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Forgiving yoirself and others: how did you do it?

Old 03-16-2013, 02:26 AM
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Forgiving yoirself and others: how did you do it?

What have you learned about forgiveness? Either towards others or yourself or both?
I could use some general thoughts about it from others, if you have any.

Currently I am at the point of realizing that non forgiveness is another way that I have devised to keep feeling sorry for myself and not take responsibility for my future... because unforgiving allows me to stay stuck.

Which is also what drinking did!! Allowed me to stay stuck. So how convenient for me to stay nonforgiving toward myself.... I dont drink and i dont have to move on. I am creating a.noble persona as rationale for self indulgence.

Anyway any thoughts? Anything from your own experience to share?
Thanks.
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Old 03-16-2013, 02:46 AM
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Steps four and five did me a world of good in this area
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Old 03-16-2013, 03:21 AM
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I use a visualization technique .

Imagine baby Q , a lovely little bundle of joy , it's not hard to feel compassion and love for her is it ? what has she learned ? what tools does she have for coping with the world ? if you could meet wouldn't you want to give yourself a hug and show forgivness and compassion ?

Imagine 3 year old Q , despite being 3 and being into everything , it's not hard to feel compassion and love for her is it ? what has she learned ? what tools does she have for coping with the world ? if you could meet wouldn't you want to give yourself a hug and show forgivness and compassion ?

Imagine the 10 year old Q , it's not hard to feel compassion and love for her is it ? what has she learned ? what tools does she have for coping with the world ? if you could meet wouldn't you want to give yourself a hug and show forgivness and compassion ?

Imagine the 15 year old Q , raging ball of frustration , desires and dissapointments ? truely it's hard being 15 , it's not hard to feel compassion and love for her is it ? what has she learned ? what tools does she have for coping with the world ? if you could meet wouldn't you want to give yourself a hug, if she'd accept it... and show forgivness and compassion ?

Imagine 25 year old Q , considering whats she's been up against and only coping with the tools she has picked up along her journey . it's not hard to feel compassion and love for her is it ? what has she learned ? what tools does she have for coping with the world ? if you could meet wouldn't you want to give yourself a hug, if she'd accept it.. and show forgivness and compassion ?

Imagine the Q yesterday , considering whats she's been up against and only coping with the tools she has picked up along her journey . Looking back from her future today it's not hard to feel compassion and love for her is it ? what has she learned ? what tools does she have for coping with the world ? if you could meet wouldn't you want to give yourself a hug, if she'd accept it.. and show forgivness and compassion ?

I thought self forgivness and self love was something practaiced by slightly suspect narcissitic people before i practaiced and understood the technique above .

It's not hard to start to build compassion for most people when you imagine them as a baby and work forwards , see the bad decisions and horrifying choices done usually for the most missguided reasons .

I'm fine with fraternaly loving you just as you are , my sister in recovery, as a manifestation of something glorious , as we all are , why would'nt you ?

Bestwishes, M
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Old 03-16-2013, 03:33 AM
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Great topic I love the visualisation suggested by Mecanix. I will be trying it tonight. And I say well done for realising that being kind to yourself and forgiving is a way of getting unstuck. I'm also stuck and the issue of forgiveness is on my mind, for myself I find it hard to love myself enough and be compassionate. For a few others in my life I still feel a lot of anger/ disappointment to at times I like to think they don't deserve my forgiveness and also get on a bit of a moral high horse. Then I remember the fact that by holding on to resentment Im only prolonging my own misery ... Good luck on your journey and may you treat yourself with love & care xxx
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Old 03-16-2013, 03:56 AM
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"Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."
Forgiveness isn't always an easy. I still catch myself hating others or even myself but it doesn't get me anywhere. So I stop and think. I ask my self why is it so important for me to dwell on something that has already happened. I wasn't happy about it then so why would I keep bringing myself back to that moment. The past is the past. I have to learn to leave it there. I have to break that cycle. Thinking about forgiving yourself or anyone else isn't going to make you feel better unless you just do it. I tell myself that I have to make a choice , either I'm going to forgive and be happy or carry that resentment on my shoulders and continue to make myself angry and upset. It's been working for me.

Break the cycle
Best wishes
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Old 03-16-2013, 04:42 AM
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"Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

Yep. Exactly.
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Old 03-16-2013, 04:52 AM
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EternalQ, execellent, you are FANTASTIC. I've done a good job arresting my chemical dependence, but forgiveness has no meaning to me, I don't know where to start. I've had resentments against my older brother and the catholic church all my life, and is he and the pope losing any sleep over it, NO. The bottom line is I'm wasting my time, but have had little progress with these issues. Yes any thoughts on how to solve these problems is absolutely welcome.
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Old 03-16-2013, 05:55 AM
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sorry for posting this again, but this is my favorite part from The Shack by Wm Paul Young

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation.........Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness......”
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack: Where Tragedy Confronts Eternity
Around the time I read this I realised the person I had most to forgive was myself.

(It took longer than the 3rd day lol)

Not forgiving myself was like a huge tree in a tiny pot...I was stuck with nowhere to go.

D
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Old 03-16-2013, 06:40 AM
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Perfect, Dee!!
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Old 03-16-2013, 07:32 AM
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Thank you all so much!!

Every single post here has helped me with this issue!! Thank you my wonderful friends.

Dee... I have a huge ficus tree handed down to me by my sister and it desperately needs repotting to a bigger pot.... It has been on my list. I think i will repot it this weekend, and meditate on forgiveness, and leave some room for growth.

: )
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Old 03-16-2013, 07:37 AM
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Forgiving myself was very, very hard for me. It sure didn't happen all at once, but more in stages as I grew in recovery. It began with accepting that I was human and therefore I should not expect myself to be perfect.

Eckhart Tolle and Deepak Chopra talk a lot about negative self-talk and how harmful and insidious it is. I had to pay attention to the random thoughts running through my mind. I also found journalling to be very helpful in getting rid of the initial anger that I felt towards myself.
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Old 03-16-2013, 09:21 AM
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you guys are all awesome!!! this website is the reason why internet works . love x
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Old 03-16-2013, 09:41 AM
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When I don't forgive I am held prisoner!!

Originally Posted by EternalQ View Post
What have you learned about forgiveness? Either towards others or yourself or both?
Anything from your own experience to share?
Thanks.


God has forgiven me for my past and I also have 2 people in my life who forgave me. I also have forgiven those who have hurt me.....

When my hubby and son forgave me they did not change the past but they sure did change the future not only for me but for themselves.They realized that, that unforgiveness was a cancer eating at their souls........

I believe forgiveness is a virtue of the brave........

Continually saying I am sorry and then repeating the same behavior really wore my loved ones out. How many times have they heard my empty promises?........


When I got sober I thought, Look at me! I wanted a pat on the back and to be told "Oh Honey we are so proud of you" and all is forgiven.....

When it didn't happen that way I would get angry because my expectations were not met. I'd say say heck with it, if this is what I get by being sober I may as well drink.......


I expected my son to get over the things I did when drunk. I expected affection from my hubby and when I didn't get it, I became indignant.Threw myself a pity party and started putting conditions on my sobriety...

Saying well if things don't get better around here in 1 month I may as well drink. Or what's the use anyways. This was my experience the first time I found this program , it may not be yours

I drank again when all those high expectations were not met. I expected instant forgiveness. Only to add more crap to my 4th step. My sponsor constantly reminds me, Deeker try not to add to your story in the 4th step......

Some of our loved ones may never come to forgive us. But it is very important that we forgive ourselves and realize that we have an illness......

We are not bad people trying to get good, we are sick people trying to get well. We will be defeated once again if we say well they don't forgive me so heck with it I will get drunk.....

For me I have found that saying I am sorry was not cutting it anymore that they needed to see change. Consistent change.....

Not one week going to meetings and the next being in a slump. One week being responsible and changing and the next back to my old ways....

In order to forgive myself I have to be consistently doing the right thing for me. To treasure and value my own life and well being..

It has been a sometimes painful journey of ego deflation but I need to move forward for them for me........

I will never be done on this journey of spiritual growth. Which is sometimes slower than I like........


As for my hubby and son and friends and family members,I am patient with them for they went through years of feeling powerless and helpless over my alcoholism........

I understood it could've taken them a long time to forgive. I can't believe it that they have so soon....

It's really only been about a year since I have been back in the program and trying to do the next right thing, for them and for me...

But I had to take care of myself , meaning I had to go to meetings and I had to get a sponsor and I had to change......

It is the biggest amends I can make.......My family saw that I finally accepted that I was defeated and now because I am doing the next right thing, they have noticed a change in me. They have seen what God and AA and SR can do in a person's life......

My son and hubby and parents never throw the past in my face. My son calls and texts regularly.

He says "Mom I don't know what you are doing but please don't stop, I love being a witness to it. I love you Mom."........


I had left them for another man when I was 43 yr old. Truly broke their hearts. I never wanna bring that much pain on another person as long as I live........

My family understands that my program comes before anything because without it they lose me, and I lose them and myself........

I also pray for those whom I don't always see eye to eye with. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that prisoner was you........


My desire today is to be a forgiving, non- judgemental person. To live and let live. I let God be the judge. I have not walked in someone elses shoes. I don't know the kind of pain they may have endured.......

And I( do forgive myself because I don't believe God makes junk(meaning me) I had a low bottom and I know he is gonna use it to reach others with hope. I hope he already has.

There is personal freedom in forgiveness both given and received, especially to my little ole self!! Deek, I forgive you!
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Old 03-16-2013, 09:51 AM
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[QUOTE=EternalQ;3864541]What have you learned about forgiveness? Either towards others or yourself or both?
I could use some general thoughts about it from others, if you have any.

Sorry Eternal, I didn't mean to post the above here, meant to put it in new thread. It's was kinda long sorry.
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Old 03-16-2013, 10:11 AM
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forgiveness is like any other discipline I have to learn. The longer I practice the better I get at it.

All the best.

Bob R
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Old 03-16-2013, 11:06 AM
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Sorry Eternal, I didn't mean to post the above here, meant to put it in new thread. It's was kinda long sorry.
was a great post though deeker ,

Bestwishes, M
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Old 03-16-2013, 03:32 PM
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Like Anna said, forgiveness is something that I have been learning in stages of awareness. Resentment is something I've really struggled with over the past few years, with two particularly strong grudges.

Others have already said this, but the first stage for me was realizing that my resentments hurt my own soul more than they've ever hurt the other person, and that letting go was a gift to myself. That awareness allowed me to dismiss a lot of little irritations, but it didn't tackle the bigger stuff.

The second stage seemed to be realizing that a lot of the people who really irritated me were sick themselves. That doesn't absolve them of their responsibility, but through awareness of certain personality disorders or taking stock of someone's background, I was able to develop an empathy towards them that was freeing to me. A good example is that when I looked at my mother's home life when she was growing up, I realized she entered adulthood with a really crappy parenting model and poor self-esteem. She really was doing the best she knew how to do, and that's all I can ask of her.

But after the above two stages, I still had two persistant, acidic grudges that I have struggled to deal with. And I think I have finally made a breakthrough over the past three weeks as I've learned more about boundaries. The more I've read--on this site and through a couple of books--the more I've realized that the reason I have not been able to release these two grudges is that I've continued to feel very vulnerable to abuse by these folks and others like them. By re-examining what went wrong in these relationships in light of what I've learned about boundaries, I've realized that I left myself open to their manipulation or abuse by not setting healthy limits on the relationships and not having the self-confidence to stand up for myself when I was being abused and manipulated. Like Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." And I had unwittingly given these folks consent to emotionally beat me up.

This new awareness of how my lack of boundaries contributed to a lot of hurt doesn't mean that I've simply shifted the blame to myself. Instead, it has been really empowering! As I've started mentally retracting my consent to inferiority, it has been liberating to realize I don't have to go through that kind of abuse anymore. I've started using those two experiences as case studies in how to strengthen myself for dealing with difficult people in the future--how to not put myself in a subservient position in any kind of relationship. I'm not expected to do so, and I shouldn't do so, so it's okay not to do so. Nice, huh? As I've become less vulnerable to this kind of threat, I've started to feel peace toward these two people.
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Old 03-16-2013, 03:59 PM
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Thank you for this post!! I've realized that I am starting the process of forgiving others. BUT, forgiving myself seems impossible!
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Old 03-16-2013, 04:12 PM
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Forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling. If we wait for the feeling to come, we let the hatred to do all the harm to us it can.
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Old 03-16-2013, 04:41 PM
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The replies to this thread are really helping me get closer to the heart of things. I am very thankful for them.I have had trouble forgiving myself for significant things I did (and did not do) that are not reparable and which had a big impact on my life....

Today, I began to think, Okay, EQ, maybe you need to make amends to YOURSELF.

As strange as that sounds I went with it. I thought, when you want someone else to forgive you, you have to earn their trust back and you have to prove to them that you've changed and are committed to changed behavior now and in the future. Even if you can't repair the specific damage you did.

So I thought, well, maybe I need to earn my OWN trust back. Maybe I've been hesitant to completely forgive myself, because I am not convinced I really mean it and am going to change. I'm not convinced I am going to stand by ME in the future. Because I didnt before. I'm afraid I will put others or alcohol or fear ahead of standing by ME.

So I think I am going to make a general list of what I need to forgive MYSELF for, and then make a commitment to myself of how I am going to demonstrate by my daily behavior how I've changed and how over time I can earn my own trust back. I may find some spots that I'm just giving lip service to. Those are the spots I will look at more closely.

Oh and I also, I bought the HUGE pot and potting soil for the big ficus tree freedom ceremony. LOL.
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