NPR interviews Slate's Emily Yoffe on forgiving abusive parents
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NPR interviews Slate's Emily Yoffe on forgiving abusive parents
It will come as no surprise that she says forgiveness is not always the best policy:
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Interesting.
I found the original article but haven't read it yet.
Abusive parents: What do grown children owe the mothers and fathers who made their childhood a living hell? - Slate Magazine
Vicki
I found the original article but haven't read it yet.
Abusive parents: What do grown children owe the mothers and fathers who made their childhood a living hell? - Slate Magazine
Vicki
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I think you can forgive anyone. To me, forgiving is a symbolic way the person doing the forgiving can relieve themselves from carrying around the emoitional pain from the past.
That Doesn't mean you have talk to the person you are forgiving, or even tell them that you have forgiven them. Just because you forgive them doesn't make them safe. It's okay to protect yourself from anyone you deem unsafe.
That Doesn't mean you have talk to the person you are forgiving, or even tell them that you have forgiven them. Just because you forgive them doesn't make them safe. It's okay to protect yourself from anyone you deem unsafe.
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Originally Posted by Mracoa 
That Doesn't mean you have talk to the person you are forgiving, or even tell them that you have forgiven them. Just because you forgive them doesn't make them safe. It's okay to protect yourself from anyone you deem unsafe.
That's why I never bothered trying to sit down with my Dad and... whatever, having that Norman Rockwell closure-achieving last all-encompassing talk that people like to envision (without which we are, it goes without saying, going to be suffering a lifetime of guilt for not having had). He was a Superior Form of Life, so there would have been no point in forgiving... whatever it was that he was supposed to have done, because he obviously didn't do anything -- we just weren't up on his level, so we couldn't see it.
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Yes, our parents rarely accept any blame. Well except when they are sloppy drunk and apologizing for what they did and will do again and again. When I came to the realization of forgiveness for my parents their acceptance was not important. I forgave for me and because that is what my religion required for me to be at peace. It was literally canceling their debt and not caring whether they paid it or not or whether appreciated it or not. It really didn't have anything to do with them.
Many people abuse such forgiveness, teaching that it means all is forgotten and go back into the situation but that is not needed.
Others feel that if they forgive they have created a crack in their armor. If they forgive, then they will have hope, if they have hope then they will care, if they care then they will enmesh themselves in the abusers life again, and then they will be hurt again. It becomes a domino effect.
But it doesn't have to, you can still remain emotionally detached. Don't expect forgiveness to change anyone, don't expect forgiveness to make them like you, or become sober. Forgiveness frees you, if done right. You become a new person, like this quote explains:
“Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime. It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim--letting go of the pain and transforming oneself from victim to survivor.”
― C.R. Strahan
Many people abuse such forgiveness, teaching that it means all is forgotten and go back into the situation but that is not needed.
Others feel that if they forgive they have created a crack in their armor. If they forgive, then they will have hope, if they have hope then they will care, if they care then they will enmesh themselves in the abusers life again, and then they will be hurt again. It becomes a domino effect.
But it doesn't have to, you can still remain emotionally detached. Don't expect forgiveness to change anyone, don't expect forgiveness to make them like you, or become sober. Forgiveness frees you, if done right. You become a new person, like this quote explains:
“Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime. It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim--letting go of the pain and transforming oneself from victim to survivor.”
― C.R. Strahan
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Originally Posted by tromboneliness
Well, that's the thing -- as they note in the NPR piece, the parents who inflicted themselves upon us are not likely to "accept" our forgiveness, or however we want to put it, because they don't think they did anything in the first place. As far as they're concerned, they were perfect parents, just as they were always right and generally superior to everyone else. Anyone who couldn't see that must be some kind of idiot.
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Originally Posted by DghtrOfAlc
Exactly. Everything I have ever mentioned happening, being said, etc. in the past 20 years was a lie. Sad thing is, I think she really believes it. I think she either doesn't remember or remembers it differently with the haze of alcohol.
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