LastGlass

Although I attended a couple of AA meetings the week that I got sober, since then I have been keeping myself sober through sheer will power (probably not the best way). For the first couple weeks of sobriety, I was on a pink cloud-- energetic and amazed at how many productive hours a sober day contains. The honeymoon is over now, and a lot of the time sobriety just feels like the hardest work I have ever done in my life. I am filling my days with work (my job is a demanding one), gardening, concerts, etc., but nonetheless I have come close to relapsing more times than I can count. In fact, I have planned out multiple potential relapses in great detail, justifying them in my mind by reasoning that most alcoholics relapse at some point. Never mind that I quit because I knew that alcohol would kill eventually. I have been drinking since I was thirteen years old, and apparently I don’t know how else to manage daily life. The slightest perceived offense by a friend or coworker sends me reeling into depression and anger. I no longer have alcohol to help me brush off every little thing that makes me feel bad. I realize now that I honestly thought that sobriety would help me achieve self-perfection. Without alcohol, nothing could stop me! Instead, now I just see myself and the world I live in—the good and the bad—more clearly. I have a good life. Why can't I take pleasure in it? Why am I suddenly obsessed with how others view me and treat me? In spite of the moments of great joy and clarity sobriety has brought me, I am choking on bitterness and resentment. I resent a lot of people, but even more, I resent being an alcoholic. I guess that I haven't accepted it yet. Will I ever?

Grymt

maybe you have accepted it but haven't let go?

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR.

I am not sure if recovery, or happiness in recovery for that matter, is dependent on you accepting or not accepting that you are an alcoholic.

But it is dependent on you accepting you can never drink again, that you cannot rely on alcohol to "brush off the bad feelings."

Quitting is one thing. Dealing with life without alcohol is another. You've done four months doing the former. Awesome. Find a method to do the latter for the next four or you will indeed relapse.

Stay strong.

trachemys

That's what I read, anyway. You're doing great. Not many have that willpower.

You need to develop some new coping skills. The first one might be to accept these feelings as normal. We all feel these things. How we respond to our feelings is totally in our control.

Welcome.

Jil

I think coming to terms with being an alcoholic is a process. Some days I was okay with it, others- not so much. But I will say, every day I got a little bit stronger and gained more willpower to tell those negative thoughts to bugger off. I knew that my alcoholism was the cause of all my problems at the time, because of how it made me act and because it didn't allow me to feel what I was feeling. So right now, being sober for four months, it's overwhelming because you have clarity and are able to feel everything, and it can be really hard sometimes.

There is a reason you quit drinking- think about that every day, reinforce yourself as to why you need to do this for yourself. I think that everyone is capable of accepting that they are an alcoholic, it just takes time, self-reflection, a lot of willpower, and emotional work. Stay strong.

DryRoastJim

Firstly, a HUGE congratulations for 4 months that is FANTASTIC!! I am at day 7 and I am not on a pink cloud. I am well aware that I am at a fragile state and to always be on my toes.

Like you, I too have pondered how to keep sober. I think that will power is actually a good thing so don't fret that "will power alone" is all bad, it got you this far!!

So perhaps a foundation is needed, ask yourself why did you quit? What benefits have you seen to quitting? How is you health etc.

Another thing to keep in mind, is the "Alcoholic Voice". This little guy can be pesky, giving you reasons to start drinking. Your message indicates that you have been able to justify a relapse, but again, that is just the Alcoholic Voice talking.

Physically, you are through all the rough stuff, you've made the de-tox and your body is use to being without alcohol.

Mentally is always a bit more tricky. Consider searching the board with keywords like "coping skills" "relapse" etc.

Also do some googling on with the same words.

Create yourself a daily regime of why and how you can stay sober.

Also, resentment, there was a message on here posted by someone on that very subject. She wrote "Don't hold resentment, it will take down giants" Here is the link:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...wn-gaints.html

I read her message with interest, the only thing missing was "how" to do this.

Take care and be well!

Nattythreads

4 mths is pretty damn impressive but you're going to have to find an outlet for all the **** stuff that's going on. It's a bit like a pressure cooker - if you don't let off the steam, you'll blow.

Along this tortuous path to (hopefully) long-term sobriety, I've picked up many many good tips and habits from a multitude of people/resources and each time I go "right - enough" I find I have more to fall back on when I'm struggling.

A couple of years back I found out I was allergic to penicillin. All my life I'd been fine with it and then suddenly I wasn't. A wise person I know pointed out that if I had problems with the alcoholic label, don't think of it like that. Just think of yourself as being allergic to alcohol. For some reason that really resonated with me. I wholly accept that I'm allergic to alcohol.

Sometimes these semantics can be really useful!