When sadness creeps in on you, in sobriety
Memberado
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 287
When sadness creeps in on you, in sobriety
Hello boys and girls!
I finally managed to get sober, with the help of AA, after many failed attempts at "going it alone". To those who may read this and who have decided AA is not for them - without trying to start working the steps - please, give it a shot. I honestly thought the 12 steps sounded like the biggest load of rubbish I had ever heard of, when I first read them. How wrong I was! The program that AA offers is much more than just sitting in meetings and listening. For me, I truly feel like I have found THE missing piece of the puzzle that is my emotional life. It's not always easy to follow the program - but after a while you start to learn how to use the variety of tools that are offered for dealing with a sober life.
That said, I am 4 and a half months sober and I am doing recovery jobs and being forced to get active. Mainly because I have to stay financially afloat...
I am in my early 30's. Living alone in a "foreign" country. I am trying to get my real career back on track and doing unrelated odd jobs. Unfortunately, I don't get along with most of my family because all sorts of complicated family business. I am cordial with them and try to give them a call 2 times a month.
ALL of my old friends are gone. Many I had to get rid of to get sober, some don't want to be friends anymore because of my old behavior (I think). The only friends I have are my AA friends apart from 2-3 superficial acquaintances. I HAD TO dump my boyfriend because he chose to keep drugging instead of getting sober even after I took him to NA meetings. He has been "the love of my life" and my longest relationship for the past... well, all my life. We were together for almost 4 years.
So, I'm lonely and sadness creeps in on me even though things are much more in order than they have been in years and years. I've had to change so many things that I don't recognize myself anymore. My crazy me used to be quite the character.
I am struggling with all the old things I have to give up. When AAs talk about how you are "no longer allowed to play God" I often just want to walk out of the meeting. I feel like I am having to give up everything that has defined me for the past 15 years.
Is "this too shall pass" all there is to it?
I finally managed to get sober, with the help of AA, after many failed attempts at "going it alone". To those who may read this and who have decided AA is not for them - without trying to start working the steps - please, give it a shot. I honestly thought the 12 steps sounded like the biggest load of rubbish I had ever heard of, when I first read them. How wrong I was! The program that AA offers is much more than just sitting in meetings and listening. For me, I truly feel like I have found THE missing piece of the puzzle that is my emotional life. It's not always easy to follow the program - but after a while you start to learn how to use the variety of tools that are offered for dealing with a sober life.
That said, I am 4 and a half months sober and I am doing recovery jobs and being forced to get active. Mainly because I have to stay financially afloat...
I am in my early 30's. Living alone in a "foreign" country. I am trying to get my real career back on track and doing unrelated odd jobs. Unfortunately, I don't get along with most of my family because all sorts of complicated family business. I am cordial with them and try to give them a call 2 times a month.
ALL of my old friends are gone. Many I had to get rid of to get sober, some don't want to be friends anymore because of my old behavior (I think). The only friends I have are my AA friends apart from 2-3 superficial acquaintances. I HAD TO dump my boyfriend because he chose to keep drugging instead of getting sober even after I took him to NA meetings. He has been "the love of my life" and my longest relationship for the past... well, all my life. We were together for almost 4 years.
So, I'm lonely and sadness creeps in on me even though things are much more in order than they have been in years and years. I've had to change so many things that I don't recognize myself anymore. My crazy me used to be quite the character.
I am struggling with all the old things I have to give up. When AAs talk about how you are "no longer allowed to play God" I often just want to walk out of the meeting. I feel like I am having to give up everything that has defined me for the past 15 years.
Is "this too shall pass" all there is to it?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Southern Spain
Posts: 355
I remember from my AA days being told that an 'entire psychic change' is often necessary to beat this condition. That in itself will mean that you will feel very unsteady and uncertain, because the old you has yet to transform into the new you. In a way you are metamorphosing like a caterpillar to a butterfly. Luckily you are in the chrysalis of AA.
Many people don't make it to the chrysalis stage so you're doing brilliantly already!
Many people don't make it to the chrysalis stage so you're doing brilliantly already!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: CT
Posts: 189
I feel for you. I am 4 months sober and one of my best friends just committed suicide. AA has also been a great resource for me, and I fought it at first. Though I am obviously no expert, I have found that sobriety includes many ups and downs, and yes, "this too shall pass". Take pride in every morning that you wake up with another sober day, join online groups, start a blog, exercise, take photos of your new surroundings. The opportunities are endless since you no longer have to waste your time thinking about getting your next drink, hiding bottles, covering up with cologne to hide the smell of booze (so not effective by the way), wondering if you'll be ok enough to function at work tomorrow and who/if anyone knows.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Oh wow. I've been in all of those situations, but not all at once! That's a lot to cope with. Congratulations, that is really impressive.
Are there specific things that you feel like you're giving up that you don't want to? Or is it that you're OK with giving them up, but don't know what to substitute in their place?
Are there specific things that you feel like you're giving up that you don't want to? Or is it that you're OK with giving them up, but don't know what to substitute in their place?
Aka.. Indamiricale. :)
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Dr.Bob's Neighbor
Posts: 2,728
Steps = Your way to a daily reprieve..
Meeting = Fellowship and the classrooms where we share our experience, strength, and hope.
When you stop playing God , you are getting out of your own way.. Cause I don't know about you ~ but my best thinking got me into the rooms of AA..
Thats the 3rd step.. Thats why they say it seperates the men/women from the boy/girls.. Because to give up control is the hardest thing for a alcoholic..
To me I had to also change almost everything but my name.. And I used to miss some of the old me and habits.. but stay the coarse you will look back and be amazed at yourself..
We don't notice the changes either , for they are suttle. It takes time. It took you 15 years to get to the 4 months .. Keep working at it.. Work all those steps, talk to your sponsor, and keep hitting those meetings..
I think you sound like your doing GREAT keep living the dream and stay on the beam.
Meeting = Fellowship and the classrooms where we share our experience, strength, and hope.
When you stop playing God , you are getting out of your own way.. Cause I don't know about you ~ but my best thinking got me into the rooms of AA..
Thats the 3rd step.. Thats why they say it seperates the men/women from the boy/girls.. Because to give up control is the hardest thing for a alcoholic..
To me I had to also change almost everything but my name.. And I used to miss some of the old me and habits.. but stay the coarse you will look back and be amazed at yourself..
We don't notice the changes either , for they are suttle. It takes time. It took you 15 years to get to the 4 months .. Keep working at it.. Work all those steps, talk to your sponsor, and keep hitting those meetings..
I think you sound like your doing GREAT keep living the dream and stay on the beam.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
I am not an AA person, but I sure felt like everything I had believed about myself was in question. Much of it was not true and I had to face that. Mia Farrow's memoir is called 'What Falls Away' and I was always intrigued by the title, but didn't really get it until I began to recover. What fell away from me was pretty much everything. What remained was my soul, my core, the essence of me. And, from there, I could move forward. There were some things I had to let go of which made me sad to lose, but I honestly was so glad to be recovering that it was okay.
My suggestion is to listen to yourself. Listen to that tiny voice inside which will never lead you astray. If you follow that voice, you will follow the path of recovery.
My suggestion is to listen to yourself. Listen to that tiny voice inside which will never lead you astray. If you follow that voice, you will follow the path of recovery.
Memberado
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 287
Originally Posted by shauninspain 
I remember from my AA days being told that an 'entire psychic change' is often necessary to beat this condition. That in itself will mean that you will feel very unsteady and uncertain, because the old you has yet to transform into the new you. In a way you are metamorphosing like a caterpillar to a butterfly. Luckily you are in the chrysalis of AA.
Many people don't make it to the chrysalis stage so you're doing brilliantly already!
Many people don't make it to the chrysalis stage so you're doing brilliantly already!
That makes me feel better!
I am very reluctant and begrudging to have to let go of all my old ways of thinking. I often feel like I am going to be forced to give up my dreams.
But I guess, as most of the time, life "turns out for the best", it just never turns out the way we imagined it would...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Originally Posted by DesperadoBlond
Hello boys and girls!
I am struggling with all the old things I have to give up.
I am struggling with all the old things I have to give up.
No more waking up with dry heaves.
No more drunk dialing.
No more calling in sick.
No more fear wondering what you did the night before.
No more having to worry if there will be enough alcohol wherever you go or how you will sneak it.
No more sweating profusely.
No more having to absolve your guilt with family by either doing stuff for them or buying them stuff just to free yourself from guilt.
No more waiting for that serious talk your family is going to have with you.
No more looking at the clock and saying I have 6 hrs to sleep. ok I have 5 hrs to sleep. Ok I have 4 hrs to sleep. ok I have 3 hrs to sleep. And feeling desperate cuz you didn't get the sleep you needed.
No more trying to get through a dinner out trying to sip on a drink so others didn't know how much you really drank.
No more fearing getting a DUI.
Hope this helped. It helped me.
Memberado
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 287
Originally Posted by fantail
Oh wow. I've been in all of those situations, but not all at once! That's a lot to cope with. Congratulations, that is really impressive.
Are there specific things that you feel like you're giving up that you don't want to? Or is it that you're OK with giving them up, but don't know what to substitute in their place?
Are there specific things that you feel like you're giving up that you don't want to? Or is it that you're OK with giving them up, but don't know what to substitute in their place?
I think I am most upset about feeling... like I am forced to give up my grandiose career dreams. Having to take minimum wage, unrelated (to my education) jobs because getting to the kind of job I really want is going to take some time.
I was well on my way a few years back but had a set back and decided to drink myself to death.
So now I am kind of starting over. And my sponsor, especially, discourages me from "dreaming big dreams" in this regard. That actually makes me want to cry.
LOL
Memberado
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 287
Originally Posted by HappyDestiny3
Steps = Your way to a daily reprieve..
Meeting = Fellowship and the classrooms where we share our experience, strength, and hope.
When you stop playing God , you are getting out of your own way.. Cause I don't know about you ~ but my best thinking got me into the rooms of AA..
Thats the 3rd step.. Thats why they say it seperates the men/women from the boy/girls.. Because to give up control is the hardest thing for a alcoholic..
To me I had to also change almost everything but my name.. And I used to miss some of the old me and habits.. but stay the coarse you will look back and be amazed at yourself..
We don't notice the changes either , for they are suttle. It takes time. It took you 15 years to get to the 4 months .. Keep working at it.. Work all those steps, talk to your sponsor, and keep hitting those meetings..
I think you sound like your doing GREAT keep living the dream and stay on the beam.
Meeting = Fellowship and the classrooms where we share our experience, strength, and hope.
When you stop playing God , you are getting out of your own way.. Cause I don't know about you ~ but my best thinking got me into the rooms of AA..
Thats the 3rd step.. Thats why they say it seperates the men/women from the boy/girls.. Because to give up control is the hardest thing for a alcoholic..
To me I had to also change almost everything but my name.. And I used to miss some of the old me and habits.. but stay the coarse you will look back and be amazed at yourself..
We don't notice the changes either , for they are suttle. It takes time. It took you 15 years to get to the 4 months .. Keep working at it.. Work all those steps, talk to your sponsor, and keep hitting those meetings..
I think you sound like your doing GREAT keep living the dream and stay on the beam.
Keep living the dream? That's what I am conflicted about! Am I still allowed to have big dreams or do I have to "only pray for knowledge of God's will and the power to carry that out"?
BTW right on! I just started step 4!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Originally Posted by DesperadoBlond
Hi you!
So now I am kind of starting over. And my sponsor, especially, discourages me from "dreaming big dreams" in this regard. That actually makes me want to cry.
LOL
So now I am kind of starting over. And my sponsor, especially, discourages me from "dreaming big dreams" in this regard. That actually makes me want to cry.
LOL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Go to the meetings to hear what the oldtimers say.
Keep going until everything you heard them say makes sense.
I had to begin to learn to get real.
All the best.
Bob R
Keep going until everything you heard them say makes sense.
I had to begin to learn to get real.
All the best.
Bob R
Memberado
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 287
Originally Posted by 2granddaughters
Go to the meetings to hear what the oldtimers say.
Keep going until everything you heard them say makes sense.
I had to begin to learn to get real.
All the best.
Bob R
Keep going until everything you heard them say makes sense.
I had to begin to learn to get real.
All the best.
Bob R
I Sure will! I LOVE most of the old timers in my area!
Recovering
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
Sounds like you are doing brilliantly DB. Adjusting to a big change will always be difficult to begin with. I was in a funk for 3-4 months even though my external life was stable. Be gentle with yourself and don't rush yourself.
But most of all, well done!
But most of all, well done!
Memberado
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 287
Originally Posted by Michael66
Sounds like you are doing brilliantly DB. Adjusting to a big change will always be difficult to begin with. I was in a funk for 3-4 months even though my external life was stable. Be gentle with yourself and don't rush yourself.
But most of all, well done!
But most of all, well done!
Yeah, it's a HUGE change. EVEN my sponsor (who I sometimes suspect has undergone frontal lobotomy because of his amazing serenity) who is a very, very honest guy actually did say that last week... that it sounds like I am doing really well.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Between the Moon & the Stars
Posts: 211
Sounds to me like you are doing EXCELLENT in recovery!
It took me 2 years to let AA work for me. My first crack at sobriety was in January 2011. Did all those things I was supposed to do: went to meetings, got a sponsor, and started working the steps. But it wasn't working. I was miserable and I thought I hated all those losers that hung out at AA meetings. I fled when it came time for Step 8.
I stopped attending AA meetings & fired my sponsor (yes, I fired her and AA via e-mail) in February 2012. I started drinking again in May 2012. By the end of November 2012 I was in the hospital clinging to life from active alcoholism. I neatly tucked my tail between my legs and crawled back to AA. It's amazing how AA can work IF you let it work!
I'm sorry you have so much to deal with. Part of the AA program teaches us how to live on lifes terms. It takes time to hear, learn and practice these new habits.
I also get horribly lonely many times. I'm single, daughter is grown and lives on her own and I lost my job in December as a result of my relapse. Some days I'm riddled with self-pity and loneliness. Because of AA I can recognize it for what it is. It's a feeling and that's it. I picture it as a wave and let it pass. Start thinking about your blessings. I might be jobless and penniless right now but I am very much blessed.
Keep up the wonderful work you're doing! I hate to say it, because it even makes MY eyes roll but it takes time....and work....and patience. All those things us drunks don't like!
It took me 2 years to let AA work for me. My first crack at sobriety was in January 2011. Did all those things I was supposed to do: went to meetings, got a sponsor, and started working the steps. But it wasn't working. I was miserable and I thought I hated all those losers that hung out at AA meetings. I fled when it came time for Step 8.
I stopped attending AA meetings & fired my sponsor (yes, I fired her and AA via e-mail) in February 2012. I started drinking again in May 2012. By the end of November 2012 I was in the hospital clinging to life from active alcoholism. I neatly tucked my tail between my legs and crawled back to AA. It's amazing how AA can work IF you let it work!
I'm sorry you have so much to deal with. Part of the AA program teaches us how to live on lifes terms. It takes time to hear, learn and practice these new habits.
I also get horribly lonely many times. I'm single, daughter is grown and lives on her own and I lost my job in December as a result of my relapse. Some days I'm riddled with self-pity and loneliness. Because of AA I can recognize it for what it is. It's a feeling and that's it. I picture it as a wave and let it pass. Start thinking about your blessings. I might be jobless and penniless right now but I am very much blessed.
Keep up the wonderful work you're doing! I hate to say it, because it even makes MY eyes roll but it takes time....and work....and patience. All those things us drunks don't like!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Sydney, NSW
Posts: 104
Thanks for the post DesperadoBlond,
I can relate. I am in early sobriety and in the last 2 weeks terminated a 4 year relationship with a woman who is wonderful. She also had a very dark side to her personality and she could be very abusive, verbally, mentally and physically. I had to draw a line and said if she crossed it again it was over. She crossed it with great gusto and told me to live with it or else as that is who she was. So I decided to end it on the spot.
There certainly was a co-dependancy there though that was doing me no good at all. She was a huge issue for me in reaching lasting sobriety. After making my decision my sponsor totally agreed and said you need to make a decision. Be in with all your heart or be out. Full stop but either way make a decision and move on.
I miss her and the loneliness creeps in like fog down a dark street. You don't even really know it's arrived until you take a moment to look up and around and noticed the street lights have a misty halo around them. And then you're surrounded by it.
It feels like a necessary step in my life and when the fog rolls in I just try and sit with it, notice what I am feeling and just feel it. I think part of it is grief and a part is just change. I try and keep really busy and for me writing a list in the morning or the night before works well. From closing business and ringing a client to taking Dexter the dog for a walk and washing the kids sheets. I try and set a specific time to cook dinner and ensure it is something good not just whatever is in the fridge. Last night was penne with diced roasted chicken, garlic, chilli, mushrooms and goats cheese. As someone that rises at 6:00 am I also try and turn the light off at a sensible time whether I am tired or not.
I go to a meeting a day and call my sponsor at 5:30, vacuum the house and clean the toilets in spare moments. I'm organised and end the day busy. In other words I don't let the fog fill my brain. Neither the fog related to my recent ex or that of early sobriety. I also make a point of finding time to relax and read and feel no guilt over it. I really do my best to live in today and today only. As my sponsor says the past is gone and cant be changed and the future is pure conjecture.
I also pray on my knees every morning, lunch time and evening before the lights go out. I don't pray to the guy the Pope represents but to my God. it is detaching, comforting and it works. How? No idea. I also remember that this discomfort and feeling of pain is change and growth. The sort of discomfort and pain I used to turn to the bottle for which made it all so much worse and so much more disorientating.
But amongst it all I do know one thing. That great things are going to happen to you and me because we deserve it. The fog lifts and the sun shines through. I choose to believe and live that way day at a time. I'll worry about tomorrow when it becomes today.
Stick around and keep telling us what's happening for you. It's good for you and it's really good for the rest of us. Kind of like sharing a big bag of candy around a group of friends.
I can relate. I am in early sobriety and in the last 2 weeks terminated a 4 year relationship with a woman who is wonderful. She also had a very dark side to her personality and she could be very abusive, verbally, mentally and physically. I had to draw a line and said if she crossed it again it was over. She crossed it with great gusto and told me to live with it or else as that is who she was. So I decided to end it on the spot.
There certainly was a co-dependancy there though that was doing me no good at all. She was a huge issue for me in reaching lasting sobriety. After making my decision my sponsor totally agreed and said you need to make a decision. Be in with all your heart or be out. Full stop but either way make a decision and move on.
I miss her and the loneliness creeps in like fog down a dark street. You don't even really know it's arrived until you take a moment to look up and around and noticed the street lights have a misty halo around them. And then you're surrounded by it.
It feels like a necessary step in my life and when the fog rolls in I just try and sit with it, notice what I am feeling and just feel it. I think part of it is grief and a part is just change. I try and keep really busy and for me writing a list in the morning or the night before works well. From closing business and ringing a client to taking Dexter the dog for a walk and washing the kids sheets. I try and set a specific time to cook dinner and ensure it is something good not just whatever is in the fridge. Last night was penne with diced roasted chicken, garlic, chilli, mushrooms and goats cheese. As someone that rises at 6:00 am I also try and turn the light off at a sensible time whether I am tired or not.
I go to a meeting a day and call my sponsor at 5:30, vacuum the house and clean the toilets in spare moments. I'm organised and end the day busy. In other words I don't let the fog fill my brain. Neither the fog related to my recent ex or that of early sobriety. I also make a point of finding time to relax and read and feel no guilt over it. I really do my best to live in today and today only. As my sponsor says the past is gone and cant be changed and the future is pure conjecture.
I also pray on my knees every morning, lunch time and evening before the lights go out. I don't pray to the guy the Pope represents but to my God. it is detaching, comforting and it works. How? No idea. I also remember that this discomfort and feeling of pain is change and growth. The sort of discomfort and pain I used to turn to the bottle for which made it all so much worse and so much more disorientating.
But amongst it all I do know one thing. That great things are going to happen to you and me because we deserve it. The fog lifts and the sun shines through. I choose to believe and live that way day at a time. I'll worry about tomorrow when it becomes today.
Stick around and keep telling us what's happening for you. It's good for you and it's really good for the rest of us. Kind of like sharing a big bag of candy around a group of friends.
Memberado
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 287
Originally Posted by SoberFallon
Sounds to me like you are doing EXCELLENT in recovery!
It took me 2 years to let AA work for me. My first crack at sobriety was in January 2011. Did all those things I was supposed to do: went to meetings, got a sponsor, and started working the steps. But it wasn't working. I was miserable and I thought I hated all those losers that hung out at AA meetings. I fled when it came time for Step 8.
I stopped attending AA meetings & fired my sponsor (yes, I fired her and AA via e-mail) in February 2012. I started drinking again in May 2012. By the end of November 2012 I was in the hospital clinging to life from active alcoholism. I neatly tucked my tail between my legs and crawled back to AA. It's amazing how AA can work IF you let it work!
I'm sorry you have so much to deal with. Part of the AA program teaches us how to live on lifes terms. It takes time to hear, learn and practice these new habits.
I also get horribly lonely many times. I'm single, daughter is grown and lives on her own and I lost my job in December as a result of my relapse. Some days I'm riddled with self-pity and loneliness. Because of AA I can recognize it for what it is. It's a feeling and that's it. I picture it as a wave and let it pass. Start thinking about your blessings. I might be jobless and penniless right now but I am very much blessed.
Keep up the wonderful work you're doing! I hate to say it, because it even makes MY eyes roll but it takes time....and work....and patience. All those things us drunks don't like!
It took me 2 years to let AA work for me. My first crack at sobriety was in January 2011. Did all those things I was supposed to do: went to meetings, got a sponsor, and started working the steps. But it wasn't working. I was miserable and I thought I hated all those losers that hung out at AA meetings. I fled when it came time for Step 8.
I stopped attending AA meetings & fired my sponsor (yes, I fired her and AA via e-mail) in February 2012. I started drinking again in May 2012. By the end of November 2012 I was in the hospital clinging to life from active alcoholism. I neatly tucked my tail between my legs and crawled back to AA. It's amazing how AA can work IF you let it work!
I'm sorry you have so much to deal with. Part of the AA program teaches us how to live on lifes terms. It takes time to hear, learn and practice these new habits.
I also get horribly lonely many times. I'm single, daughter is grown and lives on her own and I lost my job in December as a result of my relapse. Some days I'm riddled with self-pity and loneliness. Because of AA I can recognize it for what it is. It's a feeling and that's it. I picture it as a wave and let it pass. Start thinking about your blessings. I might be jobless and penniless right now but I am very much blessed.
Keep up the wonderful work you're doing! I hate to say it, because it even makes MY eyes roll but it takes time....and work....and patience. All those things us drunks don't like!
Thank you so much for your considerate reflections on my current situation. I appreciate hearing about your experience!
I like how you say tha tloneliness etc is just a feeling. I had forgotten that. It's just a feeling, a number of electric brain impulses... or whatever really.
I do have many things to be grateful for. So many "difficult" things have worked out veeeery smoothly since I joined AA and started trying to practice their pronciples. I got my own apartment (VERY hard to do where I live without all kinds of financial guarantees from family or great work history), I seem to be managing to maintain a couple of months' rent in advance in a separate account... I really am very careful about grocery shopping only on a full stomach so that I can buy things that are smart to buy, not splurge on ready made stuff.
I used to NEVER EVER get any jobs at all. And I recently got the first recovery job I applied for. I made one call and got it. Spent three weeks working a "********" job but it got me one more months' rent together...
Slowly, sowly, slowly... it'll all be taken care of?
I struggle with lack of faith.
Memberado
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 287
Originally Posted by Deluxe
Thanks for the post DesperadoBlond,
I can relate. I am in early sobriety and in the last 2 weeks terminated a 4 year relationship with a woman who is wonderful. She also had a very dark side to her personality and she could be very abusive, verbally, mentally and physically. I had to draw a line and said if she crossed it again it was over. She crossed it with great gusto and told me to live with it or else as that is who she was. So I decided to end it on the spot.
There certainly was a co-dependancy there though that was doing me no good at all. She was a huge issue for me in reaching lasting sobriety. After making my decision my sponsor totally agreed and said you need to make a decision. Be in with all your heart or be out. Full stop but either way make a decision and move on.
I miss her and the loneliness creeps in like fog down a dark street. You don't even really know it's arrived until you take a moment to look up and around and noticed the street lights have a misty halo around them. And then you're surrounded by it.
It feels like a necessary step in my life and when the fog rolls in I just try and sit with it, notice what I am feeling and just feel it. I think part of it is grief and a part is just change. I try and keep really busy and for me writing a list in the morning or the night before works well. From closing business and ringing a client to taking Dexter the dog for a walk and washing the kids sheets. I try and set a specific time to cook dinner and ensure it is something good not just whatever is in the fridge. Last night was penne with diced roasted chicken, garlic, chilli, mushrooms and goats cheese. As someone that rises at 6:00 am I also try and turn the light off at a sensible time whether I am tired or not.
I go to a meeting a day and call my sponsor at 5:30, vacuum the house and clean the toilets in spare moments. I'm organised and end the day busy. In other words I don't let the fog fill my brain. Neither the fog related to my recent ex or that of early sobriety. I also make a point of finding time to relax and read and feel no guilt over it. I really do my best to live in today and today only. As my sponsor says the past is gone and cant be changed and the future is pure conjecture.
I also pray on my knees every morning, lunch time and evening before the lights go out. I don't pray to the guy the Pope represents but to my God. it is detaching, comforting and it works. How? No idea. I also remember that this discomfort and feeling of pain is change and growth. The sort of discomfort and pain I used to turn to the bottle for which made it all so much worse and so much more disorientating.
But amongst it all I do know one thing. That great things are going to happen to you and me because we deserve it. The fog lifts and the sun shines through. I choose to believe and live that way day at a time. I'll worry about tomorrow when it becomes today.
Stick around and keep telling us what's happening for you. It's good for you and it's really good for the rest of us. Kind of like sharing a big bag of candy around a group of friends.
I can relate. I am in early sobriety and in the last 2 weeks terminated a 4 year relationship with a woman who is wonderful. She also had a very dark side to her personality and she could be very abusive, verbally, mentally and physically. I had to draw a line and said if she crossed it again it was over. She crossed it with great gusto and told me to live with it or else as that is who she was. So I decided to end it on the spot.
There certainly was a co-dependancy there though that was doing me no good at all. She was a huge issue for me in reaching lasting sobriety. After making my decision my sponsor totally agreed and said you need to make a decision. Be in with all your heart or be out. Full stop but either way make a decision and move on.
I miss her and the loneliness creeps in like fog down a dark street. You don't even really know it's arrived until you take a moment to look up and around and noticed the street lights have a misty halo around them. And then you're surrounded by it.
It feels like a necessary step in my life and when the fog rolls in I just try and sit with it, notice what I am feeling and just feel it. I think part of it is grief and a part is just change. I try and keep really busy and for me writing a list in the morning or the night before works well. From closing business and ringing a client to taking Dexter the dog for a walk and washing the kids sheets. I try and set a specific time to cook dinner and ensure it is something good not just whatever is in the fridge. Last night was penne with diced roasted chicken, garlic, chilli, mushrooms and goats cheese. As someone that rises at 6:00 am I also try and turn the light off at a sensible time whether I am tired or not.
I go to a meeting a day and call my sponsor at 5:30, vacuum the house and clean the toilets in spare moments. I'm organised and end the day busy. In other words I don't let the fog fill my brain. Neither the fog related to my recent ex or that of early sobriety. I also make a point of finding time to relax and read and feel no guilt over it. I really do my best to live in today and today only. As my sponsor says the past is gone and cant be changed and the future is pure conjecture.
I also pray on my knees every morning, lunch time and evening before the lights go out. I don't pray to the guy the Pope represents but to my God. it is detaching, comforting and it works. How? No idea. I also remember that this discomfort and feeling of pain is change and growth. The sort of discomfort and pain I used to turn to the bottle for which made it all so much worse and so much more disorientating.
But amongst it all I do know one thing. That great things are going to happen to you and me because we deserve it. The fog lifts and the sun shines through. I choose to believe and live that way day at a time. I'll worry about tomorrow when it becomes today.
Stick around and keep telling us what's happening for you. It's good for you and it's really good for the rest of us. Kind of like sharing a big bag of candy around a group of friends.
Thanks for this wonderful post!
You know, your life sounds a lot like mine. I too do spend spare time scrubbing my toilet, the sink, fluffing up pillows... When I was drinking I couldn't bring myself to do any daily stuff and my house looked like a dumpster. And of course that made me even more depressed.
Now I do my dishes right after dinner and most certainly don't leave it until the morning. No way. I want a clean start.
Thanks for your beautiful descriptions of the fog. We have much in common, though you seem to have a bit more acceptance about things than I have.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Sydney, NSW
Posts: 104
Well DBlond if you are referring to praying and God then I am no expert. I was told to do it even if I did it with skepticism and doubt so I just do it. To me God is love and love is God. But that's just to me.
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