Question on Loving Detachment for a Parent

Old 03-17-2013, 05:49 AM
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Question on Loving Detachment for a Parent

In January, my 24-year-old daughter returned home after 9 months spent first in a wilderness treatment program (3 months) and then in a young-adult after-care program (6 months). Her time in wilderness, in particular, was incredible. It was as if she had conquered a mountain, and she came out of there with confidence and a fierce determination to her recovery.

Since returning home, she's begun to regress in any ways. While drugs were a serious part of her story, her primary issues were depression and a very unhealthy co-dependent relationship. She's returned to the relationship, and along with it, to a lot of self-destructive choices and behaviors that are really hard to watch, including intermittent drug use. It's like watching a movie in reverse.

I've had to put up boundaries to take care of myself. But here's my question: I feel like telling her I don't want to know what's going on her life. I don't want any information, any details. I almost want nothing to do with her now, since every time there's an interaction, I'm seeing more evidence of self-destruction and unhealthy choices she justifies in any number of ways.

That year she was away, I put so much energy, time, travel and money into her recovery. Now I feel betrayed. And I feel I just don't have more to give.

If she's ever in danger or needs medical attention, absolutely, call me. Instantly. I'll be there.

But other than that, I feel like I don't even to be around her. Or speak with her.

Is this loving detachment? Or am I drawing too hard a line?
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Old 03-17-2013, 06:58 AM
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I can only share what loving detachment looks like for me, not necessarily what it should look like for anyone else.

Loving Detachment for me is employing tools of my recovery to prevent me from getting inappropriately involved with my son's life. It is having firm boundaries that are there to protect me, my recovery, and my sanctuary (my home). It is also respecting his boundaries.

One of the most important tools for me is to refrain from commenting about his life or engaging in "motherly" behaviors of trying to correct his thinking and actions. I've learned to use words like "I see" or "ok" and leave it at that. He's a man and I try to respect that he can make choices and I don't have to agree with those choices.....I also don't have to comment on them.

It would be very hard for me to live with my son even in recovery. And it is simply impossible for me to live with my son in active addiction. That is a boundary for me. And it is indelible.....it is not a line in the sand that can be brushed away and moved.

Loving detachment for me is simply not getting inappropriately engaged or enmeshed in another person's life. Any other person.....not just my son. It is being able to love them but allowing them to be an individual. I can choose to be around that individual or not depending upon how their actions, behaviors, and beliefs affect me. It doesn't mean that I don't love them, it simply means that I am taking care of my own emotional, psychological, physical, and spiritual needs first. Not in a selfish way....but in a healthy self caring way.

That is what healthy detachment looks like for me. What would you like it to look like for you?

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ke
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Old 03-17-2013, 07:04 AM
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Welcome to SR, Firstlight.

My son is the addicted loved one in my life, so I know your pain.

The line you draw has to be the line that is right for you. For some of us it is no contact, although that is harder with a child. For others, we may meet our children for lunch or brief get togethers (whether they are using or not) and not get drawn into the drama.

My son is lost in his addiction somewhere, we know not where. But my line is drawn that he can contact us if he is clean and working a program of recovery and preferably has been clean for some time as he has been in and out of that revolving door for many years.

The thing is we cannot control their choices, no matter how bad they may be. But we can control how much we let their choices affect us. That's what recovery teaches us, how to find peace no matter what our loved one's choices may be.

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Old 03-17-2013, 10:41 AM
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Thank you Kindeyes and Ann. I have realized I can't fix her. Her choices are her own. And that I have choices as well. It's been a roller-coaster for some time, and we helped get her off for a period of time, but now she's back on, and I have decided I don't have to ride with her.

I know what I have to do...my gut is telling me. But what's difficult is facing the residual feelings of loss and sadness that go along with that decision. I miss her. It just hurts so much to acknowledge that I can't have the relationship with her I'd like, that her siblings can't either, and we have to let go. It's an ache that pierces me and even if I make the choices I know now are right, the feelings still remain.
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Old 03-17-2013, 11:11 AM
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Oh first light...I can totally relate to your anguish....it is so hard stepping forward and removing ourselves from the madness. My son was clean for 9 months...we supported him emotionally....helped put some things in place for him to be successful and I know these feelings of anger and disappointment when he relapsed. I removed myself from the situation at that point. He could have chosen to learn from the relapse, recommit to his recovery but he told me he had no interest in being clean. He reaches out from time to time but I keep my message the same. I will not talk about your addiction or involve myself in your chaos. When you are ready for change let me know. I used to allow my brain to work overtime, slept very little, allowed his addiction to completely absorb my serenity. Not so any more....when I feel weak I come here and regain some strength and clarity. I attend al-anon and read whatever I can find on letting go, co dependency etc. This site has given me such support...as I hope it does you as well. It sounds as if your daughter had some really great opportunities for growth and self improvement. I hope she can once again rebuild her life incorporating those wonderful experiences and messages into her recovery.
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Old 03-17-2013, 01:55 PM
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First off I'd like to thank FirstLight for this thread. Then I'd like to thank every single person who responded.

Being a codependent parent is the most confusing thing in the world. Don't want to be too tough, and push them over the edge, yet can't keep trying to live their lives for them either.

Your daughter is an adult woman. You are clearly a loving mother who has done, and would do anything for her. Its time to pull back, get some reading materials on codependency, and create boundaries that you can live with and not waffle on when things get tough.

I met a great gal on this site a few years ago, who was an active addict for years and managed to get clean and is now helping others get clean. My 18 year old daughter went to rehab in December, and the day she came home, I asked my friend what I could do to make my daughter comfortable, keep her safe, etc. I was thinking she would say things like "Be gentle with her" or "encourage her daily" or something along those lines.
She said "Create boundaries and go to Al Anon" Not what I expected, but the more I read and learn, its the only way.

Good luck in finding that balance that works for you! xoxo
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Old 03-17-2013, 02:59 PM
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First Light. I am on SR because my 23 year old son struggles with addiction.

I wanted to say that as you find a way to detach for yourself I would suggest that you look at the recovery support you provided for your daughter more positively. You provided her with the opportunity to learn how to be sober and how to support her own sobriety. You saw positive results and her ability to develop confidence. Those are tools she now has at her disposal should she make different choices in the future. You did not waste anything by helping her; now you can relax because she knows what she needs to do if she decides.

Now you can spend your money, time and travel supporting yourself as you find your balance.
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Old 03-17-2013, 05:38 PM
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My struggle isn't with knowing what I have to do. I've read Melody Beattie back to front and front to back. I've been in my own therapy. I think my biggest challenge now is a depth of grief that feels so huge. I've been crying off and on all day, knowing I've lost her, at least for now.

Last night she came to a birthday dinner for one of her older brothers. She showed up with a big gash on her chin and chipped teeth -- she had been climbing a tree while high and fell out of it. It was shocking to see; it was a pretty serious injury that anyone would recognize needed a number of stitches and immediate attention. But apparently she and whoever she was with was too disconnected from events to do anything about it. Or too fearful to go to the hospital.

Seeing her like that put me over the edge. It could have been much worse. This time she's going to have a nasty scar. Next time, who knows.

cangel2 - you're right. I hold on to the the fact she acquired some important knowledge during her treatment, and hopefully at some point, she'll be able to retrieve it.

But for now, I think it's the utter sense of helplessness that is so difficult. And loss and grief. It feels so painful. And I just have to get through it.
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Old 03-17-2013, 05:42 PM
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I'm so very sorry that you are going through this. I can feel the pain in your words, and can identify with all your feelings.
Keep talking, keep reading, and know we are here to listen.
xoxo
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Old 03-17-2013, 06:35 PM
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FirstLight, I'm sorry you are in such pain..No parent should have to face such challenges, but sadly that is why so many of us are here. I think the grieving process is no less painful when a child is lost in addiction. I found the only way to get beyond that incredible pain was to walk through it. I had to do so slowly, in my own time and way; and there were times were I felt stuck...but little by little, I found more peace and acceptance.

I felt very invested physically, financially and emotionally in my daughter's recovery as well and understand that feeling of betrayal. It was only when I shifted the focus to invest the same energy and commitment to my own recovery that I could accept that relapse wasn't done to me; it wasn't personal.

Sometimes the greatest love we can show our children is to let them find their own way. That doesn't make it less painful, but it is a good step towards our own healing.
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Old 03-17-2013, 07:51 PM
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FirstLight, there were many times each day when I looked myself in the mirror and said "you're powerless." I'd cry so hard! It felt like that's all I did for a while. I was mourning the loss of my daughter though she was still alive. To this day, I'm positive it was the healthiest thing I could have done for me.

I have my daughter back -- just for today -- but she's a different and better person than she was before. I don't know what tomorrow brings but today has been another miracle, a beautiful gift.

You and your family will be in my prayers, that you all get to experience another miracle
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Old 03-18-2013, 03:23 PM
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((First Light)) My 24 yr old is an addict. For me, detachment felt like self-preservation. I had reached the end of my rope and could not be around her even though I did not know if she'd survive on her own. That was a few years ago and while she is still in active addiction,-today, she is alive, in contact, and respectful of my boundaries. For today, things are better for me than they were a few years ago. At that time, I don't know if I would have predicted that my life would look like this today. So I guess I have learned not to be too invested in what I think my future relationship with my daughter will be like, or what her future will look like because I don't really know what the future holds.
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Old 03-18-2013, 06:35 PM
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Thank you to all. I can see there are so many that have faced the same challenge, the same heartache and grief. It's so hard to get to this point of accepting that I am powerless to help her. We spend our lives as mothers kissing hurts and offering shoulders and advice in equal measure. Who could anticipate the day would come when nothing we did could steer them down the right path or heal the pain?

My daughter called today. She wanted my advice with with something connected to her coursework at college. On the one hand, it's nice she still wants my advice. But I just couldn't go there with her. I told her I didn't want to. She couldn't understand my reluctance, and pushed me to explain. I told her I couldn't take the time just then, but another time I would.

Then I realized, she's in therapy right now (at least she's still showing up) and the one thing I said I was willing to do was to attend a session with her and explain in a controlled therapeutic setting my boundaries, and my reasons.

We'll see what comes of that. Meanwhile, I'm staying the course. Hard. But I know necessary.

To do this, I remind myself that she is not mine, she is her own person. This is her turn on the planet, her journey around the sun. I cannot will her or control her be something else, or to be something for me.

But still, I hold on to the hope that many of you have written about. That the future is yet unwritten.
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Old 03-18-2013, 06:43 PM
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Chino: I was mourning the loss of my daughter though she was still alive.

This is exactly how I have been feeling. I think I've even described it with exactly the same words. I know it's not the same as a death, but the grief feels so powerful, the loss so enormous. It brings tears to my eyes, Chino, just to read this line from you. But there's some comfort knowing others have felt exactly the same thing.
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Old 03-18-2013, 09:10 PM
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I am so sorry for your pain. My 20 year old son is an addict in early recovery (10 months this time around). While I am not in your shoes right now, I have walked that path.

Loving detachment - for me- is a state of mind, not a path of behavior. It's about how I think- not what I do in relation to my son. Detachment, for me, is simply the opposite of being enmeshed with his life. When I am thinking about whether or not he's scheduled a doctor's appointment, is going to meetings, or is meeting with "old friends", I am enmeshed with his life - that is not detachment. When I am focusing on my own issues...that's detachment.

For me, being detached doesn't mean I won't feel pain or grief...every parent feels sorrow when their child hurts...but it does mean that the pain doesn't permeate my life every minute of every day.

Your daughter is in a very bad place, but detachment means that you don't need to be in the middle of it with her...even as you grieve.
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