Apis10

Hello,
Found this site helpful so decided to join. Learned I'm definitely not the only one with this problem. Just trying to see if there are answers to many of my "why" questions before I make the ultimate decision. Thought life was perfect; 30 years of marriage, 3 kids through college and moved out, early retirement, financially secure..... I didn't see it coming. Thought the menopause was causing the forgetfulness until I discovered all the coffee she was drinking was actually wine. The pieces started falling in place and when confronted with the discovery, the deception, denials, lies, broken promises to seek help, the arguing, and drunken stupors just kept getting worse. Going on about 2 years now (but probably longer) and I'm about ready to kick this evil twin of the woman I loved out of my life. She knows and admits she has a problem. Having never had an addiction problem, just can't understand why such an intelligent woman can't stop destroying herself and our relationship when we've finally reached an unencumbered part of our lives. Not logical and just tired of fighting. Thanks for listening, feel better already.

deeker

Well Apis, your wife has an illness, it would be really helpful I believe if you read a little of the Big Book from AA. She has lost the power of choice .Here is a link

Linked with Permission of AA World Services, inc

Now there are other recovery routes of course but I found this to be very helpful. Also I would highly suggest you attend an Ala-anon meeting for families of alcoholics.

Read The Dr Opinion

Big Book On Line

DryRoastJim

Hi and Welcome! I know this is going to sound harsh, but you are right. There are only 2 choices, she goes to get help or she goes. Please ask how to get help from here and find out all the resources you can. You are a kind man, you have given her the chance to get help, the question is will she take it.

Perfect! This is the first step in accepting that she has a problem. Without acceptance there is no resolve.

Be firm, and tell her this happens today, but be prepared to fully commit yourself to helping her. There is no blame here, you two have been together for far too long to loose it all over something as stupid as booze.

Take care and be well!

Mizzuno

There is no rhyme or reason to Alcoholism. This disease doesn't care about race, social status, education, sexuality...... it cares to destroy a person. Just the fact that your wife admitted to having a problem is huge. She will have to make the decision on her own to want to get help. It may be the threat of losing her marriage that will catapult her into recovery. It may have to be something else. I hope that you will look into getting some help for yourself. I know how difficult it can be to deal with alcoholism.

LexieCat

With all due respect, it isn't his JOB to "fully commit himself to helping her." Admitting a problem is a prerequisite, but it's a long way from being prepared to give up drinking for good. Loved ones can support an alcoholic's efforts to recover, but the hard work, the heavy lifting, so to speak, is the alcoholic's responsibility. "Helping" too much is one of the best ways to undermine someone else's recovery.

Apis, I hope you will come over and join us on the Friends and Family forum here at SR. There isn't anything you can do to MAKE your wife quit drinking, but there is much you can do for yourself. I suggest that you check out Al-Anon, as well.

Anna

I agree that your wife will have to decide she wants and needs help. There is little you can do in that respect.

But, you can check out AlAnon as a support for yourself and make use of our Friends and Families forum.

By the way, I was like your wife. I never drank at all until my mid-forties when everything came together in a perfect storm in my life. I spent three years drinking and almost lost my husband and family. The good news is that I've been in recovery for more than 12 years.

Apis10

Thank you all. I've started reading the Big Book and will check some more of the topics posted on this forum. All the little bits of information help me and is greatly appreciated. Again, thanks.

Marcher13

Apis I hope you and your wife are able to negotiate this path. I've been married a bit over 30 years too and, having read your story, I know that your wife's story could be mine. Neither logic or intelligence comes into addiction, I have a reasonable share of both but was completely unable to apply them to my problem. I'm 57 now and it was only when my health -- which I've always taked for granted -- looked like crumbling that I actually copped on to my issues.

I've just started the Big Book too. Try reading around the threads here, our March Class thread in this section may also help you. I wish you both well.

alaskasunshine

Sounds like she started drinking when things in life changed, the kids grew up. Maybe it hurt too much and she turned to alcohol. I don't know, it's just a guess. But I do know that, at least in the beginning, we all turned to our respective substances for a reason, usually to avoid pain, and at first it worked and soon we became hooked on the amazing ability to be numb from what hurts. It was with the help of a good counselor that I discovered my reasons, what hurt, what I was running from. I am still an alcoholic, and still have the cravings, and still want to numb pain by drinking. But today I don't. I face the pain head on and deal with it because I cant run from it any more.

flujays

Welcome Apis10. Please don't give up on her. She needs your love and support.

DryRoastJim

This is exactly what I meant, I'm sure my wording was not as clear as it could have been