ultrabunny

That's what I feel like doing. Seriously.

People think I'm this strong girl but underneath I feel so lost.

The worst thing is that I have given up on me. Before I was like...I can do this etc...but now..I just have no self belief.

I know I'm wallowing, gawd, I hate myself for it.

What is wrong with me?? (I know, it's the addition...)

The sad thing is that for everytime I let myself down, the closer I feel to letting everything go. Its so hard keeping this pretence up...would be easier to say 'yeah, I'm a mess' but instead I have so much responsibility it scares me. People thinking I'm ok and in control and I'm so far from it

doggonecarl

We can't let negative thoughts about the past dictate the future. The only correlation between the past and the future is what you make it.

You've already gone down the road of giving up and drinking. It's time to press on, in the face of all the obstacles, if the face of feeling really, really bad.

You can do this.

Jil

I felt lost and alone and like giving up for a long time and honestly I think it's amazing that you're recognizing the situation; that you feel weak inside yet everyone thinks you're so strong and capable. One day you'll get to that point and it will be nice reinforcement to have people think that about you.

What really helped me is to start seeing a psychologist. I saw a few that I didn't click with before I met my current one. It helped me to learn my strengths and to overcome my weaknesses.

I can honestly say that, even if it's terribly hard and you don't feel like you can do it, your views about your drinking problem will never change and the longer you drag out your recovery, the weaker you'll get. Try to stay strong, take it day by day, and focus on yourself; not what others view of you.

Grymt

maybe this is what it feels like to go sane

ultrabunny

Im so tired of fighting this

ultrabunny

I would never kill myself because of my amazing children but it was my first thought this morning

Hevyn

I agree with Jil - you can't see it Ultrabunny - but it is so good that you're admitting & facing up to these feelings. I'd probably have dismissed them and buried them deep inside, letting them fester. You are self-aware, many of us aren't capable of that.

I was lost and alone for many years. I drank for decades. No one in my life understood what I went through. That's why SR has been so valuable to me. I felt uplifted and hopeful - but it didn't happen right away. Please don't give up on yourself. We know you can do this - we believe in you.

Jil

I've been there before- sometimes life just seems too damn hard. Do you have friends/family to help you or any other thoughts on how you can get through this? I'm glad you posted, you're not alone. I'm thinking of you.

ultrabunny

Thank you for your replies.

The thing I truly hate about myself is the ability that I can convince myself that I am normal.

Why why why can't it accept that I am not? So I can just get on with recovery.

Weasel1966

UB.... I think it's way harder to give up. I tried giving up on my life. But cannot seem to get there. So I am here. With you and a lot of folks like me.

This site has been so valuable to me. Why? Because its proof we can stop and stay stopped. And that life improves. Not on our schedule sometimes but it does.

Jil

You're probably very 'normal' in a lot of other aspects. It just is hard right now because being a 'normal' drinker would be so much easier, wouldn't it? So maybe you want to tell yourself you are so that you don't have to go through this process. But you know what? On this website you ARE normal- we ALL have the same disease. A life of partying and drinking is very common for many people, but for me a life of clarity and freedom from my disease is really what's normal.

trachemys

bunny, you are normal. Sobriety is the natural state of the primitive brain. That's why it becomes the addicted brain. Why some are wired for non-addiction, I don't know. I just know that I'm wired for addiction. So, I don't drink.

ReadyAtLast

hi UB

can you see your doc. I felt very depressed when I stopped drinking and seeing my doc really helped. You do not have to do this alone. In the same way, please look after yourself, people may rely on you and need you but firstly you need to take care of you.

FamilyMan2153

The good news is that you are talking about your issues. A very good first step. The only bad news is that acceptance is very tough. It is hard to accept that yo are an alcoholic and there is not one damn thing you can do about it. I had a very hard time with it. I remember looking in the mirror many mornings and just hating myself. Why do I cause so much pain to myself and others. It was a very dark time. It is so hard to see the light where you are but know there is light. Only you can see it and things will get so much better. I do not know your life story but I bet I could find many good things in your life. Hard to see through the fog of using but they are there. Like your signature states, "just 24 hours at a time". You can do this.

Sally3127

Hi Ultrabunny. I don't know if this will help you but it helped me. She has me write out a gratitude list everyday. It doesn't have to be a long list. Just putting down small things like a roof over my head, a car that runs, this website, etc. it's amazing how it can help you. At least it does for me.

RightLAine

I feel the same way. I went 2 days last week without drinking and then I drank all weekend. Now I feel like $hit and I feel like I can't get out of this cycle. I want to be soer for my kids but I feel like I am not strong enough to do it

FamilyMan2153

Hi Ultrabunny. I don't know if this will help you but it helped me. She has me write out a gratitude list everyday. It doesn't have to be a long list. Just putting down small things like a roof over my head, a car that runs, this website, etc. it's amazing how it can help you. At least it does for me.

This is an exellent idea. I did this as well and still look at it once in awhile!!