Ashamed of the feelings I'm having.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1
Ashamed of the feelings I'm having.
When I met my boyfriend, he was a heavy drinker. He did cut down quite a bit after our relationship started, but his drinking has been the cause of several issues throughout our relationship. Many times, I've heart "I'm sorry. I won't drink again. I can't drink again." I thought he controlled his drinking, so I kept believing it.
In February, the last binge drinking escapade, I told him I couldn't be in this relationship anymore. I couldn't live with the way he picks a fight to justify the drinking. The way he speaks to me when he's drunk. How he tells me it's my fault for making him drink. Or how he might decide to ignore me for 3 days while he drinks. He broke down and confessed he couldn't control it. What starts out as thinking he will only have one, becomes drinking until he passes out. And he wakes up with shame and regret the next day.
He is in the military, and he went to their mental health facility. He was evaluated and deemed alcohol dependent. He as started classes, which will be followed up by A.A.
My daughter and I are supposed to be moving in with him soon. And I have made it very clear that until I know he is serious about finishing the classes and has a plan for recovery and sobriety in place, I can't do it. My father was an alcoholic, and I won't raise my child in that environment. I love him and support him getting better. I know he needs these classes, I know he will need A.A. I know it's not something he can control on his own.
But...
I have these feelings, perhaps irrational but so very real. I am worried about the attachment he will develop with the people (particularly women) throughout his recovery. I have heard and read so many negative experiences with physical and emotional infidelity. I am not being as supportive as I want to be, or as I need to be. I am embarrassed and ashamed to say that I am harboring jealousy of these potential attachments and fear that he will cheat.
I don't know who to talk to about this. I know this isn't normal, but I don't know how to deal with it. If anyone has, or has any suggestion - it would be very much appreciated.
In February, the last binge drinking escapade, I told him I couldn't be in this relationship anymore. I couldn't live with the way he picks a fight to justify the drinking. The way he speaks to me when he's drunk. How he tells me it's my fault for making him drink. Or how he might decide to ignore me for 3 days while he drinks. He broke down and confessed he couldn't control it. What starts out as thinking he will only have one, becomes drinking until he passes out. And he wakes up with shame and regret the next day.
He is in the military, and he went to their mental health facility. He was evaluated and deemed alcohol dependent. He as started classes, which will be followed up by A.A.
My daughter and I are supposed to be moving in with him soon. And I have made it very clear that until I know he is serious about finishing the classes and has a plan for recovery and sobriety in place, I can't do it. My father was an alcoholic, and I won't raise my child in that environment. I love him and support him getting better. I know he needs these classes, I know he will need A.A. I know it's not something he can control on his own.
But...
I have these feelings, perhaps irrational but so very real. I am worried about the attachment he will develop with the people (particularly women) throughout his recovery. I have heard and read so many negative experiences with physical and emotional infidelity. I am not being as supportive as I want to be, or as I need to be. I am embarrassed and ashamed to say that I am harboring jealousy of these potential attachments and fear that he will cheat.
I don't know who to talk to about this. I know this isn't normal, but I don't know how to deal with it. If anyone has, or has any suggestion - it would be very much appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
There is enough real stuff right now to focus on, why drive yourself crazy with "potential" problems. We can spin and spin and spin over the what if's. There is really nothing you can do about it no matter what he decides, so keep the focus back on you. His recovery is his.
You are doing the right thing by living seperately right now. Especially since you have a daughter to protect. I would suggest you find an AlAnon group near you. You will find much needed support and experience in those meetings as you go through this journey.
You are doing the right thing by living seperately right now. Especially since you have a daughter to protect. I would suggest you find an AlAnon group near you. You will find much needed support and experience in those meetings as you go through this journey.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I agree with Recovering. COULD something like that happen? Sure. People also cheat on loved ones when there is no addiction involved, at all.
If he gets in with the right group of people in AA, trust me, they will counsel him to stay WELL away from the women in the program. Not that he will never have a friendly exchange with them before or after the meeting--but no heart-to-hearts, no meeting each other for "mutual support" stuff. There's a saying I've heard many times in the rooms, "Underneath every skirt there's a slip." (Women have equivalent sayings--my sponsor used to tell me "The men in the program will pat you on the ass--the women in the program will SAVE your ass.")
All things considered, I think infidelity is more likely for a man who is still drinking than one who is in solid recovery mode. Nothing is ever guaranteed, but it simply doesn't strike me as something that should be at the top of anyone's worry list--a worry list that will get shorter, incidentally, to the extent you pursue your own recovery.
If he gets in with the right group of people in AA, trust me, they will counsel him to stay WELL away from the women in the program. Not that he will never have a friendly exchange with them before or after the meeting--but no heart-to-hearts, no meeting each other for "mutual support" stuff. There's a saying I've heard many times in the rooms, "Underneath every skirt there's a slip." (Women have equivalent sayings--my sponsor used to tell me "The men in the program will pat you on the ass--the women in the program will SAVE your ass.")
All things considered, I think infidelity is more likely for a man who is still drinking than one who is in solid recovery mode. Nothing is ever guaranteed, but it simply doesn't strike me as something that should be at the top of anyone's worry list--a worry list that will get shorter, incidentally, to the extent you pursue your own recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, LianaE. I hope you find lots of support, wisdom, and hope here as I have.
Well, I agree with the other posters that it is pointless to "future trip" about things that haven't happened yet. And I can't help but wonder if it is a way to avoid addressing what is happening now. Like moving in with a recovering alcoholic, after growing up with one. And not just the ramifications for you, but with your daughter in tow. There are no guarantees that recovery will be a smooth and successful affair. For many, it is a long and bumpy road.
I am glad he is seeking support. I second the idea that you seek some support for you, too. Al-Anon is wonderful, and very inexpensive!
I'd also suggest reading as much as you can about alcoholism. Under the Influence is a good one. Lots of folks here recommend Codependent No more, by Melody Beattie and Getting Them Sober, by Toby Rice Drews.
Keep posting and keep coming back!
~T
Well, I agree with the other posters that it is pointless to "future trip" about things that haven't happened yet. And I can't help but wonder if it is a way to avoid addressing what is happening now. Like moving in with a recovering alcoholic, after growing up with one. And not just the ramifications for you, but with your daughter in tow. There are no guarantees that recovery will be a smooth and successful affair. For many, it is a long and bumpy road.
I am glad he is seeking support. I second the idea that you seek some support for you, too. Al-Anon is wonderful, and very inexpensive!
I'd also suggest reading as much as you can about alcoholism. Under the Influence is a good one. Lots of folks here recommend Codependent No more, by Melody Beattie and Getting Them Sober, by Toby Rice Drews.
Keep posting and keep coming back!
~T
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
If you move in...
...you will be raising your child in that environment. Period. End of story. If you really meant that you won't raise your child in that environment, you would not have dated a heavy drinker to begin with. Knowing what you know, what made you think, even for a second, that dating a heavy drinker was a good idea?
If you move in with this man before he has YEARS of sobriety and a solid recovery program, in my opinion you are condemning your child to a hellish childhood.
I say this as a man who condemned his daughter to the same childhood you are considering condemning your child to, and it was the biggest, most selfish, mistake I have ever made in my life. My daughter, my truly innocent daughter, has been the real victim of alcoholism in our family because of my wife's drinking and me continuing to subject her to it for years. She is now a 17 year old alcoholic/addict herself, with cutting, sex, and eating disorders thrown in for good measure. Her alcoholic mother, and me trying to control her drinking and our daughter too, pretty much guaranteed that result.
I'm the father of the decade!!!
You have a chance to stop it now. Do you love your daughter enough, is she enough of a priority, for you to make the best decision for her, rather than the decision you clearly want to make to stay with this alcoholic that will make her childhood a living hell?
My heart breaks for your daughter, and I feel for you, but he is an adult man and will be fine without you, as you are an adult woman and will be fine without him. The problem is that your daughter WILL NOT be fine with him, nor will she be fine with you until you learn how to make better decisions about men.
Please consider Alanon in order to become the person, and mother, you want to be. It will also help you to make different decisions about men.
Protect your daughter.
Protect your daughter.
Protect your daughter.
Good luck,
Cyranoak
P.s. What he says is meaningless. Alcoholics, and you already know this, can't make promises. It doesn't matter if they mean it when they way it. It would be like me promising not to blink for the rest of my life. I can do it for awhile, but unless I'm dead I'm eventually going to blink.
If you move in with this man before he has YEARS of sobriety and a solid recovery program, in my opinion you are condemning your child to a hellish childhood.
I say this as a man who condemned his daughter to the same childhood you are considering condemning your child to, and it was the biggest, most selfish, mistake I have ever made in my life. My daughter, my truly innocent daughter, has been the real victim of alcoholism in our family because of my wife's drinking and me continuing to subject her to it for years. She is now a 17 year old alcoholic/addict herself, with cutting, sex, and eating disorders thrown in for good measure. Her alcoholic mother, and me trying to control her drinking and our daughter too, pretty much guaranteed that result.
I'm the father of the decade!!!
You have a chance to stop it now. Do you love your daughter enough, is she enough of a priority, for you to make the best decision for her, rather than the decision you clearly want to make to stay with this alcoholic that will make her childhood a living hell?
My heart breaks for your daughter, and I feel for you, but he is an adult man and will be fine without you, as you are an adult woman and will be fine without him. The problem is that your daughter WILL NOT be fine with him, nor will she be fine with you until you learn how to make better decisions about men.
Please consider Alanon in order to become the person, and mother, you want to be. It will also help you to make different decisions about men.
Protect your daughter.
Protect your daughter.
Protect your daughter.
Good luck,
Cyranoak
P.s. What he says is meaningless. Alcoholics, and you already know this, can't make promises. It doesn't matter if they mean it when they way it. It would be like me promising not to blink for the rest of my life. I can do it for awhile, but unless I'm dead I'm eventually going to blink.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Ditto what Cyneroak said.
If you really mean it that it would be better NOT to repeat the past - then LEARN from it. Face the truth of the situation and what you know now. Is this how you want to live your life? Wondering - we all know what it is like to have feelings but decisions about your future need to be based on facts you do have control over.
If you really mean it that it would be better NOT to repeat the past - then LEARN from it. Face the truth of the situation and what you know now. Is this how you want to live your life? Wondering - we all know what it is like to have feelings but decisions about your future need to be based on facts you do have control over.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: south carolina
Posts: 38
I have these feelings, perhaps irrational but so very real. I am worried about the attachment he will develop with the people (particularly women) throughout his recovery. I have heard and read so many negative experiences with physical and emotional infidelity. I am not being as supportive as I want to be, or as I need to be.
I'm in recovery and I can tell you first, AA is predominantly men - older men. If we're lucky, it's 50-50 but usually it's 75-25 or worst, men to women. For the women that are there, AA is predominantly older women, like 50s and over. Younger women make up a very small fraction of AA membership. Of those that are there, most are married or dating someone. Of the ones that aren't married or dating someone, your boyfriend, straight off the streets of addiction, is not going to be anyone's idea of a prize. I know you love him, but we know how sick he really is and how small his chance of success really is at the beginning. No one wants to see your BF die, that's not what we're here for, and taking his mind off his recovery in the beginning is signing his death warrant. As for as new women that have just walked into the rooms, there may be 1 or 2, that's it, that would look at your BF. He has way better odds at work, at the grocery store, at the gas station, at the mall, and especially at the liquor store or the bar.
If you want, maybe go to a few meetings so you can put your mind at rest. Unless your boyfriend is the type to hit on every woman he sees, which means he's already cheating, the women in AA are no threat to you.
PS If he doesn't get sober, you won't have a relationship. So keeping him from getting the support he needs is only guaranteeing you have no future. At least with him sober and in recovery, you have a chance.
I'm in recovery and I can tell you first, AA is predominantly men - older men. If we're lucky, it's 50-50 but usually it's 75-25 or worst, men to women. For the women that are there, AA is predominantly older women, like 50s and over. Younger women make up a very small fraction of AA membership. Of those that are there, most are married or dating someone. Of the ones that aren't married or dating someone, your boyfriend, straight off the streets of addiction, is not going to be anyone's idea of a prize. I know you love him, but we know how sick he really is and how small his chance of success really is at the beginning. No one wants to see your BF die, that's not what we're here for, and taking his mind off his recovery in the beginning is signing his death warrant. As for as new women that have just walked into the rooms, there may be 1 or 2, that's it, that would look at your BF. He has way better odds at work, at the grocery store, at the gas station, at the mall, and especially at the liquor store or the bar.
If you want, maybe go to a few meetings so you can put your mind at rest. Unless your boyfriend is the type to hit on every woman he sees, which means he's already cheating, the women in AA are no threat to you.
PS If he doesn't get sober, you won't have a relationship. So keeping him from getting the support he needs is only guaranteeing you have no future. At least with him sober and in recovery, you have a chance.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi LianaE,
Welcome to the boards. You are doing the right thing by seeking out information to help you process this relationship.
Alcoholism is a family disease and I still suffer from it although I never drank alcoholically. I am an adult child of an alcoholic as you are and what we experienced as children in a dysfunctional alcoholic homes hardwires us to be attracted to men (or women for the guys) that "take us home" ... usually an alcoholic just like dear old dad.
They say that being a child of an alcoholic predisposes us to either be alcoholic ourselves or marry one. I have six siblings... 5 girls and 1 boy... the girls all married A's and my brother became one. It's not scientific but it we were one screwed up bunch... some of us are still screwed up and some us got involved with counseling and alanon.
We are still screwed up ....lol... but less so and at least we understand why we feel the way we do and have "bad pickers" when it comes to men!
My love of my life is an A... 4 years spent with him "supporting his recovery" which meant controlling his recovery (a big no no). We have been split up over a year and he got sober on his own and was doing very, very well until yesterday.
We have been 3000 miles apart although he has been diligently trying to get me let him back into my heart and life. No dice. I promised a date in another country 1 year from his last drink. He has drank twice since that statement and each time he resets the "date clock" with a picture of him getting a white chip.
He just drank. again. He is a chronic relapser. He will most likely die in his addiction. I love him. But I am not devatstated, crying or derailed today. Because of this board, alanon, great counselors I know I am not God and cannot in any way "save" him. He must save himself.
I probably will not get my date in Tahiti. I will probably get an obituary instead. It just is what it is. Tragic. It is heartbreakingly sad.
But I am powerless to stop it from happening. And you are powerless too... you cannot control his drinking or a decision he might make to betray your trust. The odds are MUCH HIGHER that he would betray you because he is an alcoholic!
I am sharing that with you because your child sees everything you are doing and the choices you are making today. What you model will become hard wiring for her... please do not set the course for another generation to be harmed by the disease of alcoholism!
Break the cycle of addiction. Keep your distance until you see solid recovery for at least ... one year. TWO YEARS is a better indicator. Alcoholism is forever... relapse is always a very real and sadly, high probability...
A's... recovering are slightly better than using A's... but they are NOT great relationship material!
They just aren't. And recovery is a LIFESTYLE and if he is a REAL alcoholic he needs to stay very plugged into AA for LIFE. If you are worried now imagine him going to meeting every day for the rest of your life!
That is the best way to insure that he doesn't drink again. It's a lifestyle that you may not want.
I suggest you go to AA meetings yourself (not necessarily with your A) and get to know this disease from a recovery view point. Go to Alanon... a lot of different meetings. With your own past it will be a great thing!
And protect that child. With every fiber of your being.
Good luck.
Welcome to the boards. You are doing the right thing by seeking out information to help you process this relationship.
Alcoholism is a family disease and I still suffer from it although I never drank alcoholically. I am an adult child of an alcoholic as you are and what we experienced as children in a dysfunctional alcoholic homes hardwires us to be attracted to men (or women for the guys) that "take us home" ... usually an alcoholic just like dear old dad.
They say that being a child of an alcoholic predisposes us to either be alcoholic ourselves or marry one. I have six siblings... 5 girls and 1 boy... the girls all married A's and my brother became one. It's not scientific but it we were one screwed up bunch... some of us are still screwed up and some us got involved with counseling and alanon.
We are still screwed up ....lol... but less so and at least we understand why we feel the way we do and have "bad pickers" when it comes to men!
My love of my life is an A... 4 years spent with him "supporting his recovery" which meant controlling his recovery (a big no no). We have been split up over a year and he got sober on his own and was doing very, very well until yesterday.
We have been 3000 miles apart although he has been diligently trying to get me let him back into my heart and life. No dice. I promised a date in another country 1 year from his last drink. He has drank twice since that statement and each time he resets the "date clock" with a picture of him getting a white chip.
He just drank. again. He is a chronic relapser. He will most likely die in his addiction. I love him. But I am not devatstated, crying or derailed today. Because of this board, alanon, great counselors I know I am not God and cannot in any way "save" him. He must save himself.
I probably will not get my date in Tahiti. I will probably get an obituary instead. It just is what it is. Tragic. It is heartbreakingly sad.
But I am powerless to stop it from happening. And you are powerless too... you cannot control his drinking or a decision he might make to betray your trust. The odds are MUCH HIGHER that he would betray you because he is an alcoholic!
I am sharing that with you because your child sees everything you are doing and the choices you are making today. What you model will become hard wiring for her... please do not set the course for another generation to be harmed by the disease of alcoholism!
Break the cycle of addiction. Keep your distance until you see solid recovery for at least ... one year. TWO YEARS is a better indicator. Alcoholism is forever... relapse is always a very real and sadly, high probability...
A's... recovering are slightly better than using A's... but they are NOT great relationship material!
They just aren't. And recovery is a LIFESTYLE and if he is a REAL alcoholic he needs to stay very plugged into AA for LIFE. If you are worried now imagine him going to meeting every day for the rest of your life!
That is the best way to insure that he doesn't drink again. It's a lifestyle that you may not want.
I suggest you go to AA meetings yourself (not necessarily with your A) and get to know this disease from a recovery view point. Go to Alanon... a lot of different meetings. With your own past it will be a great thing!
And protect that child. With every fiber of your being.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orillia, Ont., Canada
Posts: 165
Hi, Lianna, welcome to SR, I think that you will find it a very useful and supportive site. I agree with both you and those that have posted in recognising that you absolutely cannot live with an "active" alcoholic, especially as you have a daughter. What sort of conserns me is that you seem to be assuming that if he gets into solid recovery, he will for some reason no longer want you, i.e., you seem to be saying that only someone "damaged" would want you. This might be realistic to the degree that no relationship is ever guaranteed, but perhaps you might find it helpful to work on your own self esteem issues while your boyfreind works on his issues, perhaps though therapy, reading, or alanon, which sounds like a good fit for the daughter of an alcoholic. At any rate, selling yourself short will certainly not benefit yourself, your daughter, or your boyfriend. I hope that you come to see that that you are of far more value than you currently seem to give yourself credit for, and sincerely wish you all the best. Happy endings really do happen, you know, and you deserve one just as much as anyone does. Best of luck to you, rick
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Originally Posted by Cyranoak 
[I][U].. If you really meant that you won't raise your child in that environment, you would not have dated a heavy drinker to begin with. Knowing what you know, what made you think, even for a second, that dating a heavy drinker was a good idea?
I, and I feel for you, but he is an adult man and will be fine without you, as you are an adult woman and will be fine without him.
Please consider Alanon in order to become the person, and mother, you want to be. It will also help you to make different decisions about men
Good luck,
Cyranoak
P.s. What he says is meaningless. Alcoholics, and you already know this, can't make promises. It doesn't matter if they mean it when they way it. It would be like me promising not to blink for the rest of my life. I can do it for awhile, but unless I'm dead I'm eventually going to blink.
I, and I feel for you, but he is an adult man and will be fine without you, as you are an adult woman and will be fine without him.
Please consider Alanon in order to become the person, and mother, you want to be. It will also help you to make different decisions about men
Good luck,
Cyranoak
P.s. What he says is meaningless. Alcoholics, and you already know this, can't make promises. It doesn't matter if they mean it when they way it. It would be like me promising not to blink for the rest of my life. I can do it for awhile, but unless I'm dead I'm eventually going to blink.
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