keepingmyjoy1

I got a couple of texts from AH (we are separated) looking for sympathy...

"This might cheer you up. I just finished shoveling the driveway and I started crying, when I realized I might never have to do it again"

There is more, but that gives the gist...he is worried he will lose the house in our bankruptcy etc. (Probably will since I used to pay for it out of my paycheck while he spent his money on beer and scratch off lottery tickets (still does). Now that I don't live there, he can't pay for it all.

I waited about 2 hours and then I just could not stop myself from texting back: "I cried 7 months ago. Enjoy." For those of you who don't know, I asked him to leave so that our son could stay in the only home he ever knew. AH dragged it out until August (4 months) and did not leave-and still was drinking. So I left with our son in September after finding a place.

Why do they get on the pity pot and then expect us to feel sorry for them after all they put us through?

Katiekate

He's trying to guilt and shame you .

That is what alcoholics do to thier enablers.

He is also probably trying to get you to engage, that way he gets to act out.

My ex did that kind of stuff to me all the time. He would try to get my emotions to the point of me going out of control, then he could tell me I was crazy, it made him feel better about himself, maybe that justified his drinking.

I'd ignore it if I were you.

I don't miss that crap at all.

As hard as it is, try not to let it get to you. It stinks.

MsPINKAcres

Nothing changes if nothing changes ~

probably this is how things have worked in the past - the A's in my life used these similiar types of actions to get the responses they needed to fill their emotional needs ~ when I stopped responding ~ they looked other places.

For me, I had to realize I could just step off the Merry-Go-Round and not participate any longer

It was the healthiest thing for me and it allow the A's in my life the option to seek healthier choices for themselves too - It didn't always mean they made the right choices, but with me out of the way - they at least had the ability to choose ~

just my e, s, & h

pink hugs

posiesperson

For me this was the pity vs. love confusion. I pitied them, responded to them, and called it love.

It's not.

Good for you for being open to seeing the dynamic so clearly! In my experience the least "messy" thing for myself was to delete the texts without reading them, or at least to not respond (which I agreed with myself to not do, just 24 hours at a time). It made it easier for me to avoid spending any more mental-energy time on the A and put the focus on myself. I also learned that they kept coming back through contacting me again, and ironically enough they usually contacted me when I was feeling the most vulnerable...so learning to ignore the contact was an excellent skill to develop.

Cheering for you,
posie

dandylion

Dear Keeping MyJoy1, the nature of the disease seems to render the addicted unprepared to shoulder the responsibilities that are required for "normal" healthy relationships. Selfishness and immaturity seems to be norm.

Expecting more from a practicing alcoholic is just setting yourself up for certain disappointments.

Good for not getting sucked in.!

sincerely, dandylion

choublak

Ew.

Hermeticdog

I am realizing that mine does the same to me...it has been a painful realization, that I have allowed it to go on, unnoticed for so long. This forum is definitely helping to open my eyes to what has been going on this whole time.

Kimmieh

In my case because it always worked.

skella99

I actually liked your response b/c it is so true. Why isnt he crying because of what he has put you and your son through? For the pain he has caused you? Instead, he is crying for what HE has lost, not what he has done. smh...

I have to continually remind myself of this when my AD tries to throw those kinds of lines my way.

Big hugs to you for being so strong!

Audrey1

Ditto!

That text is oozing with manipulation. I used to fall for it all the time too, until I had a good hard look at our conversations and realised what he was doing, and occasionally still tries to do even though he has now stopped drinking. If you were still with him, I would have suggested you call him on his manipulation so he knows you know, but seeing as you're separated I would suggest you use that text as a reminder and an opportunity to celebrate the fact that you don't have to deal with that anymore. Yay!

keepingmyjoy1

I totally used to fall for it! And he is not drinking and is still trying it. Sheesh.

And Skella, that is what gets me even more mad! He wants me to sympathize with his pain????

Ugh. Sick of how it is ALL about him. Ick.

outonalimb

This is exactly the type of manipulation and guilting that kept me locked in an unhealthy relationship with my exah for so long. I used to walk around so incredibly ANGRY all the time. Go figure! So very happy that you can see his tactics for what they are. Now THAT'S progress.

Rule Number 1 in dealing with an alcoholic: It's ALWAYS about them.
Rule Number 2...even when they say its about you, its reallly about THEM.

Thank goodness you're only dealing with him by text now. Halleluijah!!