Need input pleeeeese

Old 03-17-2013, 06:30 PM
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Need input pleeeeese

Where to start... I grew up with an alcoholic/drug addict father. He is still a mess. I'm now married and I believe my H has a drinking problem. I don't know if he qualifies as an "alcoholic" or not, but honestly I don't really care about labels at this point. Over the years he had me convinced that it was me that had a messed up view on drinking because of my father, and that I was just trying to create problems that weren't really there. He says his drinking is normal, people can have a beer at lunch or a couple of beers after work and that doesn't make him a problem drinker.

He works a lot and has meetings, usually at restaurants and I know they have these meetings over drinks sometimes (or maybe all the time, I don't know because I'm not there). I've caught him trying to hide a bottle of liquor in the garage (blames me because he says I freak out over nothing so he feels like he had to hide it), I've found wine bottles under the seat in his truck -which he says was his friends, and his friend agreed so whatever.

I've gone so far as to make a calendar and mark every day that I know he was drinking so as to show him that he is drinking often, since he always says he doesn't drink that often. I've given ultimatums - the most recent was that he has to stop drinking during the week, and can only drink on the weekend...BUT that doesn't work because really, how will I know if he drinks at lunch?? I'll never know.

Last night I had to go with a cop to drive him back home because he was pulled over after they received a call that a guy was swerving and seemingly intoxicated (after a day of drinking for St Pattys day with the guys - and in his defense, he never goes out with the guys so this is a rare occurence)... SO today after reading these posts and chatting on here, I decided that I have to change what I accept and stop trying to argue over little details and overanalyze and blah blah. I told him that I have decided not to accept him drinking at all anymore. I said I choose not to live with someone who drinks and he either stays completely sober, or I will choose to leave and have a different life.

He immediately gets defensive and says "So you will LEAVE me if I don't stop drinking completely?!?!" I said "yes" He started saying that he has changed EVERYTHING about himself for me, he's changed all the things I've ever asked him to change except stop drinking, and that I haven't changed a single thing that I said I would. (he has asked me to be more loving and affectionate and more wife-like and warm towards him and I have not done that--- I wonder why hmm duh) and he starts to cry and say he feels like he has to change who he is completely just to make me love him. I almost start to feel guilty. Also, he said that my reaction was mean and treating him like a child, when I went to pick him up last night - he said a loving wife would have just said "Ugh, come on honey what were you thinking??" instead of "Are you stupid, how could you do something so stupid?!" which is what I said.

Now I don't really know where to go from here because I'm pretty sure he will just keep coming up with things he wants me to change, in order for him to stop drinking and then when he drinks he will blame me, saying I never kept my promises so why should he. I can't be loving to someone I am disgusted with... I just can't! So what now? What if he is still drinking and I don't know about it because he is gone at work all the time (owns a company, can drink whenever if he wants and I'll never know).
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Old 03-17-2013, 07:09 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

Thank you for sharing your story. This is a wonderful place to share, read, vent and learn. Please make yourself at home.

Your husband may or may not be an alcoholic. You are correct that labeling the condition doesn't change anything. The unacceptable behavior is still unacceptable. The fact that he has a DUI and was picked up again, does indicate alcoholism is an issue. His drinking and driving can and will effect you and your child. Court costs, jail time, and insurance increases will have an impact on your household finances. Alcoholism is progressive and it will get worse if untreated.

He is exhibiting classic behavior of alcoholism: Denial, Blame-shifting, Minimizing your needs, Lies, and Manipulations.

The more you try to address this the more he will twist and turn everything you say and do. He will protect his DOC (drug of choice) at all costs.

Please stick around and learn all you can about how this is affecting you, your child and your home.

I recommend reading in the permanent posts at the top of this forum's main page. Here is a link that contains steps that really helped me when I was living with active alcoholism in my home:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Old 03-17-2013, 07:10 PM
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OK, just hold on for a minute. Stop. Breathe.

Now, think about what you just said to him. "If you drink at all I am leaving." REALLY? Are you ready to draw that line in the sand just yet? I hope so, because there is absolutely no point in making those kinds of pronouncements until and unless you are one hundred percent willing to back it up. Every time you say something like that, and nothing happens, it is nothing more than "blah, blah, blah" to them.

My own IMPRESSION is that you are NOT ready to leave him right now, and that you are giving him these ultimatums to get him to stop drinking. Ultimatums don't work. What they do is either make him angry and resentful (giving him more excuses to drink), or he will get even better at hiding it.

So if you are NOT ready to leave him the next time he takes a drink, my suggestion is that you back off the issue, spend a little more time around these forums and in Al-Anon, and learn a little bit more about boundaries and other tools that will help you to calm down and think rationally about what you really want for your life. If his drinking continues to trouble you to the point where you cannot and will not put up with it any longer, then start making plans to leave.

You will NOT be able to stop him from drinking, but you CAN make a good life for yourself.
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Old 03-17-2013, 07:34 PM
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Sorry your world is spinning my dear. I think you'll at least find that a lot of people have asked the same questions as you and been in similar situations.

I think Lexi is right, stop and breath.

Focus on you for just a minute. Meditate on what your needs are. Think about what it will take to get them met and what you need to do to feel peace and happiness in your own life. Meditate on your boundaries and just how firm you are willing to be with them.Then...make a plan. Make some boundaries. Take actionable steps to get where you need to be.

Take the focus off of him and his issues.

I'd definitely go to an al-anon meeting soon if possible. And keep posting!
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Old 03-17-2013, 07:53 PM
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Wow, talk about co-dependant!
You really need to focus on yourself. When you ask him to stop drinking, I'm sure he feels exactly the way you feel about being affectionate towards him. Are you really expecting him to make you happy? You have to make yourself happy. If you can't be happy living with someone who drinks, then just explain that to him and make plans to leave. An alcoholic MUST quit for him or herself or it will NEVER stick.
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Old 03-17-2013, 08:11 PM
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Thanks for being honest everyone. I thought I had it figured out when I said that :/ Maybe not? I have told him since before we got married, that alcoholism and excessive drinking were deal breakers for me but I guess I am still here. I AM ready to leave if he doesn't get help (well emotionally I am ready, but not finacially) I refuse to end up like my mom who STILL lives with my addict father.

So I guess what I should do is #1 go to an al-anon meeting ASAP (I looked it up and there's one in my town on Wednesday that I'll go to) #2 decide what my boundaries are (I already know that, I wont accept anymore drinking... that's a boundary right?) #3 be prepared to leave if (WHEN) he drinks again. ?

I didn't realize I was so co-dependent, I guess I have a lot of reading and learning to do. I don't know what it's like to NOT live with an addict!! I am more lost than I thought. I am so sick of alcoholism I just want it to go away...far far away from me.
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Old 03-17-2013, 08:18 PM
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I'll be honest, I've never gotten true help before because I just wanted OUT of this whole "disease, addict, 12 steps, meetings, family day at rehab, etc" world, the whole thing. I just wanted to cut anyone off completely the moment they showed signs of addiction and be done with it, but it isn't that easy. I went to one ACoA meeting and the second I heard them doing the 12 steps I was done, because it made me feel like I was joining my dad's world, where he did the 12 steps in rehab and I wanted nothing to do with that. I then just cut him off and tried moving on. But, alas, here I am. I can't just get away that easy. So I am going to try my best to go to meetings, have an open heart and mind, and really try and get better. I hope I can. I'm so mad at my dad for doing this to me.
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Old 03-17-2013, 08:26 PM
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Originally Posted by wildhorses View Post
I'll be honest, I've never gotten true help before because I just wanted OUT of this whole "disease, addict, 12 steps, meetings, family day at rehab, etc" world, the whole thing. I just wanted to cut anyone off completely the moment they showed signs of addiction and be done with it, but it isn't that easy. I went to one ACoA meeting and the second I heard them doing the 12 steps I was done, because it made me feel like I was joining my dad's world, where he did the 12 steps in rehab and I wanted nothing to do with that. I then just cut him off and tried moving on. But, alas, here I am. I can't just get away that easy. So I am going to try my best to go to meetings, have an open heart and mind, and really try and get better. I hope I can. I'm so mad at my dad for doing this to me.
I'm right there with you. I told my STBXAH that alcoholism was a dealbreaker for me. He was sober when we met and I thought that it would be ok but things turned out a much differently and it was hard for me to enforce the boundary when the time came. I did do it eventually but it took way more then it should have.

As someone who has studied behavioral change and theories associated with it I have my gripes with any 12 step program. I'd like to think that I can just acknowledge my awful family history (alcoholism on my dads side and a bunch of other turmoil) and move on. Unfortunately sometimes it isn't so easy.

Growing up as an ACOA is really really hard and although 12 step methodology seems cheesy I think you can use what is helpful and disregard the rest. I go to meeting sporadically and read when I can't get there. Even a few meetings have been helpful.

I hope you can find something that works for you whatever it is! You're not alone at all in this!
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Old 03-17-2013, 08:29 PM
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wildhorses - I'm sorry you are going through this. I am pretty new to this site too and I at times I'm really struggling. I've found Al Anon and this site to be very helpful. I"m SLOWLY getting myself back. I go to 2-3 Al Anon meetings a week and I always feel better after a meeting. This site has provided me comfort too when I don't have a meeting or when things are a little crazy. I am too new to give advice other than this site is a blessing and there are so many people that have great experience and feedback. Just wanted to show my support and send hugs!
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Old 03-17-2013, 08:33 PM
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You've referred in your posts to "my" 3-y/o son. Is he not the child's father?

I'm asking because that is something else to consider--if he IS the child's father, then leaving him is one thing, but you will be dealing with him for the next 20 years or so. IOW, you will be dealing with the alcoholism issue for the foreseeable future.

If he ISN'T the child's father, that makes things a bit simpler. You are certainly free to leave whenever you choose to, but I think you will do best if you get some recovery for yourself.

The 12 Steps have been used in Al-Anon from the beginning. The focus, however, is on you, not on the alcoholic. I am a sober alcoholic (four and a half years) and I have been in two marriages to alcoholic men (one got sober and stayed that way, the other went back to drinking). The 12 Steps are, in my opinion, a healthy way for ANYONE to live, alcoholic, partner of alcoholic, or just a person who has ever suffered in life because of their own behavior (which means just about everyone on the planet). Don't think of it as something just for addicts or alcoholics--it can be the key to a wonderful new life where you can go out and live without the burdens of your childhood, your marriage, or any other problems.
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Old 03-17-2013, 09:00 PM
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LexieCat thanks, that actually makes it a little easier if I think of the 12 steps that way. Never thought of that. Yes he is my son's father. I guess I'm just used to saying "my son"
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Old 03-17-2013, 09:29 PM
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Originally Posted by wildhorses View Post
LexieCat thanks, that actually makes it a little easier if I think of the 12 steps that way. Never thought of that. Yes he is my son's father. I guess I'm just used to saying "my son"
Ok, then. You will have to accept the fact that you are not going to be able to simply erase alcoholism from your life. Whether you stay or go, you will be dealing with it for years and years to come. If you look around this forum, you will find dozens of people struggling to deal with alcoholics with whom their only remaining connection is a child in common. Whether you stay or go, your child will do better if he has at least ONE reliable parent in his life. So I would suggest taking some time to plan your next moves very carefully. There is no emergency that requires you to act immediately. Learn as much as you can about alcoholism, work on your own recovery.

I would suggest that you begin by working a bit on the concept of detachment. That doesn't mean giving someone the silent treatment--it is simply a way of stepping back from useless arguments and learning not to allow yourself to be so strongly affected emotionally by what your husband does. It takes some time to learn, but the rewards in terms of your own emotional well-being can be great.
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Old 03-17-2013, 10:26 PM
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Lexicat that is pretty much exactly what my mother was trying to tell me. I had a big reaction to the incident last night and got really angry, and I didn't understand why she would tell me to just ignore his behavior?! But I am very very slowly starting to sort of get it. That's probably going to be the hardest... I feel like if I don't react and I just go on like it's fine, then he will think it is ok. I think I get what you are saying though... I need to take care of MYSELF and find peace in myself, so that I can look at everything rationally and make wise decisions in this. I think.

Thanks. I think I have a good place to start now... meeting Wednesday (or if I can go tomorrow I will but need a babysitter first). Yikes I'm nervous.
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Old 03-18-2013, 12:59 AM
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Dear Wildhorses, tonight, Pelican posted a thread called: 10 WAYS TO TELL WHEN AN ALCOHOLIC OR ADDICT IS FULL OF CRAP (this was origionally posted by Cynical One).

This is essential reading for anyone who is dealing with an addict who is still using/drinking.

PLEEEASE do yourself a favor and read it. PLEEASE!!

sincerely, dandylion
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Old 03-18-2013, 04:27 AM
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Stop counting his booze, stop looking for bottles. Stop marking a calendar every day he drinks. You keep making all these "rules' - it isn't working is it? Threats don't register with an A - they don't care. It only forces a game of cat & mouse him trying to outsmart you with his drinking, and you trying to show him that he can't by proving to him that you know.

Lexie is right - you should never utter an ultimatum until you are ready to enact it.

Yes deciding you will no longer live with an active alcoholic is a boundary. Stating that you will leave the next time he drinks is a failure of that boundary because - he will probably drink today, and you have already stated that you cannot leave right now.

Shift gears a little. If your boundary is not living with an alcoholic, and you can't leave because of financial reasons, then get busy planning while he is getting busy getting drunk. What financial resources do you have? What can you do to change this situation so that IF you decide to leave that you can?

Disengage with the A, stop arguing with him about his drinking - stop trying to prove you know, stop thinking there is a logical cell floating in his head that will magically one day agree with you, stop expecting a different outcome.

Great that you are headed toward Al Anon - keep posting, keep reading, keep educating. Take care of yourself and you son first and stop worrying about AH. Once you get that concept, even while living with him,it will be a much better environment for you.
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