So heartbroken, please help!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 27
So heartbroken, please help!
I have been in a relationship with an addict for almost 2 and a half years. We have an eight month old son together.
I tried to make him see how much I love him. I cried to him. I yelled at him. I threatened him. I broke things. I talked to him, I didn’t talk to him.
He broke up with me yesterday, and kicked me out. This was after I snooped into his facebook and found a sexually explicit message between him and his not so attractive pill provider. It led me to believe that he has been having sex with her for pills. He told me that it wasn’t true, and that he just planted that to find out if I am still snooping on him. ????
The thing is, I find myself wanting to believe that so bad. That it can still be fixed. That it will get better, and that he will be the guy I want him to be.
I sometimes want to believe that I AM the crazy one. That there is something I can do to fix this. Maybe change my perspective. Maybe better ignore the bad behaviors and hurtful words.
He says he will be happy once I am gone.
I am on the emotional rollercoaster, and he is happy . That hurts more than anything. How do I get past this? How do I stop loving him? How can I stop hurting?
I cant go no contact because of my son, and that we work at the same company (Totally different department tho)
I tried to make him see how much I love him. I cried to him. I yelled at him. I threatened him. I broke things. I talked to him, I didn’t talk to him.
He broke up with me yesterday, and kicked me out. This was after I snooped into his facebook and found a sexually explicit message between him and his not so attractive pill provider. It led me to believe that he has been having sex with her for pills. He told me that it wasn’t true, and that he just planted that to find out if I am still snooping on him. ????
The thing is, I find myself wanting to believe that so bad. That it can still be fixed. That it will get better, and that he will be the guy I want him to be.
I sometimes want to believe that I AM the crazy one. That there is something I can do to fix this. Maybe change my perspective. Maybe better ignore the bad behaviors and hurtful words.
He says he will be happy once I am gone.
I am on the emotional rollercoaster, and he is happy . That hurts more than anything. How do I get past this? How do I stop loving him? How can I stop hurting?
I cant go no contact because of my son, and that we work at the same company (Totally different department tho)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Welcome to SR and so sorry for what brings you here. You have found a great resource here at SR. I know what it's like to feel like the crazy one and to be called the crazy one. When people get defensive they tend to deflect the situation to put the blame back on you to divert the attention from themselves. It's called blame shifting and the goal is to make you feel crazy. It's not pretty I know but it really happens and non-recovering addicts will do anything and everything to protect their addiction, which sometimes means they push you away only to reel you back in again for more. As far as him being happy that you're gone- this is the addiction speaking. The addiction would like you out of the way, not him.
Your gut was telling you something and you were seeking validation. Your intuition was right and now it sounds like he is angry, defensive, and embarrassed. You have a child involved so how you choose to protect your child is completely up to you and I have a feeling those with children here on SR have some great advice.
I hope you find some supportive resources on this forum through this difficult time. It might be hard to hear right now, but this too shall pass. There is an acronym used here called f.o.g. It describes how living with an actively using addict keeps us under fear, obligation, and guilt. I lived like this for a few years so I understand. As others will tell you, read the stickies above, and especially "what addicts do."
When it comes to his addiction- you did not cause it, you cannot cure it, and you cannot control it. These are the 3 C's of Al-anon. Have you ever checked out an Al-anon meeting? They say try 6 meetings before you decide if it's right for you. Please take care of you and your son. Blessings.
Your gut was telling you something and you were seeking validation. Your intuition was right and now it sounds like he is angry, defensive, and embarrassed. You have a child involved so how you choose to protect your child is completely up to you and I have a feeling those with children here on SR have some great advice.
I hope you find some supportive resources on this forum through this difficult time. It might be hard to hear right now, but this too shall pass. There is an acronym used here called f.o.g. It describes how living with an actively using addict keeps us under fear, obligation, and guilt. I lived like this for a few years so I understand. As others will tell you, read the stickies above, and especially "what addicts do."
When it comes to his addiction- you did not cause it, you cannot cure it, and you cannot control it. These are the 3 C's of Al-anon. Have you ever checked out an Al-anon meeting? They say try 6 meetings before you decide if it's right for you. Please take care of you and your son. Blessings.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 48
Welcome.
I wanted to validate what you are going through. As I am going through something extremely similar and posted in the FF of Alcoholics....however my xbf is an alcoholic as well as a former heroin user.
He too broke things off (completely stopped all contact right before my birthday -just one wk ago)
He was in a 6 month rehab where he graduated and now works, gets a paycheck and a free private room for himself. Over the last 2 mo. I started to find things out (lying to me, sneaking around, MIA, all around shady behavior) and itvwas confirmed when I called his mother one day and found some of these things out. Was telling others one thing and me completely another.....
Needless to say he was LiViD....I mean crazy LIVID...and when I confronted him about it? he started accusing me of needing to now where he was at and what he was doing at all times.... acting like I was a complete stalker! when I stopped for a few weeks and really started to look at what was happening I started to ask questions and really want answers and unfortunately he was just getting sneakier and more mad that I wasn't okay with just the answers he gave me which were obviously complete lies.
I'm grappling back and forth with whether or not he was using because his behavior was very indicative of that. he was making it seem like ohh this is so stressful for him but really the fact is is that he wasn't working a program and he wasn't in active recovery regardless of whether or not it he was working and living in a real rehab.
if he was doing the right things he wouldn't find need to sneak around and lie about it.
I know this predicament urine is so difficult and feel so raw as I am in a similar situation and it hurt so many stories about addicts who do this frequently.
((((Hugs)))) keep reading keep posting....im serious it helps..even if you don't completely agree with what everybody says the fact that you are reaching out and getting support from people who know exactly what you're going through is comfort in itself.
I wanted to validate what you are going through. As I am going through something extremely similar and posted in the FF of Alcoholics....however my xbf is an alcoholic as well as a former heroin user.
He too broke things off (completely stopped all contact right before my birthday -just one wk ago)
He was in a 6 month rehab where he graduated and now works, gets a paycheck and a free private room for himself. Over the last 2 mo. I started to find things out (lying to me, sneaking around, MIA, all around shady behavior) and itvwas confirmed when I called his mother one day and found some of these things out. Was telling others one thing and me completely another.....
Needless to say he was LiViD....I mean crazy LIVID...and when I confronted him about it? he started accusing me of needing to now where he was at and what he was doing at all times.... acting like I was a complete stalker! when I stopped for a few weeks and really started to look at what was happening I started to ask questions and really want answers and unfortunately he was just getting sneakier and more mad that I wasn't okay with just the answers he gave me which were obviously complete lies.
I'm grappling back and forth with whether or not he was using because his behavior was very indicative of that. he was making it seem like ohh this is so stressful for him but really the fact is is that he wasn't working a program and he wasn't in active recovery regardless of whether or not it he was working and living in a real rehab.
if he was doing the right things he wouldn't find need to sneak around and lie about it.
I know this predicament urine is so difficult and feel so raw as I am in a similar situation and it hurt so many stories about addicts who do this frequently.
((((Hugs)))) keep reading keep posting....im serious it helps..even if you don't completely agree with what everybody says the fact that you are reaching out and getting support from people who know exactly what you're going through is comfort in itself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
Originally Posted by gertie5474 
That there is something I can do to fix this. Maybe change my perspective. Maybe better ignore the bad behaviors and hurtful words.
Maybe dig down deep and find some self-respect.
Just because you have a kid with him doesn't mean you picked the right guy.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. Please know that you are NOT crazy. Deep down I think you know that this is not a healthy relationship and both you and your son deserve better. Drugs make a lot of us think we're crazy, even when we're not the ones using.
Unfortunately, you can't love someone into sobriety. He has to want it for himself and he may not be there yet. It could be a few days, months or years before he gets to that point. I am also in love with an addict and have been where you are. I've asked the same questions and wondered the same thoughts.
What I've learned (thanks to everyone here on SR) is that I didn't cause it and I can't make him stop. He may try to convince you otherwise, but that's the truth.
You have a son who is depending on you to provide him with a safe and loving home. You can't do that when drugs are part of the picture. I know what you are going through is painful and I'm so sorry for all your pain. Maybe it would help if you try to maintain some distance from. If you see him at work, try to minimize contact with him as much as possible. Focus on yourself and your well being. Try to stay positive and surround yourself with good friends/family. Read the stickies on this forum and keep coming back. You are not alone.
Hugs
Unfortunately, you can't love someone into sobriety. He has to want it for himself and he may not be there yet. It could be a few days, months or years before he gets to that point. I am also in love with an addict and have been where you are. I've asked the same questions and wondered the same thoughts.
What I've learned (thanks to everyone here on SR) is that I didn't cause it and I can't make him stop. He may try to convince you otherwise, but that's the truth.
You have a son who is depending on you to provide him with a safe and loving home. You can't do that when drugs are part of the picture. I know what you are going through is painful and I'm so sorry for all your pain. Maybe it would help if you try to maintain some distance from. If you see him at work, try to minimize contact with him as much as possible. Focus on yourself and your well being. Try to stay positive and surround yourself with good friends/family. Read the stickies on this forum and keep coming back. You are not alone.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 129
I am sorry you are in such a horrible situation. I also am in love with an addict. We were together 2 years. I broke up with him 5 weeks ago because I reached my breaking point.
Honestly, I think it just takes a lot of time. You can't and won't just "stop loving him" one day. Wish it was that easy...I have a feeling you will always love him. I will always love my EXABF. But, right now you need to love yourself more. You need to make YOU and YOUR SON #1 in your life. The hurt will ease up after awhile. Have faith that it will get better...becaues i promise it will. He has lied and disrespected you (i'm assuming more than once.) Is that the kind of man you want to be in a relationship with? Is that the kind of man you deserve? He is clearly not ready to stay clean, be in a healthy relationship with you, or be a good role model for your son. These are hard things to accept. I don't really have any advice for you...I would just urge you to think about these things. Also, like others said, I would just limit contact as much as possible.
Keep coming back here to post! Hang in there
How do I get past this? How do I stop loving him? How can I stop hurting?
Keep coming back here to post! Hang in there
IsItAlright
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: rainbow
Posts: 157
Oh dear...
We have similar story and I'm sad in bed since Wed. He kicked me out at 5am in the morning after he was drinking and probably high on cocaine too even tho he denied. We argued and I mentioned about I've sound his flirty messages with other women in fb. He blamed me for snooping around too.
I was so angry and threw glass as he didn't respect me by kicking me out at 5am!!!! I slapped in his face too. He choked my neck and pushed me against the wall. The back of my head was swollen... And it ended up with police...
He and his cocaine addict flatmate keep accusing me for being crazy and psycho for months. I guess it's just because I'm not a user and don't even drink. And whenever they said that they have to call drug dealer, I got so mad... Cried, plead, yell, threw things...
I'm seeing councelor which is for the family and partner of drug users. She relieved me by telling me not listening to them. I'm not crazy... They are the one who drive us crazy and all nice ladies would go crazy in such situation
We have similar story and I'm sad in bed since Wed. He kicked me out at 5am in the morning after he was drinking and probably high on cocaine too even tho he denied. We argued and I mentioned about I've sound his flirty messages with other women in fb. He blamed me for snooping around too.
I was so angry and threw glass as he didn't respect me by kicking me out at 5am!!!! I slapped in his face too. He choked my neck and pushed me against the wall. The back of my head was swollen... And it ended up with police...
He and his cocaine addict flatmate keep accusing me for being crazy and psycho for months. I guess it's just because I'm not a user and don't even drink. And whenever they said that they have to call drug dealer, I got so mad... Cried, plead, yell, threw things...
I'm seeing councelor which is for the family and partner of drug users. She relieved me by telling me not listening to them. I'm not crazy... They are the one who drive us crazy and all nice ladies would go crazy in such situation
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