peridotbleu

AH doesnt drink everyday, but depending on his work schedule, he drinks maybe once/twice a week and sometimes as little as once every two weeks, and drinks just enough to get buzzed (he would drink more, but alcohol is not allowed at our home, so he buys when I am not home and drinks it before I get home and he tries to only drink enough that he thinks I cant tell he's been drinking). I am not sure what he is drinking or how much because he tells me he isnt drinking period! My question is, how does this work - will he stay in this routine or will he continually have to increase over time - will it eventually help him quit on his own??? I feel like he cant quit or he would. It is like a secret of his that he does behind my back. A casual drinker doesnt have to sneak, right?

CentralOhioDad

Maybe he 'sneaks' because you don't allow it in your home. Maybe he, like I, enjoy a beer or cocktail several nights a week. Doesn't mean he's an alcoholic, because I am anything but (I have the Wife for that). So, maybe he's just trying to stay out of your way and respect the fact you don't like/want it in the house.

Just a thought.

BlueSkies1

The two of you are definitely at odds about alcohol within your home. You need to find a compromise. His behavior is NOT alcoholic, but, he is breaking YOUR rule. The issue here then becomes--can YOU set the rules of the house, or does he also have a say? You have prohibited alcohol in your home, and he obviously doesn't agree. What kind of compromise can be reached?
Is he acting badly when drinking? Are there bad consequences to his drinking? Ask yourself the necessary questions to figure out whether there are problems associated with his drinking outside of that he is breaking YOUR rule. It is obviously not HIS rule...nor a rule he agrees with.
What you have written does not sound like alcoholic behaviors. It does sound like a couple that can't agree on an issue.
I suggest open honest communication about that rule you have set that he doesn't agree with, see if a compromise can be reached, and examine why you have the no alcohol rule, and why he doesn't agree with it--TOGETHER. Communicate.

LifeRecovery

I am curious for the rule/boundary of no drinking in the house?

Your post to me feels like a tug of war, one I might have engaged in when i felt my loved ones drinking was getting out of control.

If he does struggle with the disease of alcoholism it will get worse. My loved one was a binge drinker so it was sometimes hard to know if it was worse or not (in part because I was trying so hard to control it).

LexieCat

I've read all your other posts. You think he has a drinking problem and have banned it from your home. He says he doesn't have a drinking problem--that you are being unreasonable and overreacting to what is normal drinking.

Does it really matter who is right? If the drinking is a deal-breaker for you, move on. He apparently is unwilling to quit, for whatever reason--either he isn't an alcoholic and feels you are controlling him, or he is an alcoholic and he feels you are controlling him. Either way, he is determined to drink, and you are determined that it is unacceptable to you.

Only you can decide what you are willing to accept. But you really don't have the right to control what he does--even if you could. He is an adult, and can make his own choices. Ditto for you.

dancingnow

Hmmm, curious to me as my H was hiding how much he drink from me before we ever got to a point where alcohol was "not allowed" in the home. Now that my H is "in recovery" we don't have alcohol in the home by choice on my part and agreed by my H.

dandylion

Dear unhappyspouse, you can drive yourself "crazy" with this cat and mouse routine. You will not be able to control his drinking. If he has the compulsion to drink--he will find a way. These compulsions (in addictions) are so strong that they trump everything else.

Are you questioning as to whether he is an alcoholic or not??

dandylion

peridotbleu

His drinking was very bad years ago, we have been playing cat-n-mouse with it ever since. I have been afraid that if I let up, then things will be back to the way they used to be. He has never been physically abusive (not per say - he has bullied, but never hit) but very verbally abusive. I have just learned that whenever I suspect that he has been drinking, I dont provoke him. I know I cant go back through what I have been through. He doesnt know when to stop once he starts. The reason it is not at our home is because he "quit" years ago - he is now a closet drinker, I guess you could say! He doesnt want us to split up so he tries to control it. I have told him that it is his choice - I havent told him he couldnt drink, I have told him that he should be able to if he wants to, but he couldnt have both me and the alcohol, he tries to make me think he has chosen me. I dont think I am being unreasonable - I cant bring myself to leave or ask him to leave - he knows that I dont like him when he is drinking. I have been honest with him. He is a good man, when he isnt drinking, but he is hot tempered quickly drinking or not, so I dont like to make him mad. Thank you all for your feed-back, I really appreciate it.

peridotbleu

COD - I dont think there is anything wrong with having a couple of drinks or beers a night. I would love to have a glass of wine every now and then, but I dont because I feel like he has a problem and I wanted to see if he could quit. If he has alcohol in the house he drinks it - he doesnt have one or two. I wished he could. He used to drink before dinner, during dinner and after dinner and sometimes when we would have dessert (ice cream, cake whatever) he would drink after that too. And if he had opened a beer and didnt drink it before going to bed, he would put it in the fridge to save it.
Then he would start making accusations to me for nothing! This is what I cant go back through.

He never seemed to have hangovers - weirdest thing. He never missed work because of it either.

Thank you for your input, I really appreciate all of you!

dandylion

Dear unhappyspouse--it must be miserable for you to live like this! (Him, too).

It looks to me like he has chosen what he is going to do. How about you? You have made a boundry for yourself that he has already broken (right?). The question is--what are you going to do?

Perhaps the time has arrived that you need to devote time to sort out yourself on this subject. If you do want to leave, and he isn't putting you in danger, you could go to alanon to build a foundation for yourself.

Whatever you decide (for yourself), it is best made when you are clear of mind about it and ready to act decisely. Take your time and get support from those who have walked this path before you

very sincerely, dandylion

LexieCat

But he DOES have you and the alcohol. Why do you keep telling him that if you don't mean it? I mean this very seriously.

You THINK that you are keeping a lid on the drinking, and are afraid that if you don't, it will go back to the way it was before. Is the way it is now really better? He is "very verbally abusive." He "bullies" you. Doesn't sound like a great marriage for you.

You can keep doing what you've been doing, and you will keep getting what you are getting. How long do you want to live that way?

peridotbleu

I am not trying to keep a lid on the drinking - I am just trying to survive! It is not a good marriage for me, but for some reason I dont know how to end it. It is like I am scared to death to make him mad, I dont see it being a mutual agreement - he is not going to take it very well. I have responsibilities at home to where I feel like I cant leave and dont have the heart or guts to ask him to!

peridotbleu

He is the one that chooses to drink behind my back so that I wont leave. He knows he is going to lose me if he keeps drinking, so he hides it - and most of the time not very well!

SparkleKitty

He isn't going to lose you if he keeps drinking. He has kept drinking and you are still there. Whether he is "hiding" it or not -- which he isn't because you know about it, is irrelevant.

You have given all of the power over your life to him. Your decision-making is based on how you think he will react to anything you do. This breaks my heart.

LexieCat

That isn't trying to keep a lid on it?

I am trying to be as emphatic as possible here--this is your LIFE we are talking about. He doesn't HAVE to be happy about your leaving. Your biggest responsibility is to YOURSELF.

I understand that things don't change on a dime, but I am trying to get you to see that you don't HAVE to live this way. Most of the obstacles to your leaving and pursuing a happy life for yourself are in your own mind. I get it--believe me. But there are solutions to every problem, and every obstacle. To start, all you have to believe is that it is POSSIBLE. You don't have to understand how, or have a full-blown plan. You just have to trust people who have walked in your shoes, who understand how difficult it is to change, but who can show you that it is possible to do it. No matter how scared you are, or how hopeless things seem.

peridotbleu

I dont know why I am so afraid. I respect all of you that have gone through this. I forget who posted but they were talking about their AH taking their keys and barding the door - I would FREAK OUT!! I keep hoping for an opportune time, and I would love nothing more than for it to be a mutual decision. I wished he would just tell me that he chooses alcohol over me, but if he wont admit it, and doesnt want me to leave - I feel stuck in the situation because I dont like confrontation and arguing! I want our marriage to end respectfully - if at all possible.

SparkleKitty

I'm sorry to be blunt, but he has already made the choice of alcohol over you. He just hasn't said it out loud.

dandylion

Dear unhappyspouse, Am I hearing fear of him (as in danger to yourself) in your voice. If so, we understand. This is why I just posted what I did in my post above, to you. You can take your time and get clarity and support. Please read what I wrote to you and PLEASE consider alanon. By the way--are you afraid he will react in great anger if you go to alanon??

We are in sympathy to your position--all of us. Sometimes it takes some mighty straight talk to help someone who is new and scared and confused as to what to do. We have all been there (LOL).

very sincerely, dandylion

Florence

Unhappyspouse, you can give yourself permission to leave. You don't need a grand incident or a huge falling out, or a mutual agreement. You can leave at any time for any reason.

I don't do Al-Anon, but I read SR daily and go to individual counseling once a week. It has made a huge difference in my life.

BlueSkies1

Maybe if you focus on the feelings above--instead of his drinking. You are just trying to survive--and it is not a good marriage for you--sounds like issues far beyond his sometimes drinking.
Scared to death to make him mad--that's no way to live in your own home. The problem feelings you are having sound far more serious than his drinking, because it sounds like you are afraid of his temper whether he has had a drink or not.
That makes me think there is a rather severe inequality in your marriage. That goes beyond his drinking now and then. Take a look at that--and the other feelings you are having--and set the drinking issue aside temporary. This marriage appears from what you wrote, to be very unequal and manipulative, and intimidating.
He may drink sometimes, but those behaviors are not necessarily connected to drinking at all, although it sounds like they are AMPLIFIED when he has been.