deeker

Well I had to get honest with myself, but it took many years and I still struggle with surrender .


When I was 19 yrs. old Yep, I totaled out a cop car and still thought I was ok, that I was to young to be an alkie. That bad things like those the people in the meeting had suffered had not happened to me yet . The accident was just a fluke.

Sure wish I had a glimpse of what was to come over the next 30 yrs.Oh Boy! .

I didn't want to look at all the stuff I did while I drank. I didn't think I was as bad as some people. I still had a job and a truck and a house . By the way I did lose all that not long after.



My kid was smart, my house was clean and well maintained.I did it up good on holidays with decorations and lots of presents. To the outside world I looked like the All American mom, if they only knew.

I prayed every morning that I didn't do something I regretted.I walked in such complete fear the next day waiting to see how my hubby and son were gonna react to me cuz I couldn't remember what I did or said .

If they didn't say nothing, I was good to go .

If they did I spent the whole day trying to absolve my guilt.By making dinner, or giving son 20 bucks, or take him to the movie. Anything to get rid of that awful feeling inside .

It didn't really work but I used it as an excuse to drink again the next night, cuz hey look what I did for you .

It kept me in denial for almost 30 yrs. I did get sober for 2 1/2 yrs twice but never really worked the program .

I sure hope you don't go out there as long as I did. They say the ends are always the same Jails, Institutions and death....

I had all three however unsuccessful on the suicide attempt. U think? lol

I was one sick puppy .

Today I have to ask myself some questions to break through that denial .
..
Can I stop at one drink? .

What have I done in the past that I would never had done if I was sober? .

Did I say things I regret? .
Did I lie? .


Did I plan my day around drinking?
Did I get in my vehicle and drive intoxicated? .

Did I have legal troubles?
Did I suffer injuries due to drinking? ,

Did I black out?

Yah I would say a resounding yes to all those questions and a lot more .

This is some serious stuff, to continue drinking after all this would be insane right?

Truth is I have no idea what will happen if I pick up. I am not willing to find out.

I am finally being convinced nothing good awaits me If I drink again .

It took a long time for me to hit a bottom cuz I was raised to be tough, strong, don't whine, don't cry, or complain .So I had a hard time believing I couldn't handle it myself.

So surrendering was tough .

Have you heard of the story of the Jaywalker in The Big Book? I think you'll like this.

Reprinted With Permission Of AA World Services . inc

"Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first drink as that of an individual with a passion, say, for jay-walking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of fast- moving vehicles.

He enjoys himself a few years in spite of friendly warnings. Up to this point you would label him as a foolish chap, having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times in succession. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out.

Presently he is hit again and this time has a fractured skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital, a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he has decided to stop jay- walking for good, but in a few weeks he breaks both legs.

On through the years this conduct continues, accompanied by his continual promises to be careful or to keep off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work, his wife gets a divorce, he is held up to ridicule.

He tries every known means to get the jay-walking idea out of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day he comes out he races in front of a fire engine, which breaks his back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn't he?

You may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to admit if we substituted alcoholism for jay-walking, the illustration would fit us exactly.

However intelligent we may have been in other respects, where alcohol has been involved, we have been strangely insane. It's strong language - but isn't it true?"

But isn't it? It was in my case! Pure insanity! Stop The Insanity!

FreeFall

Your list of questions is better than most of those tests that are out there!

I always like the quote "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". I think it applies to addiction 100%.
We do the same thing over and over again for years and then wonder why the problem gets worse.

I have a close friend who is fighting a losing battle with alcohol and her health. After her last slip I asked her "Why did you think it would be any different than the last time?" and it seemed to make her think. Hopefully it will spark something positive.

You sound like you have the right mindset to stop the insanity!

2granddaughters

I didn't realize how insane I was until i started going to the meetings and listening to the oldtimers talk about how insane they had been. They had done the same thing(s) I had done.

It does take a while for the truth to sink in ....

All the best.

Bob R