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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Maine
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I've been married to my alcoholic husband for just over two years. I knew when we were dating that he drank more than I was comfortable with (as a social worker I saw signs), I confronted him and he gave me the perfect answer about never letting it become a wedge between us.
Currently, he spends each evening outside in our 2 car garage, maintaining his buzz until he is ready to come in for dinner, watch tv, and go to bed. We have a very comfortable life, bought our house, have land, a good dog, etc. He is a "functional" drinker. never lets it affect his job, money, his family, only me, only here at home. Never drives after drinking, isn't a risk taker. When he comes in he's either too happy or moody, he's hyper-critical, and can't see outside of himself to care about or really even know me. On the weekends he drinks more. He will eventually cycle around until he makes himself sick or does something stupid/hurtful and then come apologizing to me in the morning and for a week or two keep it at a minimum.
It's been about a month since the last time and I'm waiting, any weekend now it will happen again. Last time he told me he had to prove to himself that he could control it, and for two weeks didn't drink Mon-Thurs and then went through a 30 pack of beer on the weekends... there was a point when he was going through a 6 pack each night and twice that on the weekends. He doesn't get abusive, just mean, if I didn't know it was the alcohol talking I'd be a wreck. I used to tiptoe, but I got over that when I realized it was his problem not mine! He fits the descriptions and behaviors of an alcoholic and it runs strong in his family. His dad quit after getting saved, my husband already has Jesus, he just isn't accessing it.
I've done my research, and after the first year of confrontation after confrontation, I've backed off and told him it's up to him to change and I'm basically along for the ride. In November, we had a miscarriage, and have been trying to conceive again ever since. We want kids, but as I look our marital situation straight in the face... I don't want to bring them into this. I know that he has to find "rock-bottom" but he's so careful, I don't know how he will ever get there.
I'm also wearing thin on waiting, we were both raised in good Christian homes, my faith is very solid in that I know God has me in this situation for a purpose and it is not wasted, not is it my fault. I know that this is just now and not forever, and I know that his behavior is not a reflection of my self-worth. On a good day I am confident of these things, and on a bad day, I can repeat the truth through my tears. I have excellent family and friends support although my parents are unaware of the situation as are his.
I've decided he needs to know that although I will always have unconditional love and grace for him, it does not mean I have to live in the shadow of his drinking. The problem is, there isn't a time when he is sober for me to approach him unless it is as he walks in the door, and that doesn't go over well at all (he's manipulative and good at arguing, always trips me up).
I want to begin meeting with our pastor, or other outside support, I know that the two of us are not going to get out of this hole on our own. I'm afraid that the only way he will hit the bottom, is directly related to me. As in, I'll have to leave him, not forever, but for a time. I know that returning isn't easy after leaving and so I have promised myself I won't go there until we've sought help and have that support and a plan in place.
Am I thinking the right way? He will twist my words and turn it on me no matter what I say, the only times he accepts his problem is during the morning after apologies. I'm tempted to just wait for the next crash and force a plan while he's vulnerable...
Since I'm still looking(and praying) for that "opportune moment" to address things with him (and I find myself practicing conversations in my head all day long) I figured this would be a safe place to get some feedback. I don't want to go to the pastor alone until my husband is aware of where I am at, seeing my words here kind of helps me see things more clearly. Not to mention the help of knowing I'm not alone in loving someone who is broken and refusing to be fixed.
Currently, he spends each evening outside in our 2 car garage, maintaining his buzz until he is ready to come in for dinner, watch tv, and go to bed. We have a very comfortable life, bought our house, have land, a good dog, etc. He is a "functional" drinker. never lets it affect his job, money, his family, only me, only here at home. Never drives after drinking, isn't a risk taker. When he comes in he's either too happy or moody, he's hyper-critical, and can't see outside of himself to care about or really even know me. On the weekends he drinks more. He will eventually cycle around until he makes himself sick or does something stupid/hurtful and then come apologizing to me in the morning and for a week or two keep it at a minimum.
It's been about a month since the last time and I'm waiting, any weekend now it will happen again. Last time he told me he had to prove to himself that he could control it, and for two weeks didn't drink Mon-Thurs and then went through a 30 pack of beer on the weekends... there was a point when he was going through a 6 pack each night and twice that on the weekends. He doesn't get abusive, just mean, if I didn't know it was the alcohol talking I'd be a wreck. I used to tiptoe, but I got over that when I realized it was his problem not mine! He fits the descriptions and behaviors of an alcoholic and it runs strong in his family. His dad quit after getting saved, my husband already has Jesus, he just isn't accessing it.
I've done my research, and after the first year of confrontation after confrontation, I've backed off and told him it's up to him to change and I'm basically along for the ride. In November, we had a miscarriage, and have been trying to conceive again ever since. We want kids, but as I look our marital situation straight in the face... I don't want to bring them into this. I know that he has to find "rock-bottom" but he's so careful, I don't know how he will ever get there.
I'm also wearing thin on waiting, we were both raised in good Christian homes, my faith is very solid in that I know God has me in this situation for a purpose and it is not wasted, not is it my fault. I know that this is just now and not forever, and I know that his behavior is not a reflection of my self-worth. On a good day I am confident of these things, and on a bad day, I can repeat the truth through my tears. I have excellent family and friends support although my parents are unaware of the situation as are his.
I've decided he needs to know that although I will always have unconditional love and grace for him, it does not mean I have to live in the shadow of his drinking. The problem is, there isn't a time when he is sober for me to approach him unless it is as he walks in the door, and that doesn't go over well at all (he's manipulative and good at arguing, always trips me up).
I want to begin meeting with our pastor, or other outside support, I know that the two of us are not going to get out of this hole on our own. I'm afraid that the only way he will hit the bottom, is directly related to me. As in, I'll have to leave him, not forever, but for a time. I know that returning isn't easy after leaving and so I have promised myself I won't go there until we've sought help and have that support and a plan in place.
Am I thinking the right way? He will twist my words and turn it on me no matter what I say, the only times he accepts his problem is during the morning after apologies. I'm tempted to just wait for the next crash and force a plan while he's vulnerable...
Since I'm still looking(and praying) for that "opportune moment" to address things with him (and I find myself practicing conversations in my head all day long) I figured this would be a safe place to get some feedback. I don't want to go to the pastor alone until my husband is aware of where I am at, seeing my words here kind of helps me see things more clearly. Not to mention the help of knowing I'm not alone in loving someone who is broken and refusing to be fixed.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Welcome to SR.
Unfortunately unless he wants to change there's not really anything you can do for him.
There is a lot you can do for yourself to work your own recovery.
You must focus on yourself & leading a healthy life. I don't think having a child in an unstable environment is a good idea.
Go for all the support you can get, educate yourself on alcoholism & work one day at a time.
So sorry for your hurt.
Unfortunately unless he wants to change there's not really anything you can do for him.
There is a lot you can do for yourself to work your own recovery.
You must focus on yourself & leading a healthy life. I don't think having a child in an unstable environment is a good idea.
Go for all the support you can get, educate yourself on alcoholism & work one day at a time.
So sorry for your hurt.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
This is a progressive disease, so while you may see him as "functional" now, it won't stay that way. It will get worse over time. Sounds like you're already having difficulty with communication and moods. I would fear that your situation would be worsened ten fold by bringing a child into this mess right now.
There is nothing you can do for your AH. Only he will decide if he wants recovery. But you can find an AlAnon meeting near you, and start attending. You can read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. You can read the sticky's at the top of the page. You can keep reading and posting on here.
Good luck to you, I"m glad you found this site.
There is nothing you can do for your AH. Only he will decide if he wants recovery. But you can find an AlAnon meeting near you, and start attending. You can read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. You can read the sticky's at the top of the page. You can keep reading and posting on here.
Good luck to you, I"m glad you found this site.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, CJ. I, like you, saw signs before I married him, but I didn't want to believe what I was seeing was a problem way bigger than me. I wanted to believe it was something other than addictions, so I spent over a year convincing myself it was one thing when really - its alcoholism. And then I went on a campaign to change him so we could have the life I wanted and thought he wanted. It didn't work out quite the way I laid it all out in my head.
Because what the others say above is true - recovery doesn't stick long if the person isn't quitting for themselves. Doesn't mean you can't influence him, but often trying to even discuss it wrecks good relationships. And I don't believe we love unconditionally, either. If we did, I'd still be married to an alcoholic and you wouldn't be considering some kind of future intervention.
When I was in your shoes, the things I did that helped the most were going to Al-Anon, getting a sponsor, and working the steps. And I read everything I could on alcoholism and addictions. I attended open AA meetings, met and talked with other recovering alcoholics, and found this place to also share and learn.
Keep reading, keep posting, and keep coming back.
~T
Because what the others say above is true - recovery doesn't stick long if the person isn't quitting for themselves. Doesn't mean you can't influence him, but often trying to even discuss it wrecks good relationships. And I don't believe we love unconditionally, either. If we did, I'd still be married to an alcoholic and you wouldn't be considering some kind of future intervention.
When I was in your shoes, the things I did that helped the most were going to Al-Anon, getting a sponsor, and working the steps. And I read everything I could on alcoholism and addictions. I attended open AA meetings, met and talked with other recovering alcoholics, and found this place to also share and learn.
Keep reading, keep posting, and keep coming back.
~T
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Wow - so much of this sounds like my situation - except not married, no kids, and he hasn't found Jesus. Other than that - they sound like the same man. I feel for you....
I agree with everyone here - you can only stay healthy by working on you. It's the only way you will know when enough is enough.....annnd....it might help him a little in the process.
Best to you.
I agree with everyone here - you can only stay healthy by working on you. It's the only way you will know when enough is enough.....annnd....it might help him a little in the process.
Best to you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I left two husbands while they were drinking. One got sober--and 33 years later, he's still sober. The other one never got it. (Actually, the one who stayed sober did so before we were married).
I knew I could do nothing for either one of them when I left.
I second all the suggestions about Al-Anon and learning all you can about the disease. It will definitely get worse, not better, unless he gets into recovery and gives it all he's got. I think you are wise to postpone starting a family until he is solidly in recovery--I would suggest at LEAST a year of solid sobriety before you even try.
I knew I could do nothing for either one of them when I left.
I second all the suggestions about Al-Anon and learning all you can about the disease. It will definitely get worse, not better, unless he gets into recovery and gives it all he's got. I think you are wise to postpone starting a family until he is solidly in recovery--I would suggest at LEAST a year of solid sobriety before you even try.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 148
I can definitely relate to how you feel - my husband gets loud and overpowers me also. I found it was always best to talk to him the morning after. He is usually apologetic and tells me that we are going to be okay that it wont happen again and I wont have to worry ever again. Now he just sneaks behind my back and lies to me when I ask.
I have learned a lot on this forum and I am now in Alanon. I know not to even ask him, I am trying to just work on myself - but I still question it to make sure it isnt just me being crazy!
You have found a forum with a lot of great people to help clear your mind and they give great advice!
I have learned a lot on this forum and I am now in Alanon. I know not to even ask him, I am trying to just work on myself - but I still question it to make sure it isnt just me being crazy!
You have found a forum with a lot of great people to help clear your mind and they give great advice!
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