CAgirl9

My DD is 14 and out of school early this week - conference week. We were on our way to lunch - I thought it would be fun to go out to lunch together. As we were driving to lunch she was speaking with a lot of attitude and I gently asked her to stop speaking to me that way and if she realized how she sounded. Of course being a teenager she denied she was speaking to me disrespectfully and said shecan never say anything to me. I told her it wasn't her words but her tone. Next thing I knew she said "you're crazy!" I'm crushed! I guess this is typical teenage behavior but I'm still so fresh in my recovery I'm having a hard time dealing with this. RAH has really been trying to manipulate her and I'm not sure if this is part of that or just regular teenage behavior on her part. Need a little help seeing through the fog on this one.
Thanks!!

Florence

The best advice I've gotten for dealing with a teenager is acting like a "dispassionate cop." You know how cops are when they're putting a pile of drunk kids in the back of a police car? Cool, detached, nothing they say is personal, just the facts, no arguing, in control.

Can you tell I live in a college town? LOTS OF KIDS.

I've heard it said that nothing a parent says to a child is neutral, and I've been trying to keep that in mind in my interactions with DS13. We've had some blow outs in the last year and I've learned that my role in that is to step back and be the adult, don't engage, and pick my battles. Some hills -- like the "don't take that tone with me" hill -- are ones I'm not prepared to die on.

For some reason, DS13 loves to get hung up on arguments that can be interpreted in more than one way, such as what his tone ACTUALLY meant, whether he had a disrespectful tone, or what the definition of "is" is. I try not to get dragged down that rabbit hole.

marie1960

Gotta love those teenage girls!!

Having raised three girls, I can remember being upset about their choice of words or their tone of voice. Or just being snotty in general.

I would be dwelling on their unacceptable words/ actions
and for them it was long forgotten........ they think they are so mature, but we as parents know better.

Try to remember they are hormones walking around in clothes, AND the FILTER for their mouth has not completely developed yet. I think it took my youngest till she was 25 to gain control of her precious, argumentative, smart mouth.

For years, all I said, "Don't you be talking smack to me" why? because that is what my mother said to me.

We lead by example, keep doing what you are doing. ((((Hugs))))

SoaringSpirits

I have four kids, three are teens. Two are girls. You get my drift.

Don't forget about HUMOR. It can dilute the most tense moments. As in, when your daughter says you are crazy, you laugh and say "Yeah, well, maybe I am crazy!" and then say "Hey, how about that Chinese place we love for lunch?" followed closely by "I just love you SO much!"

You gotta let it roll off you. I know it's hard. Teens are both pushing us away and pulling us near. It's crazy. Keeping the humor going will help a lot.

LexieCat

OMG, yeah. Listen, a teenager does not have to have an alcoholic pulling his/her strings to come out with disrespectful comments. Don't let them smell blood. If they sense they are getting somewhere with it--distressing you in a way that will make you back off--you're toast.

Don't overreact to the snide comments, particularly those that are made in private. Being disrespectful in public was where I drew the line--I always reminded them that I tried not to embarrass them in front of others, and that I would appreciate the same courtesy. But it sounds like your daughter was just venting. Doesn't make her right, and I doubt she believes it.

CAgirl9

Thank you!! Thank you!! Thank you!! I feel so much better reading all the comments. My DD is a great kid - it's comforting to know this is all normal teenage behavior and not necessarily fallout from living with RAH.
I love the idea of keeping humor in mind. When I read what Soaring Sprits wrote:

Don't forget about HUMOR. It can dilute the most tense moments. As in, when your daughter says you are crazy, you laugh and say "Yeah, well, maybe I am crazy!" and then say "Hey, how about that Chinese place we love for lunch?" followed closely by "I just love you SO much!"

I was thinking, Yeah maybe I am crazy - I've been living with RAH 18 years! Of course I would never say that to DD but I guess I can think it to help with the humor!

And, LexieCat - yes, I need to let her not smell blood.

Thanks again!!

julez

Teenaged girls are bratty. Nuff said

Rosiepetal

Me & my girls actually joke about me being crazy, usually as it heads towards Friday & I get more tired & more crazy lol.
The other night I had a great conversation about periods & bras with my 12 year old.
Later I thought.......Awww she's all gwoed up.
I have masses of this hormone teenage behaviour to look forward to I know.
You're a great Mum, they're just teenagers.

exauhsted

Try living with a teenage Granddaughter who hates her 8 year old brother(now that she's all mature)Even though when he was younger he was ALL THAT! and now absoletly loves her 20 month old brother. It's a funny thing to watch them grow and change from one stage to another. Trust me she will grow out of the stage she's in and it will all come around to an even tone.They just got to be cool in their own space. Hang in there and ride it out with a touch of humor...like soringspirts said. Humor will get you a long way in these times.

Cyranoak

Teenagers are like alcoholics. EXACTLY like alcoholics.