EverHopeful721

I know that many people say addicts can't really love others because they don't even love themselves...and I'm having trouble wrapping my head around this concept. After all, I'm not an addict, I have a lot of trouble loving myself, yet I DO love other people - my family, my addict. Is it because they're numbing their feelings with the drugs, so therefore, how can they feel love? Or is it that they don't WANT to feel love or anything else, and that is why they take the drugs? Do they NEVER feel love at all??

And the other concept I'm having trouble with is believing a person's actions over their words. I guess it bothers me because whenever C told me he loved me, I absolutely believed him - he seemed like when he looked into my eyes and said it, he MEANT it. And everybody keeps telling me, yes, but his ACTIONS were saying something different. And I admit that they were. But was I so wrong to believe his WORDS? He just always seemed so sincere when he said them, and as I've said before, I thought I could TRUST him, that he would never lie to me because of knowing each other for so long and he always seemed so concerned about not hurting me or his friendship with my brothers and me. Can you not take a person at their word anymore, not trust anyone to tell the truth anymore?? Because if that's the case, then how can I ever trust ANY man who says he loves me?? I admit, I feel stupid for being so gullible and that's probably why I'm having trouble grasping these concepts....

I don't know, it's just confusing for me. If anyone could shed some light on it, I'd appreciate it.

jerect

I think in their own way an addict may love us.. But most of the time an addict will choose their drug of choice over their loved ones.. They can't help it, when addiction has its claws in you, it will cause you to lie, cheat and steal.. You can't give away what you don't have which is love and respect...

My ex used to tell me he loved me all the time but his actions spoke a different tune.. If he had loved me he would not have chosen drugs over me.. He would have worked on his marriage but instead he worked on his addiction.. Addiction is cunning that way.. An addict will say anything to get you to believe his lies and to feed his addiction... That's just the way it works I'm afraid

shinebright7

If they loved us they would not choose drugs over us? It's like saying if he loved me he would not have gotten cancer. Addiction/alcoholism is a disease.

The child of God can love another person. The addiction/disease can not.

EverHopeful721

Thank you, jerect and shinebright, for your feedback. Yes, I understand addiction/alcoholism is a disease, so I understand how as much as they hurt us, it's hard to blame someone who's suffering from a disease. But they DO still hurt us and it's hard to ignore that when it happens over and over again, seemingly with no reason other than they are an addict.

I think it's so hard for me to understand because I'm still grappling with understanding why C did what he did and in the WAY he did it. His latest thing was to text my brother the week after his tattoo appt got cancelled and say that this has been eating away at him and he can't stop thinking about it, that he's always looked up to my brother his whole life, why is HE being cut out and given the cold shoulder and that I must have 'seriously misinformed' my brother about what happened. Yes, so I was 'seriously misinformed' when he told me flat out the last time I was there that he still loves me and still wanted to see me. And I hadn't ASKED him if he still loved me or brought it up at all - he VOLUNTEERED that information!! And it just really hurts because it's like he either doesn't even remember that he said it or he doesn't care that he said it because it obviously must have been a lie anyway....so confusing.

EverHopeful721

And granted, when he told me he still loved me, he was ALSO asking me to leave his house and not in a very nice way. So yes, I can see where his 'I still love you' was contradicting his 'Get the f*** out of my house.' But was that the cocaine controlling him?? His behavior was just completely erratic - calling me over for sex (which I understand cocaine usually ties into an increased sex drive), then as soon as it was over, acting like a jerk and going off on me about this is who he's become, someone who wants to be alone (isolating himself, also a symptom of cocaine) and SCREAMING at me, a person he KNOWS loves him and only ever wanted to make him happy and a person he always said he NEVER wanted to hurt. And then, he goes ahead and does the TOTAL opposite of that, not only hurting me, but sh*tting on me in the process and then turning around and acting like he has NO IDEA why I would be so upset and 'misinform' my brothers about what happened and why they'd take the side of their sister over HIM!! It just STILL really blows my mind, and maybe I've just answered my own question about how his actions never matched his words.... Just wish I knew if it was the drugs controlling him and the progression of the disease as he gets worse or if it's just who he really is as a person, if he's just changed that much over the years that none of us who thought they 'knew' him have any idea who he is anymore. And I know I shouldn't care either way....but I do.

KLM

Everhopeful... I see alot of my questions in yours. My AH was telling me(while not using) that I was his once in a lifetime love, couldnt imagine his life without me, etc etc etc. Then one day later went on a $1300.00 crack binge.
Its hard to wrap my head around the whys.. and ppl here who have experience with this say.. the answer to WHY is "because they are an addict" while its hard to hear, they are correct. We will never understand why they do what they do or say what they say.
I dont have answers but I do know that the cycle must stop.. and that begins with YOU.
Hang in there... keep posting. You will get through this... its not going to be easy, but you will.

EverHopeful721

Thank you so much, KLM. You're right - it's just so hard to understand the whys and even harder to accept that the answer is simply because they are an addict. And I know you're also right that I will never understand it and really, the only thing I can do is accept that no matter what he said/did before, it is over now, by his choice, and I have to just move on from here and work on MYSELF so I stop getting drawn to and involved with men who will eventually turn around and hurt me. I can tell you, as I sit here with tears in my eyes, I'm SO TIRED of being hurt and feeling like I'm JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH and that nobody will ever love me just for ME, a good person with a huge heart who just wants to love and BE loved. I will try to hang in there and will keep posting to get it out, no matter how much it hurts. Thank you again, KLM.

Kindeyes

Words are only meaningful if there are actions to back them up. Consistently.

Love hurts. Breaking up hurts. You are grieving and sometimes.....we just don't get to understand "why" things happen. Acceptance is the key.

You have a lot of love to give. I hope that you can learn to give some of that love to you first. You deserve a partner who will love and support you and return your love. I was married to an addict. Now I'm not. I'm married to a wonderful (non-addicted) man who loves me. He says it MORE in his actions than he says it in words. He SHOWS me he loves me every single day in some way. His actions match his words....he isn't perfect but he is NEVER intentionally unkind.

You'll grieve the loss of the relationship as long as you need to......but hopefully, this relationship will give you insight into what you don't want in the next one.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

EverHopeful721

Thank you for that insight, KE. I think you've helped me to grasp what everyone has been saying. I always took it as it being one over the other, that you should never listen to their words and ONLY pay attention to their actions. But the way you've phrased it helps me to understand that it's not necessarily one over the other - it's that they should work TOGETHER. It's not really that words mean NOTHING - they DO mean something, but only when they're backed up by supportive actions. I really don't know why that concept was so hard for me to understand - I'm not an uneducated person. Well, except for in matters of the heart - then all of my common sense seems to go flying out the window!! I am still very much grieving and as much as I wish the pain would just go away and the tears would stop, I know they won't just magically disappear. I have to work through them and I just have to give myself TIME (ugh, and that sentence makes me remember how C told me that's what HE needed, that he was just confused and needed time to get his head on straight before he could pursue any kind of committed relationship - I just feel that everywhere I turn, SOMETHING reminds me of him and it kills me...) But it's only been two weeks. Let's see how I'm doing in two MONTHS - I hope I find, as Zoso did, that I'm actually grateful to C for letting me go so I could reclaim my life.

story74

ok, so I understand and feel your pain.

First, I 100% believe my xah loved me and my son. BUT, and this is a BIG but, he snorted a line of cocaine, and could not control his choices anymore. And boy did he make bad ones. He lost his wife, child, father, business and sister. But he kept digging. Because he just is not thinking clearly. He is gone. Right now, all he is thinking about is getting high. Blocking out the pain. Hiding from consequences. He CANNOT be trusted. His word means NOTHING. Why? because he continues to hurt and not follow thru on anything.

Can you trust someone's word? YES. My father says he is going to do it, and he does. My mother...same thing. I can request something or tell them something and consider it done. My aunt, same thing. So, there are people you can count on because you TRUST them. Because they prove through actions time and time again that you can trust their word. An addict is a different story. They are not thinking about anything, but getting high. They will lie, steal and cheat to get what they want.

I don't know your story. All I can say is don't loose hope for humanity. Just don't trust an addict. There really is a difference. And honestly, I would not have anything to do with anyone who is an addict or trying to recover, unless I had to (children, marriage). One thing I have learned is that I loved my xah (we were together 16 years), but I don't need him to live my life. Life still goes on, and there is still happiness to be had. I don't need him. But, I do love him and miss him. And, I feel sorry for my son not having a father to look up to and /or being there for him. I do miss the "family". But, I am very glad that this addict is out of our lives. Thank god.

Blessings. Hang in there. It really does get better!

dasiydoc

Addicted or not, there are always two sides to a story. Unless he is willing to talk to you about his decision, then all the why's are like trying to put the puzzle together without all the pieces.

I've been with my boyfriend a year while he was actively using cocaine. His words have not been lies, and his actions have backed up what he says in terms of our relationship. But protecting the addiction and covering it has also happened. (But that wasn't about us or our relationship at all) He has been capable of feeling a range of emotions, but he says when things became too much then he would use his drug to get relief from it. He got to the point of using small amounts everyday to flatten negative emotions, and give himself a lift. That's what his drug did for him, made it all seem better.

If you stop thinking about his addiction, and what part of it caused the end of the relationship maybe that would help. Timing is everything in relationships. Sometimes people are not ready, or dont want the same things at the same moment as the person they found. Being too self centered, not confident enough in ourselves to open up, using drugs, or drinking too much, wanting to party, play the field, or maybe angry at ourselves, or needy and we take it out on a partner who will accept that from us.

We may not mean to be taking advantage of them, but they are filling a need. And we love that about them, we don't want to let them go. Until they change and don't fill that need anymore, or we change and we now want something different, and that person represents the past. All Timing. I have several guy friends that are great, and no drugs, but they are not the best boyfriends from what I witness. They are self absorbed, and a little cocky, and if a girl can't adjust herself to meet his needs, then it doesn't last long. This is who they are right now, but likely they change as they grow. Drugs mess people up, but people are also just complex, drugs only add another layer to that.

Its only been two weeks. a heart takes time to heal.

zoso77

I think it's more accurate to say that an addict cannot be a committed romantic partner over an extended period of time. There are moments that they are capable of loving gestures or words. But as long as they're using, they can't string a bunch of those moments together.

Why is it that way? A bunch of reasons. Generally speaking, addicts are so, so self-seeking. It's always about them, about gratifying whatever need they have at any given moment. And if their eyes are always pointed inward, where do they find the time to be there for anyone else? By and large, they don't.

Be aware that it's not just marriages or relationships that fall apart due to addiction. The stories here from mothers of addicted children are heartbreaking. An addict will think nothing of stealing from their parents. Cash, jewelry, you name it.

Anyways, that's my take.

Best,
ZoSo

EverHopeful721

Thank you, story74. You're right and that's kind of what I was struggling with - like you said, there ARE people who you can take their word as gospel and my problem was that I gave C that same consideration, but without waiting to see if he actually DESERVED it. I went by what I knew of him from growing up and what everyone told me about him, that he was a genuine, honest person, a real stand-up guy, etc. But I never made him PROVE it, and that was absolutely MY mistake.

As always, I'm so sorry to hear that other people here on SR have gone through/are going through the same thing, but I'm also comforted to know that I'm not the only one. My story seems pretty insignificant in comparison to most of the other stories here, but the pain I feel is not. No matter what our situation was or how he felt about me, I loved him and still do. But it helps me more than I can say to see how many people here have been able to move forward with their lives despite loving or having loved an addict and they've come out the other side healthier and happier. Hugs to you and your son, story74.

EverHopeful721

Thank you for your honest words, dasiydoc.

I agree - it occurred to me yesterday that even if I got the chance to question him and ask him why, how would I know if he's telling the truth anyway? Or if he'd just be trying to 'smooth things over' so he can get what he really wants (my brother to finish his tattoos).

And I see your point about not thinking about his addiction and what part it played in the demise of the relationship. Someone else said something similar, that sometimes people want different things at different times and in that case, the relationship is doomed from the start. And you both make very good points. The hard part to swallow about that is that I made it clear to him from the beginning what I was looking for, and if he knew he didn't want the same thing, or as soon as he realized he either wasn't willing or able to give me what I was hoping for, then he should have ended it right then and there - MONTHS ago. Instead, he told me he loved me (and he said it first, out of the blue, with no provocation on my part - it actually completely took me by surprise because there was no reason for him to say it, other than if he really meant it) and continued to tell me he loved me, up until the last time I saw him, as well as told me I knew him better than anybody and that he wanted to continue to see me. And if it was a matter of timing, then instead of telling me two weeks ago that he had 'started seeing someone,' he would have told me "I'm ready to try now."

Unfortunately, I think the part you said about filling a need is more accurate in my situation. I filled a need for him - sex whenever and however he wanted, someone to listen to the many 'woes' of his life and boost him up and yes, even someone to love him on those rare occasions when he needed it, on those dark, lonely nights when he needed someone to look at him with love in their eyes and in their touch. And then as soon as he decided he didn't need those things anymore, or he found somebody else that he'd rather get them from, he ended it. And not in a nice way, that would allow me to keep some respect and dignity. No, by a cold text message that was the equivalent of saying, "Oh, that's right....almost forgot about you. Yeah, been putting telling you but I'm seeing someone now, someone who I'd much rather try at a relationship with, because you just didn't cut it for me." Yep, I filled a need - his selfish need and as soon as he didn't need me to fill that need anymore, it was basically f*** you.

And you're right - people are complex to begin with, let alone if you add drugs to the mix. As noanxtime said to me, his behavior can somewhat be attributed to his addiction, but it can probably also be attributed to him just being a genuine a$$hole, lol.

EverHopeful721

That's a good way of looking at it, zoso. It helps for people to reaffirm that addicts ARE capable of loving gestures/words, because otherwise you feel like maybe you're crazy, that it never happened and you just imagined it, because their later behavior is the complete opposite of what they once said/did. And yes, C was very self-seeking....as you said, always about him, his problems, his job, etc. He only ONCE ever asked how my day was, and I swear, it damn near took my breath away, because it was so unexpected and I told myself, "See?? He really DOES care!!" But he never again asked about me, my job, my life, my problems. He would just throw me little crumbs here and there, as often as he felt he needed to in order to keep me hooked and to keep stringing me along until he was done with me. And the saddest thing? I gathered all those little crumbs up as if they were GOLD. But as I said to dasiydoc above, I know my story is mild compared to other stories here - yours included! My heart goes out to everyone here, everyone who has experienced the pain of addiction from either the addict's side, the F&F side or both. And I'm so grateful to have found SR - the wonderful people here who've shared their stories of heartbreak and success have kept me going these past two weeks. I'm still having a lot of trouble processing everything and finding the strength to move on, but I know I'd be doing a lot worse if I hadn't discovered SR.

Thank you, zoso, and please continue to keep us posted - you're such an inspiration to all of us!!

dasiydoc

I think he did love and care about you, and it was genuine between you, but I don't think he was anywhere near your maturity level, or at a point to have a healthy relationship. That is why it was more one sided, and about filling up his needs. Part of it was drugs I'm sure. But what was behind the drug use? Another icky mess would be my guess. Breakups by text are the chickens way out. It's the selfish way to protect yourself. Ssshhh.... Don't tell anyone, I once quit a part time job when I was in high school by voicemail. Why? Because I was a chicken, didn't want to face my boss, explain why, or be told anything that would make me feel guilty. I learned from it however. I still remember it, and if I had handled it responsibly I probably wouldn't even think of it now. Instead, Im now stuck with the vivid memory! I never had bad karma from my experience, but if your ex doesnt change, someday he will meet his match, and his heart will be on the floor. But unlike you - he won't be able to cope. He will go get high to shut out the pain. And then he will do the same thing over again and end up going in circles. But I dont think your going to do that. I think your going to learn and grow, and use this experience to help weed out the next "wrong guy". I think just by allowing yourself to feel this pain, taking time to understand it, and get comfy with it. Being so gracious, this proves your miles ahead of him on many, many levels.

EverHopeful721

Awww, thank you so much for your kind words, dasiydoc. I do want to believe that there was something real between us so I wouldn't have to question my sanity as to whether it really happened or not. But then sometimes I wonder, would I feel better or worse knowing that he really loved me? In some ways, I would definitely feel better - we all want to be loved, right, know that we meant something to someone? But in other ways, I think it would be worse, because then it's so much harder to let go. If I knew he had loved me, maybe even somewhere deep inside still did, I would want to go confront him (which I never did - I never replied to his breakup text, wanted to so badly, but didn't think it would get me anywhere with him and didn't want to risk further humiliation), find out what happened and how we can work on it to make it better. And maybe if his behavior was, as KE said above, more consistent towards me all along, more concerned with what I wanted/needed, I would do it. But it wasn't - it was, as zoso said, much more self-serving.

I think that no matter what was between us, whatever he might have felt for me, it's either gone or he's pushed it so far down because he doesn't WANT to feel it. Sometimes people are so afraid of change, so afraid to take a chance on something new and different and (yes!) scary, that it's easier and safer to walk away. He even told me that, in the early days, before he became so different. He looked me in the face and said, "I know that if I don't take a chance with you, I could very well be walking away from the best thing that ever happened to me." Well, as I sit here now, with tears rolling down my cheeks, I guess it's plain to see that he was willing to take that risk....he's made his choice and it wasn't to be with me.

Do I want to believe that maybe he'll be haunted by this, that one day he'll look back and regret his decision to break it off and how he handled it? Well, I'd be lying if I said no. And I don't mean that in a vengeful way....I mean it in a sad, wistful way - because I know [B][U]I[B][U] will always regret it, regret that he wasn't brave enough or willing to take a real chance on us. I'll always wonder what could have been and I don't know if I'll ever fully get him out of my heart - it sure doesn't feel like it right now. But you're right - I WILL move on, as a healthier, wiser and God willing, happier person. Thank you, dasiydoc.

Wing

"And granted, when he told me he still loved me, he was ALSO asking me to leave his house and not in a very nice way. So yes, I can see where his 'I still love you' was contradicting his 'Get the f*** out of my house.'

Everhopeful721,

I experienced the same, exbf is cocaine user. We broke up an year ago and I got back with him since end of Jul. he keeps saying that he loved me but what the action tell? Whenever he's drunk or hangover, we fight and he just kicked me out no matter what time it is. Next day or days later he would apologize and meet up with me again...

2 nites ago, he was out drinking again (almost everynite in past 2 weeks). I urged him to go home. Later at home, we argued in bed and he jumped up and told me to pack and leave. He threw my things out of my handbag to look for his house key... If he loved me, why would he threw me out at 5am?! No normal man would do it?

EverHopeful721

That's just it, Wing - they're NOT 'normal' men....they are damaged, troubled men in the throes of active addiction. And from what I'm learning on SR, anyone in active addiction does not and cannot think of anyone but themselves - what THEY want, what THEY need and doing pretty much anything they have to in order to get it....lie, cheat, steal, manipulate. I was very fortunate that my XA never got physical with me - it was his coldness, his seeming lack of feelings, his emotional distance that hurt me the most. But I read on another thread what yours did to you, and I'm glad that you are away from him and safe - PLEASE stay away from him. I know it's hard, I know you love him - but he is INCAPABLE of loving you back while in active addiction and if he has already resorted to physical violence, things will only get much, much worse. You don't need to be in a relationship where physical and verbal abuse is occurring on a regular basis and the cops are getting called. He already took his key back....I know it's hard, but please look at it as a gift and stay away from him. You do not deserve to be treated like that and physically abused. ((HUGS))