I need support please to stay strong.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26
I need support please to stay strong.
Hey all - title says it all really.
Been with partner a few years - knew he'd had problems with alcohol but was working through them and wanted to stop - proved this by willingly getting 6 month implants of esperal a few times, taking disulfirum in between and having alcohol counselling - He's had relapses, where he's drank vodka/wine for few weeks then needed to detox, I've saved his life twice because of withdrawal fits and vomitting in his sleep due huge doses of intravenous benzo's (yes Dr's here will do this at home without a second thought, shocking!!!)
Anyway he's recently relapsed again- drinking for a few days - stopping for a few days etc... but he's been more and more nasty....oh don't get me wrong I've heard most of his pissed poisonous spiel many times before and usually ignore it except this time he's using a subject he knows (when drunk or sober) that will hurt - bit of background ......
- We have a shite sex life but he uses porn (really have no problem with it in general but not when it's used as a replacement to actual sex) I honestly feel he has an addiction to this too, and it's made me feel worthless, unattractive, disgusting, etc.... I get no physical or emotional bonding needs met by him..... so a few nights ago he engineered an argument which basically made it clear to me that I can never be naked in front of him again never mind have sex with him again, it's things that have been said many times before but I know inside there's no going back from this (I've had kids from a prev relationship and my tummy is a mess, he knew this from the start though) - he said 'you know I was drunk blah blah why do you listen to me' - the usual ******** but I honestly don't think alcohol makes you tell lies like that, there can be some truth in what a pissed person says, right? so now I believe his words.
I have a huge problem in that I'm in his country not my own - he thinks that I have very little chance to leave, no money. What he doesn't realise is that I've already checked flight and train prices to get me back to my home town in the UK and that my sister has already agreed to lend me the money to do it - he thinks I'm joking/lying about wanting to go. I've already had the guilt tripping about leaving him when he needs me etc.... but I've got to put myself first in this situation - I NEVER do, I always put everyone elses need before my own but it can't continue.
Doesn't matter that I love him - I can't be with him, I know that. It breaks my heart as over the last few months we've spoken about children, I thought he was ready...obviously not
but that's not my fault, he's had many chances to show me he can straighten himself out - he's proved to me what's more important AGAIN and unfortunately it's bottle shaped.
I must stay strong, I must get on the plane - I just know I'm going to go through hell before it happens.
Sorry for my huge ramble- I just had to get it out, I have no one to talk to about this in RL.
Thanks for reading x
Been with partner a few years - knew he'd had problems with alcohol but was working through them and wanted to stop - proved this by willingly getting 6 month implants of esperal a few times, taking disulfirum in between and having alcohol counselling - He's had relapses, where he's drank vodka/wine for few weeks then needed to detox, I've saved his life twice because of withdrawal fits and vomitting in his sleep due huge doses of intravenous benzo's (yes Dr's here will do this at home without a second thought, shocking!!!)
Anyway he's recently relapsed again- drinking for a few days - stopping for a few days etc... but he's been more and more nasty....oh don't get me wrong I've heard most of his pissed poisonous spiel many times before and usually ignore it except this time he's using a subject he knows (when drunk or sober) that will hurt - bit of background ......
- We have a shite sex life but he uses porn (really have no problem with it in general but not when it's used as a replacement to actual sex) I honestly feel he has an addiction to this too, and it's made me feel worthless, unattractive, disgusting, etc.... I get no physical or emotional bonding needs met by him..... so a few nights ago he engineered an argument which basically made it clear to me that I can never be naked in front of him again never mind have sex with him again, it's things that have been said many times before but I know inside there's no going back from this (I've had kids from a prev relationship and my tummy is a mess, he knew this from the start though) - he said 'you know I was drunk blah blah why do you listen to me' - the usual ******** but I honestly don't think alcohol makes you tell lies like that, there can be some truth in what a pissed person says, right? so now I believe his words.
I have a huge problem in that I'm in his country not my own - he thinks that I have very little chance to leave, no money. What he doesn't realise is that I've already checked flight and train prices to get me back to my home town in the UK and that my sister has already agreed to lend me the money to do it - he thinks I'm joking/lying about wanting to go. I've already had the guilt tripping about leaving him when he needs me etc.... but I've got to put myself first in this situation - I NEVER do, I always put everyone elses need before my own but it can't continue.
Doesn't matter that I love him - I can't be with him, I know that. It breaks my heart as over the last few months we've spoken about children, I thought he was ready...obviously not
but that's not my fault, he's had many chances to show me he can straighten himself out - he's proved to me what's more important AGAIN and unfortunately it's bottle shaped.I must stay strong, I must get on the plane - I just know I'm going to go through hell before it happens.
Sorry for my huge ramble- I just had to get it out, I have no one to talk to about this in RL.
Thanks for reading x
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: PHILADELPHIA
Posts: 46
Fedupfrog Stay strong!!! Sounds like you know that you deserve sooo much better... you should go back home to your family, the ones who truly care about you!! Let your sister help you pay for your plane ticket. Get away and don't look back...
I broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend a few weeks ago after he abused me physically and verbally. I reached out to my sister for support and at first she didn't want to be there for me. She and I had argued a few months prior over Thanksgiving because she felt my boyfriend wasn't good enough for me, and I was offended and argued with her in his defense. We stopped talking for a while. Fortunately now we have reconciled and it feels so good to have my sister back. I will never choose a man over family ever again. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, because you haven't said anything to indicate that you are at odds with your sister. But right now you have the option of going to your family, the people who love you unconditionally. Perhaps this man loves you, perhaps he doesn't. But he definitely is an alcoholic, and will continue to abuse and degrade you if you stick around... Don't stay and wait for a confirmation that that's what will happen. It will happen. Get out before it gets worse. He is clearly making you miserable. You deserve to be happy and to have peace in your life. Go get it!
I broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend a few weeks ago after he abused me physically and verbally. I reached out to my sister for support and at first she didn't want to be there for me. She and I had argued a few months prior over Thanksgiving because she felt my boyfriend wasn't good enough for me, and I was offended and argued with her in his defense. We stopped talking for a while. Fortunately now we have reconciled and it feels so good to have my sister back. I will never choose a man over family ever again. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, because you haven't said anything to indicate that you are at odds with your sister. But right now you have the option of going to your family, the people who love you unconditionally. Perhaps this man loves you, perhaps he doesn't. But he definitely is an alcoholic, and will continue to abuse and degrade you if you stick around... Don't stay and wait for a confirmation that that's what will happen. It will happen. Get out before it gets worse. He is clearly making you miserable. You deserve to be happy and to have peace in your life. Go get it!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Hi sweetie - what a tough time you are going through.
I think you have the proof now to know that a medicinal cure will not work for alcoholism. Your partner is just as much an alcoholic as he was before he started the program medically. Without changing the way the brain thinks your partner has simply been white knuckling it with the help of some meds to help with cravings.
It sounds like your SO thinks you are trapped. I am glad you are not. I didn't read anything in your post that is indicative of fulfillment in this relationship emotionally or physically. the porn addiction being just the added cherry on top.
Run like the wind. You deserve to be treated respectfully.
I think you have the proof now to know that a medicinal cure will not work for alcoholism. Your partner is just as much an alcoholic as he was before he started the program medically. Without changing the way the brain thinks your partner has simply been white knuckling it with the help of some meds to help with cravings.
It sounds like your SO thinks you are trapped. I am glad you are not. I didn't read anything in your post that is indicative of fulfillment in this relationship emotionally or physically. the porn addiction being just the added cherry on top.
Run like the wind. You deserve to be treated respectfully.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26
Thank you!
Lady - that's what I want.
Stronger - Glad you're relationship with your sister got repaired.
I've burned a lot of bridges back home and made some stupid mistakes (honestly too much to give a life story) I've honestly not got much to go back to, along with debt problems with a potential prison sentance (from when I was with my exH who screwed me over) but I've got to take the risk and go start over again while I still have, a bare minimum, of self respect left.
He does love me, I'm sure of that but not in a normal healthy relationship sense, more like a mother/friend way and this I can't accept. I've told him he'll thank me for doing this one day because it'll force him to fight this alone - I can't do it for him and it's not fair of him to expect that of me, he's not an alcoholic because of me.
Red- It's very tough both emotionally and physically, I can't think straight, feel empty and numb, can't eat nor sleep - like some kind of realisation just hit me, in a way it did, like a truck.
Agreed, medicinal cure is not the answer but he generally does well whilst on the meds, especially the esperal implant, he manages it really well and has a relatively normal calm life. Problem starts when he thinks its enough to have somehow re-trained his brain to thinking he can 'just' have a few beers like a normal person - sometimes he can but mostly it just spirals from that point. He doesn't accept that at almost 32 he can't ever drink again, I can't say I blame him for that really- I know I would find that difficult and I don't drink often anyway, but when I do I enjoy it too much to give it up forever.
Yes he thinks I'm hiding here and won't go home so he uses this to his advantage. He'll soon see I don't give a damn what may or may not be waiting for me back home, I'll manage whatever.
The porn thing and the fact he willingly, knowingly and purposely with holds any sexual relationship or emotional bonding is the driving force behind my decision to leave (coupled with his poisonous mouth about certain subjects) I've listened to, accepted and tried to support him with his previous reasons why he finds it difficult to maintain sexual relations but the reality is I'm evidently just not worth the effort it takes him (when the alternative is a quick 2 minute self service which results in the job done) and apparently I disgust him!!! (of course he says this is alc talking...BS! I've heard it too many times now on varying levels to ignore it as simply alc to blame) So if I disgust him so much he shouldn't mind me going.
I would still maybe be willing to support him with the alcohol problem if all other area's in the relationship were ok, I can't go too deep about his reasons that he became an alcoholic because obviously it's a personal subject that he trusted me with and I, at least, have enough respect for him left to honour that, but let's just say he's been to hell and back, then back to hell again, it doesn't excuse that he's still drinking but it's something he has to live with every day and no amount of anti-depressants nor counselling will take it away from him - I've tried to help with support, coping mechanisms but just doesn't seem to help any.
I do love him still and obviously care about what happens to him - I think this is why I'm all over the place at the moment- but I know I have to do this, he'll manage, he's been alone for a lot of time before he met me.
Sorry this turned into the longest reply ever
Thanks for reading x
Lady - that's what I want.
Stronger - Glad you're relationship with your sister got repaired.
I've burned a lot of bridges back home and made some stupid mistakes (honestly too much to give a life story) I've honestly not got much to go back to, along with debt problems with a potential prison sentance (from when I was with my exH who screwed me over) but I've got to take the risk and go start over again while I still have, a bare minimum, of self respect left.
He does love me, I'm sure of that but not in a normal healthy relationship sense, more like a mother/friend way and this I can't accept. I've told him he'll thank me for doing this one day because it'll force him to fight this alone - I can't do it for him and it's not fair of him to expect that of me, he's not an alcoholic because of me.
Red- It's very tough
both emotionally and physically, I can't think straight, feel empty and numb, can't eat nor sleep - like some kind of realisation just hit me, in a way it did, like a truck.Agreed, medicinal cure is not the answer but he generally does well whilst on the meds, especially the esperal implant, he manages it really well and has a relatively normal calm life. Problem starts when he thinks its enough to have somehow re-trained his brain to thinking he can 'just' have a few beers like a normal person - sometimes he can but mostly it just spirals from that point. He doesn't accept that at almost 32 he can't ever drink again, I can't say I blame him for that really- I know I would find that difficult and I don't drink often anyway, but when I do I enjoy it too much to give it up forever.
Yes he thinks I'm hiding here and won't go home so he uses this to his advantage. He'll soon see I don't give a damn what may or may not be waiting for me back home, I'll manage whatever.
The porn thing and the fact he willingly, knowingly and purposely with holds any sexual relationship or emotional bonding is the driving force behind my decision to leave (coupled with his poisonous mouth about certain subjects) I've listened to, accepted and tried to support him with his previous reasons why he finds it difficult to maintain sexual relations but the reality is I'm evidently just not worth the effort it takes him (when the alternative is a quick 2 minute self service which results in the job done) and apparently I disgust him!!! (of course he says this is alc talking...BS! I've heard it too many times now on varying levels to ignore it as simply alc to blame) So if I disgust him so much he shouldn't mind me going.
I would still maybe be willing to support him with the alcohol problem if all other area's in the relationship were ok, I can't go too deep about his reasons that he became an alcoholic because obviously it's a personal subject that he trusted me with and I, at least, have enough respect for him left to honour that, but let's just say he's been to hell and back, then back to hell again, it doesn't excuse that he's still drinking but it's something he has to live with every day and no amount of anti-depressants nor counselling will take it away from him - I've tried to help with support, coping mechanisms but just doesn't seem to help any.
I do love him still and obviously care about what happens to him - I think this is why I'm all over the place at the moment- but I know I have to do this, he'll manage, he's been alone for a lot of time before he met me.
Sorry this turned into the longest reply ever
Thanks for reading x
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Can you imagine the nightmare of being in another country TRAPPED there because of children? And that really CAN be a trap--some countries would view your taking the children out of the country as parental kidnapping and there are all kinds of legal complications with that (Hague convention, etc.).
Whatever feelings you have for this man, your staying has the potential of ruining the rest of your life. I hope you will decide to go home, get your legal problems straightened out. Trust me, whatever they may be, they pale in comparison to the risk you are taking by staying.
Whatever feelings you have for this man, your staying has the potential of ruining the rest of your life. I hope you will decide to go home, get your legal problems straightened out. Trust me, whatever they may be, they pale in comparison to the risk you are taking by staying.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Fedupfrog,
Hit the eject button immediately!
Alcoholism is for life and your A is responsible for his own recovery. You may be surprised that learn that often when we do leave they actually take responsibility and make progress on their recovery without our hovering and helicoptering.
I am an ace clean up queen and an A loves having someone they can use to clean up their messes and blame for their problems.
He is not relationship material... and what he is doing is beyond cruel! In your post there is not one good thing you told us about him or the relationship other than you want to "help him"!
He is a grown man and he needs to help himself and you need to get away and start you new life with family and friends that REALLY care about you!
Keep coming back. We care. We understand. You can do it!
Hit the eject button immediately!
Alcoholism is for life and your A is responsible for his own recovery. You may be surprised that learn that often when we do leave they actually take responsibility and make progress on their recovery without our hovering and helicoptering.
I am an ace clean up queen and an A loves having someone they can use to clean up their messes and blame for their problems.
He is not relationship material... and what he is doing is beyond cruel! In your post there is not one good thing you told us about him or the relationship other than you want to "help him"!
He is a grown man and he needs to help himself and you need to get away and start you new life with family and friends that REALLY care about you!
Keep coming back. We care. We understand. You can do it!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
I think there's nothing wrong with using medication to aide in recovery, but I think they should be used as a part of a strong, holistic recovery program - meetings, therapy, etc.
Fedupfrog - I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please take care of yourself. Sending you strength, hope & hugs.
Fedupfrog - I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please take care of yourself. Sending you strength, hope & hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26
Thank you all again for replies, it really helps.
So I've had a crap afternoon really - when he's drunk he's still speaking about us having kids or what we'll do...blah blah then of course I have to remind him there's not going to be any future for us - he's not liking it.
I've been called a ****, a money grabber he knows I'm neither but out of sheer frustration earlier I told him if I stayed with him after all that's been said between us then he'd have a right to call me that which is why I have to use every ounce of my self respect left to get the hell out (I can't just keep accepting his behaviour, his venom nor his actions or rather his lack of), of course he re-iterated his feelings from before - but you know what? It didn't hurt like before, I think I'm already detaching from him. I'm really weepy but keep going to the bathroom to let it out and wash my face, he's not getting the satisfaction of seeing me cry ever again. He's also telling me to sleep in the bed with him (I haven't for 3 nights) and has tried to cuddle me - I so want to feel his arms around me but know that I can't - I'll miss his cuddles so so much
He does sometimes make me happy, he makes me laugh so much, and he is loving in other ways, he's not all bad but sadly it's not enough and the alcohol ruins it all, he really is like Jekyl and Hyde but I've read (maybe on here) that's 'normal' from A's
I've got to be careful in what I choose to say to him - he can and possibly would kick me out and not think twice about it when he's in a rage and I can't do anything about that, I don't have anywhere to go here or know anyone really well enough to help me. In the past when I refuse to leave he'll threaten me with the police :@ he hasn't followed through...yet.
So he's currently still drinking - he should have stopped today, then said tomorrow now he doesn't know if he'll stop. I've told him I plan to leave next fri/sat so if he's still drinking then then it HIS problem to detox alone - he will have had this week to recover while I'm still here- I'm still leaving and I feel 100% fair about that - no matter what he says or tells people ('she left me when I needed her' BS) His monkey=his circus - soon not mine thank god.
Lexiecat - I've thought about this one but in fairness to him he already suggested any future (now non-existant ) children would have dual nationality from birth. Anyway he's not planning on staying in his home country much longer, he's returning to the UK where he owns property and usually lives/works - in MY HOME TOWN
That's also another issue I have - I want my stuff removed from his house when I get back ASAP- before he returns because I don't want to see him - he's being really difficult about it and won't allow me to take a key - he says if I try to enter he'll call the police (yawn) I'm thinking of getting a spare key cut here before going, put the originals back and just go and take my things, then post the key through the letterbox when I'm done. I haven't decided yet. I could just say it was mine from the UK and I forgot I had it in a bag.
Hope - meet your cleaning buddy it's demoralising isn't it? like having an overgrown pathetic baby.
Trying to stay strong is hard work, I hope he doesn't ramp up his verbal attacks on me but each time he does he's giving me more power.
If I don't manage to come back on before I leave (he keeps threatening to break laptop, he can its his anyway) I will come back to update at some point - not sure when as I'll be staying with my mum who is anti-internet and therefore has none connected.
So I've had a crap afternoon really - when he's drunk he's still speaking about us having kids or what we'll do...blah blah then of course I have to remind him there's not going to be any future for us - he's not liking it.
I've been called a ****, a money grabber
he knows I'm neither but out of sheer frustration earlier I told him if I stayed with him after all that's been said between us then he'd have a right to call me that which is why I have to use every ounce of my self respect left to get the hell out (I can't just keep accepting his behaviour, his venom nor his actions or rather his lack of), of course he re-iterated his feelings from before - but you know what? It didn't hurt like before, I think I'm already detaching from him. I'm really weepy but keep going to the bathroom to let it out and wash my face, he's not getting the satisfaction of seeing me cry ever again. He's also telling me to sleep in the bed with him (I haven't for 3 nights) and has tried to cuddle me - I so want to feel his arms around me but know that I can't - I'll miss his cuddles so so much He does sometimes make me happy, he makes me laugh so much, and he is loving in other ways, he's not all bad but sadly it's not enough and the alcohol ruins it all, he really is like Jekyl and Hyde but I've read (maybe on here) that's 'normal' from A's
I've got to be careful in what I choose to say to him - he can and possibly would kick me out and not think twice about it when he's in a rage and I can't do anything about that, I don't have anywhere to go here or know anyone really well enough to help me. In the past when I refuse to leave he'll threaten me with the police :@ he hasn't followed through...yet.
So he's currently still drinking - he should have stopped today, then said tomorrow now he doesn't know if he'll stop. I've told him I plan to leave next fri/sat so if he's still drinking then then it HIS problem to detox alone - he will have had this week to recover while I'm still here- I'm still leaving and I feel 100% fair about that - no matter what he says or tells people ('she left me when I needed her' BS) His monkey=his circus - soon not mine thank god.
Lexiecat - I've thought about this one but in fairness to him he already suggested any future (now non-existant ) children would have dual nationality from birth. Anyway he's not planning on staying in his home country much longer, he's returning to the UK where he owns property and usually lives/works - in MY HOME TOWN
That's also another issue I have - I want my stuff removed from his house when I get back ASAP- before he returns because I don't want to see him - he's being really difficult about it and won't allow me to take a key - he says if I try to enter he'll call the police (yawn) I'm thinking of getting a spare key cut here before going, put the originals back and just go and take my things, then post the key through the letterbox when I'm done. I haven't decided yet. I could just say it was mine from the UK and I forgot I had it in a bag.
Hope - meet your cleaning buddy
it's demoralising isn't it? like having an overgrown pathetic baby. Trying to stay strong is hard work, I hope he doesn't ramp up his verbal attacks on me but each time he does he's giving me more power.
If I don't manage to come back on before I leave (he keeps threatening to break laptop, he can its his anyway) I will come back to update at some point - not sure when as I'll be staying with my mum who is anti-internet and therefore has none connected.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Our laws in the US are taken from UK laws and we are usually pretty close to the same...nonetheless check with a lawyer.
Basically, if you have been living with him in one residence or several you have rights and he has to evict you... a process that takes a long period of time. In the meantime you have all rights of access and sharing the residences. He cannot kick you out... again... check with a lawyer.
Meanwhile, many times it is more peaceful to hit the eject button... eject, eject, eject!!!! as rapidly as possilble. You decide.
It helps to know what your legal rights are just so it relieves anxiety for you.
Here in the US if you have a toothbrush in the residence and neighbors confirm you were living there... that's it. It's your residence even if you name is not on the deed and it becomes a civil issue!
HOpe that helps...
Basically, if you have been living with him in one residence or several you have rights and he has to evict you... a process that takes a long period of time. In the meantime you have all rights of access and sharing the residences. He cannot kick you out... again... check with a lawyer.
Meanwhile, many times it is more peaceful to hit the eject button... eject, eject, eject!!!! as rapidly as possilble. You decide.
It helps to know what your legal rights are just so it relieves anxiety for you.
Here in the US if you have a toothbrush in the residence and neighbors confirm you were living there... that's it. It's your residence even if you name is not on the deed and it becomes a civil issue!
HOpe that helps...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26
Hopeworks - I'm not concerned about staying in his property, I never have and never will use any legal 'common law' partnership laws against him - I'm not interested. He knows this. It would cause me more anxiety to go down that path, to be honest.
I wouldn't/couldn't imagine going back to the UK and then continue to live with him :@ - it's not worth the hassle.
I have somewhere to stay until I sort myself out -find work, a flat to rent etc...
All I want are my possessions from the UK house - I personally don't think that's too much to ask, in his eyes it is he's said again that 'if' he allows me to pick up my things it has to be when he's there.......so I'm going to get the key copied today and just go as soon as I arrive home, I don't want to see him there.
Sorry for my next ramble but I kind of want something of an account to read back on when I don't feel strong.
I was woken at 4.30 this morning because he didn't want to be alone (I didn't sleep with him again) so I've been awake since and I'm shattered
He had an hour where he attempted to make me listen about how things will change but I stood firm and told him I was still going, he wanted to kiss me, cuddle me and tell me he loved me and that he knew what he was losing, apparently I'm the best gf he's ever had(I'd hate to see how he treated the worst) it's emotional torture for me and so not fair. Then when things weren't going his way...yes, you guessed it- Mr Hyde made an appearance and they venom and guilt tripping started again.
Apparently he wants to get the DR to come tonight to do a home detox - Great!!!! I'll be sat all night terrified of what's going to happen, terrified I have to call an ambulance when I don't speak the language very well - it usually lasts around 8 hours then he becomes compus mentis again. But on the plus side it's the last one I'll have to witness/do my nurse duties. He couldn't do this if I wasn't here so the fact he said it shows he's at least half listening to me when I say I'm leaving, I think.
I'm going to finish packing everything I want to take and just be ready to go at whatever point - passport is hidden, I don't know that he would do anything to it, but just in case, I've got a little local currency hidden to get me to the airport, in case he becomes awkward when I leave and I'm not even going to bother asking him to call a taxi - I'll take my cases downstairs and ask the security guy to call for me, if I have to.....trying to stay one step ahead.
I wouldn't/couldn't imagine going back to the UK and then continue to live with him :@ - it's not worth the hassle.
I have somewhere to stay until I sort myself out -find work, a flat to rent etc...
All I want are my possessions from the UK house - I personally don't think that's too much to ask, in his eyes it is he's said again that 'if' he allows me to pick up my things it has to be when he's there.......so I'm going to get the key copied today and just go as soon as I arrive home, I don't want to see him there.
Sorry for my next ramble but I kind of want something of an account to read back on when I don't feel strong.
I was woken at 4.30 this morning because he didn't want to be alone (I didn't sleep with him again) so I've been awake since and I'm shattered
He had an hour where he attempted to make me listen about how things will change but I stood firm and told him I was still going, he wanted to kiss me, cuddle me and tell me he loved me and that he knew what he was losing, apparently I'm the best gf he's ever had(I'd hate to see how he treated the worst) it's emotional torture for me and so not fair. Then when things weren't going his way...yes, you guessed it- Mr Hyde made an appearance and they venom and guilt tripping started again.
Apparently he wants to get the DR to come tonight to do a home detox - Great!!!! I'll be sat all night terrified of what's going to happen, terrified I have to call an ambulance when I don't speak the language very well - it usually lasts around 8 hours then he becomes compus mentis again. But on the plus side it's the last one I'll have to witness/do my nurse duties. He couldn't do this if I wasn't here so the fact he said it shows he's at least half listening to me when I say I'm leaving, I think.
I'm going to finish packing everything I want to take and just be ready to go at whatever point - passport is hidden, I don't know that he would do anything to it, but just in case, I've got a little local currency hidden to get me to the airport, in case he becomes awkward when I leave and I'm not even going to bother asking him to call a taxi - I'll take my cases downstairs and ask the security guy to call for me, if I have to.....trying to stay one step ahead.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: PHILADELPHIA
Posts: 46
Good luck leaving! I really hope he does not cause a scene when you try to go. If he attempts to entrap you in his place or gets violent, do not hesitate to call 911!!
I would probably do what you are doing if I had to get my belongings from another property he owns... get it in secret while he's not there. Just be sure to take only things which are yours alone so as to avoid further conflict.
We are all rooting for your safety and peace of mind!
I would probably do what you are doing if I had to get my belongings from another property he owns... get it in secret while he's not there. Just be sure to take only things which are yours alone so as to avoid further conflict.
We are all rooting for your safety and peace of mind!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26
Key copied and safely stored away - like I said ^ It's not to do anything malicious with simply to recover my belongings in peace and without any conflict, all I need is a few hours, then the key will be posted back through the letterbox - the majority of my possessions are there, here I only have a few bits really, as we didn't intend an indefinite stay.
That's what I'm planning Stronger12879, just my stuff, I'm not even going to take the expensive creams, cosmetics, bags etc.... that he or his parents have given me as presents - so not to give any chance to say I've stolen them and they were never mine, who knows if he'd actually do that, I don't think so sober but it's a possibility when drunk.
So....he called the home detox Dr earlier (I'm surprised but hope it's not for my benefit, I'm sick of telling the alc/relapsing is only a small part of my leaving) and he's coming later but not to do the IV kind, he just wants a prescription for diazepam - so lets see what sobriety brings on wednesday (he'll sleep all day/night tomorrow) I hope it's going to be easier for him to accept THIS IS happening, I'm a little worried though because he can get really aggressive on Diazepam - not physically though.
I also worry about the actual leaving/getting out of the door part - I just don't know what he'll do. I've purposely chosen a 6am flight, I have to be out of the house at 4am so I'm not hanging around longer than necessary.
Thank you for the support.....like I said I probably won't get to update for a while but at some point I WILL come back...Look this way too...if you DON'T hear from me after say, friday night then he hasn't managed to make me miss my flight and I'm back in the UK (in mum's by afternoon)
I've still got a long way to go before I leave so I'm sure I'll be back at some point
That's what I'm planning Stronger12879, just my stuff, I'm not even going to take the expensive creams, cosmetics, bags etc.... that he or his parents have given me as presents - so not to give any chance to say I've stolen them and they were never mine, who knows if he'd actually do that, I don't think so sober but it's a possibility when drunk.
So....he called the home detox Dr earlier (I'm surprised but hope it's not for my benefit, I'm sick of telling the alc/relapsing is only a small part of my leaving) and he's coming later but not to do the IV kind, he just wants a prescription for diazepam - so lets see what sobriety brings on wednesday (he'll sleep all day/night tomorrow) I hope it's going to be easier for him to accept THIS IS happening, I'm a little worried though because he can get really aggressive on Diazepam - not physically though.
I also worry about the actual leaving/getting out of the door part - I just don't know what he'll do. I've purposely chosen a 6am flight, I have to be out of the house at 4am so I'm not hanging around longer than necessary.
Thank you for the support.....like I said I probably won't get to update for a while but at some point I WILL come back...Look this way too...if you DON'T hear from me after say, friday night then he hasn't managed to make me miss my flight and I'm back in the UK (in mum's by afternoon)
I've still got a long way to go before I leave so I'm sure I'll be back at some point
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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Why tell him? I am sure you are conflicted about that but this sounds a little sketchy to me. That he might prohibit you from leaving. Good thing you don't have much there - perhaps while he is doing the diazepam routine you could pack it up? perhaps post it back to the UK so you don't have to take it with you? Leave at 4 am and call him after you are gone?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Red- It would cost me more than the flight + baggage costs to send my stuff ahead, like 3 times more -it's extortionate!
I'll have 1 large case and 1 smaller/or a holdall plus a handbag so not too much.
He won't be so reliant on the diaz by friday night so the best I can hope for is that he goes to sleep, I'll be staying awake and then I'm off at 4am, I've even hidden a spare set of keys in case he locks me in and hides the key. However I really don't think it's going to be that easy, I'll soon see what his attitude is when he sobers up- he's not the kind to beg me to stay while sober so I hope he just accepts it.
I'll have 1 large case and 1 smaller/or a holdall plus a handbag so not too much.
He won't be so reliant on the diaz by friday night
so the best I can hope for is that he goes to sleep, I'll be staying awake and then I'm off at 4am, I've even hidden a spare set of keys in case he locks me in and hides the key. However I really don't think it's going to be that easy, I'll soon see what his attitude is when he sobers up- he's not the kind to beg me to stay while sober so I hope he just accepts it.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I agree with redatlanta. I don't think there is any need to tell him you're leaving. You told him once, don't need to say it again. Just remain detached until you can leave for the airport. Don't get pulled in to a discussion about it. You never know how he may react if he realizes you're truly leaving, don't go looking for trouble.
I wish you a safe journey home.
I wish you a safe journey home.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26
Yeah but what if he gets a bigger shock early hours of saturday morning when I try and walk out of the door - I'd rather he knows it's definitely happening, if you see what I mean.
He'll wonder why I'm not going to sleep on friday night then probably stay awake himself - tbh whether he's still sober on friday is anyones guess.
He'll wonder why I'm not going to sleep on friday night then probably stay awake himself - tbh whether he's still sober on friday is anyones guess.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I suppose you know better than the rest of us but I simply cannot see what is going to be gained by you telling him. You are talking about hiding keys because he may lock you in the house. That's nuts - hell I would leave now and stay in a hotel.
Please be careful and take care of yourself - please DON"T feel you owe him to tell him or that you want to see the look on his face if you do tell him.
Recovering said it best DON"T GO LOOKING FOR TROUBLE.
Please be careful and take care of yourself - please DON"T feel you owe him to tell him or that you want to see the look on his face if you do tell him.
Recovering said it best DON"T GO LOOKING FOR TROUBLE.
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