kcahill22

my bad habits started when i was 15, I had a very tragic thing happen to me that doesnt need to be said ive come to terms with it. But then i started drinking at 16 doing coke smoking weed taking pills it never went further then that but i hit it hard. I went thru very rough times with my father who i hold a lot of anger and resentment for. My mom left when i was 4 i dont remember her when i was little i just remember untill i was 12 crying in my room for my mom, every night. Thats one of the few very few memories that i have, my dad starting hitting and beating me at an early age and when youre 7 and your dad is 6 foot and however many pounds i think you get the idea. He always showed favoritism towards my sister. soo 16 then till i was 19 i was blowing coke every day with my boyfriend drinking selling lots of drugs. Then when i left him i was fine for a couple years i do things recreationally then i met my sons father and we were outo f control for a long time then my back got worse and i got started on the pain pills, I was hooked immediately now its effecting my life my relationship who is the best thing that couldve happened to me.. Hes my support my rock my gravity that holds me to this earth without him and levi i dont think i would be around. And that scares me alot ive come into this depression from being sick for soo long and getting no help from any drs and its been a struggle. I sit at home everyday with my son its not to want them, they numb my pain they make me forget about the negative things in my life i could do anything on them, but ive finally admitted that i have a problem and i want nothing but the positive in my life i need to learn to love myself again i give out so much of me but inside im really like an empty shell.

hypochondriac

Welcome to SR Kcahill I am sorry you have had such a tough time. You say doctors have been no help... have you sought out any help from someone who specialises in addiction? Or maybe even an NA meeting? x

Ilovetea

I'm sorry to hear that KC. I'm here if you need to talk do much love peace and happiness

coffeetogo

All the best with your recovery kcahill. You will find a lot if support on here.

trachemys

The definition of lost is when neither you nor anyone else knows where you are.

You aren't lost. We know where you are. We've been there and now you're here with us. This is a great place to start reclaiming your life.

2granddaughters

I know just how you feel. I kicked and fought and ran until I ended up in a Recovery Home in 1989 feeling just like Humpty Dumpty... ruined beyond repair.

I knew the booze and drugs wasn't my problem... they were the solution, the answer to my problem(s).

Nothing worked until I finally was beaten and surrendered to Alcoholics Anonymous. AA not only got me sober and has kept me sober but I found the treatment to all my ills in the 12 Steps, my sponsor, my God and the members.

This doesn't have to get worse, it can get better if you make a commitment to recovery of body, mind, emotion and spirit. AA works for me.

All the best.

Bob R

Dee74

Hi and welcome kc

I used drugs and booze to numb myself and try and forget about the bad things of my life too - trouble is I used them so much, eventually they became worse than any other pain or bad thing in my life.

You're making a great decision to stop and you'll find a lot of support here

D

kcahill22

thank you it means a lot i have support from my loved ones who choose to be in my life, and being lost emotionally is what i meant i want the old me back and i know i can do it i already have started and my boyfriend today told me that he can start to see the sparkle coming back into my eyes and that meant a lot to me i lost the old me and i wanna make a better me the lovable passionate intelligent person i know i am, i have made my mistakes but im finally being a woman and realizing that i have to live life not watch it pass me by the past year has been rough the relationships i have always been in were not good so i have it drilled even by my father that nothing i do is good enough. But i learned to reach my own goals and not worry about pleasing everyone else i have soo much love for my son and boyfriend but none for myself and im starting to feel her again and its an uplifting emotional step i want to live my life to the fullest and be the best wife and mother i know i am

kcahill22

the drs are my regular drs ive been very sick with my stomach this past year spent numerous hours and days in the hospital some months i would be in there 3 or 4 times. and its just been a struggle trying to get health insurance and finding drs who actually want to help me ive actually already have oral surgery planned for april and to get a scope down my throat. no one can find out whats wrong and its soo frustrating cuz its taken over my life as well taking the pills. the pills took my pain away made me feel better. i know i can stop taking i dont think i was soo much addicted as my body kinda needed them cuz i had been taking them for soo long, i did abuse them tho and i kinda started down a downward spiral. i started a new depression medicine and quit smoking and its really been helping. when my back hurts cuz i have a curved spine and pinched nerves and buldging disks. I have faith i can get thru this ive already started to see the old me again and it feels good i like what i see in the mirror i just have to work on loving myself as much as i love other people.

kcahill22

[QUOTE=kcahill22;3861514]the drs are my regular drs ive been very sick with my stomach this past year spent numerous hours and days in the hospital some months i would be in there 3 or 4 times. and its just been a struggle trying to get health insurance and finding drs who actually want to help me ive actually already have oral surgery planned for april and to get a scope down my throat. no one can find out whats wrong and its soo frustrating cuz its taken over my life as well taking the pills. the pills took my pain away made me feel better. i know i can stop taking i dont think i was soo much addicted as my body kinda needed them cuz i had been taking them for soo long, i did abuse them tho and i kinda started down a downward spiral. i started a new depression medicine and quit smoking and its really been helping. when my back hurts cuz i have a curved spine and pinched nerves and buldging disks. I have faith i can get thru this ive already started to see the old me again and it feels good i like what i see in the mirror i just have to work on loving myself as much as i love other people.

kcahill22

this song means a lot to me
"Read All About It (Pt. III)"


You've got the words to change a nation
But you're biting your tongue
You've spent a life time stuck in silence
Afraid you'll say something wrong
If no one ever hears it how we gonna learn your song?
So come on, come on
Come on, come on
You've got a heart as loud as lions
So why let your voice be tamed?
Baby we're a little different
There's no need to be ashamed
You've got the light to fight the shadows
So stop hiding it away
Come on, Come on

I wanna sing, I wanna shout
I wanna scream till the words dry out
So put it in all of the papers,
I'm not afraid
They can read all about it
Read all about it, oh
Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh

At night we're waking up the neighbours
While we sing away the blues
Making sure that we remember, yeah
Cause we all matter too
If the truth has been forbidden
Then we're breaking all the rules
So come on, come on
Come on, come on,
Let's get the TV and the radio
To play our tune again
It's 'bout time we got some airplay of our version of events
There's no need to be afraid
I will sing with you my friend
Come on, come on

I wanna sing, I wanna shout
I wanna scream till the words dry out
So put it in all of the papers,
I'm not afraid
They can read all about it
Read all about it, oh
Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh

Yeah, we're all wonderful, wonderful people
So when did we all get so fearful?
Now we're finally finding our voices
So take a chance, come help me sing this
Yeah, we're all wonderful, wonderful people
So when did we all get so fearful?
And now we're finally finding our voices
Just take a chance, come help me sing this

I wanna sing, I wanna shout
I wanna scream till the words dry out
So put it in all of the papers,
I'm not afraid
They can read all about it
Read all about it, oh
Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh

I wanna sing, I wanna shout
I wanna scream till the words dry out
So put it in all of the papers,
I'm not afraid
They can read all about it
Read all about it, oh

kcahill22

today was the first day that i took a deep breath in and just felt me it was one of the happiest feelings ever i felt me again i felt happy

2granddaughters

Those times when our body/head/heart/soul are all in the same place at the same time is a spiritual experience.

All the best.

Bob R