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Cracked Out!

Old 03-14-2013, 11:37 PM
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Cracked Out!

Anyone else feel this way during the initial part of sobriety? I imagine so but it's really weird. I was hooked on meth in my late teens early 20's and kicked it only by the grace of God and haven't touched the stuff (or any hard drug for that matter) in over 10 years. I'm finishing off Day 7 of complete abstinence from all alcohol and mind altering substances (no pot, no xanax though prescribed by doctor, both actually). So I'm sober and clean. This is the second time in maybe 16 years that I have experienced true sobriety and I feel 100% like I'm back on meth. I feel totally high on sobriety and it kinda freaks me out. Maybe too much coffee at the meeting tonight and I must switch to decaf from here on out at evening meetings. Anyway, wondering how many folks experience this feeling of being high while sober. Maybe it's the newness of being completely aware....it's such a new feeling.

On a side note, I'm truly baffled by alcohol today. I finally worked up the courage to ask my boss for a raise (it's long overdue) and I told myself as I was walking into his office to talk to him, that if I didn't get what I asked for that I would drink. Well, I got what I asked for and as soon as he said yes to my request, I immediately made the decision in my mind to celebrate with drink. I told myself this would be okay - I justified it right there...amazing. For some reason, a small voice inside of me told me not to hit the bottle of scotch in the office and just leave feeling good about the raise. I drove home and called my my wife to say we'd celebrate with a case of beer. She asked if I really wanted that and I told her absolutely, I'd probably regret it in the morning, but I had already made up my mind. I drove to the liquor store, sat in the car, decided I am truly an alcoholic, and drove home without the beer. I don't know how, but I did. And I celebrated my raise by going to Taco Bell with my wife (haha) followed by a long Beginner's Meeting and it was the best decision I could have made. I am blown away at how tricky this **** is.

Unreal. For me, I feel that for now I have no choice but to go to a meeting every day. I sent a text to a guy that offered to be my sponsor because I'm realizing this is beyond me. I will call him tomorrow if I don't hear back and I will find someone else if he doesn't return the call. I feel I have no other choice at this time or I will drink. Hell, I'm scared I might anyway, but will do anything at this point. I'm really proud of myself and haven't felt this way in a long time. I'm blessed to have such a supportive wife and family. Behind me all the way. Saying prayers for everyone else struggling tonight and sorry for the long post. Like I said, i feel like I'm tweaked out and hoping this feeling calms down soon. Time to play music and read some alcoholic recovery literature. Good luck everyone. Damn this is a crazy ride.
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Old 03-15-2013, 01:12 AM
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Man, today was an epic win for you! You faced down The Beast and it blinked first! Just don't get too cocky!

That sooo used to be me! If I had a $hitty day I drowned it in three bottles of wine. Of course that made the next day worse, leading to needing to drink more. And naturally the good days called for a celebration...which was always a few more bottles of wine.

It feels so good to get off that treadmill, and I kick myself that I didn't do it 20 years sooner! Stay strong, you're doing good!
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Old 03-15-2013, 05:15 AM
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Sounds like the Pink Cloud.

The pink cloud is the feeling of euphoria after quitting. Be careful as it may disappear one day. I say may as it also may not.

Work those steps of recovery! That is the program of action and change. I worked them quickly and early and my pink cloud lasted a while.

Reality may set in and feeling comfortable was uncomfortable for me as it was new.

Just stay strong, stay stopped, and keep moving forward.

Congrats on staying stopped!!!!!!!
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Old 03-15-2013, 09:15 AM
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Thanks guys. I hear you Myth on not getting too cocky...I've heard from a lot of folks that this can quickly set you up for relapse. I'm doing my best to humbly work the program and am going to pick up a sponsor today if I don't hear back from the guy I asked last night. Sugarbear, thank you and I guess I'm in that pink cloud as you say.

Only got about three hours of sleep last night and tired today. Spent my awake hours reading the Big Book late into the night, highlighting the heck out of it and making notes. I've had my BB since 1999 and it's just now being used. I am amazed at how much I can relate to that book and am really trying to be open and absorb what it has to offer. I did read something last night about acceptance and the first step bringing some real and lasting healing.....I hope that is part of what I'm feeling. Wish I would have opened this book up many years ago. Have a great weekend and thanks guys for your responses.
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Old 03-15-2013, 09:35 AM
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We alcoholics are animals of extremes.

I remember my first sponsor saying to me that if I hang around AA long enough that I will come to a point where I can control my emotions rather than them controlling me .

Sounded like a "pie-in-the-sky" promise but it is coming true.

All the best.

Bob R
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Old 03-15-2013, 09:55 AM
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Thanks 2granddaughters. Yeah, honestly, I can't even pinpoint what I'm feeling but know so far it's better than the feeling of waking up hungover or shame/guilt from drinking. I also know I'm still deep in the woods. Glad I went to the beginner's meeting last night and this particular meeting has been held at the same spot since 1945 with a ton of history on the walls and retired chips of people that lived and passed away sober from the program. I got my first AA chip for 24 hrs. I always declined them in the past thinking it was silly and kinda feel silly that something so small can mean so much to me now. Carrying in my pocket today along with a list of guys in case I'm getting ancy at 5:00 (or noon for that matter). Another meeting tonight.
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Old 03-15-2013, 10:07 AM
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I'm really glad that you got through the evening without drinking. Each situation like that will give you more confidence.
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Old 03-15-2013, 11:12 AM
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You inspired me.

I am so glad I read RiverFriend's post.
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Old 03-15-2013, 11:23 AM
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Not my favorite choice for a thread title in a drug and alcohol recovery forum.. but I'm really happy that you're doing so well
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