shinebright7

Yesterday I felt really great...until the evening.

I had gone to my Al Anon meeting and gotten clearer about how the focus is on ME in my recovery and not about my husband.

I got excited about working the steps.

I asked someone to be my sponsor.

I felt lovingly detached from my husband.

I was in observer and witness mode and felt safe and secure in myself.

I went to another meeting in the evening and it reinforced my growing understanding about how this is about ME and not him.

Then later in the evening we were kissing. It was lovely, but I didn't want it to go further. I told him and he was fine with that. We started talking about food and he asked me if I wanted to make tacos.

I said why don't you make them the way you like them and I'll just have a bite before you make them too spicy.

He said he was hoping I could make them like "the old days"

(I used to make 95% of the meals for us before this all happened and since he had been back I hadn't made him anything.)

As he said that, I just got SO sad. I started crying and told him I needed to go lay down.

He sat on the bed with me as I cried and stroked my back.

We didn't talk about why I cried. But we watched some inspirational videos and then I fell asleep. I woke up at midnight feeling sick and he got up with me to get something to eat.

When we laid back in bed, we were talking...

And I just went right back into my desire to try to help him. : (

I wasn't trying to control what he DID, but I was trying to control what he THOUGHT and REALIZED. (Even MORE helpless than trying to get someone to physically do something.)

I felt like it was my responsibility to educate him about addiction and how it works. To tell him what I'm seeing and how it's affecting us and him and me.

It was a very gentle conversation -- but it went on for hours. (Now we're both exhausted)

Sometimes there were tears. Other times there was regret.

I wish I had been able to keep my mouth shut --

I got so into his business. So into trying to get him to see something.

I felt like I owed him a warning though about what I was experiencing and why I was thinking this way before I tell him he can't live here anymore if he's not in active recovery.

So many times in the conversation I just felt like I was doing everything wrong.

And so many times in the conversation I felt like I was doing the right thing.

And so many times I was so sad inside (whether I was crying or not) because it seemed like he just does not get it that he's suffering from this disease.

Not even in an arrogant way -- but in a lost and I just don't see it way. And I'm watching him try to wrap his brain around some of these things...and from how he sees it it's just....sad.

I see that I can't get him to see it. It reminds me of my XBF who was very patient with me during great times of depression I went through. He would tell me things about myself - that I was strong and wonderful and good and I just could not hear him. Ever. In fact it made me trust him less because clearly he didn't see what I saw and he was lying to me, right? Pfffft.

I don't know what's going to happen with all this...

But thank God I have someone who is willing to talk to me about sponsorship in Al Anon.

I continue to be desperate for clarity and desperate to get out of my husband's way. I have a very bad habit of getting back into his business, navigating my way through boundaries within the context of our marriage, figuring out what it means to support and help each other without controlling him, and taking care of myself while also wanting to be there for him in whatever ways are best.

I am a codependent and I am trying to learn how to be healthy in my relationships. Progress not perfection. Progress not perfection.

Today I start fresh. I will try to be gentle with myself. I will go to another meeting. I will try to leave my husband alone and turn him over to God.

Ohhappyday

Thank-you so much for your post. I am inspired to keep trying. My 28 year old son is an addict and he has worn me down and out. And yet he is never out of my thoughts. It is so hard to see a path of helping him by doing nothing.
so often I think what I am doing is wrong, and so often I think it is right. I have found a local meeting but haven't gotten myself there. I am going to go.

julez

I am a VERY codependent mother of an 18 year old ex addicted mentally ill daughter. Theres nothing I wouldn't do for her, but I'm TIRED. If you could, would you please go to my thread entitled so scared and comment? I don't get to talk to many other people like me...