crushed68

This is my first post, but I am desperately trying to stop the pain. I am in the process of divorcing my AH. I kicked him out in January, he took off for another State and is now back in my State. He had no where to go and moved in with a girl who has a history of drugs and alcohol but is currently in the court system and being monitored for a an aggravated DUI with minor children in the car and drugs so she is not currently using (I don't think) but he is still drinking. I left him after being together for 12 years and 10 of those married. We have 2 beautiful children that I am fighting for unless he completely stops drinking and then he can have some visitation.

What baffles me is that when I kicked him out I questioned myself everyday wondering if I had tried hard enough to help. I know by going to Al-Anon and private counceling that I cannot help. Now my soon-to-be ex is telling me how happy he is and that I am just a miserable person and basically making it sound that it was all my fault and that now that he is with a new woman all is well. Even though when I kicked him out he begged me not do it and then 2 months later and 5 days before moving in with this new person he is texting me asking if I miss him at all...very strange. I was wondering how long the pain is going to last, he's really making me feel like it is all my fault and that alcohol had nothing to do with it. BTW, he isn't you typical "heavy drinker" every day he drinks a fifth of vodka and bad days are 2 fifths, he has a pending super extreme dui, just got out of rehab in Oct. 2012 and started drinking again in Dec. 2012, he is only 39 and the doctors have told him that he has the onset of liver failure.

It hurts so bad to think that I put so much effort into trying to help him for so long and when I finally had enough and started the divorce, HE'S the one that seems so happy, that's a hard pill to swallow.

P.S. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy that I am getting a divorce, I couldn't live like that anymore, it's the pain of him making me feel like it was all my fault and I don't even know why I feel like this, I know better. Maybe alcoholics are just good at making people feel this way...I don't know.

LexieCat

Yes, they are VERY good at making people feel that way.

I'm glad you are going to Al-Anon. I suggest you check out our Friend and Family forum here at SR--you will find some other people going through the exact same feelings.

One of the best suggestions we have is to simply go "no contact" with him. Do not communicate with him in any way unless it is essential communication regarding the children.

deeker

You just have to remember that his thinking is not co herent. I am sure you did your best but if he's not ready then he's not ready and if I were you I would do what I needed to do for myself and my children. Don't put that guilt trip on yourself. you are not the bad guy here, remember that. He is a very sick man. This is coming from a once very sick woman.

Trust me if he is drinking as much as you say he is, he really is not very happy, that is just an act. I am quite sure of that.

crushed68

Thank you so much. I read a quote somewhere that said that alcoholics never have wives and children, they have victims and take hostages. I think this is true. I know I need to have no contact but last Friday night my 14 year old step son showed up in front of our house screaming at the game room window for my little ones to come down. It completely caught me off guard because I have an order of protection against my husband and I know they live 30 miles from me so I panicked, not knowing where my husband was. I told my step son (who btw has been totally turned against me by his father) that he or his dad needed to let me know in advance if he wants to see the boys. Of course, the little ones were so excited and then could not figure out why I would not let them go outside. At this point, my kids did not even know they were back in town as I have said very little to them because of their age and I just wanted to get it worked out through the courts. Now I was in a position to tell them everything and it opened up a whole can of worms. Then just last night the kids were asking me if they could see my step son today and they wanted to call their dad. Well, they talk on speaker on the phone and they asked him if my step son could come over and their dad said yes if it was okay with me, I told the kids to tell their dad I would coordinate it with him. Then they told their dad that they want to see him but mom says only if he stops drinking and he flat out lied to them and told him he had stopped drinking. I have physical proof that he is still drinking so now I'm once again in a position with the kids to explain that that is not the case. On top of all of this, me and the boys have family meetings about once a week so I can see how they are feeling and if they have any questions and at the last family meeting they told me they only miss dad when I am around because he hurts them. Honestly, I knew what they meant as my AH would always get too rough with them when playing around when he was drinking and I would always say, stop, you're going to hurt them. Another time, on a Saturday afternoon I was at the store and when I got home they told me that dad sat on my oldests sons chest, my little one said he almost "killed" him. Again, I knew it was rough play and had I been here I would have been livid. So having said all that, in addition to them tell him they could see him when he stops drinking they went on to say that "now you wont hurt us" needless-to say my AH took it as I said that to them and he responded with, "wow, your mom is really messing up your head." I was so upset and I wanted to immediately shoot off an email and explain the context, but I calmed down, slept on it and decided to just let it go and it will just be another thing to discuss in mediation or through the courts. I think if I try to defend myself at this point he is just going to go off on me. He knows as well I that he is still drinking so he can lie all he wants about that, it's the part about him hurting them that really gets to me. Any advise or suggestions?