smf30

This might turn into more of a *VENT* or *RANT* than a post for advice. Crappy weekend. I'm such an idiot. Anyway........

Yesterday, AH worked at his brother's house with his "friend" who has suddenly come back into his life who he use to use with. He was his drug buddy. I told him I do not like that he is associating with him again but he has to make his own decisions. So they worked together at AH's brother's house (which is in the process of being built - AH does construction), came home and gave me a kiss and smelled like beer and was chomping on a breath mint. Said it was only 1. Yeah, right. But he did not appear drunk.

Then, he got a call from his friend and was invited over to their house. Like I said, he did not appear drunk at all - not even buzzed. I told him I would rather him stay home with me and the kids because I could use the help (had been home w/kids all day and am also a stay-at-home mom), but he said he was just going over there for an hour. Also said he would take our daughter so she could play with their kids. Said he would not drink and was going to buy a 6 pack of Odouls.

Can you see where this is leading? He drank - did not get Odouls. Was gone almost 4 hours. His friend's wife offered to drive him home but he refused. She called me to say "we're worried about him, call us when he gets home so we know he made it home safely". WTF?!!!!!! NOT AGAIN!!!! I don't want to be this person - the wife at home who's AH is out drinking and driving - with our daughter! Getting phone calls from our friends who are checking to make sure he gets home okay!! I AM SUCH AN IDIOT!!!! I am also mad at myself for letting him bring out daughter!!!!! What the hell was I thinking? How do you ever trust? I try to give him the benefit of the doubt and look what happens. Thank God they made it home safely or I don't think I could ever live with myself again. Until he proves himself, no bringing our children anywhere by himself where there will be alcohol.

He swears he only had 2. It is never 2. He was there almost 4 hours. Maybe he had 2 within the first 1/2 hour. I just can't believe he would do this again and he had our daughter with him. I told him not to drink since she was with him but he did anyway.

What now? I feel like I am just taking a beating left and right. Last month he cheated on me and I'm finally coming to terms with that and now the drinking is starting up again! PLUS, he is on vicodin for his back and shoulder injuries and not suppose to be mixing them. And he's also an addict and shouldn't even be taking those to begin with. He won't go back to his meetings because he says they are boring.

He just doesn't get it. I don't think he ever will. I don't trust him to make the right decisions and he resents it. We have our first session of marriage counseling on Saturday. I keep remembering what one attorney said to me at a consult (when I was considering divorce) "do you want to spend the rest of your life worrying about his problems?". Part of me thinks, marriage is difficult and takes work - work on it. But is HE doing his part? I don't think so. I don't think he will ever get it.

kodfishy

Ah, man! That sucks! I'm so sorry, hon.
I'm sorry I can't be a bestower of Al-anon wisdom, but I am really feeling for you right now.

My AH called last night to insist that he must have overnight visits with our 13-month-old. I told him (among the many things I said that were actually calm and compassionate) that he had drunk in the past while caring for her alone, and that worries the crap out of me. I would die of grief if something happened to her because of his irresponsibility while drinking.

I don't know what to tell you, except that I'm praying for you to find some good in this situation.

I hope your marriage counselor is well-versed in substance abuse issues.

smf30

Thanks Kodfishy for your reply. It helps just knowing someone can relate.

journeygal

Hi Stace,

I agree w/Kodfishy - if the counselor isn't used to dealing with substance abuse issues, marriage counseling may not help in this case. As long as your husband keeps drinking, his addiction issues will keep you from being able to resolve any marriage problems.

You are not an idiot for wanting to trust him. Now you know that he shouldn't drive the kids anywhere, regardless of what he says. We all live and learn - that's what setting boundaries is all about. Thank God he made it home safely.

Hugs,
JG

Crazy Mary

I have been there too (AH addicted to pills, and had an affair)... Mine has been home from rehab for 5 weeks and things are much better. Doing great with recovery, but I am still having a very hard time with the trust issue. I am just too scared to trust him, even though everything he has done since February has been really great. I know he is trying really hard to work on this, and I hate that I am still holding myself back a little bit, but what else can I do??? Take care of yourself and thank God they made it home ok. I will pray for you.

smf30

I'm going to call the counselor today and find out what her experience is with alcohol/drug addiction. We saw a counselor back in July of last year (after I caught him doing lines in the garage) and he pretty much manipulated her too. She told him he wasn't an alcoholic but could easily become one. That was just the green light he needed to continue on his binge. Plus, she said it had everything to do with how he was raised so he was able to blame his parents like he LOVES to do. Left the session saying "Well, my parents really f*cked me up". No sweetie, it's all about choices. We all make choices. I didn't have a peachy-keen childhood either. Dad was an alcoholic and now I realize that my mom is too, but when I make mistakes in life, I don't BLAME them for how sh*tty my childhood was. Gimme a f*ckin' break. (sorry, just venting!)

Oh - also - this morning I noticed his bottle of Vicodin is almost GONE! Just got it filled on the 15th. I asked him why it was so empty and he didn't really have an answer, said there was a lot left. So I asked him how many he needed today, he said 2, so I put them in a baggie for them and was going to keep the bottle at home so I could count them up. The bottle was gone off the counter. I asked him if he took it to work and he was like "Yeah, I didn't know you wanted me to leave it there". Then he calls me back later and said "I think my brother stole some of my pills, because I had a lot more than this left". His brother has his own prescription but sells them because he doesn't use them (nice, I know, right). But why not just SAY that when I first asked him about it. I suggested maybe his drug buddy friend of his took some when he wasn't looking (because he was working with him) and he said No. Whatever.

Something isn't adding up. He is hiding something, I can tell. The lies are already beginning. Geez, I just start to believe that he is no longer cheating on me and NOW I have to worry about his drinking/drug use. It's always something!

Everyone talks about boundaries. But everyone also says you need to let them make their own decisions and live their own life. ????? I don't get it. If my boundaries are: 1) No drinking and 2) no associating with known drug users; how is that allowing him to make his own decision? I just feel like I am the one expected to change and "accept" all this sh*t about his addiction, etc., yet he just gets to be his own person and live his life how he wants to??? And go to Al-anon to learn how to live with him and his addiction/disease. Why can't THEY learn how to live with US and play by the rules?!!!! I don't know if I am making any sense - I just feel so freakin' conflicted and lost. I'm sorry for the rant, I am just so aggravated and irritated by the whole situation - and the realization that this is how the rest of my life with this man is going to be like.

findingmyslf

Am also in the same boat. The cheating in November which is no longer and the drinking continues as he can decide if he has a problem or not. I have learned thru this just to worry about me. He makes his own choices. I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. Hope this helps a little.

smf30

Thanks. I just feel like they have it so easy. It's all about THEM. Drives me insane. I just feel like I am losing my mind today.

kodfishy

Jeez, your post is making me pissed off. I'm not feeling very serene today.

Do check with the counselor - when we went to MC, I told the counselor that I thought he had a drinking problem, and she never followed up on that. Oh, and if your AH isn't ready to do the serious work of marriage counseling, he will blow it off, manipulate his way out of it, and you will spend tons of money with no results (just ask my bank account). You may want to find a substance abuse counselor who works with couples. JMHO.

Your boundaries are about you! It sounds like you have a clear idea of what you're not willing to stand for. Now, what will be your action if your boundaries are violated? What are the consequences for you? Does your AH know what you plan to do in response?

On a completely non-al-anon note, do you want me to break his kneecaps?

Crazy Mary

I want to help- with the "breaking of kneecaps". It would help me with some repressed aggresion...

smf30

Kodfishy - Awww, I'm sorry you're getting pissed reading my posts. It's just a super rough day for me today. LOL about breaking his kneecaps! Now THAT is love. I love ya' too sweetie, but unfortunately, his legs need to be intact so he can continue to work and pay the bills. And pay support when/if I decide to leave.

Ughhh. I hate bad days.

smf30

Okay, he's redeemed himself........somewhat. He just called me about an hour ago and said he is going to have someone else work his side jobs with him - that it's not worth his marriage working with druggie/friend (*we will call him George*). So I was glad to hear that. This other friend that he is going to call, we will call him Jeff, was also addicted to coke and last I heard had relapsed but was back in recovery. "Jeff" was very helpful to me when my AH was in rehab last summer, gave me info and phone #'s and literature. But now I question everything. I am so jaded - I don't like the person I have become - I feel like a freakin' detective. I question WHY he is going to work with another addict - is that the only person or is he doing it because it's another way to score coke? I don't know if I'm paranoid or what, but I'd be stupid to say the thought hasn't crossed my mind. But perhaps it will be a good thing for him especially if Jeff is still in recovery it will give him someone to relate/talk to about stuff.

We will see....only time will tell what will come of this. But at least I am more comfortable with him working with "Jeff" instead of "George" - I guess it's the lesser of 2 evils.

Crazy Mary

I am glad that made you feel better. It is really hard to trust them so don't beat yourself up for turning into a dectective. We have all done it. I still do. It is like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time... Does Jeff have a spouse? If he is in recovery you might be able to connect to his "significant other" if he has one. Someone you can relate too...

JT

smf30,

You are allowing him to steal your sanity. What are you doing for you??

Al Anon has nothing what-so-ever to do about "learning to live" with their crap. It is about figuring out who you are and what part you play. It is about finding peace with him or without him. Your time is much better spent doing the things you enjoy that you think you can't do because of what he is doing. Monitoring what he is doing is time consuming and crazy making. You know what he is doing...
he is actively using...alcohol and pills. He is also lieing which is a sure sign that he is using. Don't question the reality that is staring you in the face because he will manipulate that.

At this point it is about keeping you and your children safe, sane and financially above water.

(((Hugs))))
JT

2ndBest

I can relate to so much you are saying! My husband also swears he would never do anything to hurt our children, but has no problem putting them in the car if he has been drinking, since "he's fine" (I do not let him).

As for counseling, I hope it works for you. Every counselor we go to, he winds up storming out like a child. We went to a couple that specializes in alcoholism and works very closely with the Betty Ford Center. I really enjoyed them, we went for a couple of months. He stormed out. The last one we went to, he showed up for the last two sessions after he had been drinking, and when confronted, he stormed out and threw stuff on the floor in the waiting room. They are all idiots, so he says.

I also get severely angry at the fact that I have to do all of the changing, and he is not willing to even admit that he does anything wrong. He easily blames it all on me.

But, this is what I have to do for now, as we all do.

Good Luck, just know that there are soooo many people here in the same boat!

DefofLov

Smf30 ,

Sweetheart have you looked at this thread in retrospect yet? You are on a serious roller coaster. I believe that boundaries must be drawn for your sanity and the safety of you child. Perhaps there may be some detachment necessary? These are only suggestions. I would personally draw serious boundaries and would not let him see the child without my supervision. That is not an easy thing but willl prevent terrible accidents in the future.

Please stop blaming yourself for his actions. You seem to be in such anguish. Let go and let God. You did nothing to make him this way, he can only change/help his self. I repeat YOU DID NOTHING TO MAKE HIM THIS WAY, HE CAN ONLY CHANGE/HELP HIS SELF. You have to take better care of yourself and your baby and this means drawing tight boundaries. He has to earn your trust before you give him anymore leeway.

Again, these are just my opinions. I hope I have been of some assistance. Breath and do not be afraid to take necessary actions to take care of your sanity and your child.

Good Luck and God Bless ,

~Def

McKrazy

sending a bit of peace your way....... there, do you feel it? It sounds like you need some. I'm so sorry for what you are living with right now, it sounds insane. I think, for me, it helps to draw my bottom line, just the things I can't/wont live with. The boundary issues involving kids, my safety against verbal/mental abuse, and then move on from there. I like definition in my life, but knowing I can't control his behaviour, helps me target what I can control.... how it affects my life. I've pretty much built a life that doesn't have to include him, but it can when he's available and sober and chooses to "be there". It helps to know when I commit, that I need to know it may be "just me and the kids", and I'm ultimately responsible. I feel less angry and manipulated and abandoned. I have very few expectations, and the ones I have I can count on: bills are paid, no one is in danger (besides A when he drinks and drives -BY HIMSELF). I can't control anything, and that used to keep me on that d*** rollercoaster, (some days I still go for rides!) but I can still watch it going and turn and look the other way..... hey look at the merry go round, how serene!!!!! LOL I know this is just my solution, but I just wanted you to know that tho life may not LOOK much different, I can FEEL differently. I hope you can, too, and I will pray for you and your kids. It's tough to be a mom, eh? Love to you.

Dazimae

Hello, Just a little tid bit to help. MY AH and I went t 2 marriage counslers and each time his drinking came up and he was told he had to address his drinking before we could go any farther.. needless to say he just quit going to the counseler. He is not ready and I am trying to make him ready..... I have to learn I can not.

smf30

Well, it's been a couple days and I am doing much better! I've just been telling myself that this is HIS problem, his life and if he chooses to F it up and throw away his family, then it is not my fault. If that is what happens, it will be hard but I know I am strong and can get thru it.

I also told him that I "know" he's addicted to the vicodin - he of course blew up at me because he is taking them for a back injury and shoulder, blah blah blah. I told him I'm not going to go around counting pills, that is not my job. Why bother, I can't control what/how much he uses. If he really wants more pills, he will find a way to get them REGARDLESS of what I say or do.

So, I laid down my boundaries and he agreed to accept them. We're trying to get our finances/crap in order and sell the house and get something smaller so he can have the surgery and afford to be off work (for almost 1 year! yikes).

And thanks to this forum and all you great people, I know that regardless of what happens I will be okay. I remember a great saying his case mgr told me when he was in rehab "let go or be dragged".