Talking to people outside the relationship about the relationship OK/not OK?
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Talking to people outside the relationship about the relationship OK/not OK?
Something I've seen come up a couple of times of the forum and something that came up yesterday for me was discussing your relationship with external people.
A few people mentioned their SO had talked to another woman about their relationship problems and it had hurt them and I think I understand that logically, although I've not been in that position (I was more worried that ABF never mentioned me at all to anyone, like I didn't exist).
ABF told me yesterday that he doesn't think anyone outside our relationship should know anything about it and that I shouldn't talk to people about us/him. Until recently he has purposely isolated me from having friends. He even once said that he didn't want me to have friends because they would convince me to leave him! It was very isolating and added to my confusion because I had no one to talk things through with. Now I have one friend, ONE FRIEND! And I really appreciate having a bit more of a tentative support network in place, talking to her really helps me straighten my head out. I trust her to keep it to herself, I'm not exactly shouting it from the rooftops and spreading it around. He doesn't like me going to a counsellor or Al-Anon either.
My question is when is it/isn't it OK to talk to other people about your relationship? Clearly talking to other people about their relationship has been hurtful for some people, does it make a difference if they are of the opposite sex? Am I doing anything wrong that I can't see? Is it a big relationship no no for me to take that kind of support? I've spent so long in the mire I'm not really sure what is normal/OK anymore!
A few people mentioned their SO had talked to another woman about their relationship problems and it had hurt them and I think I understand that logically, although I've not been in that position (I was more worried that ABF never mentioned me at all to anyone, like I didn't exist).
ABF told me yesterday that he doesn't think anyone outside our relationship should know anything about it and that I shouldn't talk to people about us/him. Until recently he has purposely isolated me from having friends. He even once said that he didn't want me to have friends because they would convince me to leave him! It was very isolating and added to my confusion because I had no one to talk things through with. Now I have one friend, ONE FRIEND! And I really appreciate having a bit more of a tentative support network in place, talking to her really helps me straighten my head out. I trust her to keep it to herself, I'm not exactly shouting it from the rooftops and spreading it around. He doesn't like me going to a counsellor or Al-Anon either.
My question is when is it/isn't it OK to talk to other people about your relationship? Clearly talking to other people about their relationship has been hurtful for some people, does it make a difference if they are of the opposite sex? Am I doing anything wrong that I can't see? Is it a big relationship no no for me to take that kind of support? I've spent so long in the mire I'm not really sure what is normal/OK anymore!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Wavy, alcoholics are very good at isolating their enablers.
Anyone or anything that could threaten the alocholism is something to avoid.
There are a lot of secrets and dysfunction in these relationships.
If you need the support of friends and family it is absolutely fine to talk to them.
He would rather keep you isolated, you are not his hostage.
Anyone or anything that could threaten the alocholism is something to avoid.
There are a lot of secrets and dysfunction in these relationships.
If you need the support of friends and family it is absolutely fine to talk to them.
He would rather keep you isolated, you are not his hostage.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
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Katie is right. Nobody needs support more than someone in an alcoholic or abusive relationship. There is no betrayal of any kind--it isn't as if you are cozying up to some guy telling him how sad you are that your husband doesn't hold you at night. That's sending out signals of emotional availability to another man.
You think he doesn't complain about his wife to the bartender or whoever while he is drinking? I'd be willing to bet money that he does. All about how you don't understand him, how impossible you are to please, yada yada.
Keep reaching out. You need friends.
You think he doesn't complain about his wife to the bartender or whoever while he is drinking? I'd be willing to bet money that he does. All about how you don't understand him, how impossible you are to please, yada yada.
Keep reaching out. You need friends.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 225
I didn't talk about A's drinking and the problems it caused for the longest time. I even made excuses and tried to hide it. Until I realized it was no secret, people already knew without me saying a word. I then opened up to my closest friends and it did me so much good. We desperately need support and if you can get that by talking with someone you trust, why not? I don't think you've done anything wrong.
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Wavy, I was in your position when I first came to SR last June.
My STBXAH was very abusive verbally and emotionally as well as alcoholic, and he had isolated me over the years.
People here pointed out '"gaslighting" and "the Stockholm syndrome". I'd suggest googling those phrases and doing some research on them. Your BF's insistence that you not talk to anyone about what is going on relates to these syndromes. This gave me a lot of insight into what happens in a normal relationship versus what was happening in my relationship with my AH.
You have the right to live your own life, and that includes having close friends and sharing your life with them.
ShootingStar1
My STBXAH was very abusive verbally and emotionally as well as alcoholic, and he had isolated me over the years.
People here pointed out '"gaslighting" and "the Stockholm syndrome". I'd suggest googling those phrases and doing some research on them. Your BF's insistence that you not talk to anyone about what is going on relates to these syndromes. This gave me a lot of insight into what happens in a normal relationship versus what was happening in my relationship with my AH.
You have the right to live your own life, and that includes having close friends and sharing your life with them.
ShootingStar1
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Yeah, yeah, yeah I got this too. I "betrayed" him by talking about this with others. In Al-Anon. To my therapist. With my family, etc. and on and on. What a load of hooey.
Of course, in his mind, I was having verbal diarrhea to anyone who'd listen, to garner support for my case. There was no logic involved in this scenario - it was another "attack" on him. It was never about me or my needs. I am sure he even thought I was using this story I had spun to get attention from other men, as jealousy and irrational behavior regarding my "inappropriate behavior with other men" was also a big issue.
It is all geared to keep you isolated, as the others have said. Ignore it. Go find what you need, because as long as he is an active alcoholic, he can't meet your needs.
Of course, in his mind, I was having verbal diarrhea to anyone who'd listen, to garner support for my case. There was no logic involved in this scenario - it was another "attack" on him. It was never about me or my needs. I am sure he even thought I was using this story I had spun to get attention from other men, as jealousy and irrational behavior regarding my "inappropriate behavior with other men" was also a big issue.
It is all geared to keep you isolated, as the others have said. Ignore it. Go find what you need, because as long as he is an active alcoholic, he can't meet your needs.
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl 
Yeah, yeah, yeah I got this too. I "betrayed" him by talking about this with others. In Al-Anon. To my therapist. With my family, etc. and on and on. What a load of hooey.
Of course, in his mind, I was having verbal diarrhea to anyone who'd listen, to garner support for my case. There was no logic involved in this scenario - it was another "attack" on him. It was never about me or my needs. It is all geared to keep you isolated, as the others have said. Ignore it. Go find what you need, because as long as he is an active alcoholic, he can't meet your needs.
Of course, in his mind, I was having verbal diarrhea to anyone who'd listen, to garner support for my case. There was no logic involved in this scenario - it was another "attack" on him. It was never about me or my needs. It is all geared to keep you isolated, as the others have said. Ignore it. Go find what you need, because as long as he is an active alcoholic, he can't meet your needs.
My oh my, they do have twisted thinking.
Do what you need to do to get help and support for yourself -you deserve that.
C-OH Dad
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Thanks for reassuring me guys 
I end up second guessing myself the whole time. I felt justified and supported in reaching out and thought it was a good thing for me, but couldn't help getting swayed by ABF. I'm so inexperienced in the world and just generally confused that I think sometimes I don't have a good grip on what is reasonable anymore. Certainly being caught up in his chaos I've acted unreasonable when I thought I was being reasonable and so now I'm starting to realize those times, I don't trust my reactions.
Haha, yes that sounds like him!
Thank you. I have just looked up those terms. I've also read a book on trauma bonding, why people go back to abusers again and again, which I guess is linked to Stockholm syndrome, which I'm going to read again because I didn't quite process it all first time around. Its pretty scary really!
Really the more I connect with people outside of our relationship the more I realize what normal relationships can be and that I really really haven't had that, well ever really, even as a child.
Yes I'm pretty sure he doesn't moan to other people. He's very insular like that and wouldn't want to reveal that he had anything less than perfect control over the situation. It would be surprising if he mentioned me at all, even in an ego-boosting light. When I tried to explain that a support network was valuable to me, especially because I hadn't had one before, he said it was hard for him to understand because he didn't need one. 
Acknowledging there are things I 'deserve' is difficult for me to do. I deserve friends, I deserve a life outside ABF and I deserve to make my own choices about who I speak to about what AND have those choices respected. I can write those things, but I'm not truly believing, living those things yet. I'll get there.
I end up second guessing myself the whole time. I felt justified and supported in reaching out and thought it was a good thing for me, but couldn't help getting swayed by ABF. I'm so inexperienced in the world and just generally confused that I think sometimes I don't have a good grip on what is reasonable anymore. Certainly being caught up in his chaos I've acted unreasonable when I thought I was being reasonable and so now I'm starting to realize those times, I don't trust my reactions.
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
Of course, in his mind, I was having verbal diarrhea to anyone who'd listen, to garner support for my case. There was no logic involved in this scenario - it was another "attack" on him. It was never about me or my needs. I am sure he even thought I was using this story I had spun to get attention from other men, as jealousy and irrational behavior regarding my "inappropriate behavior with other men" was also a big issue.
Originally Posted by ShootingStar1
People here pointed out '"gaslighting" and "the Stockholm syndrome". I'd suggest googling those phrases and doing some research on them. Your BF's insistence that you not talk to anyone about what is going on relates to these syndromes. This gave me a lot of insight into what happens in a normal relationship versus what was happening in my relationship with my AH.
Really the more I connect with people outside of our relationship the more I realize what normal relationships can be and that I really really haven't had that, well ever really, even as a child.
Originally Posted by LexieCat
You think he doesn't complain about his wife to the bartender or whoever while he is drinking? I'd be willing to bet money that he does. All about how you don't understand him, how impossible you are to please, yada yada.
Acknowledging there are things I 'deserve' is difficult for me to do. I deserve friends, I deserve a life outside ABF and I deserve to make my own choices about who I speak to about what AND have those choices respected. I can write those things, but I'm not truly believing, living those things yet. I'll get there.
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Originally Posted by GreenBeans
For your own sanity, you need someone to talk to. If he is that controlling, it may be a great idea if someone did talk you into leaving him.
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This is it. I couldn't have said it better myself!
Originally Posted by Katiekate
Wavy, alcoholics are very good at isolating their enablers.
Anyone or anything that could threaten the alocholism is something to avoid.
There are a lot of secrets and dysfunction in these relationships.
If you need the support of friends and family it is absolutely fine to talk to them.
He would rather keep you isolated, you are not his hostage.
Anyone or anything that could threaten the alocholism is something to avoid.
There are a lot of secrets and dysfunction in these relationships.
If you need the support of friends and family it is absolutely fine to talk to them.
He would rather keep you isolated, you are not his hostage.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 95
My xabf asked me the same. So I felt I'm special one who knows. Then he told his best mates. And then I found out apparently everybody knew, just not me. Felt like shot in my back.
I decided to talk to my friends as I felt lonely and bad. And it helped me a lot. They supported me when He didnt. It's your own choice who you will talk to!
I decided to talk to my friends as I felt lonely and bad. And it helped me a lot. They supported me when He didnt. It's your own choice who you will talk to!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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I would be a homicidal mad woman blazing all over town with a chainsaw, a lighter, and a can of gasoline - with hair like Don King, dressed in mismatched PJ's and sporting crazy eyes and hair pins if it weren't for my girlfriends.
I love them. They love me. We have absolute mutual trust and would do about anything for eachother. They listen, they keep me in check, they make me laugh my a$& off, they sympathize, they understand - and I do the same for them. THey are a HUGE amazing part of my life and I'd be lost without them, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have them.
That being said - I have a lot of guy friends too. It's different though. Those guys take me out, we shoot some guns, we fish, we have a beer - they take my mind off everything and really help me enjoy things I love. And I do the same for them. I confide in them about my job, and my family - and they do the same with me. I do not show them the cracks in my relationship - for the simple reason that I love having them as friends, and I would never want to open any sort of gateway for our relationship to be anything other than that.
ABF is often a part of hanging out with my guy and girlfriends and I, so there is no jealousy of either group - even though he knows the girls know the dirt (i'm sure that makes him uncomfortable to some extent, but hey - that's his problem.) Other times, I make damned sure I leave him home.
I love them. They love me. We have absolute mutual trust and would do about anything for eachother. They listen, they keep me in check, they make me laugh my a$& off, they sympathize, they understand - and I do the same for them. THey are a HUGE amazing part of my life and I'd be lost without them, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have them.
That being said - I have a lot of guy friends too. It's different though. Those guys take me out, we shoot some guns, we fish, we have a beer - they take my mind off everything and really help me enjoy things I love. And I do the same for them. I confide in them about my job, and my family - and they do the same with me. I do not show them the cracks in my relationship - for the simple reason that I love having them as friends, and I would never want to open any sort of gateway for our relationship to be anything other than that.
ABF is often a part of hanging out with my guy and girlfriends and I, so there is no jealousy of either group - even though he knows the girls know the dirt (i'm sure that makes him uncomfortable to some extent, but hey - that's his problem.) Other times, I make damned sure I leave him home.
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I have a dear close friend who has had my back through my entire ordeal. I honestly don't know what I would have done without her. I could talk to her about anything, and she helped keep me (somewhat) sane. She didn't ever judge, tell me what to do, etc. She was a loving friend who supported me. To the point that I had a key to her house, and could drop in anytime I needed to escape my house and ABF. When he finally went in to treatment, she drove with us to the out of state program so I wouldn't have to drive home alone. She never said a word on the ride there, we talked on the way home. My ABF didn't like me talking to her, said she couldn't be trusted, etc. He was drunk. Today, 4+ months sober, he gets that I needed her. He gets that she doesn't judge him, that she wants him to be sober and is proud of his progress.
You are on your own path. You have the right to have support. No, it's not right to openly discuss his issues with casual friends/acquaintances. But you need to know someone is there to listen to you. AlAnon is also a safe place to discuss/share/vent when you need to.
You are on your own path. You have the right to have support. No, it's not right to openly discuss his issues with casual friends/acquaintances. But you need to know someone is there to listen to you. AlAnon is also a safe place to discuss/share/vent when you need to.
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Originally Posted by firebolt
I would be a homicidal mad woman blazing all over town with a chainsaw, a lighter, and a can of gasoline - with hair like Don King, dressed in mismatched PJ's and sporting crazy eyes and hair pins if it weren't for my girlfriends.
What you describe with your girlfriends was what I had before I met DBF and he started distancing me from them, or not letting me meet new people like them since we moved away. I really miss that, it was an amazing feeling.
I think I understand better the distinction about talking to men/women about your relationship. I have spoken to another man briefly, who was becoming a friend, without going into details, about how bad the relationship was because he reached out to let me know that the way ABF was towards me wasn't what most men did and I didn't have to expect that from men. Which honestly was a bit of a revelation for me! So I don't regret doing that, but I can understand why on the whole that might be a bad idea. I've since had a small inclining that he might like me as more than a friend (not that he would ever do anything about that), I'm not very good at reading these signs so it might not be the case, but anyway I'm not going to talk to him any deeper than I've already done now about ABF.
I've never really had male friends and its been really good for me to get to know some more men as I reached out around me and learn what is normal/not normal and to learn about relationships from their side too. I've been so sheltered and in such bad environments, I'm going through a massive learning curve of the real world!
Last edited by Wavy; 03-14-2013 at 05:54 AM. Reason: typo
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Dear Wavy, think of it this way---he gets to take his feelings and emotions to his "best friend"---ALCOHOL. Why can't you take your feelings and emotions to a best friend of your own.
He is being unfair.
dandylion
He is being unfair.
dandylion
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The night my XABF first assaulted me, when his sister and mom called me during the fight (before the actual assault took place), I told them what he was doing, hoping they could talk to him and calm him down since I couldn't. He was so ANGRY at me for telling them the truth. The day after the assault, when I told him he had to call his sister back because she was worried about him, he accused me of "sabotaging" him with his family.
That was when I put my foot down and kicked him out. He was refusing to take responsibility for his actions. After being verbally and physically abusive towards me, he accused ME of sabotage...
In the first few months of the relationship, when red flags about his drinking problem rose up now and then, before he ever assaulted me, I ignored the signs and kept them to myself. I did not tell my close friends and family what was going on, out of "respect" for my XABF and the relationship. I did not feel they needed to know his and our business. Had I spoken up about the worries buried deep down in my gut and in the dark recesses of my mind, my loved ones would probably have helped me to see the truth about my ex's alcoholism, and maybe I would have left the relationship before he ever assaulted me....
There's no turning back now either way. I'm just grateful and relieved that I am now safe and have peace of mind. And I'm so appreciative for the support of my loved ones and SR. I think it's very important to have a strong support system, and to be honest when you have a gut feeling that something is terribly wrong. People outside the relationship who know and love us can give us clarity about a situation that we might be seeing through an obscured and faulty lens...
That was when I put my foot down and kicked him out. He was refusing to take responsibility for his actions. After being verbally and physically abusive towards me, he accused ME of sabotage...
In the first few months of the relationship, when red flags about his drinking problem rose up now and then, before he ever assaulted me, I ignored the signs and kept them to myself. I did not tell my close friends and family what was going on, out of "respect" for my XABF and the relationship. I did not feel they needed to know his and our business. Had I spoken up about the worries buried deep down in my gut and in the dark recesses of my mind, my loved ones would probably have helped me to see the truth about my ex's alcoholism, and maybe I would have left the relationship before he ever assaulted me....
There's no turning back now either way. I'm just grateful and relieved that I am now safe and have peace of mind. And I'm so appreciative for the support of my loved ones and SR. I think it's very important to have a strong support system, and to be honest when you have a gut feeling that something is terribly wrong. People outside the relationship who know and love us can give us clarity about a situation that we might be seeing through an obscured and faulty lens...
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He,s a controller who wants to isolate you.
QUOTE=Wavy;3859919]Something I've seen come up a couple of times of the forum and something that came up yesterday for me was discussing your relationship with external people.
A few people mentioned their SO had talked to another woman about their relationship problems and it had hurt them and I think I understand that logically, although I've not been in that position (I was more worried that ABF never mentioned me at all to anyone, like I didn't exist).
ABF told me yesterday that he doesn't think anyone outside our relationship should know anything about it and that I shouldn't talk to people about us/him. Until recently he has purposely isolated me from having friends. He even once said that he didn't want me to have friends because they would convince me to leave him! It was very isolating and added to my confusion because I had no one to talk things through with. Now I have one friend, ONE FRIEND! And I really appreciate having a bit more of a tentative support network in place, talking to her really helps me straighten my head out. I trust her to keep it to herself, I'm not exactly shouting it from the rooftops and spreading it around. He doesn't like me going to a counsellor or Al-Anon either.
My question is when is it/isn't it OK to talk to other people about your relationship? Clearly talking to other people about their relationship has been hurtful for some people, does it make a difference if they are of the opposite sex? Am I doing anything wrong that I can't see? Is it a big relationship no no for me to take that kind of support? I've spent so long in the mire I'm not really sure what is normal/OK anymore![/QUOTE]
He,s a controller who wants to isolate you.
QUOTE=Wavy;3859919]Something I've seen come up a couple of times of the forum and something that came up yesterday for me was discussing your relationship with external people.
A few people mentioned their SO had talked to another woman about their relationship problems and it had hurt them and I think I understand that logically, although I've not been in that position (I was more worried that ABF never mentioned me at all to anyone, like I didn't exist).
ABF told me yesterday that he doesn't think anyone outside our relationship should know anything about it and that I shouldn't talk to people about us/him. Until recently he has purposely isolated me from having friends. He even once said that he didn't want me to have friends because they would convince me to leave him! It was very isolating and added to my confusion because I had no one to talk things through with. Now I have one friend, ONE FRIEND! And I really appreciate having a bit more of a tentative support network in place, talking to her really helps me straighten my head out. I trust her to keep it to herself, I'm not exactly shouting it from the rooftops and spreading it around. He doesn't like me going to a counsellor or Al-Anon either.
My question is when is it/isn't it OK to talk to other people about your relationship? Clearly talking to other people about their relationship has been hurtful for some people, does it make a difference if they are of the opposite sex? Am I doing anything wrong that I can't see? Is it a big relationship no no for me to take that kind of support? I've spent so long in the mire I'm not really sure what is normal/OK anymore![/QUOTE]
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