arabhorseluvr

I've got my second ACoA meeting tomorrow, and I've been journaling about Step One (as it's presented on this forum, in Step Study), and I'm really struggling to admit I am (and was) powerless over others.

First, I know I could never actually control my XRABF but I'm still scared to give up... the desire? We're working towards a relationship together. We both want that. And we both want to work on rebuilding the trust that was fractured in our relationship. And maybe that's part of the issue. I don't trust--yet--that he wants it. His actions say that he does want to work on things, because HE wants to, not because of anything I've done to manipulate or control him.

But still, I get scared to give up the idea that I can control him. Not that I ever really could.... but it's still hard to give up the idea.

As a child, I thought of myself as controlling and manipulative. I guess that's what my parents told me I was, too. They were not the best of parents.

Maybe it's so tough to give up (the illusion of) control because of what I went through as a child. When you're sexually abused by your own parent, all control is taken away, all your boundaries are taken away, and often, you're told that it was your fault that it's happening.

...that stuff makes it hard to give up control, to admit powerlessness, now. If I was powerless then... well, that's a scary thought.

Can anyone help me with this? I feel so stuck on Step One....

Ann

I found I was powerless over my son and his addiction. When I tried to control him, I would be happy if he did what I suggested and frustrated and angry when he did not. You see, by trying to control him, I gave him all the power because his response would affect how I felt.

If we could control our addicted loved ones, not one of us would be here. It simply doesn't work.

I hope you find your own grasp of this, don't rush because it's really important to build a solid Step 1 before you move on the the steps that follow.

Sometimes writing it out helps, writing what happens when you think you have power that you do not.

Good luck.

Hugs

Hanna

Some things to just think about:
Did you ever get any real evidence that your efforts at controlling him were actually working?

What do you feel you have to lose by giving up an idea that you seem to now intellectually understand is a fallacy?

I will tell you this, really grasping step one gave me an amazing sense of peace and freedom. I'm not in charge of everything, and I am so very glad. Now I worry about that which I can control, and I sure mess up alot fewer things than before.

On another note, your thread title reminds me of a work of Art by Brian Andreas, one of my favorite artists. His Story People are inspiring:

The Illusion of Control

arabhorseluvr

Nope, not so much. I mean, in the end, despite my best efforts to control, he broke up with me anyway. I can control the way I behave in the relationship, though, and maybe part of the reason that Step One is so scary for me is because I forget that I still DO have some control in the relationship... just not over him. I'm not entirely powerless in the relationship, and these last six months or so, I haven't been making the healthiest choices for our relationship.

A chance at a future with my partner... when in reality, it will probably increase the chances of our having a healthy future together... but it doesn't feel that way... it just feels so damn scary.

What helped you to grasp it? I fear that--like with many things--it's something I'll get intellectually but never really grasp at any other level. Just like "being abused wasn't my fault." I get that intellectually. But that's it.

Ann, thanks for your response, too... I'll reply later but I've gotta run to my ACA meeting.

Hanna

What helped me grasp it was that things went absolutely to hell, the more I tried to control and fix my brother and his situation.

I still need reminders sometimes but have gotten so much better at identifying what I can and cannot control.

I didn't have any problem with accepting that there was a HP, just problems understanding my own role in the Universe.

I think my own problem stemmed from the fact that I was never really properly cared for as a child. My Mom did her part and is actually an amazing woman, but things were just so out of control anyway. I became very self-reliant because of this, and in many ways tried to parent my parents and later my brothers because I was missing some basic feeling of security and safety. And I understand my parents pretty well, but at three years old I was saying to my Mom, "Mommy last year I just didn't know what to do with you, and this year I know. I just need to love you". Kids are amazing, right? But to think about what must happen in a child's life that they feel like that at such a young age! It's no wonder I thought I had all the answers. If I didn't, who else did?

My letting go came out of desperation. I prayed for help. It came and usually not in the form I would have expected.

Some things that may help you get more comfortable is the simple act of asking for help for small things- even from a co-worker or neighbor. Let yourself be a little vulnerable sometimes. You will find that it strengthens your friendships and creates new one.

You don't have to have all the answers. And accepting that over time will enormously lighten your burden. Also, letting go a little of your ideas of exactly how things should be opens up space for things to be even more good than you have imagined.

Peace and Prayers on this journey. By ust writing this out here you put yourself on a path to a better place.

Hanna