MissyShelle76

I've been reading the threads in the forum and notice others have started their own threads relating to their journey. I really see the benefit in this and got so much out of everyone else's story, so decided to do one of my own.

I was doing pretty well with my sobriety. I could make a million excuses why I picked up a drink again. The short part of the long story was seeing two separate exes that I cared about a lot, but who never loved me, fall in love and get engaged. TWO! I think this makes my count at 4 or 5 now. I sometimes call myself Good Luck Chuck.

I remember sitting there, staring at my phone in one instance, staring at the Facebook notice in another instance and feeling like I wanted to explode from the pain. The only words I could hear over and over in my head were that of my ex-husband "You wouldn't understand, Michelle, you've never been loved."

That one stupid sentence, said to me 2 years ago, on constant loop through my mind. One sentence that I allow to dictate my worth. It seems so silly now. So completely silly.

I could use all of the above or a million other thing as my reason for drinking. But that would be a lie. Those are the excuses I give:

I've never been loved, so who cares if I destroy my life?

Oh, I'm successful, so I don't have a problem.

I wonder how close to the edge I can get without falling off?

But none of those matter when waking up in the morning filled with regret, with a soul that aches, literally aches, with emptiness (who knew nothing could hurt so much?).

I was in the bathroom yesterday, getting ready. I remember looking into the mirror and really seeing myself, deep down. I cried. I said out loud "I miss who I was before I became this"

Even armed with the knowledge that beer is poison for me, I decided to have a few more until the doctor confirms what we know and I'm told to stop. That woke me up: facing the fact that it's literally making me sick, I still want it.

I lied in my other post the other day: a few slip-ups but back on track. Those slip-ups lasted a while. I just kept trying to cover them up by being successful in other areas. But they started to infringe on each other. Skipping class to go out, doing homework at the last minute to make up for it, taking extra long hot showers, wearing a hat and extra makeup to hide my hangover.

My Beast has a voice. It's not a sensation or a thought, but a voice. "You wouldn't understand, Michelle, you've never been loved." I can remember being out and telling a friend "I drink because I know I'm nothing and I'm hoping others will realize it soon and stop expecting so much of me." That made her cry.

I was in chat today and talking to other members here at SR. They said that there is someone out there who deserves and needs my love. My response? Yes, that person is me.

I remember writing a letter to myself about a year ago, didn't even realize what I was writing until I was done. It was a love letter to myself. I may post it sometime. IT was me crying out for forgiveness, for acceptance, for love.

Guess that has to be my first step: Falling in love with myself. I've always said I want someone to love me just the way I am. Maybe I need to turn that inward for a while.

I'm rambling here. So many thoughts. I let so many people down; I let myself down. But I do know as long as I'm alive, I have a chance to do better; to be better.

SR and Secular Connections has been a lifeline for me for so long. I just decided I didn't need it for a while.

I was wrong.

Michelle

MissyShelle76

Here is the letter I wrote to myself:

Dearest Love,

Do you not know how long I've waited on you to listen to my words? I love you, so much. Why can't you believe me? Why do you keep pushing me away, shoving me down, silencing me . . . . hurting me?

Do you not realize, that in the end, you are only hurting yourself?

Yes, you've been hurt . . . rejected . . . .used . . . discarded. But haven't we all? Show me one person who has been left unscarred by Life and I will stop now and walk away.

I try to wake you at Dawn to whisper in your ear all the dreams I have for you. You shut me out. As the sun rises, you pretend we never spoke. You know the pain of not being loved back, why would you continue to do it to me?

I've given you words, gifts, opportunities to soar above the wreckage you continue to surround yourself with.

Why? How broken are you, is your view, that you cannot see the beauty I see?

Why do you hide from me . . . from the world . . . .yourself?

You deny what you want. You refuse to let yourself be loved. Or to love.

Yes, you've been hurt. Badly. But look before that moment of pain and see this . . . you were....you ARE capable of amazing love. Don't you know (and I know you do . . . stubborn, stubborn woman) that you will receive what you put out?

You want to be loved, underneath the armour, behind the walls, where you truly are, you want to be loved. You desire it. It drives every moment of your life. You think if you go fast enough, you can deny yourself. Aren't you worn out from running from where you're supposed to be?

Try this for me, please. Just . . . .STOP. Lie in the grass, stare at the stars, forget all you believe you know and just be. Listen to the sounds, to the nothing, feel your heartbeat. Listen my words.

You are loved. You have always been loved. You just refuse to believe it.

Your sadness has never come from lack of love, but your refusal to accept it.

Your tears have not gone unnoticed. They are a necessary cleansing. You have mourned, you are more whole now than you know.

Stop hiding your softness, your beauty . . . .your YOU'ness. Because, you can't hide it much longer. I see it and desire it strongly. I desire the love I know you are capable of.

Do you not understand how necessary it is for you to Love me? To Love yourself?

How do you plan on ever reaching your goals, succumbing to those desires that awaken you, begging to be heard, while you wipe the tears from your cheeks., if you refuse to ever look beyond that which you cling to so strongly. Be warned, it may hold you up now, but things that weak have a tendency of letting go before you are ready.

Do you really want to continue existing when you are capable of Living?

I love you. I have always loved you. Even when you were too broken to know it. In fact, I loved you the most when you were the most broken. I loved you when you clutched at nothing, begging for some relief. I was there, but you pushed me away.

You are amazing. You are beauty. You are loved . . . .

Sincerely,
You

Nonsensical

Gee, and I thought my ex was a jerk.

Step One is sobriety. You can't effectively tackle any of the other issues while drinking. They sound like really important issues to tackle, so I want to help if I can.

What are you successful at? Sorry if I'm prying - just curious. What is Michelle good at?

MissyShelle76

I had a story published, doing well in school and I am about to start shooting a video that demonstrates the strength and resiliency of women after abuse/rape, etc.

And sobriety, yes. That is the 1st thing I am actually working on. I just realize that I need to see myself as worth it to get it. Does that make sense?

RobbyRobot

Hi Michelle!

There are those who naysay loving ourselves is essential for living happily without alcohol. Me, I'm all for the essential realization that loving ourselves is an importantly required experience for nourishing a happy and successful life.

Sobriety / abstinence without happiness is just more torture, and eventually something will break down. And although there are no conditions with quitting required to quit, a happy life needs happiness abundantly to in fact be happy.

Sure, I can never drink again even if i'm not happy with myself. And so what if I can? I can also not drink and be happy too. The choice is obvious.

Have a great day, Michelle.

MissyShelle76

I guess my line of thinking is more like this: When we see ourselves as worth more (whatever we define more as), we strive to attain it. But when we don't see ourselves as worthy, we tend to surround ourselves with things and situations to prove that to ourselves.

At least that's how it is for me.

Nonsensical

Cool! You do write well. I'm a guy, so I think you should add more car chases and explosions and stuff, but it's still pretty good.

trachemys

Hi, Michelle. Welcome to the sanehouse.

MissyShelle76

Well, since I posted, life at home has gotten nuts. My daughter woke up last Thursday with bad leg pain. We go to the doctor and figure it's just low electrolyte or potassium levels. So we go to the lab for blood work. I get a call about 1 1/2 hours later, her hemoglobin is dangerously low and to wait for a call back on whether we are being admitted for a blood transfusion or going in the next morning.

We ended up going in the next morning and her levels had dropped more and we also discovered her bone marrow is not producing red blood cells. But good news is her white blood count is stable. So we do the transfusion. We go tomorrow for another set of labs and see the specialist on Monday to see what the results are of some tests and where we go from here.

But I'm still sober. Scared so badly, but sober. When we go to the hospital Friday, she was ice cold, white as a ghost and her legs were so weak. But she was still laughing and in good spirits. She's my very calm, laid-back child.

We are still worried since she is still so weak. She went back to school yesterday and had a hard time staying awake. She came home and slept for a while and that helped. I just keep telling myelf it could be something minor. That's what we are hoping for.

But just taking it one day at a time. Saying a million prayers to whatever is out there listening and hoping for good news.

Anyway, also working on finishing up the semester and doing well with it. I really got a lot done over Spring Break and I'm caught up on my work. That helps ease some of the stress. I also gave the house a good cleaning this weekend and that helps me to feel peaceful.

I also am to run a 5K this weekend. Depending on my daughter, of course. But if I dn't make it to that one, I have signed up for 4 others and I am also signing up for the Tough Mudder: 12 miles/25 obstacles. Exercise has also been a good stress reliever for me.

So I'm still trudging along. Scared as hell right now, but still going forward.

Hope everyone is well.

RobbyRobot

Hi Michelle,

Wow. You got alot going on. Essential challenges. Important responsibilities. Family needs. Self needs. A full plate.

Just want to say you have a really great and awesome attitude, Michelle. Seriously.

shockozulu

Saying prayers and sending positive thoughts to you and your daughter.

fini

And sobriety, yes. That is the 1st thing I am actually working on. I just realize that I need to see myself as worth it to get it. Does that make sense? yes
hi Michelle,
thing is, for me thery were/are a circle, really, and self-reinforcing in either direction.
it's tough to believe you're worth much when you're getting drunk and falling, i found, but the seeing "i'm worth it" increases with sobriety, so being sober increases your seeing yourself as being worth getting it.
ouch, that's a baaaad sentence structure!

best wishes coming your way.

friskme

Well, there is a saying. "You are what you think about all day long".

Happier

I am in awe of the letter you wrote to yourself! It is truly amazing to me. I totally get that this is a secular forum so I really do not want to offend or push any views but your words are simply inspirational. When I read it, I could not help but to immediately recognize and know that it could have been a letter written to you from Jesus. I do not think a single word would need to be changed! It is so in line with His character and with the type of things I have struggled to learn and hear from Him over the years. To me, the voice is totally recognizable and familiar. How did you do that!!?

I apologize in advance if this post bothers anyone. You can blast me or say what you want and I will not respond or try to defend myself. You can also read my many past posts to realize that this sort of unsolicited "God topic" response is a little out of character for me. The truth is that I haven't posted on here for quite sometime and I was in no hurry to do so. However, I felt God or whatever HP you may want to, or don't want to acknowledge in your words. I repeat...YOUR words. That is simply amazing to me and I am grateful. Thank you!

I truly hope you and your daughter are doing ok in such a tough time. Sending comfort and peace to you and your family.

MissyShelle76

Thank you everyone. As of today, her hemoglobin in up a bit since the transfusion. YAY! We are waiting on more lab results tomorrow to see how her bone marrow function is.

And Happier, ty for your words. For me, writing is how I find my voice. Sometimes, I just write, read it later and then realize what I have said. It's my therapy sometimes. so thank you for your words. They meant a lot to me and I'm happy to know that it touched you as well.