flujays

Hi everyone. I'm new to SR today. I am feeling really horrible. I will explain what happened. On Saturday night we had a group of my husband's friends over for a bbq. Long story short, i had too much to drink way too fast and made a complete fool of myself. I hadn't even contemplated the thought of not drinking that night. I've known myself for quite a wile that I have problems with alcohol, but then I don't drink for a while and I forget the problems it caused me before. You see, when I drink too much too quickly, I get the most horrible, disgusting potty mouth you can think of. I mean, I was saying totally inappropriate and extremely explicit stuff in front of all the guys, not the sort of thing that should come from a lady's mouth. So I'm told anyway, I don't remember a thing about it. This is not the first time this has happened, it has happened although rarely, a couple of times before and when my husband who is absolutely furious with me, tells me about it, I can't believe that those things actually came out of me. It's like another person and so hard to deal with the embarassment. I just want to cry all the time. I hate myself so much right now. I'm afraid, REALLY afraid and so terriby deeply humiliated. I feel so alone and so sub-human. I have 3 young children who need me and I want to be a better person, someone who's worthy of the love and devotion they shower me with everyday, they are 3, 5 and 7 and I'm scared that I won't be able to get better before my daughter (the 7 year old) is old enough to realise what's up with me. I don't want her to know, I don't want anyone to know my dirty little secret. I told my hubby at Christmas time that I thought I'm an alcoholic but he said don't be ridiculous, you just drink a little too much sometimes. I'm a binge drinker, so I won't drink all week then come friday night, my car drives itself to the bottle shop without any conscious thought from me at all it seems and then I continue Sat & Sunday nights usually too. I'm not a daily drinker, although I could see myself becoming one, I have to work hard at not drinking Monday through Thursday. Any advice or messages of hope would be so appreciated I feel like I'm living in hell and my husband isn't talking to me... he's a social drinker, can take it or leave it and doesn't believe me when I say I don't remember any of it. He says I look fairly normal and didn't seem that drunk except for the fact that what I was saying was the worst kind of gutter smut. Please help me.

Mizzuno

Hello. I feel your pain, i know your pain. I am sorry that you are going through this right now. Please remember that you are not alone. Many of us have felt shame, humiliation, embarrassment. I wanted to bury myself in a hole last week, never to surface again. With the help of SR, and a few other things I was able to face the world and start the healing process. You have come to the right place for support, compassion and a deep understanding. Hugs to you. Please be gentle with you and remember that you are human. We all make mistakes.

trachemys

You aren't sub-human. You're a human who is allergic to alcohol. If you can say no all week, you can say no on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, too. You have three perfect motivators to get you through.

And you got us.

FinallyFinished

Hey, you sound a lot like me. My kids are 4 and 7. I started like you and became a daily drinker. I got to a point where I couldn't function if I didn't start drinking at 6 pm. Otherwise I seemed pretty normal. Stay at home mom, great husband, happy kids.

Anyway, it sucked. I hated the way that I felt about myself. I was ashamed and terrified of my children knowing that I have s problem.

Anyway, three months ago I decided that I was done. The only way that I can be 100% certain that I won't be a drunk is not to drink again. Ever.

Think about it. Your problem is that you do dumb stuff when you drink. If you don't drink, you won't turn into that part if you that put you in this situation again.

You can do this. I'm doing it! And it's hard but completely worth it, I promise.

Xo.

Obladi

Flujays, I'm so glad that you are here with people who can relate.
Your husband doesn't want to see what you know, and that's understandable. This notion that some people can't handle booze is scary to people who don't get it. It conjures up pictures of gutters and filth and whatnot, when that's not really what it is!

It's just us regular folks, living ordinary lives, but with no tolerance whatsoever for the brew. There is a simple answer, but not an easy one - just don't drink.

It's something I'm trying to get a handle on, along with a lot of other foks who hang out here. I hope you will join us in our journey. We get it.

xo

suki44883

When I think back on some of the stupid things I said and did when I was drinking, I am truly amazed that I am even still alive! I'm serious. The risks I took and the words I said to people, including those I love, make me so ashamed.

Welcome to SR! You have found a place full of people who understand what you say and how you feel. We have all been there. We got better and you can, too. Please stick around and read the posts of others and post whenever you feel you need to. We are here to support you.

flujays

Thank you for your support, I didn't expect anyone to respond so quickly. I'm so used to living in this private hell I call my life for so long, that I didn't think anyone would really care. You are right Trachemys, I have 3 perfect little people and I do feel blessed just to have them in my life. I was adopted at birth so never knew anyone with my blood. I always dreamed of the day I would have children of my own blood. Now I have them and I'm so scared of stuffing it all up. They mean the world to me and I'm scared of the possibility that they may have to fight this demon themselves one day... and it's all because of me, my actions and the genes I've passed to them. They are wonderful kids, full of life and love... in their eyes I can do no wrong. In mine, all i do is wrong. Thanks so much for posting, I can't tell you how it feels to have someone to talk to about this after all the years of silence.

Fallow

Welcome! Glad you posted.

I have done very similar things and felt extremely ashamed and humiliated. Unfortunately in my case that led me to more drinking, I had a difficult time seeing or facing the reality. It does not have to be that way for you.

Stick around here and you'll find a way to stay stopped.

Obladi

Oh, we know, flujays!

Welcome to you and keep on writing. You're good at it.

LadyinBC

You don't have to live in silence anymore. You can come here and let it all go. You will find so much support and help here.

Nattythreads

No one should have to suffer in silence. I can categorically say that anything you have said, done, are feeling etc. has been experienced by someone on here. Nobody will be remotely taken aback in the slightest.

Congrats on joining us and all strength to you.

1newcreation

Hi newbie & welcome...everyone in addiction has been thru what u're going thru & the fact that u've posted this, means u want to change u're life for the better & so down the road u leave u're kids a good legacy. I'm sure u're hubby is a good man but he doesn't react to alc the way u do so its difficult 4 him to comprehend what ure saying plus doesn't want to let u down(if he were to say how he really felt;I think). Anyway, sounds to me u have several episodes of blackouts since u don't rem the previous nites. Why don't u find a trusted friend or someone @ church u can confide in or better yet go 2 an AA mtg near u. TRUST me no1 will judge u or look @ u as if u have 3 heads coz they've all been thru that. Just sit & listen. U'll be surprised @ what u hear from 1 person to the next coz u'll identify w/ it. Buy a copy of the big book & read the 1st 164 pages. Wish u the best & thx for joining SR

flujays

I'm astonished and so deeply touched by all of your support. I can't believe that you people cared enough to respond to my post... which in all honesty was a cry for help. I am truly grateful to you all. it feels so hopeful to know that someone cares and uderstands this unique and private pain I'm going through.

Nattythreads

See that's the thing Flujays and as you hang around here, you'll find out. There's nothing unique about what you're going through!

Obladi

Yep, there's a whole lot of us that care and want to help you whilst we help ourselves. It's pretty amazing, eh? And yeah, what Natty says. YOU are unique, but the suffering? Not so much. We've all been there.

quitforme79

I can relate... I embarrassed myself many times while drinking. The awesome thing is that you can guarantee this never happens again by not drinking again. I realized I had a major problem when I stuggled to not drink during the week. Hang around here, read & post. You're not alone!

FreeFall

Flujays, nothing is lonelier than knowing you have a problem, feeling like you can't control it, and feeling you have nowhere to turn. You can be surrounded by people, but your addiction isolates you. I'm glad you found your way here, SR is literally a life saver for most of us.

We have all done and said things drunk that are completely out of character and can be horrifying. You don't ever have to be in that position again!!

flujays

Wow, thanks so much for your post. We may be kindred spirits, we have alot in common. Please tell me, how did you get started? 3 months? That almost feels/sounds like a pipe dream to me or something I could only dream of. I feel like if I could make it 2 weeks, that would be a miracle. I can't imagine not having a drink for 3 months. I feel like it's so enmeshed into my life that i don't know where to start and I'm terrified of failure and even more of the consequences that might follow. Please tell me of the practicalities, like, what does your day look like? When do you get the urge and what do you do about it? Do you ever feel like this is all too hard and really have to fight the urge to give in? Does it get any easier after a month, 2 months etc? Thanks again.

RDBplus3

Hello Flujays,
I am walking upright, SOBER, but I am living in HELL right now. I am 58 yr old, and 4 months ago I made my COMMITMENT to complete Sobriety. I drank at work 6 weeks ago. It was TERRIBLE, but I made it through it and I thought I was working a fairly committed program, but I drank AGAIN at work on Friday. WTF is wrong with me? I must have an ADDICTION, but I am walking upright and SOBER right now. I am being spit on and railed at. I have to face my Boss tomorrow morning, and I am living in pure HELL right now, but I am walking upright and sober. Thank God for the Sober Recovery Community, and my contacts at AA. You are at a crossroads and you have a decision to make. Being here is the BEST place you can be. The people here are genuinely concerned and want you to be FREE. I need to hear about your journey from here, so I can believe I can make it too. Please keep coming back and sharing.

Dee74

hey flujays - I recommend you join our March support thread
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-4-a-7.html

How do you stay sober?

you do it the same way you live your life, a day at a time - if you feel worried or stressed or weak, there's always someone here to talk to you and help you work out what to do next.

There's two things I always stress - one is finding support - the other is making changes - if you like me, your life centred around drinking - if it does, you'll need to make some changes there.

Change is possible tho

I was an all day everyday drinker - I had been for 5 years, heavy drinker for 20, drug taker for nearly 30.

My addiction nearly killed me.

I'm closing in fast on 6 years sober.

We do recover - it really is possible

D