keepingmyjoy1

The AH and I have been separated 7 months. We are having to do a bankruptcy...oh joy...and there is a lot of paperwork and stuff that I have to go through and organize (because the papers at my house and mostly because if I had to wait for him to go through the papers it would never happen).

Since things were a mess and there was never enough money for bills, stuff just got piled up. As I was going through the piles I found a piece of paper with his handwriting on it. The paper was in with stuff from 2011. It was the login user name and password for a smutty "dating" site-the kind with very smutty photos (we're talking photos of arses and more....).

I got so mad at first. Mainly because if the shoe were on the other foot, he would have blown a complete gasket if I were the one doing that. I feel so disrespected and disgusted.

It was his weekend and so picked up DS today and gave him a binder with some things that I found that were his, and I put the hand written note with the password etc in there too. As soon as he saw me, he knew something was "wrong". He asked and so I said "I am really pissed at you". When he asked why, I told him what I found and put it in the binder for him.

If I wasn't so annoyed, it would be laughable. First he says, "that was from a long time ago when we lived in ****. Remember? we did that together"?

After telling him that I have NEVER been on any website like that, dating or otherwise, so NO it was not me you did that with, then suddenly he doesn't remember anything about it. "I sure wish I knew what you were talking about!" I just wanted to lose it, but I didn't. I told him that he can look at the paper he wrote and see his hand writing and maybe it would jog his memory.

I just feel really icky right now. How gross. I just keep being reminded that he is NOTHING that I thought he was.

dandylion

Dear keeping my joy, try to look at it like this: This is just validation of why you are no longer with him. Be thankful for this. If you ever doubt yourself--pull this charming little fact out of your memory.

sincerely, dandylion

keepingmyjoy1

Thank you dandylion. A good reminder and I am trying to look at that way, and I do get other reminders too that validate that very thing. As I think about it, I think I am just more mad at myself for burying my head in the sand for so long. Sometimes I just feel like a complete idiot, even though I would not consider myself to actually BE an idiot most of the time!

dandylion

keepingmyjoy, I think most of us have felt the same way as we look back on behaviors that we tolerated or turned a "blindeye" to. I know I have.

I think the fact that these things look so different to us, now, is proof that we have made significant changes in our thinking.

Yea for us!!

iamthird

I am 9 months separated from AH and go through similar things. Look at it like if you guys were still living together, you may still be living in lies and duress. I try to think of things that way.

Certain days I dwell on who he really was, what was the reality, was he lying on a day that I thought things were perfect, etc?? You just have to remember it doesnt matter anymore. Allow yourself to be angry, annoyed or whatever and then just move forward.

You are normal. That reaction is normal. Be gentle with yourself. Before you know it, you wont care anymore!