Making it Work
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 28
Making it Work
Are there others here who are actively trying to make it work with their alcoholic or recovering alcoholic spouse? Is your spouse actively drinking or in recovery? Why do you want to make it work with him/her?
I've already done the separation thing from my husband when things were at their worst. It was safest for myself and our children and felt at that point that there was no other choice we could possibly make. A year after he had been to rehab we officially moved back in together. He ended up relapsing, which resulted in a DUI and loss of his license for a year. At this point he is in recovery again.
Quite simply, I love who this man is. I recognize that he has a disease and is human. This does not excuse his actions, but I know he doesn't make these decisions because he is a bad person. He is kind, caring, and very intelligent. He is an amazing father (doing such things as staying up late one night learning how to knit so that he could teach our oldest daughter the next day). He is supportive of mine and our daughters' interests, he is a tremendous help with household chores, etc. We have a lot of fun together, a lot of passion, and a lot of respect for each other.
I would give it all up in an instant, if the situation ever became what it once was before. But as it is today, although not perfect (what/who is though?), there isn't anyone else I'd rather share my life with.
I've already done the separation thing from my husband when things were at their worst. It was safest for myself and our children and felt at that point that there was no other choice we could possibly make. A year after he had been to rehab we officially moved back in together. He ended up relapsing, which resulted in a DUI and loss of his license for a year. At this point he is in recovery again.
Quite simply, I love who this man is. I recognize that he has a disease and is human. This does not excuse his actions, but I know he doesn't make these decisions because he is a bad person. He is kind, caring, and very intelligent. He is an amazing father (doing such things as staying up late one night learning how to knit so that he could teach our oldest daughter the next day). He is supportive of mine and our daughters' interests, he is a tremendous help with household chores, etc. We have a lot of fun together, a lot of passion, and a lot of respect for each other.
I would give it all up in an instant, if the situation ever became what it once was before. But as it is today, although not perfect (what/who is though?), there isn't anyone else I'd rather share my life with.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I did it with my first husband. He stayed in recovery, and yes, it was worth it to me. When I married him he was a year sober, and I could see the changes in him, and that he was, indeed, the good person I believed him to be underneath the booze. I also felt confident, at that point, that he was committed to those changes.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
My RAH is in recovery, attends AA & has been a bit more than 1.5 yrs sober at this point. We went through a 2-year separation at one point during all of the madness but stayed together.
I stayed because we had a lot of very good, very happy years before alcohol became factor in our relationship & once RAH chose recovery I could see that underneath all the BS there were still remnants of the person I used to know & still loved. I stayed to find out whether enough of the good, old parts of each of us remained & were strong enough to accept the kinds of changes that true recovery requires.
Mostly I stayed because he has shown dedication to his recovery & even if his pace is slower than I would like (my problem, not his), he is actively working on getting better & things have improved tremendously despite the kinks. I feel like he acknowledges the pain that he has caused & that helps. Like you, I will never go back to the crisis of what our life had become if he chooses to drink actively again, but for now I'm happy where I am.
I stayed because we had a lot of very good, very happy years before alcohol became factor in our relationship & once RAH chose recovery I could see that underneath all the BS there were still remnants of the person I used to know & still loved. I stayed to find out whether enough of the good, old parts of each of us remained & were strong enough to accept the kinds of changes that true recovery requires.
Mostly I stayed because he has shown dedication to his recovery & even if his pace is slower than I would like (my problem, not his), he is actively working on getting better & things have improved tremendously despite the kinks. I feel like he acknowledges the pain that he has caused & that helps. Like you, I will never go back to the crisis of what our life had become if he chooses to drink actively again, but for now I'm happy where I am.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: texas
Posts: 103
I am not married to mine, but he recently went through rehab and is doing really well as far as the not drinking part goes. I am very happy and proud of him for that.
As far as he and I go though....well, I am finding myself to be a little bitter and resentful towards him.
I was really hoping that alot of the behaivors that he showed during his drunkedness, would go away during his sobriety, but I have found that he is still a very selfish man.
Alot of damage was done to me. All of the lies, the womanizing the mental abuse etc. Its like the roles have kind of reversed now. He is dong ok with his sobriety, but I now have alot of issues.
I don't trust him. I am still a little scared that if I say or do the wrong thing, that it will bring back the two headed monster that he once was.
I am not worried about his drinking anymore, but all of the other garbage that went along with it.
He has said thank you for sticking by him, but I am still waiting on the true apology and acknowledgement of all the ****** things he has done to me and I am never going to get it from him.
So, that is causing me to be bitter and resentful.
As far as he and I go though....well, I am finding myself to be a little bitter and resentful towards him.
I was really hoping that alot of the behaivors that he showed during his drunkedness, would go away during his sobriety, but I have found that he is still a very selfish man.
Alot of damage was done to me. All of the lies, the womanizing the mental abuse etc. Its like the roles have kind of reversed now. He is dong ok with his sobriety, but I now have alot of issues.
I don't trust him. I am still a little scared that if I say or do the wrong thing, that it will bring back the two headed monster that he once was.
I am not worried about his drinking anymore, but all of the other garbage that went along with it.
He has said thank you for sticking by him, but I am still waiting on the true apology and acknowledgement of all the ****** things he has done to me and I am never going to get it from him.
So, that is causing me to be bitter and resentful.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
My BF has been in recovery now for 4 months, and I'm still with him. I was out the door, stuff packed, when he decided he would go into treatment. We've been together 10 yrs, and the alcohol has been an issue for the past 3. The past year was hell on earth, and looking back I see how sick I became from all of it. Chaos, crazy crazy chaos.
He is making his recovery his #1 priority. AA 6 days a week, working with a great sponsor, seeing a counselor from his treatment program, and attending couples counseling with me. He's learning to slow down and take time for himself. The best part is he's happy. I'm in AlAnon, and have my own sponsor, working my own recovery.
It's still very early, and there is much work to do. I have found that I have just as much work to do as he does! I don't trust very much right now. We're learning how to trust and communicate, but again, it's early. I"m more hopeful, but I'd be lying if I said I had no worries. I have been clear that I can not survive in this re'ship if he relapses. I will never go through what I just went through last year.
He is making his recovery his #1 priority. AA 6 days a week, working with a great sponsor, seeing a counselor from his treatment program, and attending couples counseling with me. He's learning to slow down and take time for himself. The best part is he's happy. I'm in AlAnon, and have my own sponsor, working my own recovery.
It's still very early, and there is much work to do. I have found that I have just as much work to do as he does! I don't trust very much right now. We're learning how to trust and communicate, but again, it's early. I"m more hopeful, but I'd be lying if I said I had no worries. I have been clear that I can not survive in this re'ship if he relapses. I will never go through what I just went through last year.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I am still with mine he relapsed last year after 10 years sober. I have only been with him 2.5 years. Because of his health issues caused by alcoholism I wasn't willing to stick it out for the long run had he continued drinking. While he was boozing I was on here and in Al Anon to figure out what the hell to do. His drinking got ugly (just as I had been told it would). Next day I set my boundary booze or me. He chose sobriety again.
Our relationship is much better now than it was before he relapsed. I owe that to SR and Al Anon I was quite co-dependent and didn't have a clue. So in a weird way I am glad he relapsed.
Now if he relapses again......I can't say for sure unless it happens, but I don't feel that I will stick around. It was horrifying for me daily - not because of his actions but because of his health. He was a pleasant drunk. Overall it was just too much stress I often went to bed wondering if he would get sick, go to the hospital, if he was managing his diabetes, or if he would overdose as he is on pain meds for chronic pain. I don't believe I could do it again.
Our relationship is much better now than it was before he relapsed. I owe that to SR and Al Anon I was quite co-dependent and didn't have a clue. So in a weird way I am glad he relapsed.
Now if he relapses again......I can't say for sure unless it happens, but I don't feel that I will stick around. It was horrifying for me daily - not because of his actions but because of his health. He was a pleasant drunk. Overall it was just too much stress I often went to bed wondering if he would get sick, go to the hospital, if he was managing his diabetes, or if he would overdose as he is on pain meds for chronic pain. I don't believe I could do it again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by Lynnrae2 
I am not married to mine, but he recently went through rehab and is doing really well as far as the not drinking part goes. I am very happy and proud of him for that.
As far as he and I go though....well, I am finding myself to be a little bitter and resentful towards him.
I was really hoping that alot of the behaivors that he showed during his drunkedness, would go away during his sobriety, but I have found that he is still a very selfish man.
Alot of damage was done to me. All of the lies, the womanizing the mental abuse etc. Its like the roles have kind of reversed now. He is dong ok with his sobriety, but I now have alot of issues.
I don't trust him. I am still a little scared that if I say or do the wrong thing, that it will bring back the two headed monster that he once was.
I am not worried about his drinking anymore, but all of the other garbage that went along with it.
He has said thank you for sticking by him, but I am still waiting on the true apology and acknowledgement of all the ****** things he has done to me and I am never going to get it from him.
So, that is causing me to be bitter and resentful.
As far as he and I go though....well, I am finding myself to be a little bitter and resentful towards him.
I was really hoping that alot of the behaivors that he showed during his drunkedness, would go away during his sobriety, but I have found that he is still a very selfish man.
Alot of damage was done to me. All of the lies, the womanizing the mental abuse etc. Its like the roles have kind of reversed now. He is dong ok with his sobriety, but I now have alot of issues.
I don't trust him. I am still a little scared that if I say or do the wrong thing, that it will bring back the two headed monster that he once was.
I am not worried about his drinking anymore, but all of the other garbage that went along with it.
He has said thank you for sticking by him, but I am still waiting on the true apology and acknowledgement of all the ****** things he has done to me and I am never going to get it from him.
So, that is causing me to be bitter and resentful.
When I look at the situation objectively and separate out that hurt and anger though, I see so clearly just how much I enjoy him as a person. He has many wonderful qualities that I appreciate and respect.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Why?
The kids.
They asked me. Please keep the family together, Dad. My orders, my mission. Anything in the world for them.
She is back from Re-Hab about 100 days, now. Pretty much a mess, and working the Fake It Till (if?) She Makes It route. All the lies are just strange. Daughter (very Alateened, now, too) is jokingly calling it 100 lies in 100 days.
The kids.
They asked me. Please keep the family together, Dad. My orders, my mission. Anything in the world for them.
She is back from Re-Hab about 100 days, now. Pretty much a mess, and working the Fake It Till (if?) She Makes It route. All the lies are just strange. Daughter (very Alateened, now, too) is jokingly calling it 100 lies in 100 days.
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