songbird73

hi there. i am here because my babys father is an alcoholic. we lived together until a year ago when i had to ask him to move out to get sober. at that time, all he said he wanted was to get sober & get his family back. since then, altho he goes to aa & claims to be sober he has turned into a worse jeckle & hyde then when he was drinking. now i am told he never loved me & was only with me because he was drunk & he had to stay drunk to be with me. he would never be with me & has no desire to try a sober relationship with me. he has called our son a drunk mistake, has said i am crazy & delusional thinking we were working on a new healthy relationship even tho he spends most of his time here when he is not working or at meetings. overnights & family time. he claims now to not remember any of the things he has said in the past to me or my other children (from prev relat) about how all he wanted was to be their dad & love them all the same. now says he never said that. its confusing since we all know he did say those things...he stayed all thru the holidays & then out of the blue just stopped. wouldnt talk or return calls for a week or more. then back again. just in time for his yr bday...which he then blew off & didnt go to.he has blown off my sons baptism, family dinners, forgets to bring diapers & milk for our son, etc...all sober supposedly. now he is gone again. im his enemy i suppose. i have never lied or turned my back on him even thru all this garbage but i am told i am stupid & when will i get it thru my thick skull that he doesnt love me & never did or will. i read alot about the alcoholic thinking but this is just crazy. i love him alot & i feel he has been ripping my heart out in pieces slowly over this past year. am i to believe that just because he is an alcohilic that i will never get anything real out of him? that he is to damaged to ever be healed? i do not want to believe that. i am sure that others recover even tho it is probably hardest thing ever done. i have been excluded from all his aa friends & now have been shut out completely. how is this recovery & working his steps? how can his aa friends pat him on the back for a job well done when he has thrown away his whole family? oh, not whole family. he does want our son. he says he had to use me this past year so that he could be with his son. again, this is sobriety? i would almost rather have him drunk. this sober man is a mean heartless cruel man who has had no thought at all about anyones feelings but his own. i have been crushed by all of this. i love him. how is this sobriety & is this just how it all is?

avocado

to put it bluntly, he sounds like his problems extend beyond mere alcoholism to the level of some kind of major psychological issues. Not all alcoholics are going to magically become better people once they stop drinking. For some people, alcoholism or substance abuse are mere symptoms of a larger, deeper set of problems. This really sounds to be the case with him. If I were you, I'd move on from having him as a part of your life except for whatever custody/child support agreement you can work out, because he seems to be hurting you for whatever screwed up reason he has for doing so, and no one deserves that. I hope everything works out for you.

FeelingGreat

I think you are in an abusive relationship, whether he is sober or not. Think about what he has said to you;
- he had to stay drunk to be with you (real meaning - you were to blame for his drinking)
- he has no intention of working on your relationship
- he never meant anything he said about being with his children
- he is using you to be near his son
- he never has and never will love you
I'm sorry to be so blunt with you, but when you read the list above, at least you know where you stand. At least he has given you that gift. You are hurting badly now, so if you call a halt to him coming and going whenever he feels like it all the time abusing you, you will still hurt but at least you will have some self-respect. Get your friends, relatives, and any other support like AlAnon and counselling behind you, and give him something to think about as you move on to a better life.

ReadyAtLast

I think he sounds very abusive whether sober or not. He sounds plain nasty and abusive. Some people are just abusive whether because of drink or not. This is domestic abuse and you do not have to put up with it. For the sake of your health and sanity and that of all your children you are better off without him.No one deserves to be spoken to like he speaks to you. If you continue to allow him to treat you like that your sons will grow up thinking it is acceptable for men to treat women like that and your daughters will grow up thinking it is acceptable to be abused by men. There will be womens domestic abuse support services in your area who will be able to help you

Threshold

I am so very sorry you are hurting.

I echo what has been said above but want to add. This is not because of you. It's him.

The truth is that many relationships do NOT survive getting sober. Substance, one way or another, is a third party in the relationship, take it out, all the dynamics change.

Some of us addicts/alcoholics are self medicating anger, pain, resentment etc with substances, take those things away and we turn into not so nice or happy people. Hopefully we get into a recovery program and keep at it and grow and heal and mature with character. But we don't always, and certainly not automatically that, and it's a process and can take a long time to see positive improvement.

I in no way encourage you to wait and hope that he might come around. There is no way of knowing if, or when or to what degree. Take care of yourself and your children in all areas of your life. You can have a healthy relationship with someone who is an asset to all of your lives. This man appears to NOT be that person.

It is not uncommon for spouses/partners to say they preferred us drunk...sometimes we were easier to handle, some of us were easier to predict. It's a crapshoot as to whether or not a relationship will improve or dissolve when a partner gets sober.

But what getting sober DOES do is allows the person to have a better, real relationship with self and others and allows the partner to have the same.

Getting sober is always worth it, if we keep moving forward, but sometimes we don't get what we think we want.

My marriage of 25 yrs ended after I got clean/sober. Certainly not what I wanted, but heck yes, my ex is better off with someone else (he's got a girlfriend) and I have had the time, space and kick in the butt to work on my issues. My getting sober gave us both a chance at a better life.