Should I worry? Is this a big deal?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern CA
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Should I worry? Is this a big deal?
So my RAH and I switched cars this am. I just used his car and saw a note from a woman whom I'm guessing is from his AA meetings. It states "rah name, As we continue the journey ... You will be a wondrous butterfly - Helen"
I'm very uncomfortable with this note. And that he's keeping it in his car. I'm glad he's getting support I'm just not comfortable with it coming from another woman.
There is also a little terra cotta heart that sz "forgiveness". Not sure where this came from.
I posted earlier that he had admitted to me that while he was drinking he called other women to discuss our marriage problems. Of course I'm sure he never mentioned his alcoholism as a part of that.
What do I do? Do I ask him about this note? This woman? I would like to share with him how uncomfortable this makes me? And if he is truly concerned about our marriage then these actions don't support our marriage?
Please help!!
I'm very uncomfortable with this note. And that he's keeping it in his car. I'm glad he's getting support I'm just not comfortable with it coming from another woman.
There is also a little terra cotta heart that sz "forgiveness". Not sure where this came from.
I posted earlier that he had admitted to me that while he was drinking he called other women to discuss our marriage problems. Of course I'm sure he never mentioned his alcoholism as a part of that.
What do I do? Do I ask him about this note? This woman? I would like to share with him how uncomfortable this makes me? And if he is truly concerned about our marriage then these actions don't support our marriage?
Please help!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear CAgirl9, I can't tell you what to do. As for me, I would discuss it with him. I feel like if something impacts my (our) marriage---I have a right to communicate with my partner about it.
It is a good idea to use "I" statements to communicate your feelings--and try to refrain from making accusations that you can't prove. That would probably just make him defensive.
You can probably get a lot of "clues" from his reactions. I would look this initial conversation as simply a fact-finding mission. If there is anything (negative) to it, surely more will be revealed in time.
These are my thoughts. Trust your gut.
sincerely, dandylion
It is a good idea to use "I" statements to communicate your feelings--and try to refrain from making accusations that you can't prove. That would probably just make him defensive.
You can probably get a lot of "clues" from his reactions. I would look this initial conversation as simply a fact-finding mission. If there is anything (negative) to it, surely more will be revealed in time.
These are my thoughts. Trust your gut.
sincerely, dandylion
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Just come clean, the same way you want him to. Honey, I snooped. This is what I found. I'm sorry I invaded your privacy. Then let him take it from there.
Here's my thought--you can use this situation to further improve your relationship, or it can become a big fight, especially if he reacts poorly immediately. What could start off as hostile, defensive, and feeling violated, could be turned around to bring you closer together, it is all in how it is done.
That's why I suggest an apology to start off the conversation.
You could tell him that you would prefer the two of you worked on your intimacy issues more, and that the two of you relied less on others to work on marriage problems, and ask him--how can you and I discuss our marriage problems more together, and less needing to go elsewhere?
Places like this are to work on ourselves, so sharing everything here is not necessary. But marriage issues have to be worked out in the marriage, with your partner, they can't be worked out here, although you can gather insight and ideas.
I might anticipate an initial reaction of anger, and I would be prepared for that, and also prepared for how to try to change that to greater openness, honesty, and intimacy between the two of you.
If that can't be accomplished, then there's marriage counseling for just that.
I wouldn't assume that his actions didn't support your marriage. That could be untrue.
How do you know that he never mentioned his alcoholism to her? I wouldn't assume that either. I would try to not assume anything.
My experience is that playing amateur detective accomplished nothing but driving me INSANE.
It appears at first glance from reading your post that there are big trust issues. Also that there is real lack of communication. He talks to somebody else. You snoop. Neither of those is effective at bringing the two of you closer together. You need to talk to EACH OTHER.
You need open honest communication without assumptions.
Here's my thought--you can use this situation to further improve your relationship, or it can become a big fight, especially if he reacts poorly immediately. What could start off as hostile, defensive, and feeling violated, could be turned around to bring you closer together, it is all in how it is done.
That's why I suggest an apology to start off the conversation.
You could tell him that you would prefer the two of you worked on your intimacy issues more, and that the two of you relied less on others to work on marriage problems, and ask him--how can you and I discuss our marriage problems more together, and less needing to go elsewhere?
Places like this are to work on ourselves, so sharing everything here is not necessary. But marriage issues have to be worked out in the marriage, with your partner, they can't be worked out here, although you can gather insight and ideas.
I might anticipate an initial reaction of anger, and I would be prepared for that, and also prepared for how to try to change that to greater openness, honesty, and intimacy between the two of you.
If that can't be accomplished, then there's marriage counseling for just that.
I wouldn't assume that his actions didn't support your marriage. That could be untrue.
How do you know that he never mentioned his alcoholism to her? I wouldn't assume that either. I would try to not assume anything.
My experience is that playing amateur detective accomplished nothing but driving me INSANE.
It appears at first glance from reading your post that there are big trust issues. Also that there is real lack of communication. He talks to somebody else. You snoop. Neither of those is effective at bringing the two of you closer together. You need to talk to EACH OTHER.
You need open honest communication without assumptions.
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Location: NE Wisconsin USA
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I would ask him about the note and object. I wouldn't blindside him. Maybe when both of you are in the same car. As dandylion posted just a for facts.
Boundaries are certainly being crossed on his part.
It took me quite awhile to learn the difference between detachment and ignoring the unacceptable. Sometimes ignorance isn't bliss.
I think this has helped you and "us" by sharing it. Thank you.
Boundaries are certainly being crossed on his part.
It took me quite awhile to learn the difference between detachment and ignoring the unacceptable. Sometimes ignorance isn't bliss.
I think this has helped you and "us" by sharing it. Thank you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 95
I did not snoop - the note and heart terra cotta are out in the open. It would be hard to not see it!
Yes, there are trust issues. I'm deeply hurt he communicated with women - especially one I told him I was uncomfortable with and he still continued. There are other things he has done to lose my trust. I asked him to go to marriage counseling but he won't until I do x and x. It seems to me he's not at a point to take responsibility for the hurt and damage he's done. I know I have a part and I'm working on me.
He's 14 months into his recovery.
We have not been able to communicate - he still gets angry easily. He got angry with me last week when I asked if he wanted to join me to visit friends who just had a baby!!
Yes, there are trust issues. I'm deeply hurt he communicated with women - especially one I told him I was uncomfortable with and he still continued. There are other things he has done to lose my trust. I asked him to go to marriage counseling but he won't until I do x and x. It seems to me he's not at a point to take responsibility for the hurt and damage he's done. I know I have a part and I'm working on me.
He's 14 months into his recovery.
We have not been able to communicate - he still gets angry easily. He got angry with me last week when I asked if he wanted to join me to visit friends who just had a baby!!
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Join Date: May 2012
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Ok, more was revealed to me--you didn't snoop--great! Then the conversation should go easier! sorry I assumed you did. see...I make assumptions too sometimes, we all do!
I don't think it is fair to put demands on you to do x and y before marriage counseling. He can bring up x and y IN marriage counseling if he feels they are important issues.
But that's my opinion...and he no doubt would not like my opinion. How about you suggest that you get a marriage counselor and that you definitely bring up x and y in counseling? There must be something difficult about accomplishing x and y, for you.
Bartering for marriage counseling...uggh this stuff gets tough sometimes to make progress, doesn't it!
If his temper is that bad, if he rejects marriage counseling that easily...then as so many wise posters have said on this forum, I will reitterate--it's back to working on yourself, by yourself, until he is ready to join you.
I don't think it is fair to put demands on you to do x and y before marriage counseling. He can bring up x and y IN marriage counseling if he feels they are important issues.
But that's my opinion...and he no doubt would not like my opinion. How about you suggest that you get a marriage counselor and that you definitely bring up x and y in counseling? There must be something difficult about accomplishing x and y, for you.
Bartering for marriage counseling...uggh this stuff gets tough sometimes to make progress, doesn't it!
If his temper is that bad, if he rejects marriage counseling that easily...then as so many wise posters have said on this forum, I will reitterate--it's back to working on yourself, by yourself, until he is ready to join you.
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Thanks!! I am planning to going to marriage counseling with or without him. He has been very controlling with $$ so I know this will be an issue.
His terms for marriage counseling are that I show him more love and get a job. He knows I have been looking for a job (I'm happy to help out). I've told him he needs to stop threatening me with divorce. It's like a Jekyll/Hyde thing. One moment he's kind of nice then the next he's threatening me with divorce. It feels very crazy. There's a lot more but I won't even bother writing it down.
I will ask him about the note and heart and use I statements. Hopefully it doesn't cause WWIII but if it does then I guess that gives me a clear answer. Thanks again!!!
His terms for marriage counseling are that I show him more love and get a job. He knows I have been looking for a job (I'm happy to help out). I've told him he needs to stop threatening me with divorce. It's like a Jekyll/Hyde thing. One moment he's kind of nice then the next he's threatening me with divorce. It feels very crazy. There's a lot more but I won't even bother writing it down.
I will ask him about the note and heart and use I statements. Hopefully it doesn't cause WWIII but if it does then I guess that gives me a clear answer. Thanks again!!!
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
hi CAgirl, so sorry you're going through this. I don't know that I would advise having this conversation - I can't really say what I would do nor if this is a point of worry, but using "I" statements sounds like sage advice. My advice would be to ask yourself some questions before you have this conversation.
What would you gain by talking to him?
What do you hope to get out of that conversation?
Would it make you feel better to tell him you found this note & trinket?
Would you believe what he tells you?
What do you need to see action-wise from him to show you that he is concerned about your marriage and rebuilding trust?
What will you do if you hear answers from him that confirm your suspicions/worries?
Are you doing/getting what you want and need to be happy and healthy?
What would you gain by talking to him?
What do you hope to get out of that conversation?
Would it make you feel better to tell him you found this note & trinket?
Would you believe what he tells you?
What do you need to see action-wise from him to show you that he is concerned about your marriage and rebuilding trust?
What will you do if you hear answers from him that confirm your suspicions/worries?
Are you doing/getting what you want and need to be happy and healthy?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 95
Thanks CeciliaV! Good things to think about and ask myself before I talk to RAH. I have learned that I don't have to react right way - I can sit with something and not do anything. Sometimes things unfold on their own. I think my trust button was pushed with this note. I just need to breath and be calm.
RAH used my SUV to go dirt bike riding this am. Which I know is great for him - happy he's taking care of himself. I try not to worry because he goes by himself and I know that is not safe. He is still new to riding. Anyway, he did make it home today although he injured his knee. I showed concerned but I"m not going to try to take care of him!! Yeah me!! I'm finally learning something!!
Our marriage is barely hanging on by a thread. There has been no intimacy for 16 months. We are not able to communicate and I don't trust him. With all that said it seems clear to leave but I'm just not strong enough yet. I've posted before that I"m trying to figure out whether to stay or go. I know I need to get myself in a better place emotionally. And, I think I"m holding out a little hope that things might change with his recovery. I've heard the first two years of recovery are very tough so I have another year to hang in there. Of course, I"m going to Al Anon and I am growing, slowly, but growing. This site has been SO beneficial. I"m so thankful to everyone for their posts - I read just about every one of them. I've learned so much. Thank you!!!
RAH used my SUV to go dirt bike riding this am. Which I know is great for him - happy he's taking care of himself. I try not to worry because he goes by himself and I know that is not safe. He is still new to riding. Anyway, he did make it home today although he injured his knee. I showed concerned but I"m not going to try to take care of him!! Yeah me!! I'm finally learning something!!
Our marriage is barely hanging on by a thread. There has been no intimacy for 16 months. We are not able to communicate and I don't trust him. With all that said it seems clear to leave but I'm just not strong enough yet. I've posted before that I"m trying to figure out whether to stay or go. I know I need to get myself in a better place emotionally. And, I think I"m holding out a little hope that things might change with his recovery. I've heard the first two years of recovery are very tough so I have another year to hang in there. Of course, I"m going to Al Anon and I am growing, slowly, but growing. This site has been SO beneficial. I"m so thankful to everyone for their posts - I read just about every one of them. I've learned so much. Thank you!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Dear CAgirl9, remember that AA is for recovery of the alcoholic---not a dating site! This sort of thing--13th Stepping---is definitely frowned on and warned against in AA circles. The true healing comes from working the steps honestly and diligently. I wonder if he is completely invested in recovery---just going to AA meetings is a start but does not constitute a complete recovery program. This is referred to as being a "dry" drunk. The thinking and attitudes and behaviors of a "dry drunk" are often the same or WORSE (to live with) than when drinking.
I am not suggesting that you monitor his recovery--that is his job. I am saying that you can't assume that he is in genuine recovery mode---or that you have just one more year of misery to put up with.
It sounds like he is the main one wielding the "power" in this relationship---(this is my take from reading your posts).
You do have options---even though you may feel beaten down, right now. Your way to real power is to reclaim yourself---work on yourself. You don't have the power to control him, his alcoholism, or how he feels about you and the marriage.
There was an interesting thread on this forum yesterday--taken from THE Language of Letting Go: It was called "Removing the Victim". Sometimes we have to remove ourselves from the "victim" role--by taking our power and becoming a survivor.
I know that this is a difficult time for you. I am giving these comments to you as food for thought.
I hope it is of some help.
Keep posting as often as you need.!!
sincerely, dandylion
I am not suggesting that you monitor his recovery--that is his job. I am saying that you can't assume that he is in genuine recovery mode---or that you have just one more year of misery to put up with.
It sounds like he is the main one wielding the "power" in this relationship---(this is my take from reading your posts).
You do have options---even though you may feel beaten down, right now. Your way to real power is to reclaim yourself---work on yourself. You don't have the power to control him, his alcoholism, or how he feels about you and the marriage.
There was an interesting thread on this forum yesterday--taken from THE Language of Letting Go: It was called "Removing the Victim". Sometimes we have to remove ourselves from the "victim" role--by taking our power and becoming a survivor.
I know that this is a difficult time for you. I am giving these comments to you as food for thought.
I hope it is of some help.
Keep posting as often as you need.!!
sincerely, dandylion
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I just reread through your posts. There has been no intimacy in your marriage for a year and a half but you stated this is because of you. I see that your husband admitted to talking to other women about your marriage problems but I don't see anything mentioned about an impropriety.
Now you found this note and a trinket - what does it mean? Does it mean that he is having or headed toward a relationship outside of the marriage? Or is just a note, from a person that is encouraging your husband in his recovery?
All marriages go through trouble - but I can't say that I personally find anything improper about your husband talking to other people about your marriage issues. I have talked to my friends(both male and female) about my marriage issues and if I didn't have that I would be nuts. For some reason women are looked at as it being ok to gab with your friends about personal issues but men not so much.
I am not saying that you should dismiss finding the note but perhaps you should think on it a bit before approaching him with it. IMO people of both sexes when not getting emotional/physical needs within the relationship will eventually go outside of the relationship - its just human nature.
"More will be revealed" can be used in every aspect of behavior including this scenario. If he is up to no good he will continue to be up to no good. I personally would rather give a wide berth to let that kind of behavior to continue (if it IS sketchy) rather than to warn the person to be more careful. If you approach husband with the note what do you expect to get out of it? An admission? It doesn't really indicate anything improper. A red flag? yeah, a small one my antennae would go up an inch.
Honestly I am confused by your situation. You say in your first post that you would 'leave in a minute" and that you are 'only staying in the marriage for the sake of your daughter" - what expectations then can you have of your husband if this is the way you feel?
Now you found this note and a trinket - what does it mean? Does it mean that he is having or headed toward a relationship outside of the marriage? Or is just a note, from a person that is encouraging your husband in his recovery?
All marriages go through trouble - but I can't say that I personally find anything improper about your husband talking to other people about your marriage issues. I have talked to my friends(both male and female) about my marriage issues and if I didn't have that I would be nuts. For some reason women are looked at as it being ok to gab with your friends about personal issues but men not so much.
I am not saying that you should dismiss finding the note but perhaps you should think on it a bit before approaching him with it. IMO people of both sexes when not getting emotional/physical needs within the relationship will eventually go outside of the relationship - its just human nature.
"More will be revealed" can be used in every aspect of behavior including this scenario. If he is up to no good he will continue to be up to no good. I personally would rather give a wide berth to let that kind of behavior to continue (if it IS sketchy) rather than to warn the person to be more careful. If you approach husband with the note what do you expect to get out of it? An admission? It doesn't really indicate anything improper. A red flag? yeah, a small one my antennae would go up an inch.
Honestly I am confused by your situation. You say in your first post that you would 'leave in a minute" and that you are 'only staying in the marriage for the sake of your daughter" - what expectations then can you have of your husband if this is the way you feel?
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Yes I would talk to him about it.
I'm not sure why alcoholics get to have secret ego boosters and relationships while in recovery.
You found it, it's the elephant in the room, you get to get the information that he has to offer about it.
You also get to set a boundry around it.
If he doesn't like the boundry he has his choices to make.
Just as we don't want to enabler them while they are active, we don't want to do it in recovery.
It is your business, he is recieving gifts from another woman, I'm sure it wouldn't be acceptable if the tables were turned.
He might think about living his life with integrity.
My two cents
Consequences to actions. You dont have to suffer the consequences to his actions, that is his job.
I'm not sure why alcoholics get to have secret ego boosters and relationships while in recovery.
You found it, it's the elephant in the room, you get to get the information that he has to offer about it.
You also get to set a boundry around it.
If he doesn't like the boundry he has his choices to make.
Just as we don't want to enabler them while they are active, we don't want to do it in recovery.
It is your business, he is recieving gifts from another woman, I'm sure it wouldn't be acceptable if the tables were turned.
He might think about living his life with integrity.
My two cents
Consequences to actions. You dont have to suffer the consequences to his actions, that is his job.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by CAgirl9 
It states "rah name, As we continue the journey ... You will be a wondrous butterfly - Helen"
There is also a little terra cotta heart that sz "forgiveness".
There is also a little terra cotta heart that sz "forgiveness".
I keep that signature to remind me of where I was. I also apply it to my recovery from marriage to an active alcoholic. I wanted to leave behind the life as a caterpillar and begin to soar on my own wings as a butterfly.
The simple token that reminds of forgiveness. In my recovery as an alcoholic and as the ex-spouse of an alcoholic, I had to exercise forgiveness. In both situations, I needed to forgive myself. Real, lasting forgiveness of self. It is part of my recovery journey.
After forgiving myself, I can begin to look at my relationships and begin to forgive others for not being what I needed them to be in my life.
I have a few tokens to help me do self realizations as I live my life. I can think of two that are in my car. I chose to put them there.
Some people, like myself, need a physical item to touch/see to help focus my mind in a healthy direction.
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Yes talk to him and use I statements.
Originally Posted by CAgirl9
So my RAH and I switched cars this am. I just used his car and saw a note from a woman whom I'm guessing is from his AA meetings. It states "rah name, As we continue the journey ... You will be a wondrous butterfly - Helen"
I'm very uncomfortable with this note. And that he's keeping it in his car. I'm glad he's getting support I'm just not comfortable with it coming from another woman.
There is also a little terra cotta heart that sz "forgiveness". Not sure where this came from.
I posted earlier that he had admitted to me that while he was drinking he called other women to discuss our marriage problems. Of course I'm sure he never mentioned his alcoholism as a part of that.
What do I do? Do I ask him about this note? This woman? I would like to share with him how uncomfortable this makes me? And if he is truly concerned about our marriage then these actions don't support our marriage?
Please help!!
I'm very uncomfortable with this note. And that he's keeping it in his car. I'm glad he's getting support I'm just not comfortable with it coming from another woman.
There is also a little terra cotta heart that sz "forgiveness". Not sure where this came from.
I posted earlier that he had admitted to me that while he was drinking he called other women to discuss our marriage problems. Of course I'm sure he never mentioned his alcoholism as a part of that.
What do I do? Do I ask him about this note? This woman? I would like to share with him how uncomfortable this makes me? And if he is truly concerned about our marriage then these actions don't support our marriage?
Please help!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 95
Thank your all so much!! Such great things for me to think about and I truly appreciate all the feedback.
Just to clear up a couple things -I have no problem with RAH talking to other people about our marriage. I understand the value of friendship and the support received from friends. I am very blessed to have a wonderful support system of friends.
The issue I have is going to someone of the opposite sex. I feel that is opening the door for an affair. The other thing is my husband has continued a relationship with a woman I have told him I"m not comfortable with - I'll refer to her as K. We used to be friends with her and her husband but they divorced after K had an affair with her husbands best friend. K only keeps in touch with my RAH. Given her history, I'm uncomfortable with her.
The other woman RAH has confided in is someone my husband had worked with. He would talk to her in the car, in the garage late at night. I happened to find him on the phone one night and as soon as he saw me he hung up the phone and threw it across the car. That behavior was very suspicious.
Please know I am not a jealous person, however I can't ignore the questionable behavior. Granted, this all happened while he was drinking. He stopped drinking in Jan 2012 - he received a DUI and I think that was his bottom. The night he received the DUI he called K seven times from around 7 pm until 10:30 or so. He had left the house and didn't tell us where he was going.
I have not been intimate with RAH variety of reasons - one while he was drinking I didn't like his smell. Two, after his DUI and calling K 7 times I have trust issues (that had been building up). The third reason is he is verbally/emotionally abusive to me and I have at least enough self respect to not give myself completely to him. I think there has been so much verbal/emotional abuse I feel very little for him.
There was so much damage while he was drinking I'm having a hard time recovering from that. I know that is something I need to work on but it would be nice if he made amends. I'm not holding my breath for that and I know it will not happen on my time timetable. I've talked to him about rebuilding trust but he doesn't know what to do and it seems he doesn't care. He just expects me to trust him by his word - which is not good enough at this point.
I agree AA is not a dating site, however I know there is really nothing I can do about that. I'm just keeping my eyes open and trying not to be blind to things. I think it's wonderful he's getting support from others - I'm just uneasy about the female support considering past experience. RAH doesn't have a lot of friends, especially male. He had one very good male friend but that relationship is now broken.
I know I need to work on forgiveness with RAH and maybe me seeing the terra cotta heart is meant for me to start working on that.
I'm unsure how to put a boundary about him turning to other women. I'm not sure how I would state it other than it makes me uncomfortable and doesn't contribute to rebuilding trust. What is the consequence for his behaviour.
RAH is going to visit him mom, out of state, this week and I'm SO looking forward to him being gone!! I did see on Facebook that RAH is going to meet up with his ex-girlfreind from High School (over 30 yrs ago). RAH hasn't talked to me about it and I don't think it's anything to worry about but I know RAH would have a problem with it if the tables were turned.
Thanks and I'm so sorry this is sooo long and if it seems I'm not "getting it" At times I have clarity then other times everything is confusing. I have a lot to work through.
Just to clear up a couple things -I have no problem with RAH talking to other people about our marriage. I understand the value of friendship and the support received from friends. I am very blessed to have a wonderful support system of friends.
The issue I have is going to someone of the opposite sex. I feel that is opening the door for an affair. The other thing is my husband has continued a relationship with a woman I have told him I"m not comfortable with - I'll refer to her as K. We used to be friends with her and her husband but they divorced after K had an affair with her husbands best friend. K only keeps in touch with my RAH. Given her history, I'm uncomfortable with her.
The other woman RAH has confided in is someone my husband had worked with. He would talk to her in the car, in the garage late at night. I happened to find him on the phone one night and as soon as he saw me he hung up the phone and threw it across the car. That behavior was very suspicious.
Please know I am not a jealous person, however I can't ignore the questionable behavior. Granted, this all happened while he was drinking. He stopped drinking in Jan 2012 - he received a DUI and I think that was his bottom. The night he received the DUI he called K seven times from around 7 pm until 10:30 or so. He had left the house and didn't tell us where he was going.
I have not been intimate with RAH variety of reasons - one while he was drinking I didn't like his smell. Two, after his DUI and calling K 7 times I have trust issues (that had been building up). The third reason is he is verbally/emotionally abusive to me and I have at least enough self respect to not give myself completely to him. I think there has been so much verbal/emotional abuse I feel very little for him.
There was so much damage while he was drinking I'm having a hard time recovering from that. I know that is something I need to work on but it would be nice if he made amends. I'm not holding my breath for that and I know it will not happen on my time timetable. I've talked to him about rebuilding trust but he doesn't know what to do and it seems he doesn't care. He just expects me to trust him by his word - which is not good enough at this point.
I agree AA is not a dating site, however I know there is really nothing I can do about that. I'm just keeping my eyes open and trying not to be blind to things. I think it's wonderful he's getting support from others - I'm just uneasy about the female support considering past experience. RAH doesn't have a lot of friends, especially male. He had one very good male friend but that relationship is now broken.
I know I need to work on forgiveness with RAH and maybe me seeing the terra cotta heart is meant for me to start working on that.
I'm unsure how to put a boundary about him turning to other women. I'm not sure how I would state it other than it makes me uncomfortable and doesn't contribute to rebuilding trust. What is the consequence for his behaviour.
RAH is going to visit him mom, out of state, this week and I'm SO looking forward to him being gone!! I did see on Facebook that RAH is going to meet up with his ex-girlfreind from High School (over 30 yrs ago). RAH hasn't talked to me about it and I don't think it's anything to worry about but I know RAH would have a problem with it if the tables were turned.
Thanks and I'm so sorry this is sooo long and if it seems I'm not "getting it" At times I have clarity then other times everything is confusing. I have a lot to work through.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear CAgirl, I can see that you are in a very painful place. I agree that there are a LOT of redflags concerning his pattern of interaction with the opposite sex.
I light of this--PLEASE carefully read my post to you on this thread. Every word of it.
sincerely, dandylion
I light of this--PLEASE carefully read my post to you on this thread. Every word of it.
sincerely, dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by dandylion
Dear CAgirl, I can see that you are in a very painful place. I agree that there are a LOT of redflags concerning his pattern of interaction with the opposite sex.
I light of this--PLEASE carefully read my post to you on this thread. Every word of it.
sincerely, dandylion
I light of this--PLEASE carefully read my post to you on this thread. Every word of it.
sincerely, dandylion
I loved your post and read the "victim" post before. I'm going to look through it again and reread your post a few times. Thank you so much!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear CAgirl, don't worry at all about the crying! Most everyone who has come here to these shores has been awash in oceans of tears!! Mine, alone, would fill the Mediterranian Sea.
I am delighted to see that you are already going to alanon. I would suggest that y ou lean heavily into the progam. You need to take back your power.
You also deserve to be respected and cherished. You are being cheated if you are getting less than that.
You will get through this--by your very own bootstraps!! You possess much more strength than you believe you have. Just hang on to those who are supporting you and take it one day at a time.
sincerely, dandylion
I am delighted to see that you are already going to alanon. I would suggest that y ou lean heavily into the progam. You need to take back your power.
You also deserve to be respected and cherished. You are being cheated if you are getting less than that.
You will get through this--by your very own bootstraps!! You possess much more strength than you believe you have. Just hang on to those who are supporting you and take it one day at a time.
sincerely, dandylion
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