iztal7776

I met my ex living next door. He is younger than me and being with me made me feel full of life and I didn't have to worry about anything other than being me. After a night of recklessness, I got pregnant. I didn't know then that the alcohol-fueled nights were a deeper thing in him. I drink sometimes when I hang out with my friends. I am a professional and single mother so time is very limited. Somehow, I thought he was just like me. I found out later, that he was an alcoholic. Drinking every day after work "just a couple to relax" which were not a couple..more like a couple six packs..oh and weed too. I could not for the sake of my coming daughter have him involved in our life. I still blame myself for this decision because he went into a downward spiral..alcohol and weed where exchanged for cocaine and eventually meth. He got arrested, he got stabbed and then his brother got shot. They had been out celebrating his wedding and his pregnancy. High on coke and who knows what. They started a fight, gestures where made and then the other people shot at them. His brother died in his arms on the side of the road. He went black (that's what I call it) he became mean and angry and hostile, wanting to destroy himself and everyone around it. I know all this because I still had contact with his mom and they are my neighbors. I saw it, he would see me and as the saying goes "if looks could kill.." but I still had my daughter to think about so I did not reach out to him...then one day in April, he shows up at my door. Apologizing for not being there for her birth or anything else. He wanted a chance to get to know her. I said ok. I thought to myself, he is working on making his life better and I also, selfishly, thought, I had vindicated. The pain of going through the pregnancy by myself, the insult of him telling me it wasn't his and I wanted to trap him, and the rejection would all be better because in the end, he came around. Almost like I had forgotten that I had made a decision based on nothing but a good future for my daughter. Things weren't ok. We started talking and eventually being in a relationship..but it was almost as if that just made the old him come out. He would say he was coming and wouldn't. He would show up with beer and drink (boundaries, anyone?), and eventually one night, high on bath salts. I had enough. I broke up with him or so I thought. I told him I was sorry for asking him to make us our priorities (yikes!) and that I would be more understanding in the future. He told me to give him time to see if he even wanted us (yikes!) so broken-hearted once again, I picked myself up and went along my way. I still had contact with Grandma so I was still some how aware of what he was up to. He went into a severe depression according to his mom, was suicidal. Went back to being mean, angry and a jerk. It eventually affected his job so much they put him on leave til he got his crap together. He went to counseling for 3 sessions and then one day, he apologizes to me again. He wants to make things right, do it right this time. He is sorry for all he put me through. So on the merry-go-round I go. I forgave him, I told him I would help him and that I loved him. He quit therapy 2 weeks later. My love for him would help him get through his problems he said. I was all he needed he said. If we lived together, we will have the life others will envy. So we did. And it was hell. I started losing myself. I was too demanding. How dare I ask for cuddle time on the couch, I knew he worked odd hours (I work an 8-5pm, M-F and he worked a 6-2 am with Fridays and Saturdays off). I was lazy otherwise the mopping wouldn't look like crap (I have kids to take care of and dinner to make all in a span of 3 hours!). I nagged him because I was wondering why he would delete his phone history any time the kids wanted to use it(??????)..and so the list when on of what was wrong with me. I could not ask unless it was ready for a fight. and afterwards, it was all his fault for being "a worthless piece of crap"and I deserved better. He would try. I will give him that. He would try to change the way he would talk to me. The time he spent with me but the resentment was building. I had made him into my little bitch he said. He wasn't happy. I didn't love him. I didn't trust him. I would never be happy. So one day, I woke up to his phone ringing. I answered and they hung up. Again, and again. So I broke. My intuition was telling me there was a puzzle piece that was missing. What was really going on here? I woke him up and point blank asked him if he was using again. No he said. His mom used the phone yesterday and she must've called her dealer. Whoops. I wasn't supposed to know that! Everything changed in that moment. I was knee deep in bullsh*t. I was now dealing with a drug addicted FAMILY. I didn't know what to do so I did what I know best. I screamed, yelled, cried, and every other possible emotion. I told him to tell me the whole truth. He STILL LIED. I went to work, destroyed on the inside. My trust was shattered. My belief in me was shattered. I was shattered. Little did I know. He called me at work and confessed. He had been on Meth since his brothers death. He said he would go off of it from time to time but that he had been using consistantly. He wanted me to help him. He wanted to stop. He even went as far as telling me where his pipe was and having me get rid of it. I did. I am still floored as I say this. I cannot believe it was in my house. I can't believe I touched it. but I did and I broke it and threw it in the dumpster. Gone. He told me it was going to be different. Then 3 days later, we fight again. He was supposed to be home from work and came home 2 hours later. I wanted to know where he was. I know now, the truth isn't something I get but I still wanted to believe. Instead, he told me I didn't trust him. That I never would and I didn't love him. He couldn't do this anymore. He needed a break to see if he really wanted this. I was done. Insult to injury. I told him I was out and if he had anything he wanted to say, tell me know because once I walked out I was out. And he didn't. I packed up my kids and left to my sister's house. I told him I wanted him gone. I was done with the lies, the betrayal, the endless fighting. He changed his mind and was wrong and regretted it all, come back he says. I didn't. I told him I loved him that wouldn't change but I couldn't live like that. Honestly, it was deeper than that. I can't handle him. I am strong but not that strong. Oh the guilt though. I have been trying to rid myself of it and he isn't helping. After he moved out, he told me he would get me back, that this is what he wanted. That he would quit for me (hmm, no. I don't want that responsibility) and he was going to change. He left me the truck, which he had said he wouldn't take but then did and brought it back. He told his job he had a drug problem so he is not working, waiting on them to see where he goes from there. He left me most of the money from his paycheck...but here is where I get all bunched up. Am I trying to make a mountain out of a mole hill? Is the fact that he followed through with the truck and the money mean he is sorry? Does the fact that he told his work mean that he is serious about recovery? Or is it more games? Am I once again being played? or better yet, letting myself be played. I have started on my road to letting some of this guilt go. In writing my story, I see know that I covered myself with a blanket of denial, warm and fuzzy and not wanting to let go. I want to go with my gut but I guess it has been out of practice for awhile know. I thank you for reading this. I realize it's long but it's part of my grieving process.

k10w3

I totally understand that "reading into" the following-through behavior. I've been doing that, too. I think they bounce between wanting to do the right thing, and wanting what they want. You can't depend on him to carry through all the way with his promises.

When my AH left 3 months ago, my daughter made me watch "He's Just Not That In To You;" although it's a romantic comedy, it really lays it out about how women will try to read things into what a guy is saying, hoping it's the real thing, and for them, it's just their way of getting ego strokes, or putting up a show of being the man they wish they were.

I'm right here along side you, working through this giant heartbreak. Reality sucks sometimes.

Kindeyes

I'm glad you got that all out.....now it is no longer inside of you......that stuff can eat a person up from the inside out.

Now......to answer your questions:

No. There's definitely a mountain there.

Yes. Until the next time.......

Words followed by inaction = games. So only time will reveal more......if he does something about it, then it's not games. There's a whole lot of action that happens when someone is truly sincere about recovery.

There is a point where we move from being a victim to being a volunteer.

Love is being consistently kind. Love is showing a person they are loved with actions--words aren't really important. It's action that count. My dear husband doesn't tell me every day that he loves me (he is not an addict by the way). He SHOWS me that he loves me every day. You deserve that too.

gentle hugs
ke

iztal7776

Thank you. It does suck, especially when you still have contact with them and that annoying "hope"...but now I have hope for my future. I look around at what became of my life. I reached a point where I just afford to lose anymore. I guess I hit my rock bottom before he did.. My daughter is barely over a year old and she has been through so much too. It's not fair. And that's where I have to grab my courage from. Her. Her future. I often think, how would I feel if I saw her going through this.

julez

I'm so sorry you are going through this.. Again....

Hon, you have given this guy a lot of chances. No more words. You need action. A whole LOT of it, for a long time before he tries to come back. It won't get easier as your daughter grows, and his addiction worsens.

I'd get yourself to a meeting, and ask him if he has a plan. If the plan is for you to keep him clean, or he is going to do it without help, no dice.

Be strong for you and your daughter. You both are worth so much more.

iztal7776

When I was writing this post, I realized I could have used the word again so many times! This is why I needed to get it out. As I was writing it, just the facts, I kept thinking "again". I need to re-read this every time I start thinking about how much I love him and how great it was..because it wasn't!