Miller05

my husband is graduating from his 4 month intensive outpatient rehab program in a few weeks. his drugs of choice are alcohol and coke. it is STILL unbelieveable at times that my husband really is an addict. but it is true. he has been clean during this time....and doing a lot of work to change his life and save his marriage. the after care program begins immediately after the program is over. i am in therapy as well...and have been since this whole secret life became exposed, and the nightmare began. he calls coke the death drug....says that he was on his way to being another whitney houston. shocking to hear him talk like that.

i am happy that he has taken the steps he needed to take to save his life.

the problem is me. i am stuck. i am stuck because i guess i am having such a hard time with moving past all of the horrible things he did while active. the lying, the cheating with other women, the deep betrayals...just the whole double life he led behind my back...for so long. he seems very remorseful for his actions, and i think the rehab place has really helped him with compassion, and understanding my trust issues....and feelings overall about what has happend. i really cant think of anything else he can do. he pretty much has changed his life....for the better. we talk a lot about this in marriage counseling once a week.

but, the truth is that it just plain hurts....deeply. i keep replaying the ugliness of it all and everything he did. over and over.

i just want to move on past it, and focus on the present...but i am not sure how. i guess we are both early in our recoveries...his addiction, our marriage, and my codependency.

sometimes i wish this was all was a horrible nightmare...and i would wake up...and none of this would have happend. wishful thinking...

Hammer

Suppose you will figure this out on your own, but . . .

Nothing says you have to take him back . . . .

laurie6781

Ask your therapist how to get past LIVING IN THE PAST.

Sometimes a PRO/CON list can help.

Take an 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper, well maybe more than 1 sheet, lol Draw a line down the middle the long way.

Write at the top 'REASONS FOR REHASHING THE PAST.'

Then put PRO on side and CON on the other.

This will probably take you several days. Then when you finally think you are done take your list with you to your next one on one therapy session and discuss in depth with your therapist.

This should help you get past the past and start living in today. He is obviously making amends to you by his ACTIONS as you state his behavior has and is changing.

Working with your therapist on this issue and I am sure others you may have, will ultimately make you aware and able to decide if 1) you can get past the past, 2) if you can to stay with him and 3) if you can't is it time to go.

None of us got to this point in our own recovery without going through hell. It is then up to us to decide if we can learn from the hell our A's put us through, and how we get on to the 'better things in life' to make our own individual world a peaceful and serene place to be.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much!

You know you can vent, rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh here. We do understand and we are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

Miller05

thank you for the posts...i am going to try that list laurie...and take it to my therapist. i met with her this week...and she told me that all of his behaviors were the result of character flaws and his decision to do drugs and alcohol. he chose that lifestyle and did what he wanted to do...he knew the dangers and the consequences but did it all anyway. she said i need to accept that as the truth...and so does he. i know that he has done that, and is getting help. but it is me. KNOWING that he did all of these horrific things is sometimes too much to take.

i dont want to end my marriage. i have taken him back...he lives at home with me and our baby. we have a different life now. i just want to wake up sometimes and not think of every single lie he told me....or who he cheated with...or think about how that time we were vacationing in maui, or mexico...or whatever...that he was "trying to score" at these places behind my back...or that he was in fact snorting coke every time he got up to go to the bathroom...but would say..."this beer is running through me...i gotta go pee!" he seems like a monster, you know? and damn...maybe that is just exactly what he was....a monster.

one thing my therapist did tell me was this: "dont expect to have the husband you deserve when he is doing coke all the time. you should just expect poor decisions to be made one way or the other whether it is lying, cheating, dealing, betraying you or everyone...blaming, talking a bunch of BS about anything, and just not showing up. it might be one, two, or all of these things...but he's up to no good...believe that."

my husband did all of these things.

allforcnm

Hi Miller,

I don’t know if this will be at all helpful. But when I was working through the issues of acceptance and forgiveness in relation to what happened with my husband, this exercise helped me. In my case, holding onto the past, and keeping all those memories close – for a long time they were a protection method, which allowed me to hold back from my husband out of fear for the future. Look at all he had done… wasn’t hard the memories were right there… negative memories tended to be more vivid and stronger emotionally than any of the positive actions he was taking. He could fail right, and then he would be back to the person that did all these things, and hurt me. In the end, for me part of letting it go was just being willing to take a leap of faith. But not just in him, also in me. That I would be strong enough to handle whatever came my way in the future. But if I didn’t let go of that past, then I was never going to be fully free and receptive to all the good working its way back into our lives.


Using the CBA (Cost-Benefit Analysis Tool)

1.What benefit do I receive from holding onto these negative thoughts and memories, what does it do for me (be specific)?

2. What do I hate about these negative thoughts and memories, what does it do to me (give specific examples)?

3. What do I think I will like about letting go of these negative thoughts and memories?

4. What do I think I won't like about giving up these negative thoughts and memories?

Lara

Hi Miller
I think the other posts here are good - especially Allforcnm's advise. So I don't have much more to contribute. But I can imagine how hard this is for you right now. It is as though, in the past, while your husband was actively using, you could walk away. You did not have to take 'ownership' of the situation - as an actively using addict pushes us all away. And so quite in 'your rights' to walk if you felt like it. Almost as though you had no real obligation to do anything, to support him, to care, Nothing. As all active addiction does is hurt us, betray us, destroy our lives.
But now, your husband is on the long path of recovery and it seems you are on it too. I think sometimes (just sometimes - and certainly does not apply to all addicts) - but it is in their nature to forgive themselves/ there own actions quicker - with therapy - and to excuse it all to 'cocaine' or whatever the DOC is / was. So now they have the 'get our to jail free card'. Squeaky clean. And often expect us to just 'move on too'.
It is very tough. And even though so many behaviours are blamed on addictive addiction (cheating etc) - there is always that niggling in your heart 'was it really all about the drugs; or maybe, just maybe this IS who he IS. A manipualive womaniser.
I am not judging your husband for one minute, Miller. I pray that he truly has healed and is in strong recovery and you never have to face these moments again.
But also to say to you - that you are allowed to doubt. It is early days. You don't have to be at the same level of your husband's recovery. You are allowed to be a few steps behind. Hell you are allowed to just be at step one. You husband gave himself all the time in the world to practise his active addiction. You are entitled to all the time in the world to heal, therapy and figure out how you feel about this all.
For if you chose to remain with your husband (as you have) it is critical you begin to forgive and to start to focus on the NOW and not dwell on the past. You need to give him 150% a chance - to take that LEAP. Just GO for it. For if you constantly remember all the nasty bits - you will never heal. You will never experience the joy of living in the NOW - and all the good times will go past too - without you partaking in them.
Just try it - try it for a day - try it for a week - trust God that he has healed your husband - and more imporatantly TRUST God that you are a strong, beautiful woman - forged from steel. That you have strength in your soul and heart - that IF your husband relapses again - you are prepared for it - and you can handle it! That it does not reflect on you.
But don't live each day waiting for the relapse. Get out there and truly LIVE - God gave you only only life. Don't let your husband's addiction steal your life.

BUT if you believe somethings are not possible to truly forgive - the heart too deep - the trust too broken - then you too are allowed to say 'enough'. You dont' have to stay. Just keep cool. Don't rush any decision. Just pray. you will know what feels right.

God bless you

Miller05

i am going to take all of your advice. i really am. i know in my heart that you are right. my mother says the same thing. at some point, i have to "let go."

i am so glad that you understand my position though, you know?

IT IS that feeling of wondering if it was "all the coke"...or if deep down, that is just who he is. for so LONG....it seemed like all of his bad behavior was "because of the coke." but in my heart, i know that it is more than that. i know it, but was in denial. YES, a lot of it was about the drugs, and alcohol....i mean, he was doing this all the time...so of course he was doing horrible things. but he did know what he was doing. he was high functional...paid the mortgage...work everyday...all of that. he KNEW exactly what was going on...and he was very clever....a great liar....and manipulator. he did what he was doing because he wanted to. i am coming to accept that as fact. in all of our marriage counseling sessions he blamed it all on the drugs.

until just last night. we had a serious discussion...becasue of a trigger i had. and he told me that he was committed to me and our marriage, and living a sober life. so we discussed that. and then he told me that a lot of his horrific choices were because of the drugs...but he also said that he does not blame it all on that. he said it was him...he chose to make these horrible decisions, and he wants to own that, and take responsibility for it. and he says he is doing that by making all these changes in his life.

i needed to hear that. it hurt me deeply, but i needed to hear it. these are character flaws in him. and he said that is why he is going to therapy on his own as well.

so, yes, it all goes together...but we are really dealing with 2 separate issues...the fact that he is an addict and all the drama that goes with that...and the fact that he is a cheat too...and all the drama that goes with that. it just so happens that he often times did both of these things.... drugs and cheat at the same time....it seems to try to accomplish the same issue...avoid dealing with his own personal demons...running away from it.

you guys....i want my husband. i want my marriage...and my family.

he is doing what he needs to do....and i am thankful for that.

i am going to take your advice...but it just STILL HURTS.

thanks for listening and letting me ramble.

did i mention that he has been using coke off and on for YEARS....i just found out about it back in july. we had so many issues that i never understood....and now i know why, you know? like my therapist said...how can he possibly be the husband i need when he is doing coke everyday? so sad...but so very true.

allforcnm

My husband contributes a lot of his behavior (including an affair while we were seperated) to the drugs also. But to be honest, in a way I do too. He was using various pain pills in the beginning, then he used Xanax on a regular basis, and had his affair while also mixing in cocaine (he tells me this, and I do believe it based on what I have read about the drug too). There is truth to the fact the drugs alter the brain chemistry, and they change a person’s emotional health.

My husband was also highly functional. He never lost his job, or really had any negative consequences to his using, except the deterioration of our relationship. Even though we were separated, he still paid his share of our home bills and paid for himself a nice townhouse rental. He was competent in a lot of ways. So it is VERY confusing thing to rationalize. But my husband also admits he made the choice to use, and holds himself responsible for the many times he wanted to stop, and says he just did not have the inner strength.

In a way it reminds me of the feelings associated with the desire to grant forgiveness. I remember it clearly. You want it so bad it hurts, but you cant figure out how to do it. Your not sure it is even possible after all that has happened. I think it comes easier when over time you are able to have those types of conversations together, like the one you had recently with your husband. They bring you closer, and allow you to see something deeper, maybe exactly what you are looking for.

Miller05

yes...exactly. a big part of me wants to forgive....really forgive him, and let it all go...take that chance that you guys talked about...but i am scared. it almost seems comfortable holding on to the pain..in some sick way, you know? kind of like...at least i know what i am dealing with. forgiving him, means allowing myself to open up and be hurt again. the talks that we have do help. i need to see and hear his remorse. but it has only been 4 months since i took him back. like he says....we are in early recovery as well.

sometimes you guys...when we are at home as a family....i have the feeling of "letting go"...you know...like when we are all at the table...talking...and my baby is making a mess...but it is family time...and everyone is happy. or when i see him on the floor playing airplane with our son....and then i jump in and we all wrestle together...or when we take the baby to the farmers marker or petting zoo....or even when we are just talking shop...about the bills...saving money...planning the future...stuff like that....i want to "give in" and just let go. but in the back of my mind....i think about how he was cheating with a woman 15 years older than us....going over there drunk and high all the time...and how he hid it all behind my back. or i will be giving the baby a bath...and the baby is laughing, playing splish splash...and my husband will come sit in there and play too....all loud...and fun, you know? and in my mind...i will think about him going out to the garage behind my back snorting coke....with me not knowing a thing. the bad thoughts creep in my mind...it is almost like i cant have a consistent good time with him...i am always brought back to "what happend."

and then i will think about how the coke did have an effect....but it wasnt in his system all the time, you know? what about when he was at work, or the times he wasnt high...he was still up to no good. that is why i have to accept that it is also a character flaw. i need to come to terms with that....i think in order to move forward.

i am going continue my own individual therapy...i need to. to help me work through this anger and disappointment. and just to heal myself...part of my own recovery.

just tired of being in that "stuck" mode, you know?


it is so nice to have the support of you guys. to hear me and listen. so many times i have had people tell me to run..."he's an addict!" or "he cheated...that is a dealbreaker..leave him!" funny thing is that i used to be like that....until it happend to me. it gets a lot more complicated with children in the mix too.

one thing i do know is that i am not ready to end my marriage...especially when he is fighting for it, you know?

LoveMeNow

HI Miller - I am glad to read your husband is doing so well in his recovery.

IMO, I don't think you are nearly as "stuck" as you think. I think forgiveness from such betrayal is a process and you are doing it in a healthy way (with help from a therapist, etc) and on your time.

I completely understand holding onto to the pain. For me, it was hanging on to the anger and hurt. Allowing myself to let it go, made me feel vulnerable and seemed like I was "accepting" his betrayal. Letting it go was uncomfortable at first but I couldn't hold on to it any longer. But that too was a process and sometimes it still rears its ugly little head at times, so I use SR to vent it all out. This is my safe place to let out even a fleeting thought or feeling.

Many people told me to run too. I understand why. For most, people have lived this pain for years with the same outcome. Nothing had ever really changed in their situation or it came back with a relapse. They don't want anyone else to feel that pain, hopelessness and the waste of precious time and energy that they did.

But being me, I was going to do what I wanted to do. Nobody was going to change that. My story isn't over yet, but there are still times, I wish I had listened. I hope and pray your story is one of the rare successful stories. They do happen, just not for many. Addiction is just that powerful.

I admire your strength in holding him accountable and working on yourself. Living for today is a struggle for me, but it really is the best advice people have given me.

I sincerely wish you and your husband success, forgiveness and a new journey to healthier marriage and family. God works all things out for our good.

Miller05

thanks again for the posts. i am really hearing what you are all saying to me. i am not sure where all of this is going to end up....funny how i can remember a time in my marriage where i knew we would grow old together...we just had that "special" connection....bestfriends. you know? i guess it is something that even people divorced had at one time. but i really thought we would make it.

and now, when i look back...i think about how if what we really had a "for real." i mean, the fact is that he has been using coke for several years...i have been with him for over 10....so...i guess that means that the entire time i knew him, he was doing this. does that mean that he was unfaithful the entire time we were together too? shocking, you know? and very hard to think about. but i must. it is all part of it. if this is true, then that would mean that only these last 4-5 months have been "for real." and that hurts me terribly. i think about all the good time we shared...and everything we ever did is now in question, you know?

like, we took this great cruise a while back...and it was so much fun...we were with the baby. on one of the port we stopped at in the carribean....i learned in rehab with him that he "scored" down there. that was a great day at the beach, drinking margritas...and having a ball. i had no idea.

i question myself a lot. wondering...."am i a damn fool?" how could i have missed so much....was i just in lala land.

well, not anymore. one thing i will not do is be a fool...when i know what is going on now. i have my boundaries firmly in place.

I will not live with an active addict, not in recovery.
i will not be married to a man who cheats on me. i will divorce his ass if anything inappropriate happens again....high on coke or not.
i will not tolerate bad behavior because my addict is addicted....cant use that anymore.
i will not tolerate a marriage that is not open and 100% transparent.

my therapist has helped me get to this point...to be strong.

one thing that i do need to continue to focus on is on me. i dont want to live my life worrying about what he is doing every second of the day....is he using, is he cheating, is he hanging out with bad people.....no way. i dont want to do it. i have to stay focused on me.

GuideMe

I can absolutely say with out a doubt that, THE PROBLEM IS NOT YOU! Please, don't ever think that.