Crazed

I spoke with EX today - yes I know I should be No Contact. From an earlier post I had written on Saturday, she relapsed this weekend after about 40 days. Apparently it was a Saturday/Sunday bender. In an attempt to do the right thing and get back on track, she called her IOP counselor Monday morning and came clean. The IOP counselor came back and recommended full in-patient treatment. Since a 30 day absence would cause her to lose her job, she (along with her personal therapist, as well as AA sponsor) believe this would be detrimental to her recovery and mental health. So based on their recommendation, she refused the in-patient program. So they discharged her from IOP.

I know this is a consequence of her actions. But I think it is BS that she gets removed from IOP, which her attendance was completely voluntary (not court mandated, nothing like a term of probation, etc). She is an individual off the street, trying to get help, and paying nicely for it. She has never missed a session, done all the assignments, etc.

Has anyone else seen something like this? Seems like a harsh punishment for someone that is trying to do the right thing, but made a mistake - then tries to do the right thing by owning up to it.

Comments?

SparkleKitty

Since you only have her side of the story, I would gently suggest it is not your concern whether or not they are doing the right thing. You have no power over the the IOP counselor and no insight into their reasoning. You will merely twist yourself into more knots trying to work it out. Her recovery is her responsibility and her worry.

Impurrfect

((Crazed)) - I was in IOP. We were a pretty close-knit group, and what one did affected the others, whether it was right or not.

One person relapsed for a day, and they were allowed to get back into IOP. Another, relapsed and as children were involved (his kids were hurt in a meth explosion) he was not allowed back in.

I can only say this, as both an RA and a recovering codie. If it weren't for the consequences of my actions, I would not be in recovery. A relapse in IOP basically shows that IOP isn't working for that person.

I'm sorry she's losing her job, but I lost a career to my addiction. FWIW, I was in IOP, doing well, but met a "friend" who introduced me to crack. My "graduation night" I was high, but my counselors didn't catch on.

Am I proud of this? Oh he!! no! It makes me sick to think about it. What I found out was that I had to hit MY bottom and IOP was just a stepping stone. To this day, I use recovery tools that I learned there.

I wasn't court-mandated to IOP, either. I went voluntarily. I highly suggest you allow her to deal with her consequences and step back. Hard to do? Yes, I know, as I have many loved ones who are still active. I can only tell you what worked for me....dealing with the consequences of my actions.

Starting my 6th year in recovery, and I wouldn't BE here if it weren't for the darned consequences and my loved ones allowing me to face them.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

AnvilheadII

as others have said, ALL you have to go on is HER version...which if memory serves me correct isn't perhaps the best source for the TRUTH.

regardless....there were rules, she broke them and then "refused" their recommendation for in patient. IOP doesn't kick folks out willy nilly, if they didn't cut addicts SOME slack there'd be a lot of empty meeting rooms!!!!

so once again, not your problem, not your fight. :codiepolice

LexieCat

And I STRONGLY suggest you not feed into her "victim" mentality--how this is so UNFAIR. Yada yada. AA is free. She has a sponsor AND a therapist. More "help" isn't what she needs.

I also can't help but notice that you are still disregarding her sponsor's recommendation of no contact.

Crazed

Thanks. I know it is not my issue, not my deal, not my problem. I am not trying to fix, etc. I am just surprised that a voluntary IOP program would kick anyone out. It seems like a hospital saying, "sorry you are bleeding- cant help you."

SparkleKitty

They have limited resources and they have to allocate them as they see fit.

Impurrfect

((Crazed)) - Sorry, but as a former ER nurse, I have to say this. I worked in an indigent care hospital where many homeless and/or drug addicts came in. We would patch them up to the best of our ability, refer them to help.

At some point, the "patient" has to take care of THEIR responsibilities. IOP is a tool, and it's up to the addict whether they use it or not.

I took care of more crack addicts, as a nurse, than I can count. Was terrified of the drug, went on to become a crack addict. In the end, it was up to ME to use the tools I was given, or not. I thank each and everyone of the A's I took care of for showing me where I might be had I not chosen recovery.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Crazed

And not to come off as defensive, but she is not playing the victim card. She understands this is her consequence, not at all talking "poor me", not blaming or being angry at the facility or the counselor. She f'ed up, knows it, is admitting it, accepted the decision, and trying to move forward. She feels that telling the truth was the right thing to do, even though she got dismissed. The question was purely from my curiosity, not hers.

Then again, maybe she is lying about it all.

Crazed

... And I have been reading the ongoing thread about "how to handle relapse."
It seems like that IOP counselor wants the guy back in, since relapse is common.

HopefulmomtoD

I mentioned in the other thread that I was surprised. My son wasn't allowed in IOP following a detox when he tested positive for alcohol. His was not court ordered either.

Impurrfect

((Crazed)) - Sorry, but it seems to me that you are focusing more on what has "been done to her" than what may have happened? If I'm wrong, I apologize, but then I'm a codie and have done the same.

Most IOP counselors are long-term RA's. They pass on what the info, ES&H that was given to them. I've known of people in various IOP programs that had to sign a contract that if they relapsed, they would be referred to more intensive treatment. Mine didn't (with stipulations like they guy who's children were hurt in a meth explosion, and that was more the courts than the IOP). FWIW, his WIFE and mother to the kids was in the same group, and grabbed onto IOP as the lifeline that it offered.

I'm sorry all this is going on, I really am. But relapse is not a joke. The one I had damned near killed me. This isn't all being done TO her, she brought the consequences on herself and it's up to her to make things right...or not.

It's obvious you care, but this is something she has to do for herself. Maybe giving her the dignity to deal with life as it's thrown at you can be a major gift? It was for me. I learned to deal with a whole lot of hurdles and keep moving forward.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

CeciliaV

Hi Crazed...so sorry to hear about the relapse and the subsequent dismissal from IOP. I know, it seems crazy to kick someone out if they are asking for help. All we have to go on here is what she told you, and not that I'm going to say for certain that she's lying, but one thing I have learned through all this is that addicts do lie to protect their addictions. If she really did reach out for help and was honest, it's a damn shame that she's not able to go back to her IOP.

As for my husband's counselor wanting to get him back to IOP? I dunno. He says that he sees such potential in my DH. I see it too, but I also see the addict - that is who/what is standing in my kitchen right now attempting to make dinner, not my husband. Yes, relapse is common. Yes, what DH says is that he hasn't given up entirely on himself and on sobriety/recovery. But like your EX, my DH has other tools beside IOP that he can choose to use or not use. We can only hope for their sakes that they take advantage of those tools and use them, and for us, we can hope that we grow stronger in our own recovery processes.

Sending you strength & hugs

AnvilheadII

She feels that telling the truth was the right thing to do, even though she got dismissed.

right because the alternative THEY offered her after she admittedly violated the rules was unacceptable to her.

if you were NO contact, none of this would affect your world one bit. if you were truly detached your response would simply be, huh, well i'm sure you'll figure something out.

Crazed

That was pretty much my exact response to her. My questioning is not to her, it is to the sober recovery forum.

Tuffgirl

I remember how much it used to irk me when I would post questions about my XAH and get the responses above. *SIGH* but everyone is spot on. It isn't any of your business or concern. You don't even need to know why the IOP would discharge her. It's none of your business.

Crazed, I sense some frustration, and I understand it. But this is a learning lesson for you, not a shut down. It's to learn to not worry about her, her choices, her consequences, or ask "why, why why?!!" to every thing she shares with you. It's called detachment. And if you were truly detached, you wouldn't have posted this. Now, don't get defensive - again, the reason why we all recognize it is because we have all been there, in our own way. It's so easy to see it in you. It is so familiar!

Don't worry about it. She will either get help or not. She may relapse again and again and again before it finally sticks. She may go back to drinking and never stop until it kills her. She may get abducted by aliens. Bottom line is don't let her life become yours. It doesn't matter. And its a lot of wasted time and energy.

Peace,
~T

redatlanta

Perhaps IOP is correct - maybe at this time and the level of her addiction an inpatient program is the only thing they feel to be a proper action. She had the option - she didn't take it. They discharged her.

In as much as I have read rules in recovery aren't made to be broken or to conform to the lifestyle of the addict including work. Work is next on the list of things that used to be if she doesn' t get her s**t together.

Why would she lose her job? has she already taken FMLA this year? She should be protected to keep her job under FMLA.........

Recovering2

I say this kindly...you are still not respecting her sponsor's request that you remain no contact, and you are still focused on her. If you're worried about her recovery, then do what you can do to be of assistance....and that's what her sponsor has already told you. You're interfering, not helping. "yes I know I should be No Contact." How is that different than "Yes I know I should be No Drinking" for the A? She has her work to do, but you have your work to do also. Respect her sponsor, trust that her sponsor knows best, and let go.