codie moment! help!!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
codie moment! help!!!!
Ok so... last night I went to a graduation service for one of his friends in the program. He nodded once during the speaking. It also was 6:30 at night and he had been awake since 4. He went to change out of his suit and when he came back and got in the car he snuffled his nose once. Later, he scratched his head in frustration, again only once. He says he wants to stay and graduate the program like his friends did. He wants the music job they are offering. He is passing his drug tests. What do I do!?!? nothing right!? I think he hasn't used but the fear is there. How the heck would I know and why the heck is this doubt there???
Also he owes the courts old fines and they are threatening removing him from the program if he does not pay up. He can go before the judge and request an extension, or he can switch to outpatient and pay the fines. I am afraid. Please help me
Also he owes the courts old fines and they are threatening removing him from the program if he does not pay up. He can go before the judge and request an extension, or he can switch to outpatient and pay the fines. I am afraid. Please help me
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
These are HIS problems...right? He knows that he owes these fines, let him figure it out for himself.
As for the drug tests, who knows what tomorrow will bring, this is all up to him, not you.
Put the cover back on the piano, take the violin out of it's case and start taking your lessons again.
Translated, stop focusing on him, focus on you and your issues, and, get to some meetings.
As for the drug tests, who knows what tomorrow will bring, this is all up to him, not you.
Put the cover back on the piano, take the violin out of it's case and start taking your lessons again.
Translated, stop focusing on him, focus on you and your issues, and, get to some meetings.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Lily)) - I admit, I would be suspicious of the sniffling, but thanks to the folks here, this is what I would do.
Sit still and let more be resolved. If he was using? It will come out, eventually, through his actions. If not? YAY, I was WRONG for once!!!
His consequences are his, you have nothing to do with all of this as far as that goes.
FWIW, I'm both an RA and a recovering codie who has several people in active addiction in my life. I work MY recovery, I allow them to live their life as they have chosen.
Yes, I feel sad when they don't value recovery or keep using. The big difference between the me I used to be and the me I am now? It's THEIR decision, THEIR consequences, and I just let it go.
Not an easy place to be, but thanks to everyone here, I've found that it works best and I'm okay with it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Sit still and let more be resolved. If he was using? It will come out, eventually, through his actions. If not? YAY, I was WRONG for once!!!
His consequences are his, you have nothing to do with all of this as far as that goes.
FWIW, I'm both an RA and a recovering codie who has several people in active addiction in my life. I work MY recovery, I allow them to live their life as they have chosen.
Yes, I feel sad when they don't value recovery or keep using. The big difference between the me I used to be and the me I am now? It's THEIR decision, THEIR consequences, and I just let it go.
Not an easy place to be, but thanks to everyone here, I've found that it works best and I'm okay with it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
I will not pay his fines. I will not pay his fines. I will not pay his fines. I will not pay his fines. I will not pay his fines. Its does not matter he paid ds doctor. I will not pay his fines. I will not pay his fines.
he didn't ask me to.
I will not pay his fines. I will not pay his fines. lions and tigers and bears oh my!
he didn't ask me to.
I will not pay his fines. I will not pay his fines. lions and tigers and bears oh my!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
I remember those days, I will not, I will not, I WILL NOT!
Damn it …. I will not, I can not, I must not…
I loved that …. he didn’t ask you to. Smart to write that one, because I know how hard it is not to volunteer to help. But he doesn’t need help that hinders him and doing for him what he can do himself is a hindrance and will keep him trapped. See him as capable always.
It is such a conscious effort and yet if you keep practicing it gets easier and you will get that focus switched.
Another trick is to give him an allotted time in your head each day. Maybe 10 minutes max, where you can run wild then be done. And I mean it done till the next day. Note book optional, but if you can write it out, and then put the book away each day….read a week or 2 later see where you might be stuck and need extra work. Journaling is really awesome, it was my lifeline and a great reference for what I was hung up on.
At night, right before bed write again or make a god/worry box….write what is worrying you on a slip of paper put it in box for god to worry about.
Another favorite, laying on the floor in front of the stereo speakers, cranked up LOUD. That will clear your head!
Any trick anyone wrote of I tried, music and writing saved me from myself. We really are the cause of 99.9 percent of our problems, once we see that it gets even easier. There are so many much more interesting and fulfilling things we can be doing with our time. No control plays here, when you realize this is way, way out of your hands you tend not to hold on so tight to it.
Worry is normal, irrational worry based on irrational fears is not.
And fear drives most of that hypersensitivity to each quirky behavior….
Take good care of YOU!
Damn it …. I will not, I can not, I must not…
I loved that …. he didn’t ask you to. Smart to write that one, because I know how hard it is not to volunteer to help. But he doesn’t need help that hinders him and doing for him what he can do himself is a hindrance and will keep him trapped. See him as capable always.
It is such a conscious effort and yet if you keep practicing it gets easier and you will get that focus switched.
Another trick is to give him an allotted time in your head each day. Maybe 10 minutes max, where you can run wild then be done. And I mean it done till the next day. Note book optional, but if you can write it out, and then put the book away each day….read a week or 2 later see where you might be stuck and need extra work. Journaling is really awesome, it was my lifeline and a great reference for what I was hung up on.
At night, right before bed write again or make a god/worry box….write what is worrying you on a slip of paper put it in box for god to worry about.
Another favorite, laying on the floor in front of the stereo speakers, cranked up LOUD. That will clear your head!
Any trick anyone wrote of I tried, music and writing saved me from myself. We really are the cause of 99.9 percent of our problems, once we see that it gets even easier. There are so many much more interesting and fulfilling things we can be doing with our time. No control plays here, when you realize this is way, way out of your hands you tend not to hold on so tight to it.
Worry is normal, irrational worry based on irrational fears is not.
And fear drives most of that hypersensitivity to each quirky behavior….
Take good care of YOU!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
thank you silence. I have a journal to god and one just about me and one about him. I love journaling. I just recently went back and made editors notes in the margins things like "oh girl he was lying" etc and then on the last page before I got these new ones I wrote I should publish it and entitle it "inside the mind of a codependent" 
haha. He is capable. thank you for saying that. I am capable of allowing him to be capable. I am going to walk away from this guy if he relapses. He can find me when he's sober. sitting on my hands concerning him. Dolly once told me there are plenty of non addict guys.
Im also concerned about the other addicts in my life, My sister is in a spiral. my brother as well. I seem to obsess a lot more when the addicts are in early recovery than when they are using, or have a significant (2 years or more) amount of clean time. why???? how can I fix this about myself. I know it is a problem I have.
when they're using and say they don't want help I can let go. when they are sober and clean a long time I can let go, but that first year drives me nuts. why???? I've experienced this many times. how do I fix it? this is my first time working the steps and I still stuck on 4 and 5. I go back to 1 and bam... 4 feels like a mountain. I want to make it to 6... how????
haha. He is capable. thank you for saying that. I am capable of allowing him to be capable. I am going to walk away from this guy if he relapses. He can find me when he's sober. sitting on my hands concerning him. Dolly once told me there are plenty of non addict guys.Im also concerned about the other addicts in my life, My sister is in a spiral. my brother as well. I seem to obsess a lot more when the addicts are in early recovery than when they are using, or have a significant (2 years or more) amount of clean time. why???? how can I fix this about myself. I know it is a problem I have.
when they're using and say they don't want help I can let go. when they are sober and clean a long time I can let go, but that first year drives me nuts. why???? I've experienced this many times. how do I fix it? this is my first time working the steps and I still stuck on 4 and 5. I go back to 1 and bam... 4 feels like a mountain. I want to make it to 6... how????
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Time, that will be your key as will getting healthy in your own right.
How do you not worry, and it isn’t really the worry, it is when it goes to obsessed or fixated. There is a balance and you will find it.
Love the editors marks in the margins. We do learn best through our own words. Nothing taught me as much about myself as my journal did. I was totally open there, and I don’t know there was something about putting it all on paper that made it so real. I couldn’t deny the truth it was staring back at me in my own words.
A bit of a trick with the steps, sometimes it takes doing step four to really understand where the 1st three fit in in terms of how you feel. Are you working at step 4 from all 3 parts, from as far back as you can remember until the present? Step 4 teaches and just as long as you don’t do that 1, 2, 3, rinse repeat, 1, 2, 3 twisted dance you will be ok.
Take care!
How do you not worry, and it isn’t really the worry, it is when it goes to obsessed or fixated. There is a balance and you will find it.
Love the editors marks in the margins. We do learn best through our own words. Nothing taught me as much about myself as my journal did. I was totally open there, and I don’t know there was something about putting it all on paper that made it so real. I couldn’t deny the truth it was staring back at me in my own words.
A bit of a trick with the steps, sometimes it takes doing step four to really understand where the 1st three fit in in terms of how you feel. Are you working at step 4 from all 3 parts, from as far back as you can remember until the present? Step 4 teaches and just as long as you don’t do that 1, 2, 3, rinse repeat, 1, 2, 3 twisted dance you will be ok.
Take care!
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