new here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Lake Mills, WI
Posts: 2
new here
Hi everyone. I am a new member and am looking for help, guidance, support...anything to help me deal with my daughters substance abuse.
I believe she is taking pills. What kind, I don't know. I also believe she is selling. She can't hold down a job, but seems to have money to do what she wants. She lives with me and I have struggled with kicking her out because I don't think she would have anywhere to go. Her father is a loser and isn't in the picture.
Anytime I threaten her with getting help or getting out she throws the guilt at me and gives me the "you wouldn't care if I had to live on the street or if I died" line. She is using me and that is so painful. But I know it is the drugs that have overtaken her life.
We live in a very small town so my options for help are very limited. This whole situation seems so hopeless to me.
I did decide today that I am going to ask her if she dies does she want to be buried or cremated...because I truly believe it could happen if she doesn't get help. I am sure that will freak her out...but maybe also wake her up.
Any thoughts would be so greatly appreciated. Thank you!
I believe she is taking pills. What kind, I don't know. I also believe she is selling. She can't hold down a job, but seems to have money to do what she wants. She lives with me and I have struggled with kicking her out because I don't think she would have anywhere to go. Her father is a loser and isn't in the picture.
Anytime I threaten her with getting help or getting out she throws the guilt at me and gives me the "you wouldn't care if I had to live on the street or if I died" line. She is using me and that is so painful. But I know it is the drugs that have overtaken her life.
We live in a very small town so my options for help are very limited. This whole situation seems so hopeless to me.
I did decide today that I am going to ask her if she dies does she want to be buried or cremated...because I truly believe it could happen if she doesn't get help. I am sure that will freak her out...but maybe also wake her up.
Any thoughts would be so greatly appreciated. Thank you!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome ckp.
My son is the addicted loved one in my family, and there are a lot of mama's here who will be happy to meet you and share as well.
With my son, living at home when he was in active addiction never once worked out. He was in and out of the revolving doors of recovery and relapse for years and years, lived on the street, lived in his own place and usually lost them for lack of rent payment, and each time he came home with the promise to stay clean and be active in his recovery...it failed, because he was incapable of promising me what he could not even promise himself.
Many of us found that when we let our children come home, they stole from us..money, bank cards, checks from the middle of check books, jewelery, electronics and anything of value that they could sell for drugs.
Please know, I don't tell you this to scare you,but to prepare you for what could happen. Some children move home, clean up and stay clean too, but those cases are rare.
The thing is, we are not their only option. There are recovery programs to help them, the Salvation Army Program is very good and is free. There are meetings every day of the week and counseling that may help too.
There is help for them and help for us too.
Please read some of the "sticky posts" at the top of this forum, you will find a lot of good information there.
And keep posting here, life is not easy for those of us who have to watch our children destroy their lives.
I hope you find some comfort here, just knowing you are not alone.
Hugs
My son is the addicted loved one in my family, and there are a lot of mama's here who will be happy to meet you and share as well.
With my son, living at home when he was in active addiction never once worked out. He was in and out of the revolving doors of recovery and relapse for years and years, lived on the street, lived in his own place and usually lost them for lack of rent payment, and each time he came home with the promise to stay clean and be active in his recovery...it failed, because he was incapable of promising me what he could not even promise himself.
Many of us found that when we let our children come home, they stole from us..money, bank cards, checks from the middle of check books, jewelery, electronics and anything of value that they could sell for drugs.
Please know, I don't tell you this to scare you,but to prepare you for what could happen. Some children move home, clean up and stay clean too, but those cases are rare.
The thing is, we are not their only option. There are recovery programs to help them, the Salvation Army Program is very good and is free. There are meetings every day of the week and counseling that may help too.
There is help for them and help for us too.
Please read some of the "sticky posts" at the top of this forum, you will find a lot of good information there.
And keep posting here, life is not easy for those of us who have to watch our children destroy their lives.
I hope you find some comfort here, just knowing you are not alone.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR....another mother of an addict who understands that feeling of hopelessness.
It is very hard to live with our adult addicted children. It wears on our health....mentally, physically and spiritually. And often, it depletes our own financial health. I've been down that path and doesn't feel good.
I eventually got so sick in my own thinking that I eventually sought help for myself.....because trying to get help for my son (or force him into getting help) backfired at every turn. I was trying desperately to control something that was not within my control....him and his addiction. It made my own life unmanageable. I began to use tactics that were very similar to that of an addict......specifically (but not limited to) manipulation, snooping, and sometimes lying (usually by omission). It is often what happens when living up close with addiction. A dance begins.....and we don't even know it....we're on the dance floor with them.
Although there may be limited resources in your community, you may find that there are more than you realize. If not, however, this forum is a wonderful place. It is full of people who are in different stages of their own process of learning how to cope with the addiction in a loved one. It is just one "tool" I use to work my own program of recovery.
There was a time that I had no hope for my son....he was addicted, homeless, dirty, lost everything he owned (except the clothes on his back)....it was very scary. He had been jailed. He had been beaten and shot at, hospitalized, and traumatized. He went from an athletic, handsome firefighter to.......someone I didn't recognize. He is in recovery but it's early (almost four months) and he has a long road in front of him. I had lost all hope of him ever pursuing recovery. I am learning how to support him by being something instead of doing something. I learned how to let him go and give him up to a power greater than him or me.......but it was very very very hard to do and took me a long time to get there.
I am so sorry that you are experiencing the anguish of having an addicted daughter. You are not alone. We will walk with you if you care to join us. Our path isn't easy but many of us have learned to laugh and live well again.
gentle hugs
ke
It is very hard to live with our adult addicted children. It wears on our health....mentally, physically and spiritually. And often, it depletes our own financial health. I've been down that path and doesn't feel good.
I eventually got so sick in my own thinking that I eventually sought help for myself.....because trying to get help for my son (or force him into getting help) backfired at every turn. I was trying desperately to control something that was not within my control....him and his addiction. It made my own life unmanageable. I began to use tactics that were very similar to that of an addict......specifically (but not limited to) manipulation, snooping, and sometimes lying (usually by omission). It is often what happens when living up close with addiction. A dance begins.....and we don't even know it....we're on the dance floor with them.
Although there may be limited resources in your community, you may find that there are more than you realize. If not, however, this forum is a wonderful place. It is full of people who are in different stages of their own process of learning how to cope with the addiction in a loved one. It is just one "tool" I use to work my own program of recovery.
There was a time that I had no hope for my son....he was addicted, homeless, dirty, lost everything he owned (except the clothes on his back)....it was very scary. He had been jailed. He had been beaten and shot at, hospitalized, and traumatized. He went from an athletic, handsome firefighter to.......someone I didn't recognize. He is in recovery but it's early (almost four months) and he has a long road in front of him. I had lost all hope of him ever pursuing recovery. I am learning how to support him by being something instead of doing something. I learned how to let him go and give him up to a power greater than him or me.......but it was very very very hard to do and took me a long time to get there.
I am so sorry that you are experiencing the anguish of having an addicted daughter. You are not alone. We will walk with you if you care to join us. Our path isn't easy but many of us have learned to laugh and live well again.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Lake Mills, WI
Posts: 2
Thank you so much for your replies. It really does help to know there are people for me to talk to. With friends and family I find myself covering for my daughter and lying so no one knows how bad it is. Like it would be too embarrassing to let anyone know. But I have, just lately, thought that I just am not going to do it anymore. If someone asks how she is I am going to tell them the truth. It is too draining to keep up the charade.
I will come here often, I can tell already it is going to help.
I myself am also dealing with breast cancer so my stress level is off the charts! I need this release...and I need this help.
Thank you!
I will come here often, I can tell already it is going to help.
I myself am also dealing with breast cancer so my stress level is off the charts! I need this release...and I need this help.
Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
awwww ckp.....most of us understand how you feel. As parents, we feel that others will judge us based upon the fact that our children chose to use drugs in the first place. Most people don't understand addiction and stand in judgement rather than in a place of compassion.
I hope that you'll learn the importance of self care so that you can begin a personal journey of healing both as it relates to your daughter's addiction and breast cancer. That's a lot to handle.....I pray that you will find coping skills that may help on both fronts.
I also covered up for my son. I don't come out and tell people that he is an addict.....in most cases, it's none of their business, but my family and close friends all know. The things that I need to share regarding the specifics of my feelings and own behaviors are done here and at my Nar-Anon Family Group. Being a member of a strong, support community has been extremely helpful for me.
I can never be grateful that my beautiful son is addicted to drugs, but I will be forever grateful for the lessons I've learned, the growth I've experienced and the wonderful people I've met as a direct result of his addiction.
Take care of you......and feel free to PM me anytime.
gentle hugs
ke
I hope that you'll learn the importance of self care so that you can begin a personal journey of healing both as it relates to your daughter's addiction and breast cancer. That's a lot to handle.....I pray that you will find coping skills that may help on both fronts.
I also covered up for my son. I don't come out and tell people that he is an addict.....in most cases, it's none of their business, but my family and close friends all know. The things that I need to share regarding the specifics of my feelings and own behaviors are done here and at my Nar-Anon Family Group. Being a member of a strong, support community has been extremely helpful for me.
I can never be grateful that my beautiful son is addicted to drugs, but I will be forever grateful for the lessons I've learned, the growth I've experienced and the wonderful people I've met as a direct result of his addiction.
Take care of you......and feel free to PM me anytime.
gentle hugs
ke
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Awwww (((((CKP))))))
Welcome to Sober Recovery. You have found a GREAT place, with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) from folks who have been where you are or are where you are.
I am familiar with your area as I have an adult daughter, s-i-l and grand kids that live there (former Wisconsinite here, from many years ago, lol and still a Green Bay Packers fan, lmao) I can tell you that there are an awful lot of Alanon and Naranon meetings in Madison and it might behoove you to check out some of those meetings. At least 6 different ones to find the ones that you seem to click with.
Also you can try some one on one counseling with a therapist that specializes in addiction. Also, please ask all the questions you think of, someone on here will have gone through it and have an answer. Well ......................... actually many will probably have an answer. lol
Please know that:
You didn't Cause this.
You can't Control this.
and
You can't Cure this.
It is called The 3 C's.
If all of our love and concern and care could cure an addict, none of us would be here.
Her 'guilt trips' are what you will read here as QUACKING. All A's do this. It is how they attempt to manipulate us to continue all the enabling we have been doing. No, she will NOT be living on the streets unless she wants to. There is plenty of help for her in Madison, however, she has to WANT recovery, and that usually does not happen until the A has reached their own particular bottom. (It is different for everyone). One of the best programs available for her is right in Madison at the Salvation Army. It is a 6 to 9 months 'live-in' program and it is FREE. SA has had remarkable success with those that really WANT recovery.
I can tell you that I was 33 1/2 years old in January of '79 when my family and friends said NO MORE. If I came to the door it would be closed in my face, if I called on the phone they would hang up, and if I attempted to steal from them the police would be called. I would love to tell you that, that was my bottom, but NO it took another 2 1/2 years, the last 1 1/2 years living on the streets of Hollywood, before I found recovery in June of '81.
Of ALL the things that my parents ever did for me, THIS WAS THE BEST!!!!
Later, at about my 3rd year in recovery, my mom and I finally had a serious talk, and she stated to me, in no uncertain terms, that had they not done what they did, both she and my dad would have ended up in strait jackets in a padded cell. That they could take no more. That was their bottom. No Alanon, No Naranon, they were fighting for their OWN SURVIVAL.
So, pull up your keyboard, keep posting to let us know how you are doing, feel free, to rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh! We are now walking with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
Welcome to Sober Recovery. You have found a GREAT place, with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) from folks who have been where you are or are where you are.
I am familiar with your area as I have an adult daughter, s-i-l and grand kids that live there (former Wisconsinite here, from many years ago, lol and still a Green Bay Packers fan, lmao) I can tell you that there are an awful lot of Alanon and Naranon meetings in Madison and it might behoove you to check out some of those meetings. At least 6 different ones to find the ones that you seem to click with.
Also you can try some one on one counseling with a therapist that specializes in addiction. Also, please ask all the questions you think of, someone on here will have gone through it and have an answer. Well ......................... actually many will probably have an answer. lol
Please know that:
You didn't Cause this.
You can't Control this.
and
You can't Cure this.
It is called The 3 C's.
If all of our love and concern and care could cure an addict, none of us would be here.
Her 'guilt trips' are what you will read here as QUACKING. All A's do this. It is how they attempt to manipulate us to continue all the enabling we have been doing. No, she will NOT be living on the streets unless she wants to. There is plenty of help for her in Madison, however, she has to WANT recovery, and that usually does not happen until the A has reached their own particular bottom. (It is different for everyone). One of the best programs available for her is right in Madison at the Salvation Army. It is a 6 to 9 months 'live-in' program and it is FREE. SA has had remarkable success with those that really WANT recovery.
I can tell you that I was 33 1/2 years old in January of '79 when my family and friends said NO MORE. If I came to the door it would be closed in my face, if I called on the phone they would hang up, and if I attempted to steal from them the police would be called. I would love to tell you that, that was my bottom, but NO it took another 2 1/2 years, the last 1 1/2 years living on the streets of Hollywood, before I found recovery in June of '81.
Of ALL the things that my parents ever did for me, THIS WAS THE BEST!!!!
Later, at about my 3rd year in recovery, my mom and I finally had a serious talk, and she stated to me, in no uncertain terms, that had they not done what they did, both she and my dad would have ended up in strait jackets in a padded cell. That they could take no more. That was their bottom. No Alanon, No Naranon, they were fighting for their OWN SURVIVAL.
So, pull up your keyboard, keep posting to let us know how you are doing, feel free, to rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh! We are now walking with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
I have two sons who are addicts and my husband is a RA, I know how hard it can be I took one of my sons to the local homeless shelter one year on Mothers Day. Have you read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie? That may be a good place to start as well as reading the stickies here and there also is Nar-Anon, Al-Anon meetings etc...
I know a lady who was recently took to jail because her son was living with her and selling pills she had no clue he was selling.
I wish you the best.
I know a lady who was recently took to jail because her son was living with her and selling pills she had no clue he was selling.
I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
I understand your pain and join with the others in welcoming you. I hope you'll find what's shared at this site helpful on your journey to a better place.
My son is 21, was actively using in years past; I don't know if, what, and when he continues to use but do have a sense of relief when I embrace the message that it's okay to let go and let God; one day at a time.
My son is 21, was actively using in years past; I don't know if, what, and when he continues to use but do have a sense of relief when I embrace the message that it's okay to let go and let God; one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Good Morning CKP, I'm sorry for the struggles you face with your daughter. Another mama here who can totally relate. My son is 22 and is in active addiction. About 5 months ago I finally told him I could not, and would not, talk to him about the chaos created by his addiction. I did tell him I would talk to him about anything else but our contact has been extremely limited. He'll occasionally send a message through facebook, typically dumping on me emotionally. I haven't changed my response "when you are ready to take action against your addiction please get in touch". I think his infrequent contacts are really just "a tap on the shoulder" to see if I'm still willing to respond. I need to get better about waiting to respond, or not responding at all. It is hard....there is such a fine line of setting boundaries but not completely removing some form of a lifeline. They just have to be willing to grab the other end. Because until their situation is bad enough they want to save themselves...nothing WE want for them is going to matter. Keep coming here...be patient with yourself...and trust we can all empathize with your situation and heartache. Big hug to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Just wanted to add quickly...my son and I are NOT friends on facebook. He cannot see any of my activity or get glimpses into my life. I used to provide him with a phone but disconnected the service when I gave him my boundaries. I don't know if he has one or not. When he contacts me it's as a private message through facebook. I cannot see any of his activity either now (he must have changed his settings) and I have to say I'm SO glad he did. I didn't realize how "curious" I had become into checking, daily, whether or not he had made another ridiculous post. It was a vicious cycle. Sending strength your way.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Originally Posted by ckp 
I myself am also dealing with breast cancer so my stress level is off the charts! I need this release...and I need this help.
Thank you!
Thank you!
Being burdened with the added stress takes away from your strength and ability to focus on fighting disease; please think of and take care of you first. Hugs.
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