RDBplus3

It has been 4 months since I made my 'commitment' to get free from my addiction to alcohol. In AVRT terms it was the statement of my Big Plan. I went through a 6 week outpatient program which helped me 'detox' and get that amount of time separated from the Screaming Bloody Murder 'cravings' of the addiction-corrupted programming part of my Brain so aptly called The Beast.

Since then, in decreasing intensity and frequency, I have had a continuing cycle of addictive thoughts and impulses to drink, obviously generated by 'The Beast', and termed Addictive Voice in AVRT. I generally have the presence of mind to dissociate from these thoughts and cravings, and identify them as coming from the addiction-corrupted instinct-level processes of my Beast Brain.

However, even this morning, now that the incessant clamoring of the Addictive Voice of the Beast has subsided significantly, I again had scheming thoughts of drinking. In AVRT terms, and in a correct understanding of awareness and mindfulness, my Beast Brain was churning out the thoughts.

The specific situation is that I am going to be travelling on Business for a couple of days. Seemingly out of nowhere, these thoughts and impulses started churning, to a level of scheming and planning and calculating all the scenarios of how and when I could drink and 'get away with it' and not be found out. It continued with thoughts of justifying that 'I' could have a 'well deserved' drinking episode, that it would be a good time of 'pleasure', and it would not affect my 'Sobriety'. It was at this point when 'I' fully became 'aware' that this was going on, and that these thoughts and impulses were GAINING TRACTION. Almost like slowly awaking while coming out of a dream.

The alarming and significant issue to me, is that I HAD TO RE-VISIT the COMMITMENT I have made to SOBRIETY / ABSTINENCE and WHY I MADE THAT 'BIG PLAN'.

I would like to get feedback from others. I just believe I can't be the only person going through this.

Thanks, RDBplus3

trachemys

Learned thinking, isn't it? Isn't that how you used to think before going on trips?

Nonsensical

Every day.

RobbyRobot

I've been where you're sharing from, and it's not a great place to be at all. The thing to really remember here though is WHO is actually in charge of ANY of us returning to drinking?

ONLY OUR respective SELVES can pick up that drink and drink it. No Beast can do that simple drinking act.

When we ponder that for even a moment we are comforted. And if we're not feeling really comfortable about that realization, then things are not working out as planned, and re-visiting ourselves, and how we want to live our lives makes good sense.

My Beast is stupid. I am smart. I win.

My AV is actually my own past addiction thoughts used against me. My practice of AVRT and with my BP in place absolutely work with me against my believing my AV can speak truth to me.

MY AV lies. I see the truth. I win.

When I have been where you seem to be now, I was not afraid things were getting bad, I was very satisfied that I was not falling for the crap. How I felt about the experience at the time was secondary to me realizing I was catching the dumbass plans of my Beast/AV.

So, take some satisfaction, in fact take alot of satisfaction that you're already winning!

RDBplus3

I am leaving to go out of town at 3:30 PM today. I keep having thoughts and cravings about drinking even after my lengthy post on Secular Connections earlier. I keep having these thoughts and they are gaining TRACTION. The Beast thoughts almost got traction just now that I COULD drink today and ‘get away with it’. That was VERTIGO. I cannot drink because: (I just had the craving thought that I can drink tonight, ‘JUST LIKE THE GOOD OLD TIMES’. This is SCARY…do ‘I’ really want to drink? Am I just going to let my Flesh-Nature Breast Brain slip this one in, LIKE I DID FEB 1st???? I need to FULLY re-visit what happened then…I don’t even want to admit the truth to myself !!! I drank that Tuesday, then again on Wed or Thu?, I don’t remember, but I do remember I had already started back in my addictive cycle, then I drank again Friday, thinking ‘I’ would only drink ONE half pint. That turned into TWO when ‘I’ became impaired after the 1st half pint and My Flesh-Nature Beast started getting the addiction fed, then it became THREE half pints, and I had to LIE, try to cover-up, I became guarded and crouching, and felt like a rat in a hole at dinner with the guys, and when I got home…Then the next day, when my boss called, started the l-o-n-g cycle and CO$T of that re-visit to drinking. NOW my Beast is churning, and clawing, scheming, and trying to convince me to drink. It is infusing it’s desire to drink with deep-rooted obscure thoughts and feelings of imagining self-indulgent lusts and deep dark perversions, enhanced with drinking as much as I want, doing its utmost to convince me to go along…that it would be fun, that it would ‘HELP ME’ to get this ‘intensely-good-feeling’ and RUN WITH IT…WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES - - - BU!!$HI+!!!!
I AM CALLING BU!!$HI+ - The risk of getting caught is not worth the self-indulgent pleasure. My Beast is telling me that it won’t interfere with my SOBRIETY. I must remember what happened leading up to Feb 1st. My addiction quickly got out of control…Even now, the secrecy of the 2 days drinking leading up to Feb 1st is being used as a tool of my Beast Thinking to keep me from contacting anyone about these thoughts of planning to drink. Would it be OK to drink and get away with it? Would I get away with it? If I did drink and get away with it, would that really be the ONLY time my Beast would present these CRAVINGS and SCHEMING? OF COURSE NOT. It only took THREE steps to ‘GOTCHA’ last time. Do I really want to go through a ‘GOTCHA’ again? Now?

I just got a text from Jackie, my wife, about a great time we had before we got married…Thank You God (or Life's circumstances for the Secular aspect) for reminding me that I do have a lot at stake. It is a VERY STRONG COMMITMENT I have made to SOBRIETY, and the reasons are well worth remembering.

BEAST…’I’ HAVE CHAINED YOU LIKE A DOG TO THAT STAKE I DROVE IN THE GROUND CALLED SOBRIETY. YOU are at the END OF THE CHAIN. I am honoring my COMMITMENT to MYSELF which remains my BIG PLAN for SOBRIETY and ABSTINENCE.
I WIN this time! I am VERY GRATEFUL to Sober Recovery Community for being here! RDBplus3

trachemys

legna

I believe in you. I truly do.

RobbyRobot

Yeah, thinking about drinking is pointless. Still though, for those early in abstaining, addiction ambivalence needs to be worked out, and this takes time relative to each persons life experiences. It is the goal of course to be indifferent to any and all AV, to disassociate ourselves from such drivel. AVRT isn't magical though. It still is simply just a thinking technique to allow for simplicity in becoming a non-drinker.

I'm not so sure folks are wasting time when working thru their own personal addiction ambivalence.

MaidenNZ

That, my friend, was a powerful post. It helped me a lot. Thank you...

Received

Gosh, how did I miss this thread?

I'm so sorry RDB. I feel like a real jerk for not at least acknowledging what you were going through. I hope you are well.

Firepool

It's hard to believe at times, but you are stronger than your beast, and you call the shots. If you make the decision not to drink, it's the beast that suffers, not you. Take it an hour at a time and be strong, and you'll feel so much better when you get back.