Its been awhile...

Old 03-18-2013, 07:57 AM
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Taking back what is mine!
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Its been awhile...

Since I posted. Things havent changed much. I am better at not caring and just leaving him be. He isnt drinking as much, our relationship is still no better. He just doesnt fly off the handle as easily. I plan on leaving him soon, things have been falling in place rather smoothly. His biggest complaint is no relations. *roll eyes* I have gotten better at setting boundaries and sticking to them. I realized this yesterday. Im not sure if I posted about his mom before but she has been an A for quite some timw. In and out of jail, rehab, etc. Recently she became homeless and couldnt afford vodka or beer so she moved on to hand santizer. She was hospitalized a few times and went into a year and a half rehab program. She had been doing well, it has been about 3 months. He got a call sat that she left with a roomate and ended up back in the hospital completely unaware as to how she got there. Needless to say she got kicked out of the rehab and had no where to go. I quickly said no, no way, not a chance. I live with 3 A's as it is and I am not dealing with another. Of course this lead to an arguement, I understand its his mom but I cant do it. I cant say she cant come to the area but she is not welcome to live here. So I compromised some and agreed sge could come visit and we can buy her a ticket back to where you choses to go. He wanted 2 weeks, I said only if you plan on taking off of work for those 2 weeks. I am not a babysitter or A sitter in this case, i am not going to be the one stuck at home having to watch her every move while trying to take care of my almost 3 yr old.

So anyways I am not sure the point of this post. He is still mad but he cant seem to understand that I have little sympathy considering my position. I am proud of myself for laying out my rules and sticking to them but the whole her coming to.visit makes me nervous. I have this horrible gut feeling that it is going to end badly. I feel defensive at the mention of her. I dont want yet another one of them envading my space, mind, peace and influencing my daughter. I hope my gut is wrong but I am not all that optimistic about the visit or where it is going to leave me and him.
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Old 03-18-2013, 08:06 AM
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Thank you for posting, I have been wondering how you've been doing.

I am glad that your plans to leave have been falling into place, and I hope that despite this massive distraction with his mother that you are able to keep moving forward. You cannot predict what's going to happen or how it will turn out, but you can keep focusing on you, your daughter, and your future. I don't envy the position he is putting you in; stay strong. Sending good thoughts your way.
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Old 03-18-2013, 09:48 AM
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sounds like you are developing some strong healthy boundaries for you & your child
great job!

keep taking good care of you & seeking what is healthiest for your recovery!

pink hugs
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Old 03-18-2013, 09:58 AM
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maybe in a strange way this will be that final push YOU need to move you and your daughter to a better safer sober place. he can deal with his mom and her problems if HE chooses, but you sure don't have to!! best of luck to you!
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Old 03-18-2013, 03:17 PM
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Do you have some place for you and your daughter to stay if things get ugly when she is here?

Hugs.
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Old 03-19-2013, 11:00 AM
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I do have a few places to go if I need to and I have a bag of extra stuff for me and my daughter in my car. He just told me she will be here tomorrow. I said oh well does your boss know you wont be there. He said no he has to work, when i told him that was the rule he said $%*# your rules and said he will just have her stay at a hotel. He wont, he is being dramatic and I will be stuck with her. He cant even respect one single thing I ask for.

I am on the defensive, i feel like telling him I am done and leaving. This kinda does feel like my final push, I dont know why but this is really upsetting me. I feel like my feelings and thoughts mean nothing to him. I am just his servant, someone for him to empty his burdens onto. To top it off when I mentioned buying her a ticket for monday he just strugged and said i dunno. I hope he doesnt think this is going to turn into a permenant. I feel sick and angry.
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Old 03-19-2013, 11:11 AM
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He wants his mom there. He doesn't care that you don't. That's what his ACTIONS say. His words don't mean anything. You have every right to feel sick and angry. It's upsetting to you because he isn't listening and he is showing you he does not care how you feel.

He is getting his way by degrees. Taking baby steps towards your boundary and you are stepping back in baby steps to accommodate him. Your "rules" don't mean anything to him.

You say you feel like telling him you are done and you are leaving. Are you done?
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Old 03-19-2013, 11:30 AM
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Taking back what is mine!
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Thank you, sparkle. I couldnt quite put it in words but yea, i feel like my toes are being ever so lightly stepped on and it is going to led to my "rule" being completely ignored. I am done, i havent felt this betrayed and angry in a while. Complete and utter lack of respect. I told him its his mom, his problem. He saud I was cold. Yep I kinda am, i cant help it. This pushes me to places so uncomfortable that I cant ignore it. He acts as if she is a normal person just coming to visit but she isnt, she might be to.him.cause he is similar but to me they are the furtherst thing from "normal". I am still in a slight panic, I am pacing completely clueless as to my next step or if I should even take one. Should I just sit back and see what unfolds or stop it before it does? No one knows of course, my mind is just trying to piece it all together.
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Old 03-19-2013, 11:49 AM
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I wish I could tell you what to do next and be able to guarantee it is the right thing. As you work through your decision, just try to keep focused on what you know is true, and less on how you feel it. Feelings aren't facts, and you are just getting a handle on the facts. It's easier to let feelings make the decisions, but we often find ourselves right back where we started when we do.
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Old 03-19-2013, 01:19 PM
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Taking back what is mine!
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I am going to try my best to remember my feelings are just that, feelings. I managed to calm myself some but I am still pretty mad. For now, I am going to let things play out a bit. I am ready to split if I need to, I have some things lined up. I cant know for sure what will happen but this is it, if my boundaries are pushed I am fully prepared to call it quits and walk away. This may very well be my best chance to get out, maybe her being there is just the buffer I need with him. I dunno, it sucks.
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Old 03-19-2013, 01:21 PM
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It does suck. I'm really sorry you're going through this. But you sound stronger than you have in the past, and that is a good thing.
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Old 03-19-2013, 02:08 PM
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Thank you guys, I will keep you posted. She will be here at 7:30 in the morning. I will be gone most of the morning to deal with a car accident I had a few days ago so its his problem.
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Old 03-19-2013, 02:14 PM
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Keep strong!

Hand sanitizer. I've been in health care since 1978 and that's the first time I've ever heard of it. I googled it and found an article call "Hand sanitizer: The new teen vodka". Amazing and scary at the same time.
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Old 03-19-2013, 02:42 PM
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You will probably not like what I am about to say, so take what you can use and leave the rest.

If I were in your position, right now, I would put more of the things I and my daughter will need in the trunk of my car and when she arrives I would leave with my daughter.

Why?

NOT to prove a point.

BUT to PROTECT MY DAUGHTER. She is already being influenced (yes they are little sponges) by one practicing alcoholic, now her grandmother? NOT in my book.

I say the HELL with 'your rules.' PROTECT your daughter.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-19-2013, 03:39 PM
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Trust your gut!

Your gut is telling you to stay away from his mother. Trust your gut.

I'm sorry that your feelings are being minimized. This is your home too. You have rights.

I agree with Laurie. Be prepared to evacuate immediately. Be prepared to stay away for an extended period of time.

He wants his mom there, and he is willing to do anything to have her there. By exiting the scene, you are allowing him to spend as much time with his mom as he wants.

If you stay and things go bad, you may be blamed for not having control of the situation.

I say "Not my Monkey, Not my Circus"
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Old 03-21-2013, 06:23 AM
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Taking back what is mine!
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Geez, longest 24 hours of my life. She is talking like she has moved here, I made it clear to abf last night that she is to be out of my house by monday. He has already gotten annoyes with her too but he gets to go to work and leave me here to deal with it. He did agree that thisisnt fair to me but he shows no actions as to making it more fair to me so once again they are just empty meaningless words.

She kept going to the bathroom all day yesterday and came out smelling odd, like a hospital or something. I couldnt quite place it but knew she was up to something cause she was all sorts of out there, slurring, not making sense, etc. I figured it out finally when I went to brush my teeth ans there was no mouthwash left. It was about half full yesterday morning before she got here. I told abf, he didnt really say much or act as if it was a big deal but it is. I am not having someone in my house like this. I am so uncomfortable it is unreal, I am on the verge of panic attacks, i feel like I need to go run 10 miles. Im not sure I can do this until monday. I am tempted to tell abf she goes or I do. I lost the last little bit of sanity I had in my home, I am still very angry.
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Old 03-21-2013, 06:52 AM
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I wouldn't blame you for making the "she goes or I do" statement -- but only if you actually mean it and are prepared to go. He's shown no initiative whatsoever for actually doing anything about this situation, so if you really can't live with it, you might have to leave.
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Old 03-21-2013, 07:31 AM
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Taking back what is mine!
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Thats the bad part, this is my dads house. Abf pays no bills here. I am perpared to leave but it will only be for a short time. If he wants more time wuth her he can get her a motel room or they can move in together. The dysfuntion is driving me crazy. Even worse, he has barely spent anytime with her because he has been at work most of yhe time and when he was here last night he was on his game the whole time, she passed out on the couch and i had to go to bed at 10 pm because I had no where to sit and relax. My home has been taken over. I dont like it, its making me physically ill.
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Old 03-21-2013, 08:22 AM
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This is what I would do. Put her in the car, tell her you are going to visit your ABF, her son, at his work. Drop her off, and drive home, where you change the locks. Put all their stuff outside.

This is YOUR house, these people are making you a prisoner in YOUR house.
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