I finally prayed for him...

Old 03-14-2013, 09:14 AM
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I finally prayed for him...

Last night, before I fell asleep, laying in bed in the dark, I prayed out loud. First for myself, that since God has brought me to this, I pray that he also gives me the strength to get through it, and that I come out the other side healthier and happier. And then I prayed for the same thing for C, that whatever he is going through, for whatever reason he has been brought to this point in his life, that God gives him the strength to get through it and come out the other side healthier and happier.

I thought I would feel some sort of relief in praying for him, some sort of 'healing'....but all I felt was sadness. Sadness for what could have been had he been willing to take a REAL chance on us, sadness that what we had is now gone (yes, even if it wasn't all that great and was one-sided) and sadness for the person he has become, a person that seems so far removed not only from the person he was all those years ago, but even so far removed from the person he was just a short time ago.

Every morning I wake up with such a heaviness in my heart and it stays with me all day. Even though the crying jags are less frequent, not a day has passed without my eyes filling up with tears at least once and usually it's more like several times. And the heartache remains, always waiting for the slightest thought or reminder of him to painfully twist my heart until I feel like I can't take it. And I don't know why, but I just keep seeing very blatant 'signs' that remind me of him, not just seeing/hearing his name all the time, but other, more 'slap in the face' kind of signs that are hard to ignore or reason away... I'm a person who believes in fate and destiny and signs and all that, so my question is WHY am I seeing these signs NOW, after he's already gone?? I used to see signs all the time when we were seeing each other, and I always took them as good signs telling me to keep hanging in there, because no sooner would I see one, I'd hear from him, and it just happened so often that it didn't seem like it could be coincidental. So what are these signs now telling me?? He's GONE, he's cut me out of his life, there's nothing to 'hang in there' for anymore.... It's driving me crazy and I just wish I knew why this seems to be happening now.

I was grateful to find a CoDA meeting in my area, and it meets tonight. I'm hopeful that it will be a good fit, but am holding my reservations. I was originally going to go to an Al-Anon meeting tonight, but I think in the long run, the CoDA will be more helpful. I could see if were were still seeing each other, then the Al-Anon would help me to better understand his behavior and deal with it, and I'm not saying that there isn't a part of me that is still struggling to understand his behavior...but since he is out of my life, I figure I need to concentrate more on me and why I'm continually attracted to these types of harmful, futureless relationships. I also left two messages for a therapist, but have yet to hear back from him, which is starting to make me feel disheartened. I know people are busy or maybe he's away or something, but it's disappointing that I finally got up the courage to call someone and haven't heard back....seems to be the story of my life, always chasing people who can't be bothered. I suppose if I don't hear back again today, I'll have to try another doctor.

Hoping I'm out of this funk and feeling better soon... As always, thanks for listening.
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Old 03-15-2013, 12:02 AM
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I'm sorry you are struggling EverHopeful. I am glad you are praying though. I have started praying much more also and I believe it has been helping. It is nice to just give it over to God. I just pray that God will help me through this and that He will protect my EX and hopefully guide him to a good path. We are not in control anymore.

I'm not sure about the signs.... I've never really had that experience. But like you said, he is gone. It is hard to accept that....
What have you been doing to distract yourself since the breakup? Have you been hanging around more friends? Family? Shopping? I find that I get really depressed when I stay isolated. I stay fairly busy and plan things to do in my day so that I don't have too much time to think.
Hope the therapist calls you back soon. If not, yes I would try another one. Hope your CoDa meeting went well! I've never been to one, only Al-Anon.

Hang in there.
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Old 03-15-2013, 06:01 AM
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I'm glad to hear that you are taking steps to take care of you. That's HUGE! It's things like that that keep me coming back to SR. Reading about someone who has been torn up by their addicted loved one finally realizing that they need to help themselves....first and foremost.

I hope your meeting goes well. Hang in there on the therapist....you never know.....they may be on vacation right now or something. Or it may just be a sign that you need to call a different therapist. Just keep plugging away....working on you.....you're worth it.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 03-15-2013, 12:13 PM
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Thank you, pianogirl and Kindeyes, for the support.

The CoDA meeting was not quite what I expected, and I'm not sure that it's really 'for me.' I've never been to a 12-step meeting of any kind, but I guess I thought that the 'sharing' would be more of a give and take, like you share something and the other members give some sort of feedback. I didn't realize that you just share your story and then everyone just sits there in silence until someone else shares. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it, and perhaps at a later date, it may help me. But right now, maybe because I'm still in the very early stages or maybe just because of how I am, I need to be able to share and get some kind of feedback, definitely more of a give and take. I'm tempted to try that Al-Anon meeting that I gave up going to last night in favor of the CoDA meeting, but if it's the same kind of thing, I don't think that will help me right now. Right now, the SR community does an amazing job of giving me the give and take that I really need right now.

And some good news - that therapist called me back yesterday afternoon! He said that the number listed on the internet is not a good number to reach him at, that he has a lot of trouble retrieving messages from that number and gave me a better number to reach him. My appt is still a week and a half away, and even then, the first appt is more a 'get to know each other, see if we click' kinda thing, so I still won't be able to get into the nitty-gritty right away, but I also appreciate that initial 'try out' appt, because (surprise, surprise!) I have trouble saying no to people or feeling like I'm letting them down. And that was one of my fears about going to a therapist, that what if I didn't feel comfortable around them but didn't have the nerve to tell them I don't want to continue treating with them. So I'm glad I can see if I feel comfortable with this guy before moving ahead and most likely sharing some very intimate details of my life with him!!

Other than that, I've joined a gym, and I might start crocheting again. Out of all the hobbies I've ever tried, my two favorites were crocheting and jewelry-making. I'm not really feeling the jewelry-making right now, but I think crocheting will help to calm my mind while being therapeutic at the same time. Then I thought, well what am I going to do with all these blankets?? And then I thought, maybe I could donate them to a homeless shelter or something like that? In the past, I volunteered several times to cook/serve at a homeless shelter and it always made me feel so good to help people who are struggling and also made me so much more appreciative of how blessed I actually am. In addition, I ordered Women Who Love Too Much, Codependent No More and Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl: The Definitive Guide to Understanding Emotionally Unavailable Men and the Women Who Love Them, so I have some good reading to keep me busy!!

I still have a long way to go, and some days are definitely worse than others, especially when that searing pain comes from out of the blue and knocks me down again, but for now at least, for this exact moment in time, I'm doing okay. Thanks for caring.
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Old 03-15-2013, 05:02 PM
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Ever hopeful - if you go to an al anon meeting and inquire about sponsorship you can get more back and forth discussion. You can also exchange phone numbers with some members or get the group phone list and call someone to ask if they can listen to your story and talk with you - rather than the "no cross talk" style you've been encountering at the meetings. Also, if you tell someone at the meeting that you are new and really need to talk often someone will volunteer to step out of the meeting with you so you can share one on one. I did that once and it was really helpful. Glad you're getting some in person help. xo
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Old 03-15-2013, 05:21 PM
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Thank you for the feedback, shinebright - maybe I'll try that. ((hugs))
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Old 03-15-2013, 05:53 PM
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I'm so glad that you are doing all these things for you! Donating some blankets to a homeless shelter or somewhere like that sounds like a great idea. Helping others can be so beneficial to ourselves... Fun and rewarding! Glad the therapist called you back and you have an appt. I know what you mean about the 12 step groups.. That was sort of weird to me at first. I still would prefer there to be more dialogue (though I understand why the rule of no cross talk.) but, it still helps me to know somebody is listening and understanding me. Also, like shinebright said, sometimes you can talk to people one on one after the meeting or get numbers. I understand if its not for you right now! Just sharing my experience. glad you had a good day!
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Old 03-15-2013, 06:43 PM
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Thank you, pianogirl!
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