anathaine

I am so disappointed with myself, I was clean yesterday
And then today the guy friend wanted to come over, and
I told him we can't be friends anymore coz he will always
Go to the chemist for me for codeine and alzam. I'm NOT supposed
To hang around with him - he doesn't use drugs himself.
So now I've used and it is back to square 1. Just wanted to say
That.

Hevyn

I'm sorry that happened anathaine - but very glad you came here to talk about it.

I don't know many people who stopped & never looked back the first time around. Let's try this again, and remember how disappointed you are right now. Don't put yourself in that position again. You can make it out of this, anathaine - and have a better life.

Dee74

Hi anathaine

I think to be successful we really need to make changes - sometimes that changes in people, or places.

Sometimes it means finding sober support. What kind of support do you have?

D

anathaine

I DO want to go to meetings - sometimes I can't get a lift
But on Wednesdays I can but I've cancelled that lift 3 times.!! I'm so ashamed.
I'm also embarrassed to admit it out of fear that I won't be believed,
But I suffer from Social Anxiety, that's why I started using in the
First place. But I take meds so that is not so much an issue NOW
With going. Damn I've just got to put more damn effort into it.!
I'm being so wishy washy about it and I wish I cld just slap myself
Into reality. But there r two ppl I can call on to help me if I'm
About to use.
But I don't know how to get my friend (xboyf) to leave me alone.
I was with him for a long time coz I had nowhere else to stay.
Sometimes then I have sex with him so that he will go and buy
Codeine and alzam for me. We have a long complicated history.
I hate having sex with him. When I say that he is enabling me
And must leave me alone, he tells me he won't buy it anymore,
And he says I'm being ridiculous saying that the friendship is over.
He knows that I need the alzam, that is how he traps me. I don't
Want him in my life. I wld be happy if I never saw him again. I know
It is my fault though. He knows that as long as he buys this stuff for
Me then he can be assured of sex.
I want him to leave me alone. How can I do it?!

Ps. I'm using a bberry that's why my sentences have capital letters
In the beginning - like a poem. Its irritating.

anathaine

Ok u guys have to go to a meeting tonight. It is 10:05am.
Oh God I'm so tired of this...went to bed at about 0230am...the usual MONTH after
The Stuff.
Got to go to the hospital to get my meds and I always procrastinate over this.
See u later. Ill keep it posted.

Lyoness

Have you seen a doctor to talk about your codeine and alzam use? (I'm guessing alzam is a benzo like valium?) That might be a good place to start, to help with any issues that need addressing medically.

Sounds like you need to work up a plan to have in place to help you when your ex comes over and starts to manipulate you. Could you maybe make a deal with your friends to call them if he calls or shows up and they can help you focus on what you really want? Just some thoughts.

Also, are you doing any counseling? It is so hard to quit using alone and you have the complicated situation with your ex. Having a counselor could help you deal with these issues and work out some strategies for dealing with them.

Take care.

Hevyn

Thinking of you anathaine - hope you're feeling a little more hopeful.

RightLAine

Its okay that you are on another day 1. I have was doing good last week and then messed up over the weekend. I know it is really hard. I live with my boyfriend that has told me he wont stop. So I am doing this on my own and the temptation is always there. I try to keep reminding myself how good I feel when I dont drink and how bad I feel after I do. I'm hoping the urge to drink goes away and your urge to use goes after time. I'm glad your on here looking for support.

edesatoff

I feel like I am not cool enough or fun, which is so ******.

anathaine

Hi guys,
Today not good but - Take 22 5580...and action!
Just want to know, how can I put an avatar on, like u guys have?

Missed a meeting today, accidentally (reeeaally?)

2morrow is another day so help me God.
Xxx

anathaine

Thx guys . I got to come right. But I feel there is not a reason!! I've GOT to finish with this S****** . Got to get rid of (rid of) him. HAVE TO

anathaine

Hi
Want to post a pic on my blog. But when I try...ok wait I have to try again. Omg I feel terrible but I am putting a plan in action. Coz if "John" had not been in my life the chances that I would NOT have chosen to do it is 99.999999999999 percent.

I know it is my choice.

If I try to insert a pic here then it says "put in URL". Why not browse? U mean a link.

Confused Drug addict (CDA)

Xxx Anna-Thayne

Ps. What do u mean when u use the abb "AV"?

anathaine

Sorry, cool enough for what?

Delilah1

I was sober for three months which was the longest in my adult life minus pregnancies. Then I decided I could have a glass of wine, it made it easy to start having a glass of wine daily again.

It is not easy to stop, but I feel better when I am not drinking, even if it is just one glass because I know that can easily lead to more. I have found that occupying night time with other activities helps.

Hang in there, and definitely stay away from your ex.

anathaine

Feel like going all the way back to the chemist to get another bottle of cough mixture! AND I wld hitch!! And it's 15km away!

sugarbear1

If you work at staying stopped as hard as you work at getting trashed, you, too, can stay stopped completely.

Quinne

Keep posting! A really important part of my recovery has been in learning to set boundaries; you don't owe this guy a long-winded explanation as to why you can't keep seeing him-I used to have sex with my ex when he was drunk as a skunk and would plead for it and I know the feeling associated with it on my part was pretty horrific-I resented him and moreso myself for being unable to say no :/ You may not believe right now you deserve any differently, but i'm sorry to say you're wrong! Make the decision, say to him firmly that you can't see him as It's severely impacting your health and don't leave room for any line of questioning. It sounds like if you want to be successful in your recovery, he's got to go! Delete him off fb, block his number and make a commitment to meetings.

I too, had to change people, places and things-harder to do in some areas and with some people, but it CAN be done!

Sorry if this post comes across as a bit preachy, I just woke up and am still a bit bleary :P

Xx

anathaine

Yes yes YES that is correct

anathaine

No please!! Please be preachy! I know it is only me who can do this but if u just pull me up from a sitting position, slap me and keep preaching or remonstrating then I am on my feet I will be able to do the rest.
But I am battling to find a .reason to stop. I mean it seriously. Well the reason so long for me is I feel ****. And guilty. I think that I feel I have nothing to live for. Yes I do feel that way (I don't mean to sound pathetic tho it does!).
Another reason...u see it has all collapsed when I stopped working there and broke up with my BOSS...ok let's not go there.
But I have to keep hoping that...ill get more work! I only have one project I'm working on now - I'm a graphic designer/ill, fine artist.
Am I sending negative energy into the universe and is it coming to me??

Yes

Richierich777

Are you originally from Cape Town? Where is your family? Mom and Dad? You need help and you won't stop until you get the support. We are here for you, but you gotta stop and readjust. Why don't you have anything to live for? If you a I'm a graphic designer/ill, fine artist maybe you should mov or leave that area.