Manmust

I'm on the edge of a panic attack. She's going to be moving out in the next two weeks. Why am I so anxious. Why do I doubt this is the right move. Ugh, why is this so hard?

AnvilheadII

because it's change
because it's real
because it means it didn't work out
because instead of her chaotic dynamic, you will now have to face your own

firebolt

Hang in there. It helps me to stay busy - go do something with friends, get back into sports, exercise, your hobbies. If you can make a big effort to get busy and stay away while shes there, it'll be less of a transition when she's gone. PLUS, getting out and doing these things is HEALTHY - and it will help expel all that negative energy! You can do this! Sending you my best - and hopes for some peace.

marie1960

Yep, what Anvil said.

Two weeks is a long way off, I can just imagine the tension in your home.

Keep your dignity, At this point, there really isn't much to say. No point engaging in anymore unnecessary conversation. Don't allow her to suck you in! Detach, detach, detach.

Hang in there. We are listening, my friend.

Katiekate

One day at a time.

One minute some days.

It's going to be okay, acceptance is very important.

I'm so sorry you are hurting.

Manmust

I'm working and it's hard to think. It's hard to concentrate. I just want to cry. Why can't I have her sober?

Manmust

Anvil, she says I'm deflecting onto her. How is this? Am I over exaggerating her problem? Is this how people work through a problem? Why would I want her to have a problem big enough that I'd want her to move out? I don't get it. I must be missing something or going crazy?

AnvilheadII

because SHE doesn't wanna be sober. PERIOD. that is HER choice. that is who she is and what she does. them's the facts, sir.

SparkleKitty

Why do you leap to the place where, because she said it, it must be true?

AnvilheadII

is this the SAME woman who drinks virtually EVERY day? who took her own child in the car with her AT NIGHT to go get more booze? and you STILL put more stock in HER words than your own truth?

MsPINKAcres

Please remind yourself - that just because someone says it doesn't make it true

try if you can to take a deep breath, a step back from the pain and look at the situation from a different view ~

what are the cold hard facts ~

not what could be, might be or should be ~

Today, what is going on in your world?
What is the Next Right Thing for you to do today?
What is YOUR plan for YOUR life regardless of what anyone else may do?
What can you do to help your life be Happy, Joyous and Free from chaos, pain and insanity?

These are the things my sponsors & the wonderful people of SR suggested I focus on I felt like my world was falling apart due to this disease ~ there were wonderful suggestions -

It took the power away from the A in my life and gave it back to me & my HP ~

just my e, s, & h

pink hugs,

Manmust

Everyone, you all are so right. I'm still taking the steps to have her out of my house even though I fear losing her...not that I fear losing the drinker, but all the rest of her. But I guess I can't have her without the drinking and the driving with her kid. Even if she blames me for it. Looking at it, I cant imagine how anyone could make me drive drunk and loaded with my daughter in the car.

So she's running from me threatening her drinking by moving out?

CentralOhioDad

"She" and "the drinker" are, sadly, the same person. You already lost her to the bottle long ago, my friend. It's sad, it doesn't make sense, it's incomprehensible. But that's what alcoholism is, and it's not our job to figure it out, for we will drive ourselves nuts attempting to make sense from the senseless.

I've told others before and I'll say it again - her leaving is a gift to you. May not seem like it, but down the road you will be thankful that she is gone, and your life given back to you.

Be gentle to yourself. This place is a place of sanity and refuge - we are are pulling for you.

Peace,
C-OH Dad

CAgirl9

I'm slowly learning to not give validity to everything RAH says. When he was drinking the stuff that came out of his mouth was awful and I let if affect me. He's in early recovery so he still says crappy things to me. I"m SLOWLY starting to realize that I don't need to let it rock my work and that it really is an indication of how much pain HE is in. It really has nothing to do with me. I guess this is where I can start to learn compassion for him. When I allow it to affect me then that's when it hurts. Hope that makes sense.

Hanna

Of course she is running from anything that threatens her drinking. Have you read much over on the new recovery forum? (It's a spot where both sides addicts and F&F post and it's okay to read there). It's terrifying for them to quit. Like telling you to give up something you believe you need to survive.

I hate how we have to make them into monsters to get it to sink in that you must get out of this situation or it will devour you along with her. But that is what seems to sink in best. Drugs and alcohol turn our loved ones into zombies. They look like the person we love, but they are just not all there.

And you can't fix it. You have to step away. It makes us sick, too.

It doesn't mean stop loving her. She is not evil. But her actions are harmful to those around her. Selfishness and self-centeredness. She wanted alcohol, therefore she got in the car and got some. She cannot see it clearly now, that she endangered her child, because her brain is not functioning properly. Her need for alcohol outweighs and drugs outweighs everything else.

I know you are hurting immensely. Not to hurt would be inhuman. But you have to look at this, see what is right and do it despite emotions. It is for you, for her and for your daughter.

We don't know what the future holds but you cannot keep living your todays this way.

Hugs and prayers,
Hanna

PS: My brother is one of those guys in AA and she's no better than him, no matter what she thinks. He's not crying about anything. He's clean and building his life again like others in there.

marie1960

"So she's running from me threatening her drinking by moving out?" (manmust)

YES, YES, YES!

The FIRST and only priority of an addict is to PROTECT their addiction. Without their daily DOC/ fix they cannot function.
Their needs are first, before you, before her child, before her health and well being.

This is what it is! I know, how effed up.

peridotbleu

Be thankful that she isnt putting you through more - she could drag this out by telling you that she is going to quit and then start drinking behind your back and lying to you when you ask her...she will say no and argue when you KNOW she has - this could go on for years!!! I myself have spent years on this roller coaster and it isnt fun.
I have never been one to argue, but I have been in more arguments - senseless arguments with my AH all over alcohol - but they make it about more than that and get you all confused! They are really good at that!
Like Central Ohio Dad said:
"her leaving is a gift to you. May not seem like it, but down the road you will be thankful that she is gone, and your life given back to you."
You knew something wasnt right, YOU are NOT the one that is "missing anything or going crazy" - you are the smart and strong one for getting your life back in order! Doesnt mean it doesnt hurt - I am going to be going through the same thing, and I dread it as well, but having my sanity back will be worth it. Good luck to you!

FireSprite

I can ditto every other post in this thread, so much wisdom in these observations.

Another thought to add, from my personal experience I get anxiety whenever I am facing an UNKNOWN which is probably kind of how you'd define what you expect following her move out.... it's just all unknown, right?

As a codie I still sometimes struggle with anxiety when I feel like I've done something *wrong* & while RAH was still actively drinking, I felt like I handled EVERY situation wrong so I was constantly 2nd-guessing myself & feeling that accompanying anxiety. I also presumed that it was my JOB to make it ALL right for everyone involved otherwise it was a failure on my part.


Yes, definitely. Do you think she might also believe that you'll back down before the 2 weeks is over & allow her to stay?

Manmust

As long as she is convinced I am the cause of her drinking, she is out. That statement she made painted herself in a corner.

It's just the action of letting go of someone you love feels so unnatural.

FireSprite

Don't be surprised if she pulls a 180 on her opinion if this tactic doesn't work. Just because she's in a corner doesn't mean she won't try climbing the walls, ya know?

I get what you're saying about letting go. I had to really sit back & examine if all the things I loved about AH were still true in light of the way he treated me, acted, etc. In the end it was easier to "let go" because I realized I was still in love with who I THOUGHT he was, but not the man he had become at the time.