EverHopeful721

Okay, maybe 'revenge' is too strong a word. But everyone keeps asking me, "When are you going to get angry? Why do you care about what happens to him? Why don't you want to 'go off' on him?"

Now don't get me wrong. There was a time right after he broke it off (and I had stopped my initial bout of crying) that I wanted to take a baseball bat to his brand-new truck and slash the tires or go over and confront him so I could yell, scream and cry to him (and maybe even hit him). But those urges were very fleeting and nowhere near as strong as my desires to be with him or feel sorry for him or feel guilty about 'betraying' him to my brothers and now he can't get his tattoos done. So many people have told me that they would want to get back at him, verbally, physically or through vandalizing his house/truck.

Do you think it's just that my full-blown anger hasn't hit me yet because I'm still in the grieving/loss stage? Or are my codie issues so severe that even when my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on, I still find a way to feel bad and blame myself?? Honestly, the thought crossed my mind today that maybe I should ask (well, it would be more like BEG, because I know he'd be so against doing it and probably wouldn't even agree to it) my brother to just do his tattoos and then we can all most likely be done with him (and yes, I can admit that a BIG draw for me is that then maybe he wouldn't hate me for ruining his friendship with my brothers and not being able to get his tats done and at least if I ever crossed his mind in the future, maybe he'd actually think fondly of me and the time we spent together)....God, did I just answer my own question?? Am I really THAT much of a codependent, that I can't even stand for someone who used me and most of the time treated me like crap to not like me or be mad at me??? Or do you think it's just because my anger hasn't really reared its head yet? Man, I'm starting to think that I am REALLY messed up and beyond any help....

Any advice/feedback anybody could give would be great - thanks!

EverHopeful721

Oh, and please let me clarify that I would NEVER do any of those things to him, vandalize his house/truck or physically hurt him. I'm not looking for anyone to egg me on to go attack someone or commit a crime, lol. I just don't understand why I'm not as angry as everyone else seems to think I should be...??

allforcnm

I cant say for certain, but when my husband was actively using and we separated for a while, it was sort of like a shock or a trauma.. and it took a while for all my emotions to surface. Like the reality of the situation, and what my brain knew, and also how I physically responded - it just took time for them to all get in sync. But in my case, the tears came, anger came, acceptance came all in due time. I never had intense anger in my case, but I mean some people do. I think we are all just wired differently.

dollydo

Probably a bunch of different reasons, working through a break up and codependency is not a walk in the park.

I would stay out of your brothers business, he will handle the issue himself. Don't worry about what he thinks of you....and yes,that is what we codies
attempt to do, smooth everything over.

EverHopeful721

Thank you, allforcnm and dollydo, for the feedback. Yes, I go between feeling numb and feeling overwhelming pain and sadness, which is how I feel today. And I admit, every now and then, there are little flashes of anger that fly out, but as I said, are quickly squelched. On top of that, I'm normally a person who keeps a tight lid on their anger, always pushing it down and sitting on it so as not to make any waves or get anyone upset (I'm sure this has a lot to do with being a codependent since I was a little girl). I guess only time will tell....