stella27

I found this board only AFTER my XAH had moved out.

My heart really goes out to those of you who are still living in the house with an active A. I lived like that for several years without knowing what my options really were. I was ineffective at setting boundaries to protect myself. Finally, XAH made the move, and I was very glad.

I realize how easy it is for me to say "You don't have to live with that mess in your house!" because I don't anymore AND I never had to break up housekeeping with AXH at a time when I had any attachment to or feelings for him.

I know how hard it is because I lived in that fog and never separated mySELF from the mess, until he left me, and then I basically just didn't let him back in when he decided he made a mistake and wanted to come home.

I am working on my compassion. I lived it. I just also know how much easier it is to maintain boundaries when you aren't in each other's presence. Soooo much easier.

Hang in there, all you who struggle, and think about what it would take for you to have some free space in your mind where the clarity can get in. It's hard when they're right there.

PippiLngstockng

Thanks, stella!
It's funny that you wrote that lovely bit when you did, cause at the time I was also thinking how living across the ocean from STBX has been like a get-out-of-jail-free card for me . I wish I had one to give each of you sharing any kind of physical proximity with an active and unkind A.

This sensation hit me when I had to call my tax people back in the States. One question led to another and eventually I just explained that actually this is headed asap to divorce and why. I am very weak when it comes to how people seem to see AH as a kind of Mr Rogers, so when I explain we are separated I imagine that they see me as a lying witch. My tax person - we've known each other 20 years, like with everyone else - actually got weepyish over the phone. Felt like she felt AH was wronged by me and she felt sorry for him. But that's where I have issues and get kinda crazy too.

Anyway, living here, I don't have to deal with his fan club so much. Back in the States this summer, people kept wanting me to live with the drinking, lying and abuse. How any of you manage continuing to live in the same community with an XAH or W is simply beyond me. I got so lucky that way. This distance and the opportunity to start over in some sense is very healing and positive for me.

But I always saw the lack of support and resistance/disbelief I was going to face in breaking away from AH as the strongest force holding me back. It isn't that I lack for friends, it's just that STBX always got his manipulative hold over them, convincing all the ladies that he's a gem of a husband and father, and planting seeds in their heads that I am a difficult, ungrateful b***h that he sadly is head over heels in love with.

For anyone in a situation like mine, I tell you, it is so so so lovely to leave that all behind and start anew. Life is SO beautiful, and there is such a world full of great people and places to explore. Peace

Wavy

This is what I find all the time. I think that he casts some kind of spell over me or something when he's around me that just undoes all that clear thinking I had when he wasn't there. I know exactly what I want and what needs to happen when I'm on my own, the second he shows up I'm confused and conflicted again!

LexieCat

I remember the day (about nine months after I had moved out of the house), when I left the State where I was living with my alcoholic husband to move back to the State where I had lived for fifteen years. I was going back to my old job and friends. I was also leaving behind my first husband (the one who stayed sober) and my kids, who stayed with him.

It was bittersweet, but I have not for one second regretted it. I would have stayed too close to the insanity if I had stayed there.

stella27

Lexie,

I lived in AXH's hometown since we married (1994) Divorced in 2010. October 2012 I went to court, got geographic restriction removed and left with the kids.

I now live 200 miles from him. Have been here about 5 months. The physical separation has occurred in stages (He was out of the house. Then I moved houses. Then I moved AWAY!) and I find that my healing and love for life is returning in conjunction with every step I take of leaving the CRAZIES behind.

I don't think clearly or easily make good decisions when I am in the midst of crazy.

Therefore, I have to keep CRAZY at bay - no matter where it's coming from. It is essential to my well-being. When CRAZY is around, it takes all my energy just to stand upright. I do so much better when I'm away.

That's why I have to learn to be compassionate with those who don't think and act as quickly as I think I would in their situation. They are likely running on reserves and don't yet have the clarity to see what is so obvious to me from the outside.

Plus the notion that I *could be* (what?!?!) wrong in my assessment.

DreamsofSerenity

I can totally identify with this. During all the times I went out of town without him, I felt so happy and free, and never even thought about him. So I keep thinking about ways I could move as far away as possible from him, even to a different country, because just the thought of potentially running into him around here unsettles me.

JenT1968

I think it was three years or more from when I first discovered SR following a desperate internet search, to initiating, and going through with separating from him. Following our seperation I still accepted lots of crazy behaviour and chaos in my life from his direction, but slowly, slowly I laid firm boundaries which I knew I could follow through on. And I did.

ex lives 2.5 miles away from me, and we share young children so true no contact is a way off, but we inhabit different worlds, and my mind is clear and open and my life full of calm happy joy.

I didn't act quickly, at all. I tried everything, several times to try and make the relationship work, and some people feel that I was a B****h to leave. Which is fine, it took me a long time to get there, but they are entitled to their opinions and judgements and can take his side and look after him if they want to, they can bring the chaos in and dance around in it with him.

It matters not to me. Because now I am focussed on living this life, the one I make and enjoy and revel in, with all it's wonder and amazement (and drugery and frustration lol!) other people get to do and say and think whatever works for them, it really doesn't hit my radar anymore.

I look back now and am amazed that I didn't simply shut down completely with the chaos, abuse and pressure of that situation. That I continued to work, raise children, cook food, and did not end up in a facility with a severely damaged mind is a source of mystery to me.

anyone who can live with an alcoholic and still manage to breath sucessfully will find the world beyond a breeze by comparison, I just have to be careful not to invite new kinds of chaos into my life so I have a slowly, slowly attitude now because I still find extricating myself from situations very difficult.

PixieGirl

I must say I'm so jealous of him being across the ocean from you! Sounds lovely

PippiLngstockng

I honestly believe that God gave us the big wide ocean to allow safety and freedom to those of us in need. It's just the right size for me