jzeb2008

Last evening after my agreement with my husband in the morning over taking the children to a funeral, I began thinking about divorce. This man used to love me more than anyone in the world, doesn't seem to have one bit of love left for me.All love left in him is for his addiction. I talked to his mom for a bit about it and told her that I'm considering divorce. He suggested a week ago that we work on our marriage while living apart (so did my sponsor) but trying to get along and start doing things together as if we were dating again. He has done NOTHING! Has not rescheduled for the dinner that he canceled on the beginning of LAST week. Can't even talk to me without yelling. His mom said he was gone (no surprise here. He wasn't hardly here for the last 8 months either.) She told me that he had told her earlier that he had called and apologize to me.NO HE DIDN'T!!! So,when he got back there, she must have told him that I was thinking about a divorce. He called me and acted really nice and said that he had called me 5 or 6 times but didn't get an answer. Before I could tell him that my phone never rang he said, "Don't argue with me about this. I called. "He said he wanted to apologize for being so mean in the morning. He asked what I was going to be doing tomorrow and I told him that I had to go to the courthouse to file some papers. His voice freaked out. "For what? "He asked. You see,divorce is the ONLY thing that he seems to be scared of.Every time I've mentioned it he says he's going to kill himself or starts apologizing. I told him it was to see about getting a free attorney for child support from my ex husband. He calmed down and asked how I found out about that. I told him that my sponsor's husband is a paralegal and he said, "Oh,I forgot you had a sponsor. "real crappy like. So,I told him that I wasn't listening to his crap and hung up.He called back first thing this morning to ask me over for coffee and I told him that the kids were home from school today. He talked about a few things (for once) and told me that he'd call me later.He said he'd be there all day. Like I believe that. He's trying to make me believe that he's changing.He called back a little while later asking about a paint brush to do some work at his mom's. I told him that is nice that he can do stuff at her house but wouldn't stay home long enough here to finish my son's bedroom and the bathroom. Construction is his trade a for 7 months my son's bedroom was a catch all for his tools. When I asked him to move out, my children and I finished both rooms ourselves in 2 days. He had 8 months to do it!He complained that he planned on doing work to "our "home (nothing else needs done now) and that's why he never wants to talk to me because all I do is start fights and play the blame game. He told me how immature I AM and that I'll never grow up and change. When I asked, "Well, what about you?"He said that I'm not taking any responsibility in the marriage. I told him that I'm thinking about divorce and before I could even tell him why,for the first time he said, "Good. Please do so you'll get off of my back and I can be happy! "Then, he hung up.

AnvilheadII

couple things i want to suggest is now that you have announced the desire to divorce....either you meant that or it was just a threat. if you meant it, get busy! and second, if it is your plan to proceed, don't give HIM or his mother ANY more information about it....trust me that can come back and bite ya in the butt. in fact i'd cease ALL communications except as absolutely necessary....and not one word more.

LoveMeNow

I know the definition of insanity so well. I did the same things over and over expecting a different results.

I had to change. I had to stop blaming him for everything and playing the victim. I had become a willing participant to the insanity, in fact, often times I created it to get a reaction from him.

When I really started to honestly do the needed hard work on me, I saw my role. When I started to change, he saw it. For the first time in a long time, he became scared he was really losing me. He knew all my other threats were empty. He knew it more then I did.

I really understand your pain and frustration.

EverHopeful721

You see,divorce is the ONLY thing that he seems to be scared of.Every time I've mentioned it he says he's going to kill himself or starts apologizing.

My XH (not an addict, but DEFINITELY a fellow co-dependent) also was only willing to apologize and change after he found out I wanted a divorce. But I knew he would only change until he was sure that I was over wanting a divorce and had settled back in, and then he would go right back to his old behavior. So when he found out that there was no changing my mind, he also became belligerent and blamed me for everything. We were still living together (God, for WAY too long, we even slept in the same bed...) because I felt it was his house/bed, too and I had no right to kick him out of either (I should have stayed on the couch). So when I couldn't take it any longer and I suggested that I move out, he said, "No, YOU caused this, it's YOUR decision, so YOU have to stay here and watch ME suffer - that's your punishment for doing this to me." Thankfully, he finally moved out a couple months later.

My point is, don't let him guilt you into staying or not filing for divorce, jzeb. They're not doing it out of love - they're doing it out of desperation. And once you back down and they know you're not going to follow through, then they know that they have you. If you're just threatening and have no intention of following through with a divorce, fine. But if you are serious and you do want a divorce, don't let him guilt you into staying.

And I totally agree with AHII - if you really want a divorce, do NOT tell him or his mother ANYTHING about it!! When it comes down to it, she will obviously take his side - he's her son. Don't feed them any more information that they will try to use against you.

cerene

I can only imagine how hard this has to be for you. Wanting to keep your family together is a normal goal. But sometimes that doesn't work out and we have to look at the alternatives.

Divorce should never be used as a weapon to scare a person into changing. That's manipulation. If you're at the point of wanting a divorce and you tell him that, then that's ok. That's telling him your next steps. But bringing it up more than once is just threatening and controlling. No one wants to be threatened and eventually it loses it's scare effect. Threats with no follow through become just words with no power. Then you're left with either getting the divorce or finding another way to deal.

I really hope you can find a solution.

zoso77

Ending a marriage even without addiction issues is a very, very difficult decision. I cannot provide counsel on that.

However, what I can tell you is when you're dealing with an addict, you have to make decisions based on what you know to be true. You have to look at the addict's track record. And you have to be honest with yourself about what you're willing to tolerate. There is no room for denial.

You have also have to recognize and accept that any decision you make, you will pay a price. In order for us to be well, to be whole, sometimes that means removing a person from our life that we still love. A lot of times, that hurts like hell. And it's supposed to hurt like hell. But no one ever said doing the right thing for ourselves is supposed to feel good.

Best,
ZoSo

jerect

I divorced my addict and it was a very tough decision.. I wrestled with it for almost three years before I was literally "pushed" into making the decision...

I agree with Cerene, don't use divorce as a threat or a means to control someone.. If you are going to do it then start taking the necessary steps to go through the process..

It's really though to rip off that bandaid.. But I can speak from experience that it was the BEST decision I've ever made... Now that I've been out of my marriage for almost three months I've begun to realize just how unhealthy my marriage was and how "sick" I was.. I'm only now starting the healing process...