Staying on my side of the street
Staying on my side of the street
My AH is really amping up his behavior and trying to turn everything around to being my fault. Calling me angry, saying that my baseline feeling is anger over everything. Attacking my faith and saying that it's shallow because if I had a deeper faith, I'd cut him some slack. So much more and he's getting angrier about me holding my ground and not engaging. I honestly feel at peace(well, there are times when my anxiety spikes but I feel internally at peace) and he's spiraling.
He had a binge this past week where he must have been in blackout because he made 2 different excuses as to why he didn't return a phone call and they completely contradict each other. I responded via text saying, "Sorry for what? Oh, when you called and then hung up on me? No worries." He was really apologizing for falling asleep early and not returning my call but he actually had a few texts back and forth with me that he obviously doesn't remember. What gets me is that he doesn't check his phone to see those texts so that he can make up a better lie? Which pretty much proves to me that he was most likely in a blackout, that is, unless he's all of a sudden become a sleep walker, LOL.
So, what I've been doing is staying on my side of the street. I mean, I am not even tempted to cross over and I now see how crazy it's making him. For me, this a huge step. There is a part of me that feels guilty for pulling away so much and taking care of myself, but I realize that if AH doesn't like it he has choices he can make too. He can divorce me if he's that unhappy. He can move out. He can get sober. He can get help. It's so nice to finally realize that you are not responsible for others and that what he thinks of me is none of my business. Man, what has taken me so long to get here? My peace is wonderful, I feel great, and that's all that matters for now.
He had a binge this past week where he must have been in blackout because he made 2 different excuses as to why he didn't return a phone call and they completely contradict each other. I responded via text saying, "Sorry for what? Oh, when you called and then hung up on me? No worries." He was really apologizing for falling asleep early and not returning my call but he actually had a few texts back and forth with me that he obviously doesn't remember. What gets me is that he doesn't check his phone to see those texts so that he can make up a better lie? Which pretty much proves to me that he was most likely in a blackout, that is, unless he's all of a sudden become a sleep walker, LOL.
So, what I've been doing is staying on my side of the street. I mean, I am not even tempted to cross over and I now see how crazy it's making him. For me, this a huge step. There is a part of me that feels guilty for pulling away so much and taking care of myself, but I realize that if AH doesn't like it he has choices he can make too. He can divorce me if he's that unhappy. He can move out. He can get sober. He can get help. It's so nice to finally realize that you are not responsible for others and that what he thinks of me is none of my business. Man, what has taken me so long to get here? My peace is wonderful, I feel great, and that's all that matters for now.
Sounds great to me. However, please remember, since you have been pulling away, he is NOT getting 'a rise' out of you, so his words and behaviors will probably amp up more and more.
Be they nasty or nice, he wants you to engage, and since you are not, it will in all likelihood get worse.
Stay your course and you will do what is best for you and your son!
Love and hugs,
Be they nasty or nice, he wants you to engage, and since you are not, it will in all likelihood get worse.
Stay your course and you will do what is best for you and your son!
Love and hugs,
Sounds great to me. However, please remember, since you have been pulling away, he is NOT getting 'a rise' out of you, so his words and behaviors will probably amp up more and more.
Be they nasty or nice, he wants you to engage, and since you are not, it will in all likelihood get worse.
Stay your course and you will do what is best for you and your son!
Love and hugs,
Be they nasty or nice, he wants you to engage, and since you are not, it will in all likelihood get worse.
Stay your course and you will do what is best for you and your son!
Love and hugs,
One thing my sponsor and I talked about was that if he gets a 'rise' out of me, then he can accuse me of being the one who is crazy, flying off the handle about the drinking or abuse. She kept encouraging me to stay the course, as hard as it may be.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Your sponsor is right. I had to work really really hard for a long period of time to only take responsibility for things I did or said. To get that product (not saying or doing offensive or hurtful or rude things), I had to not engage with him.
When I didn't engage, he got meaner and nastier and more angry at me. And by then, I knew that I was not the one who had started the argument or fed the argument or kept it going.
His nastiness just kind of stood out like an island in an otherwise placid sea, and that helped me see what was really going on in our relationship.
When I didn't engage, he got meaner and nastier and more angry at me. And by then, I knew that I was not the one who had started the argument or fed the argument or kept it going.
His nastiness just kind of stood out like an island in an otherwise placid sea, and that helped me see what was really going on in our relationship.
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