clkodace

This is something you read not to often! But I am guessing it is happening more than we like to admit or am I just a wear my heart on my sleeve kinda person and speak of what should be unspoken???

I am worried as I should be, for my actions taken in regards to drinking while pregnant. I have been a drinker for several years now, knowing how damaging it is to family, friendship, work, myself, however as damaging as it is I struggle to control this demon. " Which is what I want control. " As being labelled someone with a disease seems so not appealing to me. Why me I ask? I am stronger than this, I can manage this behaviour and so on.... All the natural thoughts that one has once they realise that alcohol in their life has become a issue. I have sought AA. I continue to counsel, I have faith. Maybe not a whole lot but I call on my higher power often. I have had for many years an AA book and 12 steps next to my bed in the hope one day I will pass those first chapters and steps. And as much as I know I am powerless over alcohol, I believe I still deny that this is infact the case.

My first child was such a blessing and this current 21 week old baby I carry is to. I believe they have been sent to me at the right time in my life, for whatever reason and maybe that reason is to realise that a world without alcohol can be bright. I see my 1st borns emotions so much clearer than I ever cared to before, and this is massive moments of happiness in my life. I feel better overall, my skin is bright and I feel vibrant. However... although these great things are happening, I still can't imagine my world with out alcohol.

I have been far to relaxed with this second unborn child. I became pregnant 21 weeks ago and realised around 5 weeks. At this stage I was heavily using, 4 to 5 times a week with 2-3 bottles of wine per session. It had become the norm to operate in such a way. I could get up for work at 5am and work a 10 hour shift. Clearly though, my family would suffer the aftermath with my tiredness and lack of concern with looking after them My concern was where the next drink was really. Anyway, although I had a fair idea I was preggers, I avoided the test for a couple of weeks as this ment I would indeed need to stop and for me this was bloody daunting!!! I didn't want to have to give up my life. When I did take the test, I infact was pregnant and felt a sudden emotion of resentment almost. I didn't want this, my life had to start all over again. Dirty nappys, toys all over the house and so on. I was just getting my life back. My career was coming together. (Or was it?)

Something I guess I kinda had prayed for to get me out of this hole I was in had happened yet I was pissed about it!

So I tired to do the right thing and for my first 16 weeks of my pregnancy I had a glass here and there, never intoxicated. Honestly I felt to sick to drink and thats what was stopping me. But then once I passed the 1st trimester things changed. I had a binge at 16 weeks, drinking 2 and a half bottles of wine!!! This clearly riddled me with guilt BUT! was that guilt enough? NO! As I have said I am 21 weeks and since that 2 and a half bottles I have also consumed another 3 bottles with a beers in between here and there. Different occasions, or just any excuse to drink really.

I am at a realization, as most pregnant women, would be that this is truly unacceptable (the bingeing I mean not the odd glass) and with these actions come consequences clearly. Yesterday and today, I am pretty positive I don't want to pick up as what I have consumed already would have done enough damage to this unborn baby. I am doing alot of research in order to help myself get through these next 4 months especially. This is my story. I am trying to help myself and give my child the best of who I am. Sometimes I do struggle with this, I am not perfect. I have a weakness, it scares me. I am still praying for strength and maybe this is how I am guided?

shauninspain

The positive thing is that you want to stop and know that not to do so may be harming your unborn baby. So that's a good start isn't it. It seems to me that a commitment to stop drinking has to come from somewhere deep. And a daily reminder of that commitment has to follow. Sometimes many many times each day.

Like you I didn't like the feeling that I was somehow different to other people. People who I saw drinking without a care in the world. This irked me for a long time. I also thought that I was stronger than alcohol, despite occasions too numerous to mention that suggested otherwise. The powerlessness of which you speak is very true. I might as well get in the ring with a cage fighter. I'd have more chance of winning that fight, than my fight with alcohol. It can only be done one day at a time, perhaps even 5 minutes at a time if necessary.

I would (even for the sake of your baby) make AA your life and your breath at the moment.

Seiceps

You are lucky in a way. Bc you HAVE to stop drinking, not need , want , should. You just have to stop. And there is a time limit on it too , as soon as you're not pregnant or breast feeding you can start again. Obviously not the best case scenario but you get where I'm going with this ?
You have to give up Bc this baby deserves it. Have you seen kids with alcohol fetal syndrome ? It's f $$ king awful.
I know it's hard , I know it sux , but my god , how much more is it going to hurt and for how long if your baby is damaged through your drinking. You will carry it for the rest of your life.
I'm not against having one drink when your pregnant. I did, I had shandy s , but two bottles of wine is a different ball game. You know all of this. Do the right thing for both your sakes. X

Seiceps

Look I'm sorry if I came across preachy or harsh. I just wanted to add that I am a mum of twins, and I am so far from perfect its not even funny. My kids haves missed out and I have missed out through my wine drinking.
I'm sure you are telling yourself off more than anyone else ever could.
I just feel so strongly on this subject. You only have to give nine months of your life, that's it. It's nothing to gain everything.
I have no problem with abortion but I do believe if you make the choice to go ahead you do that with every ounce of integrity.
We both live in countries where we have access to free medical care, no matter what we decide when we find out we're pregnant. So many other woman don't have that choice. We're the lucky ones, your baby will be another lucky one too.
Just want you to know I'm with you not against you. Of course you can do this x

ReadyAtLast

I think you've been very brave being so honest and open on what is a very emotional topic.

You stopped drinking for the first trimester when you found out you were pregnant-you can stop drinking again.It's only another 18 or 19 weeks.As seiceps says you can start again once your baby is born but you have to do this now for your child. You will never forgive yourself if your baby has FAS or born prematurely or even stillborn because of drinking-these are all real risks you face. Please be honest with your midwife/obs -they have seen this all before and will be able to give you support and help over the rest of your pregnancy. Wishing you the best

clkodace

The reason I wrote this, is because it does happen, I have left myself open to extreme judgement, it isn't an easy thing to admit. You are right in saying I will have regrets if I continue, believe me the regrets I have already are what have led me here. I certainly don't want to continue filling myself with more by continuing.

I thank you for your support, couraging words and yes the truth as harsh as it has to be. Honesty is the best policy, this I know and hey sometimes truth hurts.

When I do what I do, it is something very unexplainable. There is no excuse! This I know. There is no switch. There is no thought of action or consequence. This is part of the disease itself. I couldn't even tell you that the thought of carrying comes into it at the particular point in time.

There is a choice YES! I have chosen poorly, this I have to live with and its nobody's fault but my own. I must move forward as much as I can and not let guilt consume to much as this is a journey of personal growth and another life.

As I have said previously, I am powerless of this demon. I guess I am here for the extra strength I need to beat this.

TryingHarder

I think you should treat the rest of your pregnancy as an emergency. Tell your doctor/midwife. Attend AA meetings. Pull in every person and resource available to you to help you stay sober. You, your child and your unborn baby are worth it. Come here and talk before you use. Let everyone help you through. You do not have to do this alone. But you do have to want it. I'm certain you do. There is so much at stake. Take care. Stay strong.

Fallow

It is not just about you and how you feel. That 'choice' you make directly affects another persons health and chance at a full life. Guilt does not keep you sober obviously. Please seek professional help!

Tamerua

I agree with Tryingharder, talk to your doc. Let him or her know what is up and hit meetings like you never have before. Good luck!

Rennet

Yes tell your doctor. There may be things that can be done to help the situation. I'm not a doctor but I wonder if they would take the thing out of you at 8 months or something if you didn't stop. But there's no way they can help if they don't know

Pondlady

My professional field is early childhood development and education. I implore you to reach out to any help available to you to stop drinking. You spoke of feeling resentful about dirty nappys and toys all over the place when you first learned you were pregnant. Those situations are temporary, a child with fetal alcohol syndrome is forever.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

2granddaughters

I found that strength in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Bob R

Anna

I'm glad you posted here, and I sincerely hope you talk to your dr immediately.

As others have said, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is a life-long sentence for your child and for your family. I'm not judging you, I know how it feels to be in the grip of alcoholism, but your unborn child needs a voice.

dorothyparker

You are right. A lot of alcoholic won't admit drinking during their pregnancy. Today, they are the mothers behind help association of children with fetal alcohol syndrome. Some of the kids are so damaged that the mothers can't hide the fact they were drinking during pregnancy. It has sobered most mothers up nut after the fact. It is quite sobering indeed. Don't magically think that the problem will disappear once the baby is born. You have compassion. Try to think of this child as a separate entity and "turn yourself over" to doctors snd counselors who will follow hou duting hour pregnancy. Good luck. As Allen Carr says: the only way to control alcohol is to stop drinking ".

noexcuse

CLK, you really struck a chord with me today. During my second pregnancy, I too thought that I was pregnant and put off taking the pregnancy test because it would force my hand with drinking. When I did take some pregnancy tests and they came back negative, it was a green light for me...until the last one came up positive. I drank excessively during the first few months of that pregnancy and then not a drop after that positive test. I was so filled with guilt and shame because I had long before suspected I was pregnant and continued to drink anyway. Fortunately, babies are sturdy and resilient and I was blessed with a healthy, beautiful little boy that is now going on five years old.

It took a lot of courage for you to make this confession. To be able to do that and to reach out to all of us shows that you want to change and that you want the best for your baby. You can do this, absolutely, positively. My heart is swelling for you right now because I know how hard it is to be a mother struggling with addiction, whether it is during pregnancy or after. Somehow, we are supposed to be stronger than our male counterparts. Men and women alike look down on mothers that are sitting at a bar instead of home with their children, and we treat ourselves with the same disdain and questioning... Why am I doing this? Why aren't my kids enough to keep me sober? Don't I want what's best for them?

I admire you for reaching out. You can get through this. Feel free to PM me - I was in your shoes not that long ago.