partofmyjourney

So here I was l going through the last few years of increasing my drinking slowly and not really recognising my problem. Last night I drank 10 beers when I was supposed to be tapering. I did three nights at 6, 5, 4 then drank 10 last night. And posted here for the first time. Thank you all for your help. I am have faced in a positive way the fact that I no longer control or enjoy my drinking. I'm getting help this week. If my husband could more easily get a week or two or or if we had the luxury of someone to babysit for that long; I'd probably look into rehab/ inpatient- also so I could have some time out to process.
I'm hoping I can get the help I need from my gp & also a new psychiatrist I was set to see Monday. He unfortunately had to cancel but I will see him asap. I think just admitting to myself, my husband & this week a health professional that I have this issue will be a start in the right direction. I would happily stop right now if I wasn't scared and anxious about possible withdrawal. The anxiety & panic & insomnia I had prior to "self medicating" with alcohol were bad enough.
I'm just wanting to do this now. I've lost the fear of living without alcohol long term, which is a good thing. I don't care if I never drink again if it means I will be happy. Know this will be tough but living like this is tougher.
I love my life too much to give it away to alcohol.

Xxx

ReadyAtLast

Can you see your doc pomj? I know tapering never worked for me for 2 reasons:
- once I've had one I just want to keep drinking.
- If I did manage just 1 or 2 I told myself it was proof I didn't have a problem so didn't need to quit

Taking5

When I tried tapering I would do it just like you did: From 15 down to 10 to 8 to 4 and boom! I went to 20 drinks one day Then a full blown bender followed that could last weeks. For this reason the last time I quit I went cold turkey, after talking and being very honest with my Dr.

You can do it. It'll be tough but you can do it and the rewards are worth it. Don't give up.

Dee74

Tapering never worked for me either Part - how can we control the thing we've shown time and again we can't control?

I think seeing your Dr is a good idea - there are other ways to tackle the issue than rehab too....if you want Aussie links for AA and non 12 step alternatives like SMART you'll find them here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2273689

D

partofmyjourney

Dear Dee- I just was reading a post of yours somewhere else and sent a thanks as it was what I needed to read right now- then noticed a reply to my thread and it was you! Thanks again. I love the community of aa but not sure it's for me. I tried an online women's group also as based but it was a bit fraught with personal politics between old & new timers. I feel for some reason I'm in the right place being on this forum. I also feel I am in the right place to stop drinking; a lot of the layers of bs I have been telling myself are peeling away and for the first time I am not ashamed to seek medical help nor ashamed to have a drinking issue/ alcoholism. I have changed my thinking from "I will not survive without alcohol" to "I will not survive with it". There are three beers in the fridge which I will have tonight and I will think about buying a few a day for a week if it seems right, maybe 3 then 2- though aware this may not work well given my track record. I am not going to be harsh on myself right now as I know I need the extra support but also at the point I see this is my choice and responsibility and no one can do it for me; but at the same time I probably cannot do it alone so will take the next few days to enlist any help I need. I love this forum and send big hugs & many thanks to all of you here that contribute as it makes someone like me see myself as having hope rather than being a failure. It takes away so much of the guilt and shame and let's me see this issue as a part of life that many deal with rather than a terrible secret I must hide from the world- which is why many alcoholics slowly die alone- from the shame of what is really just an issue than can most often be overcome. My husband said to me today that I am stronger than I know and that after what I have lived through and come out smiling- that he believes I can get through this with the right help and one day look back and smile, seeing it in a new light. That meant alot. X

mecanix

Sounds like you've learned something about yourself and your drinking partofmyjourney,

Put your sobriety at the top of the priority list and don't move it down

Bestwishes, M

Threshold

Just a thought. People tend to minimize the seriousness and deadliness of alcoholism.

If you feel you need rehab or detox to quit...don't hesitate to go there any more than you would hesitate over an appendicitis or other life threatening condition. If you had one of those, how would your kids get taken care of? Somehow people would rally and do what needed to be done. This is no less important to your life and well being, and that of your family.

We look at getting sober as being optional, but if we want any sort of life, it's critical.

Stash

i was also affraid of going threw the withdrawals but for me it was just like having a hangover for a few days. i still get them every once in a while and they last all day long even with tylenol i still feel sick and achy. Don't be afraid of the withdrawals. think of it as a fight for sobriety. you have to fight threw those days but you will get passed them. i wish you the best of luck.

its all about breaking the cycle

partofmyjourney

Thanks Ready At Last. Yep- seeing my dr this week. I think what I should have written is this- UNTIL I see my dr I will buy a few a day if needed. I get awful panic attacks which I have realised sound very similar to d/ts; which is frightening to me (I have anxiety lol). I had the panic prior to drinking but don't want to have a panic attack and fear d/t or worse, vice versa.
So yes; def enlisting help on this one. X

partofmyjourney

Yes Taking 5; It's a bit like an over eater with a cake in the fridge. Temptation. I know I can't really taper/ moderate; I've proven this. I think what I mean is that I will drink as little as possible; possibly get a few each day and not keep in the house until I see my dr and work out a plan of attack

partofmyjourney

Mecanix- yes I hope the mistakes I have made can now give me courage to go forward- thank you

partofmyjourney

Dear Threshold- no, absolutely not minimising or anything like that. I'm near hypochondriac and grew up with an alcoholic mother who lost everything due to her condition. I don't take this lightly at all. My previous attempts I was trialling sobriety but heart wasn't in it. My heart is in this.
It took me awhile to clearly see I wasn't someone who could switch it off. I know if I told my husband today I needed rehab; he'd get time off even though it might risk his job. But I feel I can get through this with help and support from my dr. If not- no issues with detox. I do see this as super important and absolutely making it a priority

partofmyjourney

Stash- I'm not so much scared of feeling like crap, up and down, all over the place for a bit as I feel like that often enough from drinking. It's more the hypersensitivity I have to my own body and thoughts- and as I said, panic attacks & withdrawal seem quite similar in nature so I just want to make sure I have some help to keep myself well. Good on you for getting to where you are and going through the pain to find brighter days x

Stash

I hope you get all the help you can. It takes a lot of help to better yourself.<3

partofmyjourney

Agreed Stash. I just read your post re losing someone close; I hope you are healing well x I know what you mean about a lot of help- Ive got so many issues that I need to address a d alcohol bought me some time in escaping them but I want to live without the mask and know it won't be easy, but will be worth it and I will be doing everything in my power to get as much help and support as it takes. I am also so incredibly glad I found this site. It's a weight off my shoulders already. X