dreamuplife

My name is Arianna.
I'm addicted to cocaine.
I'm high as I type this.

A little about myself:
I'm 18 years old, I have dreams. I'm a bartender at my grandfathers bar. I have my own place, in Florida. I thought I had a good head on my shoulders and that I was going to start college this month. I was wrong.

My story:
I got a taste of cocaine from making out with someone at a party in late December of 2012. It's like getting herpes from a toilet seat. It's not your fault, but at the same time it is because you didn't take proper precautions. I did my first actual line on New Year's Eve. In the first couple weeks after trying coke, I did it about four or five times. About two weeks after that, it became a weekend thing. In the middle of February, a man came into my life. He made me realize I'm addicted about a week ago. Upon leaving his house one morning he said I'd be 100% without my habit. He continued to say, "I know it's just a weekend thing, but it's Wednesday." After leaving his house, I thought to myself and I honestly couldn't remember the last day I went without coke. I still don't. On Sunday I said I was having my last hoorah for a month. 100 dollars later I was up until 10 am Monday morning. I went the rest of the day without it. Because I slept until 11pm. Tuesday came around and I tried to quit again. My dealer came into the bar and asked me if I needed some and I said no, I don't have the money for it. He handed me a bag and said you owe me. I couldn't resist. Wednesday I said again, I'm going to kick it. Some friends came into work asking if I wanted to be bad, and I couldn't pass up the opportunity so I proceeded to call my dealer. $60 dollars later, I'm at it again. I was up until 8 o'clock Thursday morning and slept until 5:30pm. But I had some left over so I had that for breakfast. Yes that's my version of breakfast. When that was gone I went to work, where my dealer came in to get his money for the bag he gave me. I gave it to him. About 3 hours later he came back, and I bought a bag. Now here I am, with a bag of yay, my ID, a ten dollar bill, and two packs of cigarettes. Typing this.

Thinking to myself:

Will this ever end?
When was the last time I wasn't high?
Which line is it that's going to kill me?

All questions I cannot answer.

dreamuplife

To all you guests reading, please join this. We may be able to help each other.

coffeetogo

Welcome to SR, you will get a lot of support here. I am on Day 5.

You need to quit. You need to reprogramme yourself.

When your dealer calls, you need to say "No, I quit", not I dont have the money.

You are here because you have had enough. You do not want to be doing this in 5, 10, 20 years.

Just stop. You owe yourself the opportunity to go to college.

dreamuplife

I wish I could "Just stop." I don't know how, that's why I'm here. I didn't know I couldn't just stop until I actually tried.

coffeetogo

The first thing is to try stop. You will get help here.

Good luck Arianna, you are in my thoughts.

coffeetogo

You have 2 options.

1. Stop and things will get better
2. Continue and things will get worse

Just say no. 1 day at a time.

CentralParkGirl

I feel for you. Would it be easier to text your dealer and just say you don't need anymore? That way it's a bit easier than actually facing him. I'd do that but you might feel different...

dreamuplife

He comes into my job, and I can't quit my job. That's the tough part about that, it's not my dealers problem. It's mine. But I need to actually say that to someone. It's easy to say "I'm addicted" online. It's very hard to say in reality. Especially when the only people who know that you do it, are users themselves.

bigsombrero

When I first tried coke I had the same experience. One of the things you might want to try for starters is looking for a new job. I know it's not easy to just up and quit, there are obvious consequences and a million excuses why you can't - but working in a bar you will find nothing but trouble. I know because I was also a bartender and at one point was doing coke in the bathroom during my shifts. The 'bar crowd' is always going to be filled with drug addicts, alcoholics, and the overall scene is short-sighted and unhealthy.

I just got sober 8 months ago so I'm no genius, but there's no way in hell I could have done it while working at a bar. Those 3am-4am closing shifts, the need to be "on" and awake late into the nights, sleeping until noon, etc - all of these things are breeding grounds for potential addictions. Again I know it's not what you want to hear, but there are some fundamental changes you need to look into in order to achieve what you're looking for...sobriety. I hope you agree and think about it!
Best to you!

CentralParkGirl

Very true. Summon all your courage and strength, and try your hardest. All you need to say is one word to him - no. It'll be hard but so worth it.

bigsombrero

And there you have it - as if on cue you have already said that you can't quit your job. But your dealer comes to your job. You're surrounded by alcohol, drinking, late nights, and people who are not going to be supportive of your choices. I really think this is an important thing.

You can find a million ways not to quit that job. But this is your life we're talking about, clearly this is a serious problem you're having or you wouldn't be here. As I said in my last post, I know it's not what you want to hear and you've already said you "can't quit". Yes, you can. If your grandfather knew what you were doing he'd be right by your side and support your choices. There are plenty of service jobs out there - why not check craigslist or something and see?

dreamuplife

Thank you. I just need the will power and support. This isn't the first drug I've had issues with. I've been using since I was 14, with brief periods of sobriety. I don't need people telling me to "just stop" because it makes it harder. Everyone handles and goes through things differently. If it were that easy for me, I would've done it already. Please don't take that as disrespectful. I do appreciate the advice. I don't believe it will be painless, because I do it so I don't have to think about my pain. But I also don't believe it will be impossible. Maybe I haven't been doing this drug for very long, but that doesn't make me any less of an addict. I've just found a new flavor.

dreamuplife

I don't want anyone to think I'm dismissing the "just stop" because I know that's what has to be done. I just need advice on how to deal with things. I plan on waking up tomorrow morning with today behind my back. I'll have a wonderful Saturday, where I'll go and see one of my favorite bands. I just wish there was a way to not think about it at all. I read a post earlier that said every time she thought about taking another hit or another drink, she said not and option. This is what I hope I have the strength to do.

bigsombrero

Do you have confidence that you can go to a concert on Saturday and not use or drink? If so then go for it. If not, then once again this is something you might want to avoid. I hate to sound like the old guy who doesn't understand - but trust me, I do. When you rid yourself of this stuff you have to rethink what the word "fun" means and usually in the beginning that means learning to enjoy sober moments. Again I'm on your side! Just want to help, and this is just my advice in speaking from my own experience. Since you are here in the first place that shows you've got the right thinking - but you did also say you were high when you wrote this and I assume you still might be awake at 6am because you've been up all night using. Making decisions about your life with a sober mind is a more effective way to go about starting the process!

dreamuplife

I do have that confidence. All I have to do is make it to the show without buying any coke. Once I get there I won't know anyone who has it. I'm 18 so I can't drink in bars. I don't normally drink anyhow.

dreamuplife

I also haven't done a line in 2 hours. I'd say I'm pretty sober right now. But that is part of the reason I have been up all night. I'm still very serious about everything I wrote when I was high.

Tamerua

Hi Arianna, have you looked at NA? I'm not sure where you are in Florida but there are lots of groups all over (I am in the Tampa Bay Area). You're right, it isn't as easy as just stop. But once you have a plan, it will be easier to stop.

Good luck!

dreamuplife

I have been looking at NA. I'm thinking about maybe joining a group. I found the 12 steps. But I'm looking at the proactive twelve steps. I'm not a religious person, so the traditional 12 steps are a little hard to swallow for me.

Tamerua

That's totally understandable. I'm not religious at all either and I am doing AA, I just couldn't do it alone or only with SR.

dreamuplife

Good luck with everything. The replies have been awesome on here. I'm glad I came across SR.