Smileslc

Hi this is my first post, I'm a 31 year old woman, I have a lovely husband and two wonderful children. My dad is alcohol dependent and has been for the last 4-6 years, he has been a big drinker since my teens but I never though anything off it, about 8 years ago my mum highlighted the problems coming of my dads drinking and over the following few years he slowly lost everything, first his driving licence which meant his job as he was a London cab driver, then after all my mums attempts to help him she could not do it anymore and they divorced and my mum has not since had any contact with him. From this point on his life just went from bad to worse he spend all his money from the divorce (90k) in 2 years. I had my first child about a year before my parents divorced and I made my child my priority, I do not live close to my dad so when my son was little I would pop to see him once a month and make sure I called him weekly. My grandparents live in walking distance and have unfortunately had to deal with a lot of my dads problems, he puts a lot of pressure on them. Over the last few years my visits have become less due to the kids at school and probably because I hate to see my dad the way he is when he is on one and it is not predictable. From the little information I get from my dad I believe now he has a mounting full of debts, his landlord wants him out so he will soon be homeless and he blames everyone. He is very angry all the time. Iv recently tried to call him daily just to give him support but I found it too hard and found myself crying and worrying constantly, I now make 2/3 calls a week, I know when I ask you alright I'm going to get 'no' and 'no one calls me' ' know one gives a fu*k'. Today my dad asked why years ago when he needed it why did we all just leave him on his own and not call or help, the thing is we did, I called,my nan grandad and my aunties all helped inviting him for dinner etc.

I don't really know why I'm typing on here I just feel this overwhelming feeling of guilt, have I not done enough? what else can I do? why won't he help himself? is he my responsibility?

I also think my dad is suffering from mental health, well I know he is but know one will help because he is always fuelled with alcohol.

Thanks for taking the time to read if anything I feel good to let this out.

LexieCat

There isn't anything you could have done that would have changed your dad's drinking. He is NOT your responsibility.

I hope you can find some Al-Anon meetings. I think you will find it a relief to be with others who understand EXACTLY what you are dealing with.

He may well have mental health problems as a result of his drinking. Alcoholic drinking causes brain damage. You may have to limit or stop your contact with him for the sake of your own well-being. Al-Anon can help get you back in balance so you can decide what is best for you.

wildhorses

I feel for you so much. I don't really have good advice because I'm just now starting to try and figure out how to heal myself, but I will say that I know they say addicts need to hit their "rock bottom" before they can want to finally get help... so you have to let him hit that bottom.
My dad is the same way as yours. Except the difference is he has been in and out of rehabs several times and it never stuck because my mom never left him and he is being enabled. He still gets to live at home and sit in the garage or truck and drink himself into a disgusting mess every single day. He hasn't had to deal with losing everything so he will never get better I don't think.
I am starting al-anon this week, I hope you go to a meeting too. Maybe we will both start to get some answers and healing

Smileslc

Thank you for your reply. My dad has also been in a number of rehab programmes one of which he stayed at for just over a month. I feel like I am in between a rock and a hard place with regards to contacting him, I know it would be easier for me to just stop and get on with my life but it's not just my dad that needs me to stay in touch with him the rest of my family, my nan and grandad and my dads sisters need me too so I cant try and help keep the pressure of my elderly grandparents. My auntie spent a lot of time trying to help him with no joy she now lives a long way from him so cant be such a support for my grandparents. She also text me and my brother saying she couldnt do it anymore and as his next of kin could we take over. My brother does not really have a relationship with my dad as he too felt the brunt of it when it all started, I had already left home so I have taken it on.

I am going to keep telling myself there is nothing I can do and try to be stronger.

Thanks again for your post reading them has helped today.

LexieCat

There may be nothing you can do FOR HIM, but there is a lot you can do FOR YOURSELF.

In what way do your grandparents need to be protected from the "pressure"? Does he live with them?

Smileslc

He lives 5min from them and he goes to see them a lot, while he is with them he lets out all his problems on them, he also calls and tells them he is starving and got no money so my nan wants to feed him. They ask him not to come visit for a while and he does as they say for a couple of weeks and then it starts all over again. About a month back my dad way visiting them and I assume he got a bit aggressive so my grandad through my dad out and I think he fell over, this just pushed them over the edge and they both had a mini break down. This is when I was asked to step in as my auntie wanted to get him sectioned and wanted my approval. (he wasn't sectioned and i believe he knows nothing of this idea or the problem with my grandparents). After this they asked him to stay away and I made it my job to call my dad daily and make sure he wasn't going round to them, but he has worked his way back round there, iv asked them to say no but they can't so they have asked him to only come up on a Saturday afternoon for a sandwich.

The problem is people tell him to stay away from them, he does for a while and then it all starts again, he gets very very lonely so he calls them. If he doesn't call them and see them he calls other people of the same kind as him and ends up in all kinds of trouble.

Thank you lexicat I will try and keep your words in mind.

LexieCat

It's possible that they might be able to obtain a restraining order to keep him away. That isn't a punishment--it is for their own protection. I would suggest calling a domestic violence shelter or counselor, and see what the options might be. I'm not that familiar with the law in the UK, so I'm not sure whether a grandparent might qualify for one. You might also try contacting any social services agencies that assist the elderly. The value of a restraining order is that if he calls them or comes over, the police can arrest him BEFORE things get out of hand. Just a thought. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be running interference like that all the time.

skella99

Im so sorry you are dealing with this, but like all the noters said, this was not caused by you. He reminds me of my AD who likes to blame me and say I never do or did anything for her or to help her.

Justfor1

smile, it sounds as if your father has a serious alcohol problem. I recently went to a short school program to be a taxi driver & learned that London cab drivers go through years of training. I assume his job loss weighs heavy on him & that he made good money when he drove. Not sure how widespread AA is over there but he needs help fast.

Smileslc

I don't think my grandparents would allow a restraining order, but it is something I will defiantly keep in mind if things escalate.

We do have AA over her but I think the help my dad requires is past that stage, he does go to a place for addiction where he attends workshop etc they were the ones that sent him to rehab.

I think I will just have to hope he can find a way to help himself until then I can't see a way forward.

Recovering2

You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. There is nothing you can do to help your Dad if he doesn't want help. And, yes, he will blame everone and everything for his issue. That keeps him in denial from the real problem..his disease. You can't save your Dad, and you can't save your other relatives. They are allowed to decide for themselves how they want to handle this, as are you.

I have an AB who is much like your Dad. He has lost everything. My elderly parents continue to step in and rescue him, he is now almost 50yrs old. I used to try to reason with them, which just caused conflict between us. I had to learn to let them make their own choices, and not allow myself to get pulled in. In the daily read book "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Bettie there's a great reading about separating ourselves from our family's illness. We can be loving children/siblings/parents and still hand their stuff back to them to deal with. So that's what I did. I love my parents, but I stay away from their home (he lives there). When I have them at my house, I will not get into a discussion about my AB. They know I want no part of it while he still doesn't seek recovery,they also know I love him.

You have your own nuclear family to think of. Take care of you so you can take care of them. AlAnon would be a huge support for you, you will find you're not alone. Read the book I mentioned, as well as "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Detach from your Dad's behavior, his life is about his choices. (((hugs)))