We starting to help ourselves and rise above our son's addiction
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
We starting to help ourselves and rise above our son's addiction
Our 21 yo son is an active marijuana addict who's life is going up in smoke as we watch helplessly. We evicted him from our home a few weeks back as his using was getting intolerable and we were feeling very unsafe. Details of his eviction are provided in my other threads. We still see him a couple of times a week and one of us talks to him once a day. (this is for our sake - not for his). Unfortunately he is still actively using but we avoid the topic. We figure we cannot kick him our and then try to control him.
Encouraged by all the advise I got from the kind folks here, I and my wife went to my first Al-Anon meeting last week. Most people were quite welcoming.
I can't say I found the meeting particularly helpful as most people there were recovering or recovered co-dependents whose sense of self worth was beaten down by the addiction of their loved one. There was a 15 minute discussion on courage which I barely remember. We will give these meeting a few more tries before deciding if they are useful. I do find SR far more useful.
I also plan to give Nar-Anon a try next week.
We also attended a family group meeting at our city's addiction hospital / centre. The meeting was quite useful. We met other parents whose young adult children were in active addiction (like our son). We felt we were not alone. It was sad to hear their stories and much of it resonated. Most of these parents were at an earlier stage than us at coping and its painful to see all the things they were doing (which we had done and failed). I did not have the heart to tell them not to bother. This is a lesson they have to learn themselves.
We will be meeting once a week for 8 weeks to learn how to deal with the addict in our lives and to take care of ourselves. The group is led by a social worker. Our first assignment was Self-care. We were advised to select activities which we normally do not do for fun and relaxation. My wife and I will be going to a movie this weekend (its been years since I saw a movie in a theater). I also plan to take a long bath is the jacuzzi and light some candles (I am strictly a shower guy and have not used the jacuzzi for years). If the weather remains decent I can go out a clear up the yard. We plan to doing some serious gardening this year.
I also learnt this week that our son has now dropped out of university. He has barely made a dent in 2nd year. He had been lying to us that he was still attending.
This has big consequences for him as he now stands to lose $20 K in education grants which were coming to him contingent on him getting to 3rd and 4th year. He still has 1 year to get them but after that they money is gone. He is also behind in his tuition fees (I had told him I will pay if he passes; but now as he has no hope of passing, I won't bail him out).
.
Encouraged by all the advise I got from the kind folks here, I and my wife went to my first Al-Anon meeting last week. Most people were quite welcoming.
I can't say I found the meeting particularly helpful as most people there were recovering or recovered co-dependents whose sense of self worth was beaten down by the addiction of their loved one. There was a 15 minute discussion on courage which I barely remember. We will give these meeting a few more tries before deciding if they are useful. I do find SR far more useful.
I also plan to give Nar-Anon a try next week.
We also attended a family group meeting at our city's addiction hospital / centre. The meeting was quite useful. We met other parents whose young adult children were in active addiction (like our son). We felt we were not alone. It was sad to hear their stories and much of it resonated. Most of these parents were at an earlier stage than us at coping and its painful to see all the things they were doing (which we had done and failed). I did not have the heart to tell them not to bother. This is a lesson they have to learn themselves.
We will be meeting once a week for 8 weeks to learn how to deal with the addict in our lives and to take care of ourselves. The group is led by a social worker. Our first assignment was Self-care. We were advised to select activities which we normally do not do for fun and relaxation. My wife and I will be going to a movie this weekend (its been years since I saw a movie in a theater). I also plan to take a long bath is the jacuzzi and light some candles (I am strictly a shower guy and have not used the jacuzzi for years). If the weather remains decent I can go out a clear up the yard. We plan to doing some serious gardening this year.
I also learnt this week that our son has now dropped out of university. He has barely made a dent in 2nd year. He had been lying to us that he was still attending.
This has big consequences for him as he now stands to lose $20 K in education grants which were coming to him contingent on him getting to 3rd and 4th year. He still has 1 year to get them but after that they money is gone. He is also behind in his tuition fees (I had told him I will pay if he passes; but now as he has no hope of passing, I won't bail him out).
.
Last edited by pravchaw; 03-15-2013 at 09:00 AM. Reason: typo
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Pravchaw: You and your wife are doing so well! The wonderful part is that this is a win-win situation for you and for your son. You have given him a much better chance at hitting that proverbial wall and choosing life instead of choosing death. Not that there are guarantees here on behalf of your son.
Keep coming back!. I would love to find an educational series here to be involved in - specifically targeted for parents. I would be interested in hearing about what you have learned...
Keep coming back!. I would love to find an educational series here to be involved in - specifically targeted for parents. I would be interested in hearing about what you have learned...
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
I would love to find an educational series here to be involved in - specifically targeted for parents. I would be interested in hearing about what you have learned...
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
It sounds like you are working hard at taking care of you and that's terrific.
When I really began working hard on me.....I did all kinds of things. I went to meetings (Nar-Anon) even when I didn't feel I was getting anything out of them at times. I looked at them like gold mining missions......I had to dig through LOTS of dirt to get one little nugget. But those little nuggets were worth a LOT and were worth the time and effort spent to get them. I learned other things there too....I learned tolerance. I learned how to listen quietly....even when I vehemently disagreed. I learned (eventually) to love some people whom I didn't really like all that much at first. I got a SESH book!!!! That book is a treasure chest FULL of nuggets of wisdom. My SESH book is pretty weathered at this point.
I set up meetings with others who were further along in their recovery than I was. I set up meetings with people at the same point in their recovery as I was in mine. I met new people and made new friends. I made friends with people who understood me in a way none of my other friends could.
I took up yoga. I began a daily ritual of meditation.
It really doesn't matter what you do.....as long as it revolves around taking care of yourself in a loving and healthy manner. We can only hope that our children will learn by our example as we show them what loving, healthy self care looks like.
You and your dear son will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
When I really began working hard on me.....I did all kinds of things. I went to meetings (Nar-Anon) even when I didn't feel I was getting anything out of them at times. I looked at them like gold mining missions......I had to dig through LOTS of dirt to get one little nugget. But those little nuggets were worth a LOT and were worth the time and effort spent to get them. I learned other things there too....I learned tolerance. I learned how to listen quietly....even when I vehemently disagreed. I learned (eventually) to love some people whom I didn't really like all that much at first. I got a SESH book!!!! That book is a treasure chest FULL of nuggets of wisdom. My SESH book is pretty weathered at this point.
I set up meetings with others who were further along in their recovery than I was. I set up meetings with people at the same point in their recovery as I was in mine. I met new people and made new friends. I made friends with people who understood me in a way none of my other friends could.
I took up yoga. I began a daily ritual of meditation.
It really doesn't matter what you do.....as long as it revolves around taking care of yourself in a loving and healthy manner. We can only hope that our children will learn by our example as we show them what loving, healthy self care looks like.
You and your dear son will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Originally Posted by pravchaw 
We will be meeting once a week for 8 weeks to learn how to deal with the addict in our lives and to take care of ourselves. The group is led by a social worker. Our first assignment was Self-care. We were advised to select activities which we normally do not do for fun and relaxation. My wife and I will be going to a movie this weekend (its been years since I saw a movie in a theater). I also plan to take a long bath is the jacuzzi and light some candles (I am strictly a shower guy and have not used the jacuzzi for years). If the weather remains decent I can go out a clear up the yard. We plan to doing some serious gardening this year.
I also learnt this week that our son has now dropped out of university. He has barely made a dent in 2nd year. He had been lying to us that he was still attending.
This has big consequences for him as he now stands to lose $20 K in education grants which were coming to him contingent on him getting to 3rd and 4th year. He still has 1 year to get them but after that they money is gone. He is also behind in his tuition fees (I had told him I will pay if he passes; but now as he has no hope of passing, I won't bail him out)..
I also learnt this week that our son has now dropped out of university. He has barely made a dent in 2nd year. He had been lying to us that he was still attending.
This has big consequences for him as he now stands to lose $20 K in education grants which were coming to him contingent on him getting to 3rd and 4th year. He still has 1 year to get them but after that they money is gone. He is also behind in his tuition fees (I had told him I will pay if he passes; but now as he has no hope of passing, I won't bail him out).
.
As far as university and the threat of losing grants, I know that's a hard one to swallow. It's hard to stand by and watch our kids fall. I do applaud you and your wife for choosing to not bail him out by paying the tuition fees.
Adding prayers for you and your family.
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