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Old 03-18-2013, 11:18 AM
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Change Change Change

Well, since moving here almost 1 year ago. We have had a series of setbacks and struggles. My dear husband despises his co-workers. He has been with his company for 5 years and has never experienced such negativity and complete carelessness. Before the transfer, all was well with him and his job. Despite long hours, he enjoyed his world. We transferred here hoping that the sun would make us happy, the warmth would do us good. In less than 1 years time: We lost a lot of money in Escrow, I lost my job, we have not made friends, we are in a small apartment (overpriced) in a shady part of town. My husband wants to go back to where we came from, the North Coast of California. Im starting to think that this is a good idea. I mean, I dont have a job that pays well and I am not even sure what i am going to do. All this change is huge. I dont feel like drinking. I dont feel like anything. I am just moving onward and upward. .....Actually, i am sitting here. I haven't learned levitation yet.
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Old 03-18-2013, 11:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Mizzuno View Post
Well, since moving here almost 1 year ago. We have had a series of setbacks and struggles. My dear husband despises his co-workers. He has been with his company for 5 years and has never experienced such negativity and complete carelessness. Before the transfer, all was well with him and his job. Despite long hours, he enjoyed his world. We transferred here hoping that the sun would make us happy, the warmth would do us good. In less than 1 years time: We lost a lot of money in Escrow, I lost my job, we have not made friends, we are in a small apartment (overpriced) in a shady part of town. My husband wants to go back to where we came from, the North Coast of California. Im starting to think that this is a good idea. I mean, I dont have a job that pays well and I am not even sure what i am going to do. All this change is huge. I dont feel like drinking. I dont feel like anything. I am just moving onward and upward. .....Actually, i am sitting here. I haven't learned levitation yet.
Holy crap I guess I'd want to go back to the north coast of California too! I'm a true-blue east coaster, but northern California is just . . . well, amazing.

You and your husband have each other, you have an income, you have your sobriety. Those are all HUGE! Good luck whatever you decide!
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Old 03-18-2013, 11:31 AM
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Yes, .. if we "step in it" we learn to step back out of it , not sit in it or dig deeper.

Sounds like you are being restored to sanity.

All the best.

Bob R
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Old 03-18-2013, 11:36 AM
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Originally Posted by 2granddaughters View Post
Yes, .. if we "step in it" we learn to step back out of it , not sit in it or dig deeper.

Sounds like you are being restored to sanity.

All the best.

Bob R
Okay. Im reading between the lines..... Its been crap since coming, so we should go back to where we came from? Im not going to be stepping in crap any longer. Thank god I didn't really unpack....
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Old 03-18-2013, 11:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Mizzuno View Post
I am just moving onward and upward. .....Actually, i am sitting here. I haven't learned levitation yet.
That made me giggle. It also reminded me of Jonathon Livingston Seagull, which I just read again for the first time in 25+ years.

Not to say you should stay where you are now, but one year really is not very long to get acclimated to a new place. I've made several large moves and can tell you it takes time, patience and effort to be happy anywhere you go.

Are you two getting out and doing things that would enable you to meet new people?

Making friends in a new place happened for me when I started getting involved in things that I enjoy. It enabled me to find people with similar values and interests. When I moved to my current location I got involved with the community through several volunteer organizations. It was the first time I had done so and made a huge difference in my experience here.

My circle of friends is comprised of transplants, which makes a big difference. People that have lived in one place all their lives often have plenty of connections already, but people that relocated here are just more ready to meet new people. I've now got a group of friends that helps one another in the way family would. Our families are too far away to pet sit, come jump the car when the battery dies, pick up soup when someone is sick. These friendships have made all the difference to my enjoyment of this place. It's not even the best town, but the people I've met make me love it even when other things bother me.

Our little town has activities like Friday night gallery walks each month. Do you have anything like that in your new city? It's been a great place to meet people and even if you don't meet anyone it's fun to browse the shops and look at the art work.

I am also learning that my own attitude makes a huge difference. I recently had the opportunity to socialize with someone that previously rubbed me the wrong way. (Friend of a friend.) I could have stayed home, but I decided to go and also decided that I was going to enjoy this person's company no matter what happened. It worked!! I found things about her that I actually really like. Maybe things will get better for your husband at the office. I had a co-worker that I really couldn't stand, until one day he told us an awesome story about his time as a Carnie in the 70's. It's crazy, but just him relaying this really odd experience made me see him in a different light, and improved our relationship.

(((Hugs))) I know it isn't easy!
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Old 03-18-2013, 11:45 AM
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Hanna, Yes, its true that it takes time. I am willing to give it time. I see my husbands misery and with all that i have put him through in the last week? He is unhappy. We are a unit and his happiness in this marriage is of great importance. Co-workers are just that, co-workers. I have no confidence in my decision making abilities at this moment. I figure, if he wants to leave.....lets leave. Im at a crossroads anyways. My new employer has still not gotten back to me about hours at the Eatery. Im starting to think it is all a sign....
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Old 03-18-2013, 01:50 PM
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I read a weariness in your posts and that is no surprise. You've had so much going on in the last week. As my friend says whenever I've been dealing with too much, "Now is not the time to get a tattoo!" Meaning - no permanent decisions need to be made today. She also says "You need a nap!" and means it both metaphorically and physically; after so much difficulty we need a big rest to rejuvenate ourselves and see things in better light.

Your concern for him is very sweet and right. The right thing, stay where you are or move on, will come to you two when it is time. Lay down your worries for a few days. Life will unfold as it should on it's own time and things will get better.
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Old 03-18-2013, 01:54 PM
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Hi Mizzuno,

Your first post reminded me of all the years I spent - many years ago - moving to places, then moving away again quite quickly, PRIMARILY because my then-husbands (this happened in two successive marriages) wanted to. Your posts mostly sound like it's HIS needs and wants and unhappiness overwhelming you; when you, as you say (and I remember feeling like this too), feel so indecisive, then it's a bit too easy to allow that other person to 'drive' what happens next.

Perhaps give some thought, on your own, delving deep into yourself, to 'what is it that I might be needing?'
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Old 03-18-2013, 02:04 PM
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I need a nap.
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Old 03-18-2013, 02:13 PM
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Mizzuno,

I think it might be a good idea to pause and look at things. You moved, hoping that the sun would make you feel good. Has it helped? Speaking from someone who lives in eastern Canada, I can imagine that some sunshine would really help. What do you hope to achieve by moving back to northern California? It might be a good idea to figure out what you both want.

I hear guilt in your post and I can sure relate to that. The first couple of years I was in recovery, I really wanted to do what I could to help my husband be happy. (In reality, all I needed to do was to stop drinking.) Be careful that you pay attention to your own needs as well as your husband's.
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Old 03-18-2013, 02:14 PM
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Mizzuno.... If anyone can handle this you can. You are doing well. I have complete faith in you!

I have a lot of change heading my way so I know the feeling of impending change and how it can affect me. Don't let it affect you poorly. You seem to have a good attitude.
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Old 03-18-2013, 02:25 PM
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I figure because it is not working out here, it is probably best to go. I could care less about staying. We have devised a plan that I will go back into school and work part time. My step son is without us for the first time in his life....everyones heart hurts from this. My husband is miserable and has been for awhile ( he is always the shining light of positive) I do feel bad for what's happened with me..... As I lay here with no motivation. I just want things to go back to some kind of normal, my normal without the wine involved. So, he is putting in a transfer. I really don't have much to lose ya know. .......this drama is worse than a episode of the Housewives......minus the gobs of money and diamonds.
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Old 03-18-2013, 05:28 PM
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I'm a big believer in the large part that our environment plays in shaping our lives. It's very hard to function in a place that doesn't feed your soul in some way. Add overpaying, shabby area, unpleasant co-workers, and loneliness and it's just not a recipe for a fulfilling life.

I realize "they" don't recommend making big changes in early recovery, but if a big change will support your recovery and bring you more happiness, I say "go for it". It doesn't sound like you have anything to stay for. It also sounds like going back to school and working part time will relieve some of the pressure about work that you've been feeling which is a big bonus.

Wherever you go, you'll take SR along too
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Old 03-18-2013, 07:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Mizzuno View Post
Okay. Im reading between the lines..... Its been crap since coming, so we should go back to where we came from? Im not going to be stepping in crap any longer. Thank god I didn't really unpack....
hhhhmmm. im wonderin if the not unpacking as a lil message from God.

look at it this way: if ya didnt make the move, ya may have lived with regrets for never trying it to see the results.
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